


A Chaos of Deep Passion

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:07:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 168,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11001825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: The war is over, but the problems for the Wizarding World have just begun. Lupin must call upon Snape to help identify and neutralize this new threat, but he finds Snape a broken man. Can he help rebuild Snape's shattered life in time and save the Wizarding world anew, or are they all doomed to fall?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007. There is a (non-major) character death and a suicide attempt along with a character dealing with depression in this story.

It was chance that had brought Charlie Weasley to a remote village in the Highlands along with two so-called "dragon experts" from the Ministry of Magic. If they had as much experience as they needed, the Ministry wouldn't have summoned _him_ , and he suspected their expertise began and ended between the pages of _From Egg to Inferno, A Dragon Keeper's Guide_ _ ___. But he wasn't due back at the reserve for another week, and staying home and watching Bill and Fleur coo at each other was boring as hell, and so he had agreed to help out when someone from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures contacted him, saying there was a dragon on the loose and could he please help capture it before it came to the attention of the local Muggles to the point that Obliviations were necessary.  
  
He wished he'd been given more information about the beastie, but the sightings had been brief, and the only real evidence they had was that a couple of Muggles had gone missing and a few had sighted what they thought was a reptilian creature in the woods near the village. The tabloids had picked it up, but for now, the locals were easily convinced it was nothing more than a hallucination brought on by fear or poor lighting on the part of those who claimed to have seen it.  
  
The problem was, this wasn't the right area for a dragon, especially one that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Charlie had checked with the MacFusty clan, but all their Hebridean Blacks were accounted for, which ruled out the possibility of one having escaped the island reserve and wandered off. He had also contacted the reserve in Wales, but they too said all their dragons were accounted for, which meant this bugger was an unknown, and Charlie didn't like that. Every breed had its quirks, strengths, and weaknesses, and he preferred to know what he was facing. Going in blind was not a thrill as far as he was concerned; he would far rather be prepared so there were as few injuries to both man and beast as possible.  
  
He'd asked both reserves if they could spare any extra hands, but they had regretfully refused. The beasts, they said, were being extra rowdy of late, and it was taking everyone they had to keep the dragons calm and under control. Charlie had spent a good twenty minutes talking with Angus MacFusty, both of them going through the common reasons for unrest and wondering aloud what was causing it among _all_ the dragons when it wasn't mating season and there were no disturbances anywhere near the reserve. He supposed that was why the Ministry had contacted him; no one from the local reserves could be spared to help, and not only did he happen to be home and handy, but he also had the knowledge and experience to handle the job.  
  
Which was how Charlie found himself trudging through the woods, scanning for any glimpse of scales, scorch marks, or droppings. The two Ministry boys followed along behind him, and while they were trying not to look too nervous, he caught their furtive glances and startled jumps every time a twig snapped. But they were all wearing flame-resistant gear, and he'd gone over the best spells to use once they spotted the beast. If all else failed, he had told them to Apparate out; they could always assemble a bigger team and try again later if the dragon proved too violent and aggressive for them to handle.  
  
The longer they searched, however, the more puzzled Charlie became. If there _was_ a dragon, even a young one, in these woods, there should have been burnt patches and broken or overturned trees. The woods were too dense for a creature as big as a dragon to move around without causing any damage. For that matter, dragons didn't much like being enclosed in a forested area for that very reason. It was easy for them to entangle or puncture their wings, and it was difficult for them to maneuver, which made hunting more difficult.  
  
After hours of searching in vain, Charlie was on the verge of calling it quits and returning to the village to gather more information about the alleged sightings when a flash of movement between the trees caught his attention. He signaled for the other two men to stop and gestured to where he had seen the movement, and the three of them edged forward slowly. He had warned them of the dangers inherent in startling a dragon, and he was pleased by the level of caution they were showing, illustrating that they had actually listened to his warnings and advice.  
  
As they moved closer, he could hear a rustling that grew louder, and he saw movement in the foliage, strong enough to show that whatever was out there was _big_. With their wands at the ready, they forged ahead, and Charlie peered through the trees, trying to catch any glimpse of the creature so he could identify the breed and know what they were dealing with. Finally, he spotted a patch of hide between the trees, and his brain kicked in with a quick analysis. Low to the ground. Scales, yes, and reptilian, but not draconian. Movement was sinuous, implying a slithering motion...  
__  
Fuck. Not a dragon.  
  
It was all he had time to think before yellow eyes flashed in the gloom and a gaping mouth snaked out and struck, sinking its fangs deep.  
  


* * *

  
There were only two mirrors in Severus' house, and both were broken. Shattered,  
actually. Tiny white lines criss-crossed the knuckles of his left hand because  
he hadn't bothered to heal the cuts, letting them bleed and drip and scar.  
  
He looked at his distorted reflection and thought it was more accurate this way.  
It made chopping off his hair difficult, but what he saw in the mirrors now was  
true, a better reflection of how he felt than anything he had ever seen in a  
mirror before.  
  
He looked at himself and realized he didn't remember the last time he had eaten,  
bathed, or shaved. Hours stretched out into eternity, one day bleeding into  
another in an endless parade of sameness, and he often found himself dressed  
without remembering if he had put the clothes on that morning or the day before.  
  
It didn't matter, really. He never left the house, and he let no one in, not  
even the Muggle boy who brought his groceries. The house was heavily warded with  
every protective measure he could think of, because They would kill him if They  
got in. They had come twice already; the wards had alerted him to danger, and he  
had spent hours crouched in the cupboard beneath the stairs, ready to spring out  
and attack if They broke through his defenses. They didn't.  
  
He didn't know which side They were from: Death Eaters who wanted him dead for  
betraying the Dark Lord or members of the Order who wanted him dead for  
murdering Dumbledore. That didn't matter either. Everyone wanted him dead.  
  
All Severus wanted was to be left alone now that his job was finished. He had  
devoted most of his life to defeating the Dark Lord. Now it was over once and  
for all, and he was left adrift.  
  
He didn't remember much about the end of the war. He remembered being summoned  
on the summer solstice. He remembered waiting for the right moment to strike. He  
remembered Potter confronting the Dark Lord and a chilly fog rolling in -  
unnatural for an afternoon in June. He remembered a light and someone screaming,  
and he thought it might have been him. After that, he remembered nothing until  
waking up in St. Mungo's, lucid once more and horrified to see Lockhart peering  
down at him and cheerfully offering an autograph.  
  
As soon as the healers pronounced him mentally competent, the Aurors came and  
took him to Azkaban. He supposed he was lucky the Ministry no longer trusted the  
Dementors to act as guards, or he might not have survived the ordeal. He thought  
his trial would be a quick, open and shut affair, but Aberforth Dumbledore  
shocked everyone, including him. Severus never expected the man to testify on  
behalf of his brother's murderer, but he told the Wizengamot of the Unbreakable  
Vow between Severus and Albus to which he had stood witness, the Vow that  
assured Severus would be loyal to Albus, assured that he could never betray  
Albus on pain of death.  
  
"Given he is standing before us now, alive and well," Aberforth had said, "I  
believe we can assume he did not break the vow despite all appearances to the  
contrary."  
  
Aberforth had also revealed he had served as Severus' contact, passing along  
information from Severus to the Order, an arrangement set up by Albus Dumbledore  
before his death. The Wizengamot had assaulted Severus with a barrage of  
questions, and he had answered each one, but the truth distilled down to one  
basic fact: he had been a faithful servant to only one master during his life,  
and his servitude extended beyond his master's death. It was over now, however.  
He had fulfilled his duties as promised to Dumbledore, the Dark Mark had faded  
from his arm with the Dark Lord's demise, and the Ministry had dropped the  
charges against him.  
  
He was free. Much good as it did him. Hunted, trapped, no chance of employment.  
In the darkest hours when night's chill settled in his blood, he considered  
dropping the wards and disassembling his defenses, and once or twice, he found  
himself with his wand in his hand, prepared to do it. A small but strong  
survival instinct prevented him, but he couldn't help but wonder if one day that  
instinct wouldn't be enough anymore, and somehow, he couldn't bring himself to  
care.  
  


* * *

  
_Survival of the fittest._  
  
Remus gave a humorless chuckle as he sat on the cold, bare earth of the cellar,  
wrapping his arms around himself in a futile search for warmth. He was nude, and  
he could see the streaks of dirt and grime on his legs and forearms and the line  
of filth under his ragged and torn fingernails. There was sweat cooling on his  
skin, indicative of the labors he had gone through in order to rig this safe  
little hidey hole for himself.  
  
_I survived. I suppose that means I am fit, doesn't it? But fit for_  
**what** , exactly? Ah... that's always the question. The mystery of the ages.  
If I could just answer that one question, everything else would fall into  
place.  
  
Outside the sun was sinking. Remus could feel it even if he couldn't see  
it; the empty space around him was dimly illuminated with what light that  
managed to filter through the boards nailed over the small, broken window he had  
shimmied through. Boards he had nailed up himself to keep the wolf trapped in  
this hole until the morning. The hammer he had used was up high on an overhead  
beam where the wolf couldn't reach; not that Remus had to worry about his lupine  
side managing to pry off the boards with a man-made tool. No, he was more afraid  
of Moony chewing the hammer into a wreck, leaving Remus with no easy way to get  
himself back out again.  
  
A small, soft sound came from the corner, but Remus even didn't glance in that  
direction. He didn't have to, because he was the one who had placed the bag of  
wild rabbits in the space it currently occupied. It wasn't much to assuage the  
hunger or the wildness of the wolf, but hopefully, it would be enough to keep  
the rage in check and spare Remus' skin any further scarring. That had been the  
only advantage of running with the other werewolves these past two years; the  
anger of the wolf had been tempered by the presence of a pack.  
  
But for all that, the wolf was still a killer, and Remus had learned it was  
better to offer it a minor sacrifice; he would be weak enough tomorrow without  
the added injuries he could do to himself.  
  
The end of the war had not, unfortunately, meant the end of Remus' troubles.  
After the battle that had spelled Voldemort's doom, Remus had had his hands full  
dealing with the fallout. First, he had taken Snape to St. Mungo's; the man had  
been completely out of his head, attacking every Death Eater to cross his path  
before turning his attention to Voldemort's dead body, hexing it again and again  
and again. Those actions proved something to Remus that he had suspected  
all along: Severus had really been operating under Albus' orders. So Remus  
had subdued him before either of his former sets of allies could decide to  
injure him and had taken him somewhere where he could be helped. The wild look  
in Snape's eyes had indicated a disturbance that went to the depths of his soul,  
and Remus had fleetingly wished his former ally - and former nemesis - good luck  
before he had turned his attention to dealing with his own immediate problems.  
  
First among them was Harry, who had been brought to St. Mungo's by a grim-faced  
Ron and a tearful Hermione just as Remus had been about to Apparate back to  
Hogwarts to find him. It was a shock seeing Harry's limp form cradled  
between his two friends, especially as Remus had seen him standing near  
Voldemort's body, whole and victorious not ten minutes before. It had been  
chaos then, people shouting and screaming as Harry was whisked back for  
immediate treatment. "He's alive," Ron had shouted back over his shoulder,  
although Remus wasn't certain if the words had been meant for him or for the  
room in general. Then Ron's gaze had fixed on him. "Professor McGonagall  
needs you right now."  
  
That message had been clear enough, and Remus had agonized for a long moment  
before finally leaving the hospital to return to Hogwarts. Harry was  
alive, and he was in good hands, and Remus knew he still had responsibilities of  
his own.  
  
That meant the werewolves. Or rather, those among the pack he had been living  
with whom he had managed to influence into either staying away from the battle  
or abetting the efforts of the Order. Remus hadn't been certain what had  
happened to Greyback, but it was his duty and obligation to help and protect  
those who had trusted him. Remus hadn't much in the way of resources, but he had  
done what he could, helping his friends to scatter, giving them the last of the  
money and clothing he had possessed. It had taken time, but as the full moon  
drew near, Remus had finally been satisfied he had done everything possible to  
help the lycanthropes who had changed sides... as well as making certain the  
Order and the Ministry had the names and last known whereabouts of those who had  
not.  
  
Which had meant that Remus had almost been caught out by the approaching moon.  
He had barely had time to locate this place - a gutted, deserted wreck of a farm  
in the middle of nowhere - and make certain he wouldn't be a danger to anyone.  
And so here he sat, waiting as he had waited so often in his life for the rise  
of the moon and the release of his monster upon the world.  
  
The light was dimming further, but Remus closed his eyes, not wanting to watch  
it go. His one change of clothing was hidden safely outside along with his wand,  
waiting for his return to human form. What the morning would bring, other than  
weakness and hunger, Remus didn't know. He had no home, no money, no job, nor  
even any prospects for one, given the Ministry of Magic's rules. But he had been  
in dire straits before, and he told himself this was no different. A new start,  
a clean start in a world that was finally free of Voldemort.  
  
_I survived,_ Remus thought as the first shudders of transformation began  
to wrack his body. His lips twisted into something that looked almost like a  
bitter smile.  
  
_There is one good thing about having nothing... at least it means I have_  
nothing left to lose.  
  


* * *

  
They were back.  
  
Severus could feel them pressing against the wards as if testing for a weak spot  
to exploit, but there were none; if there was one thing Severus knew, it was how  
to construct defenses. Internal, external - it didn't matter. His were solid and  
strong.  
  
This time, he didn't lurk under the stairs, waiting. Curiosity impelled him to  
the window, and he twitched the curtain just enough to give himself a peephole.  
He wanted to see who these persistent assailants were, wanted to know which side  
they were from and who wanted him dead so badly that they kept coming back time  
after time.  
  
Three forms stood in the street outside, hooded and robed. He couldn't see the  
tell-tale gleam of a white mask beneath their hoods, but he made no assumptions  
yet. The light was dim, and they were keeping their faces well hidden.  
  
One of the figures - the tallest one - lifted its arm and pointed to the window  
as if it had somehow spotted him peering out, and he fought the impulse to draw  
back. They couldn't hurt him, and perhaps they would take his appearance at the  
window as a sign of imminent attack.  
  
The other two figures turned and looked in his direction, and he felt the weight  
of their gazes even though he couldn't see their eyes, their scrutiny scorching  
his soul and wringing a gasp from his lips as grief and guilt flooded him anew.  
  
The tall figured reached up and tugged its hood down, revealing its long, dark  
hair adorned with a coronet that shimmered and seemed to move about its head. He  
couldn't see its face clearly, however, and each of the figures wore long,  
shapeless robes that hid its gender.  
  
Then it smiled at him, white teeth flashing in the dark, a terrible smile that  
filled him with dread. In its smile, he saw his doom, and he whirled and fled  
from the window, his heart pounding, his lungs constricting until he felt as  
though he could scarcely draw breath.  
  
Hours and several glasses of fire whiskey later, Severus stopped shaking, but he  
didn't release his death grip on his wand, and he didn't go near the window  
again.  
  


* * *

  
"Remus, thank you for coming. Please have a seat."  
  
Minerva's smile was weak, and the elderly witch looked more tired than she had  
even during the war, during the dark time after the burden Albus left her had  
settled upon her shoulders. She gestured at the tray on her desk, and  
Remus gratefully helped himself to a cup of the hot, fragrant tea. It was  
only two days past the moon, and he was still exhausted, but there wasn't any  
way he could have resisted Minerva's summons.  
  
"Your note said it was urgent?" Remus asked, leaning back in his chair with a  
sigh. Two days and nights spent on the hard-packed earth of that farmhouse  
cellar hadn't been very restful, leaving him feeling bruised all over, and the  
soft cushions were a relief to his abused body. In fact, he had been  
relieved when the owl had found him, since it gave him a purpose; otherwise he  
would probably be lying there still.  
  
"It is," Minerva agreed, raising a hand to rub at her brow. To Remus'  
surprise, her eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I thought it was over.  
That with Voldemort gone, we were finally done with the dying. But..."  
  
"Not Harry!" Remus surged to his feet, feeling sick to his stomach.  
He should have come back earlier instead of lying there, feeling sorry for  
himself. "Oh, Minerva, he isn't..."  
  
"No, not Harry!" Minerva said quickly, shaking her head in vehement  
denial. "Sit down, Remus, and I'll explain." She waited until he had  
taken his seat again. "Harry is... unchanged. Still in St. Mungo's,  
but..."  
  
"What?" Remus felt dizzy, bringing up a hand to press it to his forehead.  
"Why is he still there? What happened to him? I know he was brought  
in after the battle, but I thought he had collapsed from exhaustion!"  
  
"You hadn't heard?" Minerva drew in a breath, her hands clenching together  
tightly on the desk top. "No, of course you hadn't; you've been off doing  
what I'd told you to do for the last two weeks." She gazed at Remus  
somberly. "Harry isn't dead, Remus, but he's in some sort of fugue.  
It's a curse, the likes of which the Healers haven't seen before. It's as  
if he is asleep and dreaming, but the Healers can't wake him up. They have  
as many people as they can spare working on his condition 'round the  
clock. They'll figure it out, I'm certain they will... but in the  
meantime, we've more troubles to deal with, and this time, we have to do it  
without Harry's help. That is why I called you back."  
  
Remus shook his head, not in denial, but trying to clear it from the shock of  
learning that Harry was under a curse. "I should go to Harry, to see if I  
can help. I know a lot about the Dark Arts, and perhaps I can do something  
that..."  
  
"You _do_ know a great deal about the Dark Arts - which is why I need you  
_here_ ," Minerva said firmly, in the tone of command she had assumed after  
Albus' death. "There are things happening, things we can't explain  
adequately, and I need you to find out what is going on so we can stop  
it." She paused and sighed. "Please, Remus, I need your help.  
Charlie Weasley was killed two nights ago by a basilisk, and even if Bill and  
Percy weren't needed by their parents, they don't have your skills or  
experience."  
  
"Charlie... _dead_?" Remus felt as though he must be in a bad dream,  
still lying on that cold, earthen floor. He _wished_ he were  
dreaming. Hell, he would even settle for this being a moon-induced hallucination  
in his lupine mind. But he knew it wasn't, and he swallowed hard against a  
knot of pain in his throat. "What happened?"  
  
"There was a report of an attack on a village not far from here," Minerva said  
wearily. "It was said to be a dragon, and Charlie immediately volunteered  
to deal with it, since the Ministry has its hands full at the moment trying to  
deal with chasing down the last of Voldemort's followers and calming the  
public. He went off with what men the Ministry could spare on the night of  
the full moon - only one of them made it back alive to tell us what had  
happened."  
  
"No..." Remus tried to wrap his mind around that, around the loss of a man who  
had been so strong and vital.  
  
"This is why I need you," Minerva said, pulling Remus out of the haze of grieved  
denial he was threatening to slip into. "The Ministry managed to send an  
entire squad of Aurors to bring the thing down, but there was a cost for them as  
well. The fact is, there just aren't enough skilled Wizards to deal with  
everything, and I'm desperately trying to get Hogwarts back into service. We  
will need our next generation of Wizards and Witches trained quickly if we are  
to rebuild our future."  
  
"But if the basilisk is dead, what do you need me to do?"  
  
Minerva gestured to a pile of scrolls on her desk. "The basilisk was just  
the latest and largest incident, it seems, although I didn't know it until  
someone from the Minstry came to me. Oh, I'd read the _Prophet_ , but  
I suppose in the aftermath of the battle, everything seemed... well, minor, I  
suppose. But the fact is, there is something odd going on, Remus.  
Something sinister. Things are appearing where they have no right to be,  
and it has become so bad that the Muggles are beginning to pick up on it."  
  
"What things?" Remus asked, and Minerva pushed the pile of scrolls over to  
him.  
  
"I don't want to bias your opinion," she said. "I want - _need_ \- for  
you to look at these as objectively as you can and tell me if I'm jumping at  
shadows. Perhaps I'm just a paranoid old woman, but I can't help the  
feeling I have that something isn't right, that perhaps Voldemort's death  
unleashed something, something malevolent that we don't fully understand.  
Please, Remus, I really need your help."  
  
Remus looked at the pile of scrolls, reaching out to brush a finger along the  
edge of one. He supposed it didn't really matter if Minerva were leaping  
at shadows or not; this was something to occupy him. He had a lot to  
process - Harry's condition and Charlie's death among them - but the truth was,  
he didn't have much to _do_. Tonks had shifted her affections to  
Kingsley Shacklebolt after Kingsley had been injured in a battle the previous  
year, so Remus didn't have anyone or anything to occupy his time now that the  
werewolves were dealt with. Not that he blamed her, considering that the last  
year he'd spent far more time with the werewolves than he had with her. He  
probably needed this as much as Minerva needed him, and so he drew in a deep  
breath and nodded. "Of course I'll help, Minerva. I'll do anything I  
can."  
  
"Thank you," Minerva said, and for a moment, Remus thought he detected a glimmer  
of pride in her gaze. After all they had been through, it was probably  
ridiculous that the sight of it warmed him so much, but it did.  
_Everyone needs to be needed_ , he thought, feeling the first glimmer of  
hope for the future he'd felt since the end of the war. _Even if it's to do  
nothing more than chase away the boogey man._  



	2. Chapter 2

Were Remus any less used to penurious circumstances, the drab, cheerless street  
he found himself walking down with its facades of worn and tired brick would  
have depressed him greatly. It was a dismal place, a hopeless place, and it made  
Remus feel almost glad for the last year he had spent living in caves and fields  
among the werewolves. At least if there was death in the forest, there was also  
life, things that grew and flourished in the wild, lending spots of color and  
cheer to their surroundings. This street, with the stern, grimy eyes of windows  
staring down at him like malevolent sentinels, had no color, no happiness, no  
life. Even worse, its sort of death was not merely the absence of a beating  
heart; it was the cold, hard end of hopes and dreams.  
  
He tried not to think of Severus growing up here as a child; for all that Remus'  
family had been desperately poor, there had still been wildflowers to grace the  
front of their ramshackle cottage and laughter rang out during the waning days  
of the moon. No wonder Severus had been so grim even when he had first entered  
Hogwarts. Remus couldn't imagine any child who occupied this street ever  
learning how to laugh.  
  
Ahead was the house he sought, set among its brethren like so many cold, grey  
teeth in the maw of a shark. He shivered and quickened his pace, anxious to  
escape the forbidding street. Not that he expected Severus to welcome him, not  
at all, but at least Severus' face would be alive, unlike the corpses which  
Remus fancied tenanted the other dwellings.  
  
Mounting the single stone step, Remus raised his hand and prepared to knock. It  
was only now that he paused, wondering if he was doing the right thing. Severus  
had suffered greatly, had shut himself away from the world in this terrible,  
forbidding place, obviously not wanting to be bothered. Part of Remus respected  
the reasons Severus had shut himself away from the world; after all, Remus had  
done the same thing many years ago when he had lost all his friends on a single  
Halloween night. He had come out of it, of course, forced by the necessity of  
survival and his own nature. Severus was different, however; Remus was certain  
that Severus would be more than willing to spend the rest of his life without  
seeing another human face, and after everything that had happened, Remus  
couldn't blame him.  
  
But the fact was that Severus was needed, and Remus had no choice but to seek  
him out, no matter that Severus would probably send him away, ears ringing from  
insults and perhaps with a hex mark or two for his pains. Still, it was a risk  
Remus had to take for the greater good. If there was even the slightest chance  
he could coax Severus into helping them, he had to take it. Even if the  
Wizarding World had given Severus every reason to loathe it and want to see it  
destroyed.  
  
Which was a distinct possibility.  
  
Before he could talk himself out of it, Remus rapped on the door and stepped  
back to wait calmly and patiently. It was a mask, of course, to cover the  
turmoil and worry he felt, but it was a mask he had worn so often that it was a  
comfortable fit. Besides, Severus would not be swayed by emotion - especially  
not Remus' emotions. Neither the worry of Remus the man or the snarling  
frustration of the wolf would affect Severus one bit, and so Remus hid them  
away, wondering if the Severus who would answer his knock would have his own  
masks in place as well.  
  
The wards alerted Severus to someone's approach, and he leaped up from his  
chair, drawing his wand as quick as thought as he sidled to the peephole he had  
left himself in the closed drapes in the front window, peering out into the  
empty street. Surprise mingled with annoyance filled him at the sight of Lupin;  
he hadn't been in touch with anyone from the Order for a year prior to the end  
of the war, and he didn't want to be in touch with anyone, much less Lupin, now.  
He'd retreated here to remain safe and alone, protected by powerful wards and  
other protective measures against anyone -- Death Eater or Order member -- who  
might come seeking revenge.  
  
Which Lupin might be seeking now.  
  
He strode into the entrance hall and flicked his wrist. "Alohomora!" The front  
door creaked open, swinging inward to reveal Severus standing well back from the  
door with his wand raised, trained unwaveringly on Lupin, ready to counter any  
spell Lupin might fling at him. He wasn't expecting the Killing Curse, of  
course; Lupin didn't have the guts for that.  
  
"You aren't welcome here," he snarled, his dark eyes filled with anger, tinged  
with madness. "Go away now, or you'll regret it."  
  
Remus' lycanthrope hearing had picked up the sound of footsteps behind the bare  
wood of the door. They had stopped, and Remus barely had time to register that a  
spell was being cast before the door flew open, and he could see Severus  
outlined in the dimness within the entry.  
  
 _He's so pale... and he's as malnourished as I am_ , Remus thought, an  
unexpected stab of pity hitting him at the obvious signs of suffering on  
Severus' cold, haggard face. He might as well have been a corpse, except for the  
fire of emotion that blazed from his dark eyes. There was anger in Severus'  
gaze, which Remus had expected. But what concerned him was a flicker of  
something else he caught in those depths, something that spoke of a terrible,  
almost frightening disturbance. Remus could easily recognize the signs of a man  
on the edge, a man holding by the tips of his fingers on the brink of a  
precipice that was in danger of swallowing him whole.  
  
His gaze lifted to the shaggy, unkempt mass of black that adorned Severus' head;  
it looked as though Severus had hacked at it himself randomly. _And what in  
Merlin's name has he done to his hair?_  
  
Again Remus felt a stir of sympathy, of understanding, knowing that he and  
Severus were probably more alike in this moment than anyone would ever have  
believed. But Remus didn't allow his sympathy to show; Severus wouldn't believe  
it, no more than Remus would have believed Severus would have felt sympathy were  
their situations reversed. So he kept his stance and his expression neutral,  
raising his hands slowly to show he was unarmed and meant Severus no harm.  
  
"If you wish to hex me, Severus, I will let you," he said, voice soft. "All I  
ask is that you let me speak to you for a few moments. If you don't like what I  
have to say, well... then you can even kill me if you like. Because without your  
help, it would only be hastening the inevitable anyway."  
  
At the mention of help, Severus let out another snarl. He should have known if  
someone from the Order hadn't come to kill him, they had come to demand his  
help. To use him as he had always been used. He wasn't wanted otherwise, and if  
they hadn't needed him, they would have let him rot here in solitude.  
  
"Let me guess. You want my help rounding up my former compatriots." Severus' lip  
curled in a sneer. "Fuck you, Lupin. Fuck you and the Order and the whole damned  
world. I'm done. This is your mess to clean up, not mine," he said, keeping his  
wand still trained on Lupin just in case. There was no guarantee that Lupin was  
telling the truth, and Severus had no intention of lowering his guard in case  
Lupin attacked.  
  
The anger Remus had expected, and he was calm in the face of it, not letting the  
wolf rise up to the challenge being offered. It was hard, considering the many  
dominance battles he had fought in the last year, hard because of the lupine  
instincts which recognized and instinctively responded to the gauntlet Severus  
hurled at him.  
  
Fortunately, Remus had his years of control to fall back on. Instead of snarling  
in reply or baring his teeth as the wolf wished, he shook his head slowly,  
raising a brow as something almost like a rueful smile played at the corners of  
his mouth. "Actually you're wrong, for once," he said, voice still quiet and  
even. "Your former compatriots are the least of our worries at the moment. I can  
understand why you think we have to clean them up. Under normal circumstances,  
that is most likely what we would be doing. But things are hardly normal, not  
anymore. I assume you haven't read the _Prophet_ in a while? Or the Muggle  
newspapers? Things are happening... things that might be a greater danger to our  
world than Voldemort or any number of Death Eaters."  It hadn't taken much  
research for Remus to agree with Minerva's assessment that there was something  
bigger going on, and not much more for him to realize it was too big a job for  
him to do alone.  Severus was an innocent man, and Remus remembered all too  
well the look in his eyes when he'd left Severus at St. Mungo's.  It seemed  
fated that he go and ask for Severus' help.  
  
"What do I care?" Severus retorted. "The world is in danger again, so you come  
looking for me to help. You need me. You need to use me to save a world I don't  
give a damn about, populated with people I'd sooner wish into hell. You used me  
once, but you didn't use me up, so now you're here to make sure you get your  
full pound of flesh. When will you be happy? When I'm nothing but a walking  
husk?" His voice rose as he spoke, escalating into a rant that wasn't directed  
at Lupin so much as it was directed at what -- and who -- Lupin represented.  
  
Severus' feverish mind transposed the face of a man long dead over Lupin's, his  
eyes glazed as he railed at that face, the same face that had tormented him,  
sleeping and waking, for over a year.  
  
"Or must I die? That's it, isn't it. Nothing will be enough until I'm used up.  
More than a husk. A corpse. Only then will you leave me alone because I can't be  
of use any longer."  
  
"I have no wish for you to die," Remus said, frowning at the way Severus' eyes  
had dimmed, as though he were looking past Remus, or perhaps through him. The  
sight sent a chill down Remus' spine, and he wondered if his mission had gone  
from being that of a fool to a madman. "Yes, Severus, we do need you. We need  
everyone, every able-bodied witch and wizard who is capable of holding a wand. I  
admit that you were used in the war, but so was I, so was Harry, so was everyone  
in the Order... do you think any of us had a choice? I don't want a pound of  
flesh from you. I'm not here to fight with you, but to ask to fight beside you.  
Because like it or not, Severus, I think that something is coming. Something in  
the world is different, changing, and if it isn't stopped, it might take far  
more than a mere pound of your flesh."  
  
Severus rubbed his eyes, and the vision faded. Lupin's voice permeated the haze  
filling his mind, calming him, although Lupin's words did nothing to quell the  
bitterness in his soul. They needed him. He wanted to be left alone, but clearly  
that wasn't meant to be. He had no idea what Lupin was yammering about, but it  
seemed he only had two choices: go deeper into hiding, or return to that world  
and those people, little as he wanted to see them. Little as they wanted to see  
him. It must be a desperate need indeed for them to seek him out, unless they  
hoped to use him as cannon fodder.  
 __  
Why not? he thought wearily. He could run. Keep running. They would find  
him. He wasn't free as he had hoped to be. He would never be free. His only hope  
for freedom was if this danger now threatening them took his life. For that hope  
of freedom alone, it was worth giving in.  
  
"What is it?" he asked at last.  
  
Remus looked from side to side along the empty street, using the movement to  
also keep himself from sighing in relief that Severus had relented. No one was  
in sight, and Remus knew better than to ask to come inside. Instead he kept his  
voice low, looking at Severus and holding that dark gaze with his own. "Things  
have been happening. Odd things, dark things... things that even the Muggles are  
beginning to notice. We're not certain what all is happening, but creatures are  
appearing where they don't belong, and they have seemed to come out of nowhere.  
Many of them are dangerous."  
  
Severus let his wand dip - but not low enough that he couldn't fire off a hex if  
Lupin made any threatening moves - and he stared at Lupin with a bewildered  
scowl. "What the devil do you expect me to do about it? Help round up the  
beasties and send them packing where they belong? Or are you suffering the  
delusion that I can consult one of my textbooks and provide an answer about what  
is going on?"  
  
The snark didn't faze Remus, and he spoke earnestly, hoping against hope that an  
appeal to Severus' vanity would engage his interest. "I don't expect you to do  
anything, Severus. I am asking you if you will help us figure out what is  
happening and how to stop it. You're a brilliant wizard, and you know things  
that no one else does. You have an analytical mind, and we need help. Aren't you  
intrigued at all, Severus? We're all in danger - you, me, Wizards, Muggles,  
everyone. It's a problem to be solved. Will you help?"  
  
Severus didn't care how much danger the world was in, not even for the sake of  
saving his own skin. Survival wasn't as much a motivating factor as it once had  
been. He was, however, intrigued by the puzzle. Lupin and every other Wizard and  
Muggle in the world could be eaten by rampaging monsters from the abyss for all  
he cared, but at least this would give him something to do - something to think  
about other than the past.  
  
"Fine," he replied tersely. "I'll help. But I am not leaving this house unless  
it's absolutely necessary or unless you can guarantee my safety." Bad things  
happened when he left the safety of his house, and he had no intention of  
exposing himself to that kind of danger again. "If you want access to my  
brilliant analytical mind, you will have to come here."  
  
Remus couldn't help the flash of surprise which crossed his face as Severus  
capitulated, but he was not about to comment. Severus would help, and they  
needed his help; even if that mean that Remus had to Apparate to India every  
day, he would do it.  
  
"That won't be a problem," he said quickly, before Severus could change his  
mind. "I will bring everything to you. Um... are you on the Floo network here,  
Severus? Or would you prefer me to Apparate? I will write up a report for you,  
and as far as insuring your safety, I will guarantee it. With my life, if  
necessary." Remus' voice softened slightly, although he wasn't actually aware of  
it. After pulling Severus from the battlefield, he felt strangely responsible  
for Severus.  
  
Severus shot him a scathing glare, as if he couldn't believe Lupin's vast  
stupidity in even asking the question. He wasn't careless enough to be on the  
Floo any longer, not when that would leave him open to attack. He never left the  
house, and his supplies were delivered once a week by a Muggle from the nearest  
grocer's. There was no one whom he wanted to speak to or visit, and there was no  
one who wanted to speak to or visit him - until Lupin, at any rate - thus he had  
no need for his fireplace to be anything but a fireplace.  
  
"No," he said, his derisive drawl speaking volumes. "I am not on the Floo  
network. You will have to Apparate." He sneered at Lupin's claim of protecting  
him with his life. That was rich coming from Lupin, of all people. Severus would  
feel safer with a shield made of pudding than he would with Lupin guarding his  
back. "Just don't bring anyone else, don't tell anyone where I am, and make  
damned certain you aren't followed."  
  
Remus' back stiffened slightly at Severus' tone, the Alpha within instinctively  
responding to the derision. He held his tongue, however, merely nodding  
abruptly; arguing with Severus would serve no purpose, but neither would Remus  
be a whipping boy for Severus' anger over things that were over and done and  
past changing. Not anymore.  
  
"As you wish, Severus," he replied, his mask still firmly in place. It was  
enough that Severus would cooperate and help them, and Remus would handle the  
sarcasm and bitterness as best as he could. Hopefully their interactions could  
be limited to times not near the full moon, when his own temper was less  
certain. "And although I'm certain you have no wish to hear it.... thank you.  
Your help will be invaluable."  
  
"I don't want your thanks," Severus replied, lifting his wand again. Anger and  
resentment swelled anew, and it was all he could do not to hex Lupin, to punish  
him for the unwanted invasion on Severus' life. "What I want is to be left  
alone. Go away."  
  
 _Same old Severus, only worse_ , Remus thought with an internal sigh. He  
quelled the wolf's annoyance at the dismissal, merely nodding. "You have my  
thanks nevertheless, Severus. I wish you a good day."  
  
With that, Remus turned on his heel, burying his hands in his pockets as he  
walked away, not looking back. Severus might hex him, but Remus wasn't going to  
back away as though he didn't trust Severus. Let Severus think on that; after  
all, if they were going to defeat this menace, they had to work together. It was  
up to Remus to make the first concessions, because if there was one truth in the  
world, it was that Severus Snape would not.  
  
With a snarl, Severus flicked his wand, and the door slammed shut, removing  
Lupin from his sight, but not the burden of obligation and duty once again  
placed on his shoulders. He should have said no, but he doubted they would  
accept that response if the situation was as dire as Lupin indicated. They hated  
him and scorned him, but they needed him, and they would use him.  
  
Same song, different verse.  
  
Tucking his wand away, he turned and retreated to his study. He doubted he would  
be able to find any answers in any of his books, but he could occupy the evening  
with a search. It was a better option than the way he usually spent his  
evenings, but he wasn't grateful to Lupin for the distraction.  
  
 _One more task_ , he thought grimly as he skimmed the titles on the shelves.  
One more task and then perhaps they would leave him in peace at last.  
  


* * *

  
There was something wrong with Hogwarts.  
  
Remus had known it the moment he had stepped onto the school grounds, the hairs  
on the back of his neck standing up as soon as he had crossed the wards.   
It wasn't just the obvious damage to the castle before him; he'd seen that on  
his last visit the week before, and this time, he could see there had even been  
some repair work done to the top of Gryffindor Tower.  No, this was  
something different; a sinister air that he perceived more with the Darkness  
within him than with his human senses.  
  
He made his way to Minerva's office, preoccupied with trying to determine what  
was bothering him so much.  Nothing seemed out of place, not exactly, but  
he found himself peeking into every shadowed nook along the way.  
  
"Remus, thank you for coming," Minerva greeted him, again gesturing to the  
ubiquitous pot of tea.  She seemed distracted, and Remus decided to cut  
right to the heart of the matter.  
  
"Something's wrong, isn't it?" he asked bluntly.   
  
Minerva blinked behind her spectacles, and then she gave him a rather grim  
smile.  She had hardened since Charlie's funeral, as though she had found  
her resolve once more.  "Yes, it is.  It's come here, now, whatever is  
happening.  And I'm going to fight it, no matter what."  
  
"What happened?" he asked, glad that he wasn't on the receiving end of her  
scowl, one worthy of Severus at his worst.   
  
"It started with Firenze coming to warn me that 'Dark things were afoot in the  
forest'," Minerva began, picking up a quill and tapping it on the desktop.   
"You know the centaurs. They are always full of dire warnings and prophecies of  
doom, but I put out extra wards and had Hagrid keep a closer eye on  
things.  That is when we noticed it: the forest is getting closer to the  
school."  
  
"What?" Remus blinked in surprise.   
  
"That was my reaction as well," Minerva replied.  "But it's true. 

It's the same trees, not new ones - they're _moving_.  Every night,  
they are gradually closing in around the school."  She raised her hand,  
pinching the bridge of her nose just below her spectacles.  "As if that  
weren't enough, the acromantulas are moving with them, and I'm not at all  
pleased about having an entire army of giant, venomous spiders getting near the  
school.  Hagrid isn't worried, but of course he wouldn't be - he says he  
thinks they're here to _protect_ us. As much as I'd like to believe him, it  
doesn't make sense."  Blue eyes looked at Remus appealingly.  "Do you  
think you can hurry your research along?  I'm doing everything I can to  
slow the trees down, but frankly not much is working.  How do you stop an  
entire forest?  No... we need to get to the root of this - no pun intended  
\- because Hogwarts _must_ reopen.  There is no other option."  
  
Remus mulled that over.  Moving trees... " _Until Great Birnam Wood to  
high Dunsinane Hill shall come against him_."  
  
"What was that?" Minerva asked, giving him a curious look.  
  
Remus gave a small smile.  "Shakespeare.  You know, the Muggle  
playwright?  He had a villain, MacBeth, of whom it was thought he would  
live forever, since he had been promised that no man born of woman could ever  
kill him.  MacBeth was also told that he would never be vanquished until  
the forest - Birnam Wood - came to the hill.  This just reminded me of that  
and of the Dark Lord.  They both shared the same ambition."  
  
Minerva frowned.  "So, was this MacBeth defeated in the end?"  
  
"Oh, yes," Remus nodded, even though he felt a sick twist in his stomach.   
"All the villains must die in the end, mustn't they?"  
  
"Let's just hope that is true this time," Minerva said darkly.  "We had all  
better pray that it is true."  
  


* * *

  
Once again, Remus found himself on the street outside Severus' house, facing the stone facade with a feeling of dislike. Not because the house was Severus', however; it was just that the place seemed so horribly desolate, more like a prison than a home.  
__  
Rather like Grimmauld Place, he thought, giving a wry smile that quickly faded. _But at least I can come and go as I please. Severus, however... I doubt he's stepped outside of that place since he entered it._  
  
The thought was a sobering one, and Remus bit his lip, surprised at his own concern for Severus. After all, Severus hated him, and Remus certainly had his own problems with the things Severus had done over the years - even if killing Dumbledore wasn't one of them. Maybe that was part of the problem, though; Remus found himself feeling guilty for having doubted Severus, having actually believed that Severus could have killed Albus. He should have had more faith. Perhaps if he had, Severus wouldn't have become such a bitter recluse.  
  
There was also the fact that Remus remembered all too well what had happened to Sirius after being shut away in Grimmauld Place for almost a year. The house had seemed to magnify Sirius' faults and recklessness, and Remus was convinced it had been a great contributor toward Sirius' eventual death. He didn't want to see Severus wind up the same way, not if he could help it. Severus deserved better after all he had done for the Order. They owed him; and since no one else in the Order seemed to care enough to help Severus, Remus would take it upon himself to do so.  
  
Straightening his spine and slipping behind his normal, calm mask, Remus moved to the door of Spinner's End and knocked. He knew what he had to do, and he would do it.  
  
Whether Severus liked it or not.  
  
When the wards alerted him to someone's approach, Severus abandoned the books he had been poring over and went swiftly to the window, twitching the curtain aside and grimacing when he saw Lupin standing on the doorstep. He had half-hoped Lupin would think twice about returning, but he supposed that had been a foolish notion. He was needed, after all, he thought with a sneer.  
  
Drawing his wand, he strode to the door and flung it open, fixing Lupin with a glare fierce enough to strip paint off a wall. "What now?" he demanded, looming in the doorway rather than moving to let Lupin come inside. He didn't want Lupin invading his house if he could avoid it, and he didn't want to see Lupin's disdain at his lack of housekeeping. But the truth was, Severus couldn't be arsed to clean up. He did as much as he needed to in order to keep mice, insects, and other pests at bay, but he didn't bother tidying up unless he felt like it, which wasn't often.  
  
"Hello, Severus," Remus said, as unperturbed as though Severus had greeted him with pleasantries. "I brought the information you agreed to look at for us."  
  
He said nothing else, merely stood, looking at Severus mildly. No doubt Severus would rant and rave, but Remus would let it wash over him. This was for Severus' own good, and there was nothing Severus could say that Remus probably didn't deserve.  
  
"Then hand it over and go away," Severus replied brusquely, holding out his free hand. He kept his wand trained on Lupin, although he was keeping an eye on the street beyond as well, in case They showed up to try to kill him again. "I'll have a look at it and send you a report by owl post."  
  
"I'm afraid I need to explain some of the information; there is rather a lot of it," Remus said quietly, ignoring the wand pointed at him. "Might I come in, Severus? It won't take long, but I'd rather not discuss it out here on the street."  
  
Severus drew himself up to his full height and peered down his nose at Lupin with a haughty sneer. "You claimed you wanted me to help because of my intelligence and analytical mind, yet now you accuse me of not being bright enough to figure out whatever it is you've given me? Go away, Lupin. I don't need you to explain a damned thing."  
  
"Then I take it you are an expert at deciphering Muggle journals and know all about their technology? So you won't have to ask questions about what UFOs, EBEs, and Men In Black are? How fortuitous for me, then, since I didn't think to bring a dictionary."  
  
Remus maintained his calm demeanor, reaching into a pocket and pulling out a shrunken box. He drew his wand, and then with a surreptitious look around to make certain no random Muggles could see what was happening, he enlarged it, so that he now had to use both hands to hold the very large container. "Here you go, Severus. Where do you want me to put it? Oh, no, I don't need any help. I wouldn't want you to strain your back or something. I'm a little bit stronger than you are, after all."  
  
"Put it on the stoop." Severus gestured imperiously to the ground. "I can levitate it inside. No, I do _not_ want your help deciphering anything," he added, making a shooing motion with his wand. "I don't care about that nonsense."  
  
Remus didn't move; he had no intention of putting down the box unless he had to. "But you are going to have to care about it, Severus," he said, refusing to back down. "The things in the Muggle journals could be of vital importance. Since they don't believe in magic, they have come up with the most bizarre ways of explaining away things that we find perfectly natural. The problem is weeding out what they have seen of our world that we already know and what they have seen that might possibly be something new - and dangerous."  
  
"If you think I'm going to work with you peering over my shoulder, you can just turn around and leave now." Severus ground out the words through clenched teeth. "I agreed to help, but I did not agree to have you or anyone else intrude on my life more than you already have."  
  
Remus sighed. "I don't need to be over your shoulder while you work, Severus. I just wanted to give you a brief explanation of the contents of the box." Severus' stubbornness was beginning to try even Remus' patience, but he persevered anyway. "It will take only a few minutes, you know. I have no desire to intrude, and we do appreciate the help. But if you are afraid of me, I suppose I have no choice." Slowly, Remus started to crouch toward the ground as though he were actually going to put down the box, hoping that Severus' temper wouldn't be able to stand the veiled insult.  
  
"I am not afraid of you, and you damned well know it!" Severus' fingers clenched around his wand, and his hand shook with the effort of not firing off a hex in retaliation for the insult. "I don't want you intruding in my house. I don't want you intruding in my life. I want to be left alone!" His voice rose to a shout, the tremor in his hands spreading throughout his body.  
  
How difficult was it for people to understand that he wanted to be left in peace? He had fulfilled his responsibilities and tried to repay his debt, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. They would keep coming back and dragging him away to do more terrible things because he had made too many mistakes, done too many things he couldn't atone for.  
  
"Enough!" His wand fell from nerveless fingers and clattered on the stones, and he covered his face with both hands, unable to keep from shaking and hating himself for showing weakness in front of Lupin. "It's never enough."  
  
Severus' anger was something Remus had expected, and he mentally prepared himself to take a curse full in the face. But instead he found himself staring, eyes wide with shock, as Severus' wand clattered to the ground, as Severus - Severus Snape, the bane of every Hogwarts student for the over 15 years, a man who had helped kill Voldemort, who had faced and fought more battles than Remus could imagine - seemed to dissolve before his eyes.  
  
Concern rushed in to replace his surprise, and Remus knew that this was definitely a sign that something was very, very wrong with Severus, more wrong than Remus had even suspected from his previous visit. He had an incredible, almost overwhelming urge to sweep Severus into his arms and just _hold_ him, to reassure Severus that everything would be all right. But Severus was a proud man, and there was no way he would accept that kind of comfort from anyone, much less Remus. Which didn't keep Remus from aching to offer it, to ease the pain that he himself had caused in the past and seemed to be causing now.  
  
Placing the box on the ground, Remus picked up Severus' wand. While he knew Severus wouldn't accept comfort, perhaps he would allow pragmatic help, and now that Severus was disarmed, Remus was going to do what he could, or at least as much as he could force Severus to allow. Without a word - and, more importantly, letting none of his own sympathy show on his face - Remus stepped into the doorway, taking Severus by the shoulders and turning him around. "I think this calls for tea," he said, in a matter-of-fact tone as though seeing Severus break down was a totally normal occurrence.  
  
Severus didn't resist as Lupin guided him inside into the sitting room, furious with himself and with Lupin for pushing him to this point, but at least Lupin wasn't drawing attention to his weakness or making fun of him. Lupin was treating the entire situation with a matter-of-factness that was oddly soothing, allowing Severus the luxury of calming himself and regaining his dignity.  
  
"There is tea in the kitchen," he said hollowly as he sank down onto the sofa and clasped his hands tightly to still the tremor in them. He refused to look at Lupin, focusing on trying to quell the turmoil within him and regain a measure of control before he made himself look even more pathetic than he already had.  
  
Remus gave a mental sigh of relief as Severus stopped fighting and followed along to the sitting room without making any comment. His sensitive nose caught the scents of dust and decay around him, and his quick glance around confirmed the clutter and disarray. But it wasn't the mess around Severus that bothered Remus; it was the mess that Severus' life had apparently become.  
  
Nodding in acknowledgment of Severus' comment about the tea, Remus followed his nose to where the kitchen had to be located. He wasted no time in pulling out his wand, and with a practiced hand, he cleaned the dishes piled in the sink and banished the trash to oblivion. The items on the counter he placed in the cabinet, telling himself that he was looking for the teapot - even though the kettle was in plain site on the stove. When the place had been straightened up, Remus took the kettle to the sink, filling it with water, then tapping it with his wand to boil.  
  
It took only a few minutes to put together the tea tray, and he picked it up, carrying it back into the sitting room where Severus waited. Pushing aside a few books on the sofa table, Remus sat the tray down and poured Severus a cup. He added two sugars, remembering Severus' preference from the year he had worked at Hogwarts a lifetime ago, and held out the cup to Severus.  
  
"There you are," he said simply. Remus looked at Severus, then carefully pulled Severus' wand from his pocket and laid it down on the table without a word before busying himself with pouring his own cup.  
  
Severus took the cup and put it aside, placing it on the tea table next to the sofa. He didn't want tea. He wanted to take back the last ten minutes and hex Lupin before he could make a fool of himself. He wanted Lupin to go away and leave him alone. He wanted to be left in peace so he could forget about the outside world and everyone in it. They would be just as happy to forget about him, he was certain.  
  
_Except them_ , he thought, remembering the three assassins. His blood froze in his veins as a sudden thought occurred to him, and he leaped to his feet. "Did you close the door?" he demanded, snatching up his wand and staring wild-eyed in the direction of the entrance hall.  
  
Remus had gingerly started to sit down, thinking he might could calm and soothe Severus into having a normal conversation when Severus suddenly surged up from the sofa, snatching up his wand and looking toward the foyer with a look of what seemed like fear. It caused a frisson of alarm to run down Remus' spine, and he quickly sat his cup down, drawing his own wand and moving hurriedly toward the front door.  
  
"Of course I closed it. Why, did you hear something?" Remus asked, instinctively interposing himself between Severus and any potential danger. He strained his ears, but there was no sound other than the normal noises of a Muggle street outside.  
  
"I don't want Them to get in." Severus sat down once more, relieved, although he didn't put his wand away. As long as the door was closed, he was safe. The wards and defenses he had constructed would keep them at bay.  
  
Remus turned, looking at Severus from the doorway. He was surprised at the protective feeling that surged up in him at the thought of anyone trying to hurt Severus. "Who would try to get in, Severus? Has someone been after you? Some of the Death Eaters? Why haven't you asked the Ministry for protection?"  
  
Severus shot him a look of pure disgust. "As if anyone, much less the Ministry, would give a damn about someone trying to kill me," he said, his voice cold and scathing. "Why are you so quick to assume they are Death Eaters? They could just as easily be from your side."  
  
"I give a damn," Remus said quietly. "And I assumed it might be Death Eaters because you betrayed them and helped to destroy the Dark Lord. You didn't betray the Order; I think most of them understand that now, and I can't imagine that any of them want you dead."  
  
"Then you're naive, a fool, and a liar." Severus' lip curled with disdain as he regarded Lupin with continued disgust. He knew damned well that Lupin didn't care about him and never had, and he also knew that the Order had not forgiven him for murdering Albus. They didn't understand, and they didn't forgive, and on the off chance they _weren't_ actively seeking revenge for what he had done, they still wouldn't lift a finger to help him now. "Say whatever it is you have to say and then get out."  
  
Remus sighed, shaking his head sadly. "I may be naive and a fool, but I'm not a liar," he replied in a dignified tone. "I don't have much left in my life, Severus. In fact, I don't have a damned thing. But I have my honor, and it means a great deal to me. If you can't accept that yes, I do give a damn about you and about what happens to you, that is your problem. But it isn't going to change the fact that I trust you, and that I, for one, am very sorry for ever doubting you in the first place. I'm not looking for forgiveness, but merely stating a fact. I'll even take Veritaserum if you would like, but I have no reason to tell you anything but the honest truth."  
  
Crossing the room, Remus moved back toward the chair by the sofa, sitting down in it and not caring whether Severus objected or not. He could well imagine that Severus had enemies after him, but Remus was not one of them, and Severus needed to accept it. "The information I brought for you to look at are clippings from both Wizarding and Muggle papers. Most of them are dated from after the final battle, with a sampling from beforehand, so that you can look for differences in the kinds of things that were reported before and after."  
  
"Oh, how very touching," Severus spat out the words with as much contempt as he could muster. "Forgive me if I don't believe your sudden change of heart, because you most certainly have never behaved in a manner that indicated you gave a damn about me before. You trust me - so what? That means nothing, especially since I'm willing to bet you thought I was a traitor just like everyone else was when you heard about Albus. You trust me now, after I turned on the Dark Lord, thus your trust means nothing to me. I also doubt you really care. You may feel guilt, but that isn't the same thing, so don't insult my intelligence by equating the two."  
  
Fury rose up within him anew as he glared at Lupin, loathing the sanctimonious tone and self-righteous words Lupin flung at him, as if he was the unreasonable one for doubting Lupin's sincerity. Lupin, who had repeatedly turned a blind eye to his friends tormenting and humiliating Severus. Lupin, who had lied by omission for a year to protect Black's secret. Lupin, who had nearly killed him.  
  
Ignoring Lupin's explanation, he rose to his feet and trained his wand on Lupin, his dark eyes flashing with decades-old wrath. "Your information is duly noted. Now get out, and don't come back."  
  
Remus refused to let Severus get to him, despite the restless stirring of the wolf within. He crossed his arms over his chest and lifted his chin, meeting Severus' eyes directly. "You'll believe as you wish, I have no doubt," he replied evenly. "And act as you wish. As I said, I'm not looking for forgiveness, since I doubt you have any to give. And I'll report what I told you before, Severus. You are welcome to hex me if you wish. In fact, if it will make you feel better, please go right ahead. Maybe then you'll believe I am sincere."  
  
The vein in Severus' temple began to throb, and his nostrils flared as he struggled to quell the urge to take Lupin up on the offer to hex him. Bloody typical! Lupin came in bleating about trust and sincerity after decades of antagonism, and suddenly everything was Severus' fault for being unreasonable and unforgiving.  
  
"I don't care about your so-called sincerity," he growled. "I don't give a damn about you, your sincerity, your trust, or your damned Order any more than any of you give a damn about me. You want me to help? Fine. On the condition that you will get to business and get out. You're here because I'm a necessary tool, not because you care about me or my well-being, so don't stand there and prate about sincerity and giving a damn. If you did, you would not have shown up only to tell me about some new threat. If there wasn't a threat, you and the rest of the Order would have never darkened my doorstep, and we both know it, so keep your self-righteousness to yourself, because I know better."  
  
"Have it your way, Severus," Remus said, resisting the urge to sigh in frustration. Severus had a point, and Remus couldn't deny it, but now... now that Remus had seen what had happened, now that he recognized his mistake, he did care, and he was sincere. He would just have to convince Severus of it. Not matter how long it took.  
  
It was probably a good thing that Remus didn't have much else to do, anyway; it was certain to be a full time job, if it could even be accomplished at all.  
  
Turning away without a word, Remus moved to the front door, opening it and retrieving the box. He carefully closed the door behind him before returning to the sitting room and placing the box on the floor near the sofa table. He drew his wand, and with a few quick waves, he straightened everything on the table and sent the tea tray floating back toward the kitchen. Then, deciding that Severus was already angry at him, Remus threw a couple of housecleaning charms, banishing dust and piling books and papers into tidy stacks. "You've obviously been quite busy, so I'll remove my annoying self from your presence now, Severus. Thank you for agreeing to aid us; if you need to owl me, I can be reached at Grimmauld Place."  
  
Giving a nod, Remus turned and once again headed for the door.  
  
"If you don't stop talking like some damned martyr, I _will_ hex you," Severus snarled. "And stop cleaning! If I wanted it done, I'd do it myself. I don't need your help. Out!"  
  
He waved his wand, snapping his wrist and shouting "Alohomora!" with such force that the front door swung open and crashed hard into the wall, leaving a doorknob shaped dent. He wanted Lupin out of his house and out of his life, resenting anew that he was being treated like a tool, existing purely for the convenience of the Order. The same Order that had turned its collective back on him for a year. He didn't need their help or their pity or anything else, not from any of them, and he had no intention of having anything to do with any of them beyond the bare minimum necessary to complete his task like a good little tool.  
  
Remus blinked as the door opened for him, almost seeming to fly off its hinges as Severus threw the spell. Oh, yes, he definitely had his work cut out for him, but he felt a surge of stubborn determination, causing his spine to stiffen. It didn't all come from the wolf, either.  
  
"Goodbye!" he called back over his shoulder, stepping outside and pulling the door shut behind him. As stubborn as Severus Snape could be, he was about to find out that Remus could be just as stubborn. After all, it was for Severus' own good.  



	3. Chapter 3

Severus rubbed his eyes and gave a silent snarl, impatient with himself - not for the first time since he had undertaken the task of sorting through the box of clippings and papers Lupin had brought him. Under normal circumstances, he was quick to understand and assimilate whatever he read, but these days, he had difficulty focusing on anything for very long. His mind - the organ he had used and counted on most his entire life - was scattered, his thoughts unorganized, and no matter how much he struggled to concentrate, he could only manage it for a few minutes at best. The weakness appalled him, and deep down, it worried him as well, but he refused to acknowledge it and stubbornly forged ahead, not wanting to face the possibility that his faculties were not as strong and sharp as they once had been.  
  
He had begun sorting through the articles and dividing them into three piles. The first pile was for obvious rubbish - hoaxes and fantasies, such as Muggles who claimed to have seen an Iguanodon traipsing through the forest in a remote area of Papua New Guinea. The second pile was for sightings or events that could be explained as normal overlap between the Muggle and Wizarding worlds, such as sightings of kelpies or poltergeist activity. The third pile was for things that weren't normal overlap yet which weren't obviously rubbish either. This pile was bigger than he expected it to be, and it troubled him.  
  
As much as he wanted to dismiss Lupin as an alarmist, he couldn't after seeing the mounting evidence, including a written report regarding the advancement of the Forbidden Forest on Hogwarts. Seeing McGonagall's familiar handwriting gave him a painful jolt, but once he got past that and read what she had written, he felt a surge of his old protectiveness for his only real home despite the fact that it was no longer his home and he could never return there. From his perspective, the encroaching trees were less problematic than the acromantulas accompanying them. Those creatures were deadly carnivores, and the students \- especially the younger ones - were ill-equipped to stave off an attack, especially if the creatures swarmed.  
  
But even more startling than seeing McGonagall's report was the headline from an issue of the _Daily Prophet_ dated June 24 announcing the Boy Who Lived was barely clinging to life. After that sensationalist headline, Severus expected to read about Potter being mangled beyond recognition, perhaps with a limb or two missing, but the article went on to say Potter had fallen into a mysterious slumber from which the Healers at St. Mungo's could not wake him. Severus snorted derisively. The Healers at St. Mungo's were incompetent arses. No doubt they were falling all over themselves to find a way to wake up Potter, but they had done nothing to help _him_ , he thought bitterly.  
  
He wondered why Lupin hadn't told him about this. Perhaps Lupin assumed he already knew; if this article was anything to go by, the entire Wizarding world was shocked and terrified they would lose their boy savior, thus it was possible Severus was literally the last to know what was going on. It was probably magical depletion, he thought, or perhaps a nasty backlash from something the Dark Lord had unleashed before he died. Whatever the case, he wasn't concerned; Potter would wake up because he had never been held accountable for anything, and Severus wouldn't be surprised if even the Grim Reaper let Potter off scot-free.  
  
It took a long time for him to finish sorting through the articles, longer than it should have, but when he finished at last, he bundled up the first and second piles separately and put them back in the box. He didn't want to throw them away, not even the rubbish pile, in case he had sorted something incorrectly and needed to find it again later. He kept the third pile out, however, and began reading through the clippings again, fighting to concentrate and figure out some sort of pattern or connection.  
  
Just reading them yielded no clues, however. There was no reason for the forest to pull up roots and start moving, and there should not have been a basilisk in the Highlands. Individually, nothing made sense, but he was determined to find some connection. To that end, he began constructing a magical map, using as his reference an old atlas from his personal library that hadn't been confiscated when the Aurors ransacked his house during the war. It should have been a simple matter, but it took him an entire afternoon, the precise spellwork requiring a level of focus he no longer possessed, and it was sheer force of will that helped him see the task through.  
  
When he was finished at last, he was exhausted, and he stumbled upstairs to his bedroom and fell onto his bed, still fully dressed. But despite his fatigue, sleep eluded him as it usually did, and when he drifted off at long last, his sleep was fitful and plagued with bad dreams.  
  


* * *

  
Remus made his way once more toward Spinner's End, determination stiffening his  
spine in the face of the reception he knew awaited him. Severus had made it  
clear he didn't care if Remus never came back, but after seeing how Severus was  
living and after hearing that Severus was being stalked by people who wished to  
harm him, Remus found himself worrying. It might seem ironic, and certainly  
given Severus' feelings, it was no doubt misplaced, but Remus was concerned for  
Severus' well being.  
  
Much of it, he knew, stemmed from his own guilt. Guilt which Severus had taxed  
him with and rightfully so. But it wasn't all guilt. Severus did deserve better  
than he was giving himself, and Remus felt that he owed Severus a very real  
debt. Severus had brewed the Wolfsbane potion that had kept Remus safe during  
his year at Hogwarts. So now Remus would keep Severus safe. It was the right  
thing to do. The fact that Severus didn't want his help didn't make it any less  
right, either.  
  
As the house came in sight, Remus self-consciously adjusted his new robes. Not  
that new was precisely correct; they were old ones from Grimmauld Place, ones  
Harry had found... before... and Remus had Transfigured to fit. The cut was  
classic, thank Merlin, and the dark gray wool was thick with no patches. Within  
one of the pockets, he had secreted some fresh herbs and spices, things he knew  
Severus probably wouldn't have on hand if the state of the kitchen had been any  
indication. Caring for Severus would include cooking him a real, decent meal, if  
Remus could manage it. If not, then Remus would just leave them there and hope  
Severus would be inspired enough to cook for himself.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Remus mounted the steps and knocked. As an added  
precaution, he slid one foot forward surreptitiously; if Severus tried to close  
the door in his face, Remus would be ready.  
  
As soon as Severus peeked out the window to see who had set off the wards, a  
surge of white hot anger welled up in his chest, and he stormed to the front  
door and yanked it open, snarling at the sight of Lupin. How dare Lupin keep  
intruding on his home! Was the damned werewolf determined to make a nuisance of  
himself until Severus gave in and went off to fight whatever menace was  
threatening them? Was it that damned important that he sacrifice himself, or  
would that not even be enough to satisfy the Order?  
  
"I told you I would contact you when I was ready," he spat. "Go away!"  
  
"Hello, Severus. It's good to see you," Remus said calmly, keeping a pleasant  
smile on his face despite the expected wrath. "How is your progress with the  
research coming?"  
  
"What part of 'I will contact you when I have something to report' do you not  
understand?" Severus replied, grinding his teeth with frustration. "You said you  
wouldn't hover over my shoulder, but coming here unasked and unwanted to check  
up on my progress counts as hovering. Now go away!"  
  
"It's not hovering, it's a visit," Remus said quietly. "I was out, and I  
wondered how you were getting on. We used to be colleagues, Severus. And I still  
stand behind what I told you before; I am concerned about you, and whether you  
believe me or not, that doesn't change how I feel."  
  
Remus paused, looking at Severus and giving him what he hoped was an appealing  
smile. "May I come in? I even brought something for you that isn't related to  
strange magic or monsters. And I'll bet you couldn't guess what it is, not in a  
million years."  
  
Colleagues. Of course. Severus sneered at the very notion. He knew damned well  
Lupin had always looked down on him, just like Potter and Black had done.  
Perhaps they had worked in the same place for a short time, but they weren't  
colleagues. That implied mutual respect, and there was none of that on either  
side.  
  
He narrowed his eyes and peered at Lupin with suspicion, the smile setting off a  
warning. No one smiled at him, and no one ever gave him anything unless they had  
to, like the duty gifts exchanged among the Hogwarts staff at Christmas. This  
was a trick; it had to be.  
  
"I don't want anything from you," he snapped and moved swiftly to slam the door.  
  
If Remus hadn't been prepared and hadn't possessed lycanthrope speed and  
strength, Severus might have succeeded in slamming the door in his face. As it  
was, however, Remus blocked it with his foot, his hand flashing out at the same  
time. Since politeness hadn't gotten him his way, judicious use of trickery  
appeared to be his only hope.  
  
Therefore Remus stood in the blocked door, staring over Severus' shoulder into  
the house. "Oh my God, what is that?" he gasped, feigning shock.  
  
Awash in panic, Severus whirled and drew his wand, wild-eyed as his terrified  
gaze swept the entrance hall. Had his wards failed? Had They found a way past  
his protections? Had They come for him at last? His heart lurched and hammered  
in his chest, and his breath froze in his lungs as he searched for whatever  
hidden menace was lurking in his own house.  
  
When Severus turned, drawing his wand, Remus took the opportunity to push  
Severus aside and enter the house. He moved into the entrance hall and stopped  
to stare at a landscape portrait of nowhere in particular. "Oh, blast! For a  
moment, I thought that was a picture of the Forbidden Forest. Well, I guess I  
was wrong."  
  
Remus turned and smiled at Severus, but his smile faded as he noticed the  
panicked look on Severus' face. His feeling of success faded to regret and deep  
concern. Was Severus really that certain someone was out to kill him? That they  
could have gotten past his wards and into his house?  
  
"I think we need to have a talk, Severus," he said gently. "Has anyone  
threatened you? Do you really think they could get past your wards? I will  
happily help you with more wards if it will make you feel safer."  
  
With his blood still frozen in his veins from pure fear, Severus stared blankly  
at Lupin, trying to process Lupin's words - and shifting from panic to fury when  
they sank in, and he realized Lupin had indeed tricked him.  
  
"I told you someone was after me!" he shouted, a vein throbbing in his temple as  
his face grew flushed with anger. "It isn't my fault if you didn't believe me. I  
don't want your help. I have all the protection I need - except from duplicitous  
bastards who insist on intruding where they aren't wanted!"  
  
"You should calm down, Severus; you'll give yourself a stroke if you get  
yourself so worked up. I think... tea. Yes, you definitely need tea. Why don't  
you sit down, and I'll make you some? I don't think you should handle a kettle  
in your state."  
  
Remus' voice was low and even, and with a mental deep breath, he turned and  
headed toward the kitchen. It was a calculated risk to present his back to  
Severus. After all, he doubted Severus would hesitate to hex a man in the back,  
not for a moment. Especially not a former Marauder. But it was a risk Remus was  
willing to take. Severus needed help, and Remus was prepared to lay siege and  
risk life and limb in order to provide it.  
  
Severus gaped at Lupin's retreating back, wanting to hex the arrogant,  
presumptuous fool into oblivion, but too stunned to do it. Why was Lupin not  
leaving? Why was he yammering about tea instead of running for his life in the  
face of Severus' wrath? What the hell was it going to take to get Lupin out of  
his house?  
  
Short of a stunning spell and bodily ejection, apparently that wasn't going to  
happen, and Severus stood alone in the entrance hall for a moment before finally  
putting away his wand and closing the door. He wanted Lupin gone, but not at the  
price of bringing the rest of the Order down on his head for harming Lupin. He  
wanted to be left alone, not have more people banging on his door, thus it would  
be simpler if he dealt with Lupin quickly and got rid of him as soon as  
possible.  
  
He moved like an automaton into the sitting room and sank down on the sofa,  
still unnerved from the scare Lupin had given him. He lived in fear that They  
would find a way around his defenses, and as angry as he was, he was also  
grateful it had been nothing more than a ruse after all. He was safe. For now.  
  
Only when he made it to the kitchen did Remus allow himself to breathe again,  
and he heaved a deep sigh of relief that made him somewhat lightheaded. Then he  
went silent and still, listening carefully as Severus moved through the house,  
tracing the footsteps into the sitting room. It seemed that Severus wasn't going  
to kill him for the intrusion, and that was good enough for Remus.  
  
For now, at least.  
  
A quick glance around proved that Severus hadn't gotten any better about his  
housecleaning habits, and Remus found his concern returning. This was definitely  
not the Severus Snape that he remembered, the same Severus Snape who had been so  
finicky and precise about the placement of things in his office and workroom at  
Hogwarts. The dishes were again piled in the sink, and Remus nosed around the  
rubbish bin, noting that Severus' diet was not very nourishing. Well, Remus  
would change that if he could.  
  
A few spells cleaned up the kitchen, and then Remus poked about, finding a pot  
and vegetables and a piece of roast in the cold box. He pulled out the fresh  
herbs he had brought, and in no time, he had a rich, nourishing soup simmering  
on the stove.  
  
It was fortunate that Remus had spent almost a whole year working with Severus  
and had such a keen sense of smell and a good memory; at least he knew what  
Severus preferred to eat. While the soup cooked, Remus made the tea, letting it  
take time to boil and steep rather than using magic to give the soup more time  
to simmer. When the kettle whistled, he arranged the tray, leaving the soup to  
cook for a bit longer so that it would taste better.  
  
Taking up the tray, Remus walked into the sitting room and glanced at Severus as  
he entered. He didn't let his anxiety show on his face, but he was prepared for  
almost any sort of greeting, given Severus' uncertain emotional state. There was  
definitely something up, and Remus knew if he wanted to understand what was  
truly going on with Severus, he needed to get to the bottom of it and soon.  
  
Sitting the tray on the low table, Remus poured out the tea and fixed Severus'  
for him before holding out the cup. "Drink this," he said firmly. "You need it."  
  
Severus glared up at Lupin with defiance. What was Lupin going to do if he  
didn't drink it - pour it down his throat? He took the cup and promptly put it  
aside. "I don't want any damned tea," he said, silently daring Lupin to force  
the issue. "Say whatever it is you came here to say and then get out. I have  
work to do if you want information on those articles any time soon."  
  
Remus' eyes flashed at the defiance, and he felt the wolf stir and rise up in  
his eyes to stare at Severus. Remus poured a cup of his own and sank down in the  
chair next to the sofa, sipping at the fragrant beverage. "Either drink the tea  
or hex me, Severus," he said, voice deceptively quiet. "But I won't speak again  
until you do one or the other. Even if it means I move in here and live in this  
chair for the next twenty years. I've tried handling you with kid gloves, and  
you have fought me. Well, the gloves are off, so let's play, shall we?"  
  
Severus' anger flared again, hot and strong, and he surged to his feet, drawing  
his wand and clenching it in a white-knuckled grip as he aimed at Lupin. Who the  
hell did Lupin think he was, barging into Severus' house, ordering him around,  
and issuing ultimatums? Severus was a free man now, and he wouldn't tolerate  
anyone giving him orders anymore, especially not in his own home.  
  
" _Levicorpus_!" he shouted. "You want to play, Lupin? Fine, we shall play,  
but don't you dare give me orders in my own house!"  
  
When Severus drew his wand, Remus sighed, knowing that a curse was coming, and  
he mentally steeled himself for whatever was to occur. He hadn't quite expected  
 _Levicorpus_ , however, but he took it stoically, letting his teacup fall to  
the floor. In fact, he was amused, especially when his robes did the natural  
thing that robes did when those wearing them were turned upside down.  
  
And Remus wasn't wearing any underpants.  
  
"Oops, you've made me spill my tea, I'm afraid," he said equitably, gazing at  
Severus with a wry grin. "And you realize that according to Victorian codes, you  
now have to marry me?"  
  
Horrified, Severus averted his eyes and turned away quickly, muttering,  
" _Finite Incantatem_ ," letting Lupin fall in a heap on the floor.  
  
But at least he would be a decently covered heap. It wasn't as if Severus had  
never seen such a sight before, but it had been decades ago in the Slytherin  
shared bathroom, and they had been boys, not adult men. Severus had no desire to  
see Lupin, of all people, in a state of undress, and he clenched his wand in one  
shaking hand, his cheeks burning with humiliation yet again, hating himself for  
losing his dignity over and over with Lupin lately and hating Lupin for forcing  
him into these horrible situations where his pride was forfeit.  
  
Only lycanthrope reflexes saved Remus from injuring himself as Severus suddenly  
removed the spell. He landed on one shoulder and quickly rolled with the drop,  
winding up in a sitting position on the floor, and he continued to smile. He  
could see Severus flushed with embarrassment, and Remus kept his voice light,  
hoping to soothe Severus. "I won't hold you to the marriage, though, if it  
bothers you, Severus. Perhaps we can just have a long engagement? Or if you  
prefer, you could jilt me at the altar, so that I'm the one who has to be  
embarrassed."  
  
"Stop your foolishness at once and get to the point, Lupin." Severus tucked his  
wand away and folded his arms tightly, his shoulders hunched as he kept his back  
to Lupin. He wanted nothing more than for Lupin to leave him alone, especially  
when every encounter went badly for him.  
  
"All right," Remus said, rising to his feet. He picked up his cup from where it  
had fallen, drawing his wand and cleaning up the spilled tea with a quick flick  
of his wand. "My point. Do you still like beef soup?"  
  
"What the devil does that have to do with the damned articles?" Severus  
demanded, his brows snapping together in a scowl, although he still refused to  
turn and look at Lupin. Perhaps if he ignored Lupin's presence long enough,  
Lupin would disappear.  
  
"It has nothing to do with them," Remus said reasonably. "You wanted to know the  
purpose of my visit, right? I said I would tell you. The point of my visit was  
to make beef soup for you. Actually, it's done now. Can't you smell it? I'm  
hungry, come to think of it. I think I'll have a bowl. Would you like some too?"  
  
"NO!" Severus whirled to glare at Lupin and resisted the urge to stamp his feet  
in sheer frustration, but barely. "I don't want any damned soup! You have no  
right to invade my house like this. I didn't invite you, and I don't want you  
here, so take your soup and get out!"  
  
His suspicions flared, and he silently vowed not to eat a single spoonful of  
that soup. There was no telling what Lupin had put in it - and there _had_  
to be something, because no one, especially not Remus Lupin, former friend of  
James Potter and Sirius Black, came to Severus' house and made soup for purely  
altruistic reasons. Lupin had either been sent by the Order to drug him and take  
him into captivity, or Lupin was playing another trick on him, trying to  
humiliate him or repay him for the things he had done. Lupin had tricked him  
once to get into the house, and Severus didn't doubt he would do it again.  
  
That he could indeed smell the soup as the rich scent of it wafted from the  
kitchen was something he chose to ignore. He couldn't remember the last time  
he'd eaten; he often forgot, reminded only when his stomach growled and hunger  
gnawed at his insides. Once upon a time, he had enjoyed cooking, experimenting  
with food as he had experimented with potions, and his house had been filled  
with the scents of his latest concoction. Now, however, cooking was too  
time-consuming and draining, and he didn't have the energy to care anymore. He  
felt a little hunger pang and pressed one hand against his stomach, hoping it  
didn't decide to growl at this most inopportune moment; that was all he needed  
to top off this humiliating encounter.  
  
Remus listened to Severus' tirade, feeling his calmness slipping away. He had  
tried with Severus, truly tried, and all he was getting was stonewalled in  
return. He knew he could just turn and walk away, leaving Severus to his own  
devices, but that just wasn't acceptable. Remus had turned away too often in  
Severus' case, turned away when he had known the right thing to do and hadn't  
done it. Severus was either suicidal or disturbed or both, and Remus couldn't,  
just _couldn't_ walk away this time. Not when he was partly responsible for  
Severus being in this condition.  
  
The wolf rose up, fierce and strong, and Remus stopped fighting it. With a  
growl, he seized Severus by the shoulders, pushing him back against the wall  
until they were almost nose to nose. Or nose to chin, rather, since Severus had  
a few inches in height on him. But height didn't matter, because Remus was  
stronger physically than any normal human. And at least in this case, he was  
more determined to stay than Severus was to have him go.  
  
"For a man who claims to be avoiding people who are out to kill him, you seem to  
be doing a fine job of committing slow suicide to me!" he snarled, eyes  
glittering golden and inhuman. "If you want to kill yourself so badly, why not  
just step out in the street and let them take you instead of wasting away in  
this hole? Are you truly afraid of dying, Severus - or are you more afraid to  
live?"  
  
Severus wheezed as the air rushed out of his lungs when his back hit the wall,  
and he struggled to draw breath to speak, to rail at Lupin and to fight back,  
but the words wouldn't come. He had never seen Lupin display the strength  
lycanthropy bestowed on him, nor had he ever seen such a bestial light in  
Lupin's eyes - at least, not while he was in human form. He was forcibly  
reminded of his encounter with the werewolf in the Shrieking Shack; in the split  
second before James Potter pulled him out, he had stared into the eyes of the  
beast, and a shudder rippled down his spine at the sensation of deja vu.  
  
Something within him responded to the aggression of the wolf; he had ignored the  
calm rationality Lupin had displayed, but this... this he couldn't ignore, and  
not just because he found himself slammed against the wall. Had he lived under  
the thumb of other men so long that his instinct was to heed the voice of anyone  
stronger than he? The thought sickened him; after twenty years, he was free of  
both Albus and the Dark Lord's influences, and he had vowed never to shackle  
himself to another living soul ever again.  
  
It didn't help that Lupin's words were hitting so close to home. He had  
considered letting Them take him. What did he have to live for anyway? No one  
would miss him when he was gone, and dying was preferable to spending the rest  
of his life as a prisoner in his own home. He had no ties strong enough to keep  
him here, and when it came right down to it, he wasn't certain why he hadn't  
just let Them kill him before now anyway. It was better than the slow suicide,  
as Lupin termed it, he was experiencing now.  
  
He squirmed and pushed against Lupin, putting up a token resistance even though  
he knew his strength was no match for Lupin's, and then he slumped against the  
wall and averted his face, remaining silent.  
  
Remus watched as Severus struggled and fought, then seemed to wilt, and it  
caused Remus' own anger to fade away into guilt. It was surprisingly painful to  
watch when Remus remembered Severus' pride, his spirit, his incredible will to  
live and survive. This man before him was more like the ghost of Severus Snape,  
a defeated doppelganger that didn't seem to have the will to go on.  
  
The sight tore at Remus' heart. He had wanted to help Severus, but he had  
inflicted more harm. But Severus couldn't be allowed to die, to curl in on  
himself. It might be his right, but Remus thought Severus deserved better, even  
from himself. The past was done and gone, and their youth with it, but Severus  
could have a long, decent, happy life if he would just give himself permission  
to do so. Remus cared. It would probably wind up bringing him nothing except  
grief, but it seemed he couldn't stop himself from doing it anyway.  
  
"You need to eat," he said firmly. "You are going to eat. Right? Because you  
aren't going to kill yourself while I am around. I know you don't believe me,  
but that's just too bad, Severus. I'm going to be your will to go on until your  
own comes back from whatever dark hell you've banished it to."  
  
As Lupin spoke, Severus' will resolved itself, and he felt a fresh swell of  
determination, but not quite in the way Lupin meant. Severus had decided: the  
next time They appeared outside his house, he would go to Them. He supposed he  
ought to thank Lupin for helping end his indecision, but he had no intention of  
telling Lupin what he planned to do. The noble fool would probably try to stop  
him, and what was the point of that?  
  
He was alone. He had no job and no hope of finding one. He was hated, reviled,  
and distrusted. He didn't belong anywhere. Once upon a time, Hogwarts had been  
his refuge, a sanctuary where there was one person who trusted him completely.  
Albus had used him, yes, but Albus had depended on Severus, too, and Hogwarts  
had been the closest thing to a safe home Severus had ever known.  
  
But that was all over, and he would never have that again. He would never be  
welcomed back into the Wizarding world after what he had done. No one would ever  
trust him or care about him. There was nothing left but people who wanted to use  
him, and Severus was tired. So very tired.  
  
"I'll eat," he murmured. He would agree to whatever Lupin wanted in order to get  
Lupin out of the house more quickly. Once Lupin was gone, he could lower the  
wards and await his fate.  
  
"Good," Remus said quietly, releasing Severus and stepping back. Something was  
niggling at him, however, and he eyed Severus closely, wondering if it was a  
trick. Then Remus sighed. A victory was a victory, and if Severus was going to  
kill himself - the quick way, at least - he would have done it by now. No doubt  
the capitulation was just to get Remus out of the house, but this was shaping up  
to be a long series of skirmishes rather than a quick battle. But Severus was a  
fighter by nature. Remus just needed to remind him of that.  
  
"I think you'll like the soup," he said softly, turning and heading back toward  
the kitchen, beckoning Severus to follow him. He moved to the cupboard and  
retrieved bowls and spoons before returning to the stove and dishing up the  
soup. He walked to the table and set the bowls down, gesturing to Severus to  
take a seat. "I remembered the herbs and spices you seemed to like the most at  
Hogwarts, and I used them in the soup. You've not been eating well, but maybe  
it's because you haven't liked what you are eating. Hopefully something good and  
warm and nourishing will reawaken your interest in food. I know it always worked  
wonders for me."  
  
Remus smiled. He was chattering, probably, but hopefully Severus would be  
soothed by it. After being alone so much, maybe the sound of another human voice  
would remind him of the world outside these dismal walls. Either that, or it  
would irritate him. Either way, it didn't matter to Remus. As long as he could  
break through Severus' apparent despair, he would consider it a gain.  
  
As soon as Lupin released him, Severus straightened his clothes, smoothing his  
hands down the front of his robes, and followed Lupin into the kitchen with  
quiet obedience, taking a seat at the table and waiting. Lupin was babbling, but  
Severus tuned it out, weighted down by a growing sense of apathy. Now that he  
had made his decision, he felt detached from the world already, as if he were  
merely going through the motions until it was over at last.  
  
Lupin handed him a bowl of soup and a spoon, and he began to eat without  
protest. He scarcely tasted the soup, and it weighed heavily on his empty  
stomach, making him feel vaguely ill, but he said nothing, just continued to eat  
until the bowl was empty. Dropping the spoon into the bowl, he sat back and  
folded his arms. Perhaps now Lupin would be satisfied and leave him in peace.  
  
Remus went silent as they ate, realizing that Severus was only going through the  
motions, and that concerned him. Remus was no psychologist, but it seemed  
Severus was in a state of shock. Perhaps that was it... he was dealing with the  
truths Remus had told him. All Severus needed was to sleep, and between that and  
a real meal, things would look much better in the morning.  
  
Finishing up his own bowl, Remus smiled again, then spoke in a voice that was  
quiet and gentle. "I'm sorry, Severus, for having to be so... well. But I've  
told you, I'm concerned for your welfare. I think you should get some sleep, and  
everything will seem better tomorrow. One day at a time, right? That's the way  
to take it, and soon it will all be better."  
  
Remus stood, picked up the bowls, and carried them to the sink, clearing up the  
mess. He puttered a bit longer, finding a lid for the pot and putting the  
leftover soup in the icebox. Finally satisfied that he had done all he could,  
Remus turned to look at Severus once more. He had one more request, and he hoped  
that Severus would acquiesce to it.  
  
"I'll go now, but please, Severus, I'd like to speak to you tomorrow. To check  
on you. If I do go, will you please let me in tomorrow to talk to you?"  
  
Severus barely refrained from rolling his eyes. A bowl of soup and a good  
night's sleep, and everything would be better. Of course. Even if he was able to  
get anything vaguely resembling restful sleep, he knew there was no chance of  
anything getting better. Not for him.  
  
He would have sneered with disdain at the notion of Lupin caring enough to check  
up on him, only he couldn't muster the energy to care. Instead he shrugged and  
muttered, "Very well."  
  
There was no harm in agreeing to let Lupin in; it was a moot point anyway. They  
would come tonight. They always came at night. By the time Lupin arrived  
tomorrow, the only thing in this house for Lupin to check on would be a corpse.  
  
Severus' words were quiet and disturbing by that very fact. But Remus had gotten  
what he wanted; it would be churlish to argue in the face that. "All right,  
then," he said, giving Severus a smile that belied his worry. Severus obviously  
wasn't going to communicate anymore than night, and so with a sigh, Remus walked  
to the table.  
  
Hesitantly, he reached out and touched Severus on the shoulder, wishing he knew  
why he felt so disturbed about all this. There was nothing for it, however,  
except to keep his word as Severus had kept his. "I'll see you tomorrow,  
Severus," he continued. "Don't bother to see me out; you should rest. I'll talk  
to you tomorrow."  
  
With that, Remus moved to the door, and with a final, worried glance at Severus,  
he turned and left the house.  
  
Severus watched Lupin go, too detached even to feel relief now that Lupin was  
gone and he was alone at last. He pushed back his chair and rose from the table  
like an automaton, feeling nothing, not even fear at the thought of this being  
the last night of his life. Drawing his wand, he chanted in a low, lifeless  
voice, removing the wards and protections one by one until the house was laid  
bare, and then he let his wand fall from his limp hand. It clattered and rolled  
across the floor, but he didn't bother noticing where it went; he didn't need it  
anymore.  
  
Making his way to the entrance hall, he opened the front door and stood on the  
threshold, waiting. The night was clear and cool, stars shining brightly  
overhead, but Severus' attention was focused on the street. He peered into the  
shadows, searching for any sign of movement, any slight rustle of noise that  
would indicate They had arrived. All was quiet for now; this street had been  
mostly unoccupied for years except for elderly Muggles who were either stone  
deaf or too timid to poke their noses out of their houses after dark. There  
would be no interruptions no matter what happened, and that suited Severus just  
fine.  
  
It could have been minutes or hours later when he finally saw Them. Three as  
usual, their faces shrouded by their dark hoods. They stopped just short of  
where the barrier of the wards should have been, and they seemed to look at him.  
Severus imagined they must be puzzled; he had never confronted them before or  
even shown himself other than peeking out a window.  
  
One of them, the tallest, stepped forward as if testing, and its body jerked as  
if with surprise at finding its way no longer impeded. Lifting one hand, it  
beckoned to its companions, and they glided toward him. He straightened,  
standing tall and proud even though he knew he faced his doom. They were here to  
make him pay for his crimes, and he _wanted_ to pay. Absolution and  
forgiveness were beyond him, but he could be punished. A life for a life. It was  
just, and he was prepared to accept the verdict.  
  
No words were spoken as all three unfastened their girdles and moved closer;  
Severus heard an unusual rattle, and as they drew nearer, he could see that  
their girdles were long chains fashioned of scorpions, although whether they  
were alive or dead, he couldn't tell. The tallest raised its arm, and the chain  
snaked out, whip-like, and lashed across his chest, ripping through his robes,  
and he could feel the burn of poison in the wound, searing his blood.  
  
At his lack of resistance, they let out piercing, unearthly cries and fell on  
him, stinging lashes falling on his chest, his arms, his face - anywhere they  
could reach - and Severus fell to his knees, throwing up his arms in a  
half-hearted attempt to shield himself, but he didn't cry out. On and on it  
went, until his clothes were blood-soaked tatters, and he collapsed, unable to  
hold himself upright any longer.  
  
"End it, damn you!" he snarled, mustering one last bit of defiance as he stared  
up at them through a haze of blood and pain.  
  
But the only response was mocking laughter. "You seek the comfort of death, and  
it does not suit us to grant it yet."  
  
He didn't know which of them spoke, but the tallest raised its chain again, and  
its companions followed suit, prepared to resume the flogging until he was  
senseless.  


* * *

  
After leaving Severus' house, Remus started back down the street. The whole encounter left him oddly unsettled, despite the fact that he thought Severus just needed time. Something wasn't right, but Remus couldn't put his finger on precisely what it was or why it bothered him so. If Severus had been going to hurt himself, he would have done it by now.  
  
And yet... Remus didn't Apparate back to Grimmauld Place. Instead he found himself walking around the neighborhood, looking in alleys and down quiet, empty streets. Severus had claimed that people wanted to kill him, and it certainly wouldn't hurt for Remus to check around to see if he found any evidence that Severus was being stalked.  
  
Some long time later, Remus was convinced there was nothing to be seen except row after row of dingy, depressing houses, all very similar to Severus' own. If there were assassins after Severus, they weren't around now, and Remus sighed, telling himself that he was being ridiculous. Severus had taken care of himself for almost forty years; he could do it for one more night without Remus' help.  
  
That was when Remus heard something, a series of cries that caused the hair to stand up on the back of his neck, sounds which called to the darkness of the wolf within him and brought it surging to the surface with a feral cry. Remus didn't stop to think or to analyze; in a flash, he was running with all his preternatural speed directly for Severus' house. He didn't have to ask if the sounds came from there - he knew they did. Something was after Severus, and it was up to Remus to stop it.  
  
It seemed to take forever, even running full out, but soon Remus was dashing into Severus' street, eyes wide as he saw three robed, hooded figures. His keen hearing picked up the rattle and drag of chains, and then he saw Severus, kneeling on the ground as they attacked. The scent of blood was thick in the air, and Remus had no doubt the blood was Severus'... and the scent drove him into a wild frenzy of protective fury.  
  
An inhuman snarl ripped from Remus' throat as he launched himself at the nearest attacker. The form moved with too much fluid, deadly grace to be human, and Remus caught no odor that would identify it as anything he knew. But all that mattered to Remus was stopping them before they killed Severus. He would not allow it to happen.  
  
With a thud, Remus impacted the first body, hitting hard and driving it to the ground. Rage was upon him, almost as potent as moonlight, and Remus found himself fighting as the wolf would fight with claws and teeth. The taste on his tongue was not blood, was not anything he knew, but Remus didn't care as long as the creature died.  
  
Darkness was closing in on Severus rapidly, but he was dimly aware of something lunging at one of his assailants, sending it tumbling to the ground; the sound of snarling and of inhuman screams reached him as if through a vacuum as the figures recoiled in shock and then fled, and his last thought before oblivion claimed him was one of disappointment that they hadn't granted what he so desperately sought.  
  
Remus struggled with the attacker he had downed, but it was strong, stronger even than he. He thought he had hurt it, but it was impossible to really tell; he could see no face, could only hear the shrieking, which cut through his head like tiny daggers. It threw him off, and Remus landed hard, then rolled to his feet, preparing to charge again.  
  
Strangely, though, the three forms retreated, twisting and turning and disappearing into the darkness as though they were nothing but shadows themselves. He was stunned, but he had no time to turn and give chase. He turned his attention to Severus, stifling a whimper of horror as he saw Severus crumpled on the ground, splayed out like a broken doll.  
  
Moving quickly, Remus scooped Severus up in his arms and ran for the house. He kicked the door shut behind him, having no time to set locks or wards or anything else; he would only have to hope the attackers wouldn't return. It took only a few moments to reach the sitting room, and he placed Severus gently on the couch. A quick examination caused Remus' throat to tighten in horror; Severus was bruised, lacerated, and there was a harsh, acrid scent, one that spoke of poison to Remus' sensitive nose. He drew in a hissing breath, knowing that if he didn't do something soon, Severus might die.  
  
Pulling his wand, Remus cast a quick healing spell on the worst of the deep cuts, so that Severus wouldn't bleed to death. Not knowing what kind of poison it might be, however, limited what Remus could do with magic to save Severus' life. He would have to find Severus' potions and hope there was a bezoar among the supplies.  
  
The house was small, and Remus searched quickly, looking for Severus' workroom. Fortunately, his nose was again useful, for the potent scents of various herbs drew him quickly toward a small room on the first floor. He opened the door, relieved to find what appeared to be a well-stocked room.  
  
A quick inventory was all he had time for, and Remus snatched up several bottles of pain potion. He rifled shelves and let out a breath of relief as he located a bottle containing bezoars, and he grabbed those as well and headed back to Severus.  
  
"Hold on, hold on, Severus," he found himself chanting like a mantra as he knelt on the floor by the end of the sofa at Severus' head. He withdrew a bezoar from the bottle and opened Severus' mouth, popping the stone in and tipping Severus' head back to force him to swallow by reflex.  
  
Severus choked and sputtered, darkness receding along with the poison in his blood as the bezoar took effect, and his chest heaved as he drew in a deep breath. He didn't want to give up the peace of oblivion, but tendrils of pain were twining around him, drawing him back, and he groaned as he fought the return to consciousness, not wanting to face the world again, especially if They were lying in wait for him.  
  
Remus sighed as Severus stirred, and he quickly picked up and uncorked the most potent of the pain potions he had found. "Here, Severus, you must drink this," he said, not knowing if Severus could hear him or even understand. He placed an arm behind Severus' shoulders, lifting him up. Slowly, carefully, he gave Severus the potion, drops at a time, waiting for Severus to swallow before dribbling a bit more into his mouth. It took time, but Remus stayed focused, knowing that it was vital to get the potion into Severus in order to ease the pain and start the healing.  
  
Severus staved off the gradual return to consciousness as long as he could, but he couldn't hold it off forever. The burning in his blood was fading, as was the agonizing pain of the lacerations covering his body. He slowly became aware of the sharp tang of a potion on his tongue and of someone's arms around him, supporting him. If he regained consciousness at all, he expected to find himself sprawled on the doorstep, not being fed a pain potion and held. Was he hallucinating? He had to be; there was no one who would take care of him like this. This was nothing but a fever dream.  
  
He cracked his eyes open and peered blearily out at the world - and looked up in to Lupin's face.  
  
"I've died and gone to hell," he croaked.  
  
"Not quite yet, thank God," Remus replied, feeling a huge jolt of relief. If Severus was well enough to snark, then he wasn't going to die.  
  
The pain potion was gone, and Remus uncorked another, holding it up to Severus' lips. "I managed to hurt one, I think, and they ran off. I'm not going to let them hurt you, Severus. Never again. I swear my life on it."  
  
Remus was startled to hear himself voicing that vow, but he realized he meant it. Whatever was after Severus, Remus knew he had to protect him. The wolf demanded it of him, and he demanded it of himself.  
  
Severus' limbs felt heavy, but he mustered the strength to reach up and push away the vial, turning his head. "I don't want it," he rasped, his voice still weak. "I don't want your protection, you presumptuous idiot. Why didn't you just let them kill me?"  
  
Not that they would have. He remembered their taunting words all too well; they had a taste of his blood now, but it wasn't enough to satisfy them. They would be back, and eventually they would demand his life. He only wished they had taken it tonight rather than dragging out the torture and making him wait when he had finally decided he had had enough.  
  
"You may not want my protection, but you have it anyway," Remus said, an undercurrent of a growl in his voice. Then something occurred to him, and he looked at Severus, eyes wide with horror. "Dammit, Severus - did you do this on purpose? Go out there, knowing you would be attacked and possibly even killed? That's... that's...."  
  
It was crazy, and finally things clicked for Remus. Severus _was_ suicidal, and Remus had goaded him into taking this step.  
  
"Oh, God," Remus groaned, leaning down and burying his face against Severus' hair. His own feelings were a jumble, but he couldn't deny the fact that the thought of Severus' death filled him with horror. "Severus, you can't do this. I may not have the right, but I'm _making_ it my business. You deserve better than this, even from yourself. And I'm going to make certain you get it!"  
  
Severus frowned, bewildered by this turn of events. What Lupin was saying implied that Lupin really did care about Severus' safety, but when the hell had that happened? Lupin had never seemed to care about what happened to Severus before, so what had changed? Was it because he was needed by the Order again? That had to be it. He couldn't imagine Lupin suddenly developing concern for any other reason.  
  
"Yes, I removed the wards," he said at last, trying to shift away from Lupin, but it hurt to move, and he gave up, resigned to remaining where he was for the time being. "It isn't any of your business, and I can damned well do this if I want to. I see no point in continuing this existence when there is no hope of my lot improving and when there is nothing I care about enough to live for. Things will not get better, Lupin. Not for me. I suggest you abandon your foolish Gryffindor crusade now, because it is doomed to fail."  
  
"There is hope, Severus... there is always hope; it's the one thing we humans have that truly sets us apart from the beasts," Remus replied, grieving for Severus, for the pain he must have experienced to have driven him to this. "Things will get better; but you have to help them along, you know. I've known despair too, Severus; I've known what it's like to want to die, to not be able to bear facing another day, another hour, another minute of existing in a world that had caused me so much pain. But I didn't do it. Do you want to know why?"  
  
Remus stroked a hand lightly over Severus' hair, but his eyes turned distant as he spoke again.  
  
"Do not go gentle into that good night,  
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.  
  
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,  
Because their words had forked no lightning they  
Do not go gentle into that good night.  
  
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright  
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.  
  
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,  
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,  
Do not go gentle into that good night.  
  
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight  
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.  
  
And you, my father, there on the sad height,  
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.  
Do not go gentle into that good night.  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."  
  
Pausing, Remus drew a breath. "By dying, you let them win, Severus. To end your life gives them a victory they cannot hope to achieve on their own."  
  
Severus flinched away from Lupin's touch even though moving even a little bit hurt in spite of the help from the pain potion; Lupin appeared to have healed the lacerations a little, but while they no longer bled, they were still raw, and the bruises were still sore. He wasn't surprised by Lupin's maudlin outburst \- typical Gryffindor rot, that - but he was surprised that Lupin was being so attentive. The Order must really need him, he thought with a cynical sneer. All the motivational speeches in the world couldn't change the truth, however, and if Lupin couldn't see it, Severus would spell it out.  
  
"I don't care about this ubiquitous 'they' you're referring to, Lupin," he said hoarsely. "And I don't care if they win. The Dark Lord has been defeated at last, and that is all I care about. My job is done. What hope is there for me? All I have left is this house, and when my money runs out, I won't even have that. No one trusts me, no one will hire me, I have nothing to do but face day after day of solitude within these walls, and if I step beyond them, I am in danger, if not from those three you saw tonight, then someone from the Order or the Death Eaters out for revenge for my crimes."  
  
He felt the crushing weight of despair as he spoke aloud everything that had been weighing on him since his release from St. Mungo's, and he let out a slow, quiet sigh and turned his face away. "I am not afraid to live. I simply have nothing to live for, and I see no point in continuing to waste away in this hole, as you put it. Better to end it now."  
  
"You're not alone, Severus," Remus said fiercely, determined to fight for Severus' life since it seemed Severus wouldn't. "I'm here. And I'm not leaving you, not for a moment, until you realize that you _do_ have something to live for. You can rant and rave and say that it's not my place, but I don't give a damn. I care about you, and there is no way that I am going to let those three, the Dark Lord, or anyone else drive you to your death. I _won't_ , do you hear me? There has been too much of death and dying, and I'm not going to let you add to it!"  
  
Remus' voice took on a growling undercurrent, the wolf within him rising up to underscore his determination. Gently but firmly, he embraced Severus, holding him close and trying to will him to want to live. He didn't stop to analyze why it was so important to him that Severus live; it just was, and that was good enough for now. He'd worry about everything else when Severus was no longer in danger.  
  
Severus winced at the embrace, partly due to the sharp pain being pressed against Lupin caused, and partly because he didn't want to be embraced, not by Lupin, not by anyone. Touch was not a commodity that Severus was familiar with; his family had been distant and unaffectionate, except his mother, but she had died when he was young, leaving him bereft of comfort. He didn't know how to respond to Lupin's embrace; it made him uncomfortable in more ways than one, and he wished Lupin would let him go - literally as well as figuratively.  
  
Clearly some madness had taken hold of Lupin for him to be behaving this way, because Severus knew damned well that Lupin had never cared for him. Even if it were true now, so what? Lupin would nursemaid him back to health, and then as soon as he was better, things would go back to the way they were before. He would prefer no respite at all to a temporary one. That would be far easier to bear.  
  
"You're here now. You'll be gone soon enough, and then what?" Severus shook his head and pushed weakly at Lupin. "My situation is different from yours, whether you see it or not. I have no hope. I have no chance for hope. Stop trying to be a damned optimistic do-gooder and deliver your messages of hope to someone who cares."  
  
Remus pulled back, realizing he had caused Severus pain and feeling a bit of regret for it. But not too much. Pain was a connection to living and Severus was going to continue living, whether he liked it or not.  
  
Yet Remus thought he caught something in Severus' words, the implication that Remus was just play acting, that he would save Severus and then abandon him to his loneliness and despair again. Remus understood how it felt to be without hope; he even understood what it was like to have it dangled before him, then snatched away again. He was silent for several long moments, probing his own motives, his own feelings in this. He felt guilt, responsibility, and sympathy, and yet... there was something else there, too. Severus had, for some unfathomable reason, become important to him, important in a way that was beyond the complex mixture of motivations he inspired in Remus. Severus was broken and defeated, and Remus felt that the only thing that he wanted in the whole world was to give Severus back the strength he had once possessed, to heal him and make him whole once more.  
  
Remus wouldn't name that reason, not even to himself, but that didn't change what he had to do. "I'm not going anywhere, Severus. I'm going to stay with you until you can tell me to leave and mean it because you want to live. However long it takes, I don't care. I give you my word. If you would allow someone else in the house to witness, I'll even take an Unbreakable Vow."  
  
"What is the point of that?" Severus shrank back, relieved that Lupin had finally let him go. They were pretty words, but they were empty. Severus knew that even if Lupin took a Vow to remain with him until he began to care about living again, once he reached that point, Lupin would go merrily on his way, leaving Severus in the same position he was in before. It didn't solve the matter of everyone else who hated him, his lack of a job, and those who wanted to kill him, either.  
  
But even if he doubted Lupin would be able to restore his will to live, he didn't doubt Lupin's tenacity. Lupin had proven himself to be as stubborn as Severus himself, and no matter how much Severus might protest, he knew he had a werewolf guardian now - and no way to hex the furry menace to hell and back because his wand was nowhere nearby. He also knew Lupin's efforts would be futile, thus it would come down to a battle of wills. Eventually, he would wear Lupin down, Lupin would give up, and Severus could face his would-be assassins again and finish what they had started that night.  
  
"Do what you will, Lupin," he said at last. "I don't want your damned Vow."  
  
"All right," Remus said, voice soft, meant to be soothing. He picked up the pain potion that Severus had refused. "First, you are going to take this; if you refuse, that's fine, but I warn you that I won't hesitate to take you to St. Mungo's again for treatment. Then I am going to carry you upstairs to your bed, since that will be more comfortable for you. I trust you have a healing salve among your stores? I will bring it up, and then I will tend to your wounds so that you can sleep and heal."  
  
Severus' hand shook from pain and exhaustion, but he took the vial from Lupin, pride urging him to down the potion on his own if he could rather than let Lupin pour it down his throat like he was a weak, helpless invalid. He didn't want to take it, but neither did he want to return to St. Mungo's; he hadn't been treated well there.  
  
He could see the Healers' thoughts in their eyes when they looked at him. Death Eater. Murderer. Traitor. They had been quick to pronounce him well and turn him over to the Ministry in spite of his physical weakness and periods of mental disorientation that continued for days after he regained lucidity. Even though that had been before his trial, he didn't doubt he would see the same disgust again, coupled with indifference to his welfare. So what if the traitor died? Would it be that great a loss to the world?  
  
He drank slowly, a peaceful lassitude stealing over him as the potion took effect. The throbbing ache of his wounds faded, and his head grew muzzy, the potion making it harder for him to focus or even think coherently. This particular potion had a sleeping draught mixed in, giving it a soporific effect; he would be able to escape into the oblivion of sleep, which he desperately wanted to do. He wished he could somehow turn into Rip Van Winkle or Sleeping Beauty and sleep the rest of his life away instead of waking up to face another day of the same.  
  
Remus watched as Severus' eyes grew heavy, and the lines of pain and worry faded from between his brows. That was good; Severus needed the rest, and Remus had to return to Grimmauld Place to retrieve some personal items. At least with Severus knocked out thanks to the potion, Remus wouldn't have to worry about him doing himself anymore harm while Remus was gone.  
  
That left the matter of Severus' safety from outside sources. Remus frowned and rose to his feet to retrieve his wand. Some quick magical detection charms informed him that Severus had removed all his wards, which reminded Remus yet again that Severus had done this on purpose, intending to end his own life. Well, that was over, as far as Remus was concerned.  
  
Severus had apparently slid into the oblivion of sleep, and Remus left him alone on the sofa and moved into the entry hall. It took several minutes, but he wove a tight series of wards around the dwelling, securing it from physical or magical entry. Satisfied, he returned to the sitting room and gently lifted Severus in his arms.  
  
It was heartbreaking how light and fragile the normally indomitable man seemed. It appeared Severus had been damaged physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was far too high a price to pay for the man who had sacrificed so much to bring about Voldemort's defeat. Certainly any crimes Severus had committed in his life, even during his time as an active Death Eater, had been more than repaid by his actions since. The time for suffering was over; it was time for healing to begin.  
  
The stairs were no problem, and Remus looked in the rooms at the top of the landing, identifying the one that Severus slept in. He crossed to the bed and lay Severus down on the rumpled sheets. A brief return to the storeroom yielded the salve Remus sought, and he returned quickly to Severus' side.  
  
A banishing charm removed Severus' clothing, and Remus sucked in a horrified breath at the damage Severus' attackers had inflicted upon his thin body. Remus felt his throat tighten in sympathy, knowing how badly those deep lacerations and bruises must have hurt when Severus looked to be little more than skin and bones to begin with. With gentle hands, he applied the salve and pulled the covers up over Severus' body, tucking him in with the care he would have given a child. Severus' current state tore at his heart, but it firmed his purpose. Severus needed him; Severus just didn't know it yet.  
  
His ministrations complete, Remus brushed a strand of hair back from Severus' pale face. It looked as though Severus would be out for some time. Finally satisfied that Severus was as safe as he could possibly be, Remus gave Severus a final, worried glance, and then he Disapparated back to Grimmauld Place.


	4. Chapter 4

Grimmauld Place was quiet and dark   
when Remus let himself into the house, and he moved as silently as he could   
up the creaky old stairs so as not to disturb Ron or Hermione if they were home.    
He wasn't sneaking around, not exactly, even if he didn't really want to run   
into the two young people and explain why he was about to raid the potions stock   
and carry a lot of it off.  It wasn't as if the medical stores were needed   
any more since the days of open battles and quick patch-ups seemed to be over.  
  
Or at least he hoped they were over.  
  
Much of the stock of remedies - pain potions, anti-venoms and the like - had   
been moved to a hall cupboard outside the second story hall bath, and Remus   
headed straight there, using his wand to illuminate the dim interior. He stared   
at the labels for a moment, debating how much and what to take, when the sound   
of a throat being cleared behind him caused him to jump slightly, and he whirled   
to find Hermione standing there, head cocked to one side and eyes alight with   
curiosity.  
  
"Hullo, Remus," she greeted him, looking at the potions he held in either hand.    
"Can I help you with something?  Are you not feeling well?"  
  
"Hermione...  no, no, I'm fine, thanks," he replied, offering her a rather   
sheepish smile, like a small boy caught raiding the cookie jar.   
  
"Are you sure?  Lingering effects of the transformation, perhaps?"    
She reached out, tapping the bottle in his right hand with a forefinger.    
"This one is pretty strong, and it can be addictive.  You might not want   
to use it for mild aches and pains."  Her hand moved to the anti-venom,   
and she raised a brow.  "Been bitten by a spider, too?  Don't use   
that particular one with the pain potion. It doesn't mix well."  
  
"No... I haven't been bitten."  Remus debated for a moment, but then he   
decided he really could use Hermione's help, if only so he didn't accidentally   
make Severus' condition even worse.  "I... it's not for me.  Someone   
I know was attacked and beaten by something with these long chains with poison   
on them.  I can smell the poison, and I gave him a bezoar, but..."  
  
"Chains?  Dear Merlin, the Death Eaters aren't back, are they?  Who   
was it?  Not an Order member!" Hermione looked utterly horrified, her brown   
eyes enormous in her pale face.  For the first time, Remus noticed how   
drawn she was, no doubt from her constant work trying to figure out what was   
wrong with Harry.  Remus had barely seen her because of his own project,   
and he realized now that for her, at least, the war had never really ended.  
  
"No, no, not Death Eaters. This was something else, something supernatural,"   
Remus replied quickly.  He hesitated only a moment before continuing. Hermione   
had a wealth of knowledge, and Remus needed information if she had it.    
"There were three figures dressed in black robes, yes, but they... well, they   
didn't smell right, or, um... well, they didn't have _blood_ , if you know   
what I mean.  They emitted the most horrible shrieks, and they were stronger   
than I am.  I only succeeded in driving them off. I may have hurt one,   
but that's all.  Their chains were like... belts, I suppose?  And   
they had poisoned barbs on them."  He raised a hand, one that had come   
into contact with the barbs, although his skin hadn't been broken.   
  
Hermione immediately pulled her wand, obviously intrigued by any mystery.    
She cast a quick spell, and then she bit her lip, obviously puzzled.  "That's   
scorpion venom.  Chains... with scorpions..."  Her eyes widened again.    
"Dear Lord, Remus, were you fighting the Furies?"  
  
"Furies?" Remus blinked.  "You mean like the Greek Furies?  The goddesses   
of vengeance?  How in the world..."  He broke off, knowing full well   
that with all the bizarre things going on, Greek goddesses showing up in the   
flesh wouldn't be all that unbelievable.  it would be reckless for him   
to discount any theory, no matter how ludicrous it would normally seem.    
"How would I be able to tell?"  
  
Hermione, to her credit, didn't bat an eye at the question.  "The Furies   
were supposedly sent after wrongdoers to punish them, particularly for the crime   
of murdering a parent.  Remember Orestes?  They pursued him for killing   
his mother and her lover. It didn't matter that his mother had murdered his   
father in her turn; all they cared about was that he had killed one of his parents.    
They are supposed to be horrible to look at, and they wear girdles fashioned   
out of a chain of scorpions."  
  
Remus murmured an epithet under his breath.  "As impossible as it might   
seem, I think that's exactly who it might have been," he said.  He didn't   
mention who the murderer or the "victim" probably were; perhaps killing a father   
figure was considered good enough for them.  _Why_ they had chosen   
to harass Severus out of all the people in the world was a mystery, but then   
so was everything else going on at present.  He looked at Hermione directly.    
"So, what potions do I need to treat a victim of the Furies?"  
  


* * *

  
It was late when Remus returned to Spinner's End, but he carefully scouted the  
perimeter of the house before lowering the wards he had placed and letting  
himself inside. He raised the wards once more, and then he stood and listened  
carefully, hearing silence only broken by the soft sigh of the wind outside and  
the steady ticking of a clock somewhere close by.  
  
He mounted the steps toward the bedroom where he had left Severus sleeping,  
peeking inside the room and seeing Severus lying still under the duvet, the  
light of the waxing moon, nearly full, bathing him in tones of ivory and onyx.  
Remus could hear the soft steadiness of Severus' breathing, and he sighed in  
relief, pleased that things seem to have remained safe in his absence. Moving  
into the room, he closed the door silently behind him, and then he walked toward  
the bed, staring down at Severus for several long moments.  
  
Safe. _For now_ , he thought, wondering why the thought of Severus not being  
safe caused him to feel a sick twisting in his gut. He shook his head, too tired  
to deal with analysis that could lead to nothing but more questions. Severus  
hated him, but Severus needed him, and for Remus, that was good enough for now.  
  
Reaching into his pocket, Remus withdrew the potions Hermione had given him  
earlier that night, placing them on the bedside table. There was also the St.  
John's Wort he had picked up, pills from a Muggle apothecary that had still been  
open despite the lateness of the hour. What Severus seemed to be suffering from  
seemed well beyond the powers of any herbal treatment, but at this point, Remus  
could use all the help he could get.  
  
The remedies were soon lined up on the table, and Remus drew his wand to enlarge  
the bottles. He gazed down at Severus again, reaching out with gentle fingers to  
smooth away a lock of black hair that had fallen over Severus' brow. The  
tenderness Remus felt was foreign, but somehow, it was right. Severus had done  
so much. He deserved someone to watch out for him. Especially since Severus  
wouldn't do it for himself.  
  
A cloud scudded across the moon, dimming the light, and Remus stepped back lest  
Severus wake. But there was no movement from the still form, and Remus turned,  
spotting a chair in the corner of the room. Part of him longed to shed his  
clothing and slip into the bed beside Severus, to pull Severus into his arms and  
find the peace of sleep, but Remus could well imagine that if he fell asleep  
that way, he would never wake up again; Severus would see to that by killing him  
outright. So he settled for the chair instead, sinking down into it with a weary  
sigh.  
  
There had been a book at the apothecary's, up near the register, and on a whim,  
Remus had bought it. It was a Muggle paperback focusing on the subject of  
stress, grief, and anxiety, probably just drivel but at least it would be a  
place for Remus to start. Hermione would no doubt owl him reams of parchment,  
but Remus needed something to occupy him for the vigil tonight, and he pulled it  
from his robes and patted his upper pocket until he located his reading glasses.  
A quiet "Lumos" caused the tip of his wand to glow, and Remus settled in to  
guard his sleeping charge, one ear cocked from trouble as his eyes scanned the  
pages which he hoped might give him some insight into Severus' condition, and  
what Remus could do to help.  
  
The long night settled in; at some point the moon set, and Remus' eyes slowly  
drifted closed.  
  


* * *

  
When Severus awoke, it was to pain, a dull, throbbing ache that flared to a  
sharp jab with every movement, no matter how small. His muscles were stiff and  
sore, and his entire body felt as if it were suffering from the aftermath of the  
Cruciatus. Disoriented, he struggled to remember what happened. Had the Dark  
Lord punished him...? No, those days were over.  
  
Grimacing, he pushed himself upright, pressing one hand against the side of his  
head as if he could ease its relentless ache that way. He looked around and  
found himself in his own bedroom, bright morning light streaming through the  
window - and Lupin asleep in the chair, a book in his lap and glasses perched on  
his nose.  
  
He remembered. They had come, and he had gone out to meet them, but Lupin ran  
them off. For some reason, Lupin thought Severus ought to live, ought not be  
punished for his crimes as was only right and just. Lupin, idiot Gryffindor that  
he was, had turned Severus into his personal crusade.  
  
He was on the verge of yelling at Lupin to get the hell out of his house before  
he remembered Lupin had said he would stay until Severus regained his will to  
live, a plan which seemed as stupid to Severus now as it had the night before.  
Lupin intended to revive Severus' will to live, and as soon as that was done, he  
would go about his way, satisfied with himself for having saved poor old Snape's  
miserable life. And for what? It wouldn't change anything; Severus would still  
be unemployed, still be shunned, still be guilty of murder, still have the  
weight of grief, remorse, and guilt on his shoulders. His life would still be  
everything that it had been for all these years, and Severus didn't want it  
anymore.  
  
Lupin didn't understand - couldn't possibly understand. If he did, he wouldn't  
be prating about Severus having something to live for, and if he thought his  
presence in Severus' life was enough incentive not to shuffle off the mortal  
coil, he was even more deluded than Severus imagined. It wouldn't last anyway;  
even if there was a snowball's chance in hell of Severus ever tolerating Lupin,  
much less growing to like him, Lupin would be gone as soon as his duty was done,  
returning to his friends where he belonged.  
  
His gaze fell on the array of bottles and jars on the bedside table, and he  
rolled his eyes when he spotted the St. John's Wort. As if a few doses of that  
would set him right, he thought with growing annoyance. He grabbed the covers,  
intending to fling them back and climb out of bed; he didn't want Lupin tending  
to him, hovering over him in a parody of sympathy, but the pain of the motion  
and his diminished strength thwarted him, and he fell back against the pillow,  
panting.  
 _  
The venom_ , he thought, his mind analyzing the situation even as he lay  
there, helpless and hating it. The venom had weakened him. As much as he wanted  
to refuse Lupin's help and manage alone - as he had always done - he wasn't  
capable of it at the moment. Instead, he rolled over and closed his eyes,  
deciding that escaping into sleep again was a better idea than facing the world.  
  
The sounds of Severus' movement woke Remus with a start, and he gazed over at  
Severus for a moment before rising to his feet and crossing to the bed. The  
approach of the full moon gave an edgy energy to his movements, a  
barely-repressed energy, but his smile was genuine, full of relief that Severus  
had regained consciousness.  
  
"So glad to see you moving, even though I imagine you hurt like hell," he said,  
sorting through the bottles on the bedside table. Selecting a pain potion - from  
the looks of the label, one of Severus' own, brewed well over a year ago and  
left at Grimmauld Place by Severus himself - he uncorked it and slid carefully  
onto the edge of the bed, placing a firm but gentle hand on Severus' shoulder.  
"Do you want me to help you with this? There's an anti-venom, too. Once you have  
those down, I will make you some tea and something to eat. You need your  
strength, Severus, especially since I have some news for you. Someone has  
figured out who attacked you."  
  
Severus growled, bristling at Lupin's unwanted solicitousness, and he burrowed  
deeper under the covers. "I don't want tea, I don't want anything to eat, and I  
don't want you hovering. I don't care who attacked me, either."  
  
He paused as the implications of what Lupin had said sank in, and he jerked  
upright, heedless of the pain, and fixed Lupin with a baleful glare. "Did you  
discuss this with someone else?" he demanded.  
  
The growl, at least, was better than Severus' blank hopelessness of the night  
before, and Remus' smile actually widened for a moment at the familiar snarky  
tone in Severus' voice. But the smile disappeared when Severus rapped out his  
question.  
  
"I asked some questions," he said, holding out the bottle again, determined to  
get the pain potion down Severus one way or another. "And I won't say another  
word until you drink this."  
  
Severus knocked Lupin's hand away, anger lending strength to the blow if only  
for a moment, and his lip curled in a soundless snarl. "How dare you! I'll wager  
you couldn't wait to get back to your friends and tell them all about me, could  
you. You had no right! My life is mine now. No one has any claim on me anymore,  
and I can do what I damned well please, no matter what you or anyone else  
thinks. You've invaded my house and my privacy, and now you've turned me into a  
public spectacle for the entire Order to laugh at. I won't stand for it any  
longer! Get out, or I'll have you arrested for trespassing!"  
  
"I'm not leaving," Remus replied firmly. His voice was quiet, but he was not  
going to let Severus sway him, despite the fact that Severus had a point. Remus  
was interfering, invading Severus' home and doing everything he could to keep  
Severus alive. But there was no help for it, and Remus wasn't going to be put  
off.  
  
"You are no laughingstock, nor would I allow anyone to make you into one," he  
continued, looking directly into Severus' eyes, hiding nothing. "Why would I  
save your life, then engage in such petty behavior? You have been a friend to  
the Order, you helped defeat Voldemort, and that is something that commands  
respect despite the fact that you don't seem to want it to. Yes, Albus used you,  
as he used all of us, but what could he do, given that there was a war to win?"  
  
Remus drew in a painful breath, aching for the hurt Severus was feeling, wishing  
desperately he could do something about it. But that was why he was here.  
Severus could rant and rage and hurl insults at Remus all day, just so long as  
he stayed alive. "You are your own worst judge, Severus. You believe that others  
condemn you, because you condemn yourself. It isn't true, you know. I support  
you. I know why you did what you did, and in your place, I would have done the  
same... if I had the courage, which I might not have, but you did. But it is  
time to move on now, only you are the one who isn't moving. I'm telling the  
truth, Severus. I care. I want you to live. If you have the guts, pick up your  
wand and use Legilimency on me to see the truth. Or I'll take Veritaserum if you  
prefer. But I'm not leaving, and there isn't anything short of killing me that  
you can do to make me."  
  
"I don't claim to know why you do - or don't do - anything," Severus spat,  
scooting to the other side of the bed to put more distance between himself and  
Lupin. "All I know is that I have no reason to trust you. You have never done  
anything to show you are trustworthy to anyone who isn't one of your precious  
friends. I believe others condemn me because I know they do. I have seen it.  
Reasons why don't matter, only what I did, and for that, they will not forgive  
or forget. As for your so-called caring and support, they mean nothing to me. I  
don't want either."  
  
He stared at Lupin, seeing the implacability in Lupin's eyes, and a fresh wave  
of hopelessness swept over him. Why could he never be free? Why was his life  
never his own? Why did he keep having his choices taken away from him? He had  
made one bad choice when he was young and foolish. Was he destined to be  
controlled by others until he was dead in forfeit?  
  
Despair shrouded his heart, and all the fight drained out of him. Fighting was  
useless anyway, he thought as he sank back against the pillow. He had fought and  
fought and fought his entire life, and it had gained him nothing. He had come to  
this in the end anyway in spite of his best efforts.  
  
"Do as you will. I don't care," he said, his voice dull and lifeless.  
  
Remus felt a pang as Severus moved away from him, his patience frayed by lack of  
sleep and the approach of the full moon. Severus' self-pity was beginning to  
grate on him, and even if Severus was correct about what had happened in the  
past, it was twenty years ago and Remus had apologized until he was sick of  
hearing himself do it. What use was it to do so again, with Severus in this  
state? But Remus would apologize, and he knew it. Because he was remorseful for  
the past, and maybe if he repeated himself often enough, Severus would someday  
believe it was true.  
  
Then Severus suddenly collapsed into apathy again, and Remus felt the wolf  
rising, wanting to shake Severus until he screamed - anything to make Severus  
interested in life, in going on instead of lying there as though he were already  
dead. An angry Severus was better than a Severus who wouldn't fight, despite the  
frustration of going over arguments that had no resolution.  
  
But Remus bit down on the rising emotion with the experience of long practice,  
his face becoming a mask of impassivity. "I'm sorry for what's happened, both in  
the past and what I am having to do to you now," he said, his voice full of  
weary resignation. "I don't apologize for keeping you alive, because someday I  
think you will be grateful for it. Not that I think you'll ever thank me, but...  
well, right is right."  
  
Remus held out the bottle. "Drink this, please. And the anti-venom. I'll go down  
and get you something to eat and drink."  
  
Severus knew he would never be grateful to Lupin for condemning him to remain in  
this hell, but he said nothing, knowing the futility of arguing and too  
soul-weary to care about exerting the effort. Instead, he sat up and took the  
bottle and drained its contents, and he took the vial of anti-venom as  
instructed as well.  
  
The pain potion worked quickly, easing the ache of the lacerations and bruises  
covering his body, and with a quiet sigh, he leaned back against the headboard  
and closed his eyes, resigned. There was no point in struggling against the  
inevitable. He had done that all his life, and he had failed over and over and  
over. It just wasn't worth trying any longer.  
  
When Severus had swallowed the potions, Remus nodded, satisfied but still  
uneasy. "Thank you, Severus," he said, collecting up the empty bottles. "I will  
make you something and be right back."  
  
It only took a few minutes to make tea and toast, and Remus sliced up an apple  
in addition, just in case Severus would eat at all. Then he went back upstairs  
with the bed tray, crossing the room and setting it across Severus' lap. He  
poured tea into Severus' cup, and then he stepped back, sinking down in the  
chair he had spent the night in. Severus hadn't said anything, didn't seem to  
care, but Severus needed to know what Hermione had discovered.  
  
"I described your attackers to Hermione Granger," he said, voice matter-of-fact.  
"She believes that you were a victim of the Furies."  
  
If Severus hadn't been mired in apathy, he might have erupted with fury over the  
knowledge that Lupin had discussed his situation with Granger, who would likely  
run straight to her friends with the tale. It was only a matter of time before  
the entire Order and all of Severus' former students who loathed him knew that  
he was in this state. He could easily imagine them gleefully sharing the details  
and agreeing it was no less than their evil, traitorous Potions Master deserved.  
As it was, he couldn't muster the energy to care. It wasn't as if he intended to  
see any of them ever again anyway.  
  
Ignoring the tray, he kept his eyes closed and tried to remember the legend of  
the Furies. They were avengers, if memory served. Fitting, then, that he was  
their target, but he didn't see why it was important who they were.  
  
"So? What does it matter?" He paused, a thought occurring to him. "Unless you  
want me to remain alive so they'll focus on me. If I die, they'll seek another  
victim, won't they. As long as I'm alive, they won't pursue anyone else, perhaps  
someone from the Order. Someone who matters. It all makes sense now."  
  
"No, Severus, that's not why I am doing this," Remus said, voice full of  
long-suffering patience. "And it matters because you thought that the Order was  
trying to kill you, and that's not the case. For what it's worth, Hermione won't  
say anything to anyone, I have her word. But your condition is out of my  
expertise to help. So unless you want me to commit you to St. Mungo's and let  
them try to pull you out of this depression, you're stuck with me and my best  
efforts. Poor and fumbling as those efforts are, they are well intentioned."  
  
Remus glanced pointedly at the tray. "I'm not going to save you from the Greek  
Goddesses of Vengeance to have you kill yourself by starvation," he continued,  
crossing his arms over his chest. "Please eat the food, Severus. Hermione also  
sent a vitamin concoction, so that you don't end up malnourished as well as  
depressed and grumpy."  
  
"Commit me to St. Mungo's, then," Severus replied quietly. "I never asked for  
your help."  
  
At least if Lupin committed him, the Healers would shuffle him off to the mental  
ward and leave him alone. They wouldn't care about helping him now any more than  
they had the first time he was there, and if he died, or the Furies - if they  
were indeed his pursuers - came for him, no one would fight for his life.  
  
"No, you never asked for it," Remus admitted, picking up his book. "But you have  
it nonetheless. Now eat, please. I'm going to read you some of this about  
post-traumatic stress syndrome. I think you'll find it rather enlightening, if  
you will open that brilliant mind of yours and let it start working again."  
  
Resigned, Severus picked up a piece of toast and nibbled as much as he could  
stomach before the nausea set in, going through the motions without tasting  
anything or caring what it was. In spite of the threats, Lupin apparently wasn't  
going to commit him to St. Mungo's after all, thus he was stuck here with Lupin  
unless he committed himself.  
  
That was an option, but not at the moment; he was as weak as a kitten, and he  
would never manage to Apparate in this condition. Perhaps when he was stronger.  
Lupin had to leave the house sometime, after all.  
  


* * *

  
The chicken and rice dish Remus had prepared for dinner as nearly done, and  
Remus hummed quietly as he moved around Severus' kitchen, placing silverware on  
the table and slicing bread to accompany the simple meal. Remus was a  
respectable cook, at least when it came to plain, wholesome food. Years of being  
on his own had made it imperative that he be able to feed himself, especially  
when concocting things that tasted decent from minimal ingredients. He had often  
been hungry, but he had never starved, and hopefully his efforts would be enough  
to keep Severus from doing so as well.  
  
Not that Severus seemed to appreciate what he was doing; on the contrary, Remus  
knew that Severus wished Remus were gone from his home and his life.  
Unfortunately for Severus, that wasn't an option in Remus' opinion, not while  
the Furies pursued Severus and Severus still wanted to die.  
  
The previous night had been uneventful, but Remus had slept fitfully, one ear  
cocked for trouble. He had also placed up a few wards that Severus knew nothing  
about to warn him if Severus tried to slip out in the middle of the night and  
court trouble as he had before. Nothing had happened, but Remus was still  
worried. Tonight was the full moon, and Remus wouldn't be able to stay; he  
needed to get Severus' agreement that Severus wouldn't do anything rash while  
Remus couldn't protect him.  
  
It was early for dinner, but Remus had to make certain to be done well before  
sunset. He wasn't even certain if Severus realized what day it was, but Remus  
couldn't avoid the subject any longer. The fact was that in a few short hours,  
Remus would change, and never in his life had he been more reluctant to do so.  
Part of him was terribly afraid that he would return to human form only to find  
out Severus was dead.  
  
He dished up the food, and then he sighed and moved to the door to the sitting  
room. "Severus? Dinner is ready," he said. "If you're ready, we should probably  
go ahead and eat."  
  
Severus sat in his usual chair by the hearth with an article about another odd  
sighting in his lap; his gaze was trained upon the words, but he wasn't seeing  
them. He was just sitting as he had done for hours on end for the past couple of  
days. He had tried to muster the energy to look over the articles and reports,  
but he couldn't. In the past, he had always been able to immerse himself in his  
studies and projects with single-minded intensity that blocked out the rest of  
the world, but that ability was lost to him now.  
  
Mired in apathy, he found himself exhausted and unable to focus; he didn't care  
about wayward basilisks or odd goings-on at Hogwarts or anything else that was  
happening. He just wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep.  
  
At Lupin's summons, he looked up, his eyes dull, and his expression lifeless; he  
wasn't hungry, but he knew the futility of arguing, and he didn't have the  
energy to bother trying. It was easier to go along with whatever Lupin wanted  
and get it over with so he could return to his chair and sit until he could go  
upstairs to bed.  
  
Putting the unread article aside, he rose to his feet and followed Lupin into  
the kitchen, taking his place at the table. The scent of chicken wafted up from  
the plate, making him vaguely ill, but he had to swallow a few bites at least.  
With a quiet sigh, he picked up his fork and began picking at the rice.  
  
Remus watched closely as Severus stood up and moved silently to the table, his  
heart aching as it did almost every time he looked at Severus. This apathy and  
depression were so unlike the Severus Remus had known for almost thirty years,  
and it tore at him. Severus had been so strong, stronger than any of them, and  
to see him reduced to this shell of himself was enough to make Remus want to  
weep.  
  
Severus wouldn't take kindly to that, however; if Remus thought it would have  
done any good, he probably would have cried for Severus. Instead he contented  
himself with giving Severus a small smile, sliding into the seat opposite  
Severus and picking up his own fork. He ate in silence for a few minutes, before  
looking back at Severus and repressing a sigh at the way Severus was picking at  
his food. At this rate, Remus might end up having to take Severus to St. Mungo's  
just to keep him from dying of malnutrition.  
  
He was still reluctant to bring up the subject of the date, but his only other  
option was to attempt to slip Severus a sleeping draught before he departed for  
the night, and he was even more loath to do that. So he gathered his courage.  
"Severus, there's something we need to discuss rather urgently," he said,  
putting down his fork and placing his hands in his lap, where they twisted  
together. "I don't know if you are watching the calendar, but tonight is the  
full moon."  
  
Days had become a blur for Severus since his trial. They passed one into another  
in an endless parade, and Severus hadn't bothered keeping track. He wouldn't  
even have known what month it was, let alone what day, if Lupin hadn't given him  
current newspapers to look at.  
  
"I didn't know," he said. A chill went down his spine at the thought of Lupin  
transforming in his house, of being trapped with a feral werewolf all night.  
Memories of the Shrieking Shack - of Lupin snarling and lunging at him with  
slavering mouth agape and sharp teeth gleaming in the dim light - rose up, and  
he shuddered. "You can't stay here."  
  
Remus hadn't expected any other response, but he still felt a little stab of  
pain as Severus banished him, and he closed his eyes for a brief moment so that  
Severus couldn't see the hurt showing in them. Remus was doing his best for  
Severus, and he would continue to do so, even though it would never mean  
anything to Severus at all.  
  
Opening his eyes again, Remus nodded. "Of course," he said, his voice low and  
even. "I realize that, which is why I'm bringing it up. Basically, I need your  
reassurance before I go that you aren't going to go out to the Furies, or hurt  
yourself, or anything like that. I'll take your word, if you will give it to me,  
that you won't do anything. Otherwise I can ask someone to come watch the house,  
if you'd prefer that."  
  
"I'm not going to hurt myself," Severus said wearily, leaning his head in his  
hand and closing his eyes. He didn't want to discuss this, but he knew better  
than to think Lupin would leave it alone. "When I die, it will be at the hands  
of the Furies and no other."  
  
He could lie, of course. Give his word that he wouldn't go out to them and then  
fling open the door as soon as Lupin was gone. What could Lupin do if he came  
back tomorrow morning and found Severus dead? Nothing. It would be too late. At  
this point, Severus cared nothing about his own honor; he had committed murder,  
and in comparison to that, telling a lie seemed like nothing at all.  
  
But he suspected that if Lupin thought he would break his word, Lupin wouldn't  
hesitate to send someone to watch the house. To watch him. To protect him, as if  
he needed or wanted protection. To pity him, perhaps to mock him.  
  
Pushing his plate aside, he propped his folded arms on the table and rested his  
head in the cradle of his arms, overcome with resignation and despair. When was  
Lupin going to leave him alone? Why couldn't he be free at last? After so many  
years of being shackled against his will, hadn't he earned it? _Apparently  
not_, he thought, feeling the mire of apathy pull him down again.  
  
"I give you my word," he said dully, his voice muffled. "Just go away and leave  
me in peace for one night."  
  
"Thank you, Severus," Remus said, keeping his voice low and soothing. He knew  
Severus hated him being there, but he couldn't, just _couldn't_ give up on  
Severus or let Severus give up on himself. Sighing, he pushed his own plate  
aside, and then he began to speak again, looking down at his clasped hands.  
  
"I know you don't want to go on, Severus. And I know why, too. I've been where  
you are now, and I know how it feels. I know the despair, the hopelessness, the  
feeling of not wanting to go on. I know what it's like to feel as though you've  
lost everything in the world worth living for. There were times that I wondered  
how I could face another day, much less another full moon. That's why I want to  
help you, Severus. That's why I have to be here for you, even though I know you  
want nothing more than for me to go away."  
  
Shrugging, Remus looked up at Severus briefly, and he turned his head, looking  
out the window at the fading light of the summer afternoon. "I've wanted to die  
more times than I like to admit to. I've wanted to give in and make the pain go  
away forever, because I felt like no one gave a damn about me and that nothing I  
did would ever make a difference. I understand you better than you think,  
Severus, which is why I'm here. I have to hold on to you, since you can't do it  
for yourself. It will get better. I believe that _for_ you, since you can't  
believe it for yourself yet."  
  
"You and I are different people in different circumstances," Severus said in the  
same flat, lifeless voice without looking up. "Things are not going to get  
better, and I don't want your help. You don't have the right to force this on  
me, Lupin. Not that I expect you to respect me or my wishes. You and your  
friends have always thought it was your God-given right as Gryffindors to do  
whatever you damned well pleased."  
  
Remus knew there was nothing he could say that would alter Severus' opinion. It  
was just going to take time for Severus to find something - anything - that  
would bring back Severus' will to live. "You're right, Severus," he replied  
instead. "Maybe some day you'll even thank me for it... but obviously not  
today."  
  
With a lopsided smile, Remus rose from his seat, drawing his wand and levitating  
the plates to the sink. He followed, silently pulling a dish from the cabinet  
and scraping the uneaten food into it, before covering it and storing it in the  
ice box. Normally Remus washed the dishes by hand, but he didn't have the time  
or the inclination tonight. The wolf was rising; Remus could feel it, and he  
needed to be gone before Severus saw it and hexed him.  
  
"There, everything is clean," he said, turning to look at Severus again. He  
hesitated, wanting so much to reach out and touch Severus, but knowing it  
wouldn't help and might even hurt. So he sighed, moving toward the door and  
glancing back at Severus over his shoulder. "I'll be back as soon as I change in  
the morning."  
  
Severus said nothing and didn't bother to look up. He wished Lupin wouldn't  
return in the morning, but he knew that was a futile wish. Lupin was determined  
to save him, his own desires be damned, and he had no choice in the matter. He  
would have one night of freedom. It would have to suffice.  
  
Severus didn't know how long he sat at the kitchen table, his head buried in his  
arms. Getting up and moving back to the parlor felt like too great an effort,  
and so he remained where he was, exhausted in both body and soul. When he looked  
up at last, he saw it was dark outside. Wherever Lupin was, he had transformed  
by now, which meant Severus was free of him until sunrise.  
  
Free. It was a word that held no meaning for Severus, not anymore, and he had  
given up all hope of gaining any kind of freedom in this mortal existence.  
  
Forcing his sluggish body to move, he rose from his chair and left the kitchen,  
deciding he may as well go upstairs to bed where he could escape into the  
oblivion of sleep until morning. When he reached the entrance hall, however, he  
stopped and stared at the front door.  
  
He had given his word, yes, but he didn't care about honoring his word to Lupin  
in this matter; it wasn't as if anyone would be surprised if Snape the betrayer  
broke his word. He had been subject to other men's bidding for too long, and  
this was one thing _he_ could control. He could open the door and walk out,  
and this time, Lupin couldn't possibly be loitering about in order to rush in  
and save him. No one would stand between him and the fate he deserved. In the  
morning, Lupin would return too late, and he could forget about his crusade to  
save Severus and move on to some other charity case to assuage his Gryffindor  
do-gooder urges.  
  
Determination compelling him, he strode to the door and flung it open, stepping  
out into the night and scanning the street for any sign of the Furies, if that  
was indeed who they were. Disappointed, he moved past the limit of the  
protective wards, hoping that would entice the Furies to come, but the  
neighborhood was quiet and still, no sign of life anywhere. Severus was patient,  
however, and he sat down on the front walk to wait.  
  
The moon moved in its steady course overhead, and the chill of the night air  
seeped into Severus' bones, making his joints stiff. He was cold, shivers  
wracking his thin body, but he didn't care. This was part of the price, and he  
would pay it. But as the night wore on, his eyes closed, and his head drooped,  
fatigue overcoming his resolve, and soon he was fast asleep.  
  
It could have been minutes or hours later when he felt the nudge against his  
hand, and he jerked awake, wide-eyed, expecting to see three tall figures -  
women, if they were indeed the Furies - looming over him, whips poised to  
strike...  
  
But there was nothing, only silence broken by the call of a night bird and the  
stillness of a deserted neighborhood.  
  
Another nudge, and Severus looked down this time, shocked to see crimson plumage  
burning in the darkness and bright, beady eyes staring up at him. He shook his  
head, unable to believe what he was seeing. It couldn't possibly be...  
  
"Fawkes?" he croaked, and the phoenix trilled in response as if pleased to be  
recognized. "What are you doing here? You left because he died. Because I killed  
him."  
  
Just saying the words made grief and guilt rise up, smothering him like a  
Lethifold, and with a choked cry, he forced his frozen limbs to move, scuttling  
backwards to get away from the bird. Fawkes cocked his head and made a little  
sound of seeming bewilderment before following, his golden talons clicking  
quietly on the walk.  
  
"No!" Severus threw up one hand as if to ward off a blow. "Go away! You don't  
belong here, and if it's revenge you seek, others are managing that quite well,"  
he said with a bitter, mirthless laugh. "They'll be here soon, I'm sure. You can  
watch if you like."  
  
The phoenix took a step or two closer and then stopped, watching him and  
emitting little chirps that sounded puzzled and almost mournful, but Severus  
backed away even further, distrusting Fawkes' intentions. Why else would Albus'  
pet seek him out if not for revenge?  
  
"I know what I deserve," he said in a low, tight voice. "I stood there, and I  
mustered the power to do it. It was easy... too easy... because I hated him so  
much for what he was making me do. Only I had a choice, didn't I? I could have  
broken the Vow I took with Narcissa and died myself rather than kill him."  
  
He scrubbed his eyes with the heel of his palms, shivering from the cold within  
him as much from the coldness of the night. "I should have. He kept telling me  
this was how it was supposed to happen. It was for the best. Best for who?" he  
snarled, fury rising up white-hot, breaking through the barriers that apathy had  
woven around his heart.  
  
"Potter, of course! He didn't care what happened to me after as long as I did my  
job and helped Potter save the damned world. He needed me to do it because no  
one else would. No one else _could_. You are strong, Severus, he said. You  
always do what must be done, no matter how difficult, he said."  
  
He stared at Fawkes, eyes glazed over as his sight turned inward, and he was  
scarcely aware of his surroundings any longer. "Even strong men have their  
limits, Albus," he said softly, kneeling on the ice-cold pavement, his hands  
lying limp in his lap. "After twenty years of hard use - twenty years of doing  
what must be done - even a strong tool may break. You were so damned focused on  
the big picture that you never stopped to think about me and what would happen  
when it was all over. Perhaps you assumed I wouldn't survive the war, but I did,  
and now my life is... nothing. _I_ am nothing."  
  
Bowed under the weight of grief, he wrapped his arms around himself and bent  
over, rocking back and forth. "Did you even care?" he murmured. "Or was I always  
nothing more than an expendable tool to you?" He clenched his fists and squeezed  
his eyes shut, remorse overtaken by anger. "I didn't want to kill you. I didn't  
want blood on my hands, especially not yours. I did what you wanted! I did what  
you told me was right, and look at what it cost - everything!"  
  
He jerked upright, lifting his fists as he roared out his pain to the heavens.  
"I had so little, and you took all of it away! I lost everything - especially  
you! Do you know what it cost me to kill you, old man? You have no idea what it  
took for me to speak those words - no idea how much strength it took. How little  
it left me with after. Damn you, Albus! I hate you for what you did! I hate you  
for what you made me do! I hate you I hate you I hate you..."  
  
Utterly drained, he collapsed, too spent to hold himself upright any longer, and  
he lay stretched out on his side on the cold pavement, shuddering, his breath  
hitching in the aftermath of his outburst. Crooning softly, Fawkes approached  
and settled down on the pavement next to Severus, nestling against his chest,  
and Severus felt the warmth of Fawkes' feathers seeping through his clothes,  
warming him more than merely skin-deep.  
  
After a moment, Fawkes stretched out his neck and began to sing, the haunting  
warble sending a shiver along Severus' entire body. The song seemed to be filled  
with loneliness and grief, and Severus closed his eyes, knowing that the phoenix  
was mourning with him.  
  
"I'm sorry." Opening his eyes, he gazed at Fawkes, forcing the words past the  
constriction of his throat. "I'm sorry for taking him away from you. I didn't  
want to lose him either."  
  
Fawkes gave a sad little chirp and pressed against Severus as he began to sing  
again, and this time, there was a note of hope entwined with the sadness, and  
Severus shuddered at hearing what he had for so long been without. But as he lay  
quiet and still, listening to the song, he felt the despair that had shrouded  
him begin to ebb, replaced by something he never expected to feel: absolution.  
  
Fawkes seemed to forgive him, and perhaps in time, he could forgive himself -  
and Albus. It didn't matter if Albus had ever cared or not; together, they had  
both made sacrifices - terrible, costly sacrifices - but it had not been in  
vain. They had succeeded, the Dark Lord had been defeated, and that was all that  
mattered in the end.  
  
Hesitantly, Severus lifted his hand and stroked Fawkes' head with his forefinger  
as he had often seen Albus do, and Fawkes gave a contented little trill and  
leaned into the touch. Suddenly aware of the cold - and of the danger he was in  
if the Furies showed up - Severus rose to his feet slowly and stiffly, grimacing  
as his aching limbs protested.  
  
"Come inside," he said, gesturing for Fawkes. "I imagine you've had a long  
flight and could use something to eat."  
  
With a flutter of scarlet wings, Fawkes took flight and came to rest on Severus'  
shoulder, his claws digging in through the fabric of Severus' robes until he  
could feel the prickle of them on his skin. Severus closed and locked the front  
door, and as an afterthought, he drew his wand and added a few more protections  
to the house, ones he had created before and then dispelled when he went out to  
the Furies.  
  
He was no more hopeful that his lot in life would improve than he had been  
before; nothing had changed, and he wasn't foolish enough to believe that  
somehow, miraculously, he would find a job and be welcomed back into the  
Wizarding world with open arms, no one ever looking at him with distrust and  
loathing, the word "traitor" or "murderer" in their eyes.  
  
If death came for him, he wouldn't refuse it, but he wouldn't actively court it  
anymore either. There was something odd going on in the world, and he was needed  
to help figure out what it was. Albus would want him to, and that, as the old  
wizard had been fond of saying, was enough to be going on with.  


* * *

  
The sun was not long up when Remus Apparated back to Spinner's End, tired, pale, and weak, but anxious to check on Severus. Even though Severus had given his word, Remus was still worried, and his first thought upon regaining his human form was to check and make certain that Severus was all right.  
  
It had taken practically all of his strength, but Remus had managed it, collecting his clothing and his wand after his painful transformation back to his normal body, and had gone before he collapsed in exhaustion. He had tried to Apparate directly into Severus' house, but he had appeared just outside instead. Remus felt a frisson of alarm before he realized that Severus must have put additional wards on the place to keep Remus from entering. It remained to be seen whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, and Remus wasted no time mounting the steps to the door. He hammered upon it, and then he leaned against the wall, barely having the strength to hold himself upright but grimly determined to get to Severus. If Severus wouldn't - or couldn't - let Remus in, Remus would break down the door if he had to. It might take a while, but he would do it.  
  
"Severus!" he called out, rapping his fist on the door with all the strength he could summon. "Severus, are you in there? Are you all right?"  
  
Severus was in the kitchen finishing off his eggs when the hammering began; he had woken up feeling hungry for the first time in weeks, and he had fixed himself a couple of eggs and some toast and jam after preparing a meal of alfalfa sprouts sprinkled with ginger and cinnamon for Fawkes, who perched on the back of chair next to Severus' while he ate. It wasn't the best food for a phoenix, but it would do until Severus placed an order with the grocer for more suitable fare and stocked up on warm spices.  
  
He rose to his feet and touched Fawkes' back lightly; he wasn't one for physical affection as a general rule, but it was a comfort to caress Fawkes, and the phoenix didn't seem to object. "That will be Lupin," he said, and Fawkes gave an inquisitive chirp. "Come along if you like." Severus held out his hand, and Fawkes hopped on his wrist and scuttled up the length of his arm to his shoulder.  
  
Striding to the entrance hall, he went to the door and flung it open, peering at Lupin, who was leaning against the door frame as if he could barely hold himself up. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked pale - the aftereffects of his rough night, Severus supposed.  
  
Severus thought he looked the better of them for once; he had bathed and dressed, taking pains with his robes for once, and he had tried to fix the uneven cut of his hair. The bruises and lacerations covering him were healing nicely, but he applied a fresh coating of salve before he dressed to speed things along, and he didn't think he would be left with too many visible scars. Not that it mattered. It wasn't as if a few scars would detract from his looks, such as they were.  
  
"You look like hell," he stated bluntly.  
  
Remus' eyes flew open wide as Severus opened the door, and the sight that greeted him was almost too much for him to take in at once. His gaze went first to Severus' face, noting that Severus actually looked better. There was life in the dark eyes again, and Remus swallowed hard against the lump that rose in his throat. He was so happy to see something besides emptiness there, and if he had the strength, he might have enfolded Severus in his arms in a relieved embrace.  
  
As it was, it was probably better for his health that he couldn't, and instead he let his gaze travel to the phoenix which was perched, apparently in complete comfort, on Severus' shoulder. "Fawkes?" he gasped, eyes widening in stunned surprise as he took in the sight of Albus' familiar, who looked back at him, blinking his eyes and trilling a welcome.  
  
It was a great deal for Remus to take in in the aftermath of the full moon, and he remained leaning against the wall, staring dumbly at the pair in the doorway, trying to figure out how and why Fawkes had ended up with Severus. But it was too much, and he shook his head, trying to clear his slow thought processes. Even as he did, Severus' words finally registered, and one corner of Remus' mouth tilted up in a slight smile.  
  
"I suppose I do. You don't, however... and that's a very good thing. Care to invite me in? I'd love to hear what happened last night to cause..." he waved a hand, indicating both Severus and Fawkes "... this."  
  
With an annoyed grimace, Severus stepped aside to let Lupin enter, closing and locking the door once Lupin was inside. He led the way to the kitchen, and Fawkes flitted back to his perch on the chair while Severus fetched a cup and saucer, pouring a cup of tea and setting it at the table for Lupin, manners ingrained from childhood kicking in now that he was no longer mired in apathy.  
  
While Lupin settled at the table, Severus picked up his plate and rinsed it off in the sink before taking his place again, drawing his wand and tapping his cup to reheat his tea. "There isn't much to tell," he said with a shrug. "Fawkes showed up last night. His presence helped."  
  
He damned well wasn't about to admit to Lupin that he'd had a breakdown; his feelings were none of Lupin's business, and he had no intention of going into detail about the festering grief, guilt, and pain that Fawkes had helped him to purge at last.  
  
Remus followed slowly, watching Severus closely but not saying anything. He sank down at the table, surprised that Severus poured tea for him, and even more surprised to see that Severus had apparently eaten something of his own volition. Remus had tried to feed Severus repeatedly over the last few days only to have his efforts picked at and wasted. Fawkes' presence must have made a huge difference to Severus for this seemingly miraculous change to have occurred quite literally overnight.  
  
And even though Remus was glad to see it for Severus' sake, he couldn't help but feel just a tiny bit let down that his own efforts had meant absolutely nothing. He forced down the feeling, however, because it was unworthy. All that mattered was that Severus seemed to be better.  
  
Remus took a sip of his tea to cover the flash of pain, and then he looked at Severus and nodded. "Well, I'm very glad he showed up, then. You needed help, and I'm happy he was able to provide it." He let his gaze drift back to the phoenix and nodded. "Thank you, Fawkes. I tried to tell him to have hope, but he didn't believe me. I'm glad you seem to have convinced him otherwise."  
  
Fawkes flitted over to perch on the back of Remus' chair and bent his shining head to croon softly in Remus' ear, as if he could tell Remus was tired and in pain - in more ways than one.  
  
Severus shook his head, his expression scornful. "I have no more hope for my situation changing than I did yesterday," he retorted. "I simply no longer have a death wish. Which means there is no further need for you to remain here," he said pointedly. "I will not be going out to meet the Furies or actively courting death in any other fashion."  
  
The sound of Fawkes crooning to him was soothing, and Remus sighed, giving the beautiful bird a look of gratitude. It was ridiculous for him to be jealous of Fawkes, and Remus reached out to strokes Fawkes' head in apology.  
  
Severus' words brought him up short, however, and Remus froze, looking at Severus with wide eyes. Severus hadn't wanted him here from the beginning, but now it seemed that Remus had no excuse at all to stay. He wasn't needed to keep Severus alive, not now that Fawkes was here.  
  
And Remus found that he desperately didn't want to go.  
  
Perhaps it was the lingering effects of the moon making his thoughts sluggish, but Remus couldn't think of any comeback to Severus' statement. He bit down on his tongue to prevent himself from blurting out a rather pathetic "but I don't want to go," and he dropped his gaze to his cup lest Severus read the thought in them.  
  
"I... of course," he said awkwardly, feeling his face heating with embarrassment as he once again felt a surge of jealousy toward the phoenix. Suddenly he had the need to escape before Severus read what was in his mind and see what Remus had begun to realize.  
  
Stumbling awkwardly to his feet, Remus leaned against the table. "Sorry to have... imposed," he murmured, not meeting Severus' eyes. "I... I'm very glad you want to live, Severus. That's what I wanted for you, and I... I..." Remus paused, and shrugged. "Well. You don't need me, obviously. Maybe you never did."  
  
Severus watched Lupin bumbling around and frowned, perplexed by his behavior. Lupin had barged into his house, unasked and unwanted, and now that he was no longer harboring a death wish, Lupin seemed surprised that Severus was telling him to go.  
  
"If you expect me to thank you for forcing yourself on me, you have a long wait," he said crossly, folding his arms. "I didn't ask for your help, and I didn't want it. Yes, I'm alive, and I have no intention of ending my life, but no, I am not grateful for it. You haven't done me any favors, Lupin, only condemned me to a longer stint in hell."  
  
It was no more than Remus expected, but it still hurt to hear Severus say the words, hurt with a pain deeper and sharper than that of the transformation he had just undergone. Maybe that was what was making him feel so vulnerable, so tied up in knots over Severus' offhand, angry dismissal of Remus' efforts. "Of course," he said, sighing and turning toward the door. "I'll just get out of your life, then, Severus. And wish you well. If for any reason you do want to contact me, I'll be at Grimmauld Place."  
  
At the door to the sitting room, however, Remus paused, looking back at Severus for a brief moment, and he heard himself speak before he could stop the words. "I didn't do it expecting you to thank me, Severus. I did it because I care. Although you never believed me on that, it's the absolute truth."  
  
His gaze went to Fawkes, and Remus nodded a goodbye to the phoenix, his eyes full of pain, before drawing his wand and Apparating away in a crack of displaced air.  



	5. Chapter 5

Minerva met Remus at Hogwart's front gate, her expression so hopeful that Remus hated to tell her he didn't have more news.  
  
"Anything?  Anything at all?" she asked, taking his arm and leading him toward the side of the castle.  
  
"I'm afraid not," Remus replied, and sure enough, the light of eagerness in her eyes died.   
  
Minerva gave a sigh.  "We're having to fight it back every day now," she said, and Remus saw her shoulders slump.  "Thank Merlin for Pomona. I don't know what we'd do without her.  And Hagrid, of course.  Those two have been doing everything they can to keep the foliage back, but I fear it's a losing battle.  And the acromantulas..."  She shook her head.  "I never knew how trying a siege really is.  We've got to find out what's causing this!"  
  
"I know," Remus gave her arm a squeeze, and he tried for a valiant, reassuring smile, although from the expression on her face he probably fell a bit short.  "I'm trying, I really am.  I'm spending every free moment on this.  Unfortunately, I had to get a job, but since it's with the Quibbler, it's actually helpful."  
  
"A job?"  Minerva raised a brow at him.  "Mr. Lovegood hired you?"  
  
"Luna, actually," Remus replied, flushing a bit.  "She probably felt sorry for me, but it's a job, and I can't be choosy."  
  
Minerva looked chagrined, and then she flushed.  "I'm sorry.  I should have thought that now the war is over, you have to support yourself."  She looked up at him, eyes searching his face.  "Remus, if you need to, you can move back here, at least for the summer.  Once the children arrive, I don't know if..."  
  
"No, no, it's all right."  He shook his head.  "Look, I understand, I really do.  The war did nothing to improve the image of werewolves, even if the Ministry agrees - quietly! - that I was helpful in keeping the damage to a minimum.  You're trying to rebuild a school, and having a werewolf here is more controversial now than ever.  And I _can_ support myself, unlike Severus...."  
  
"Snape?" Minerva frowned.  "What do you know about him?"  Her mouth was set in a hard line, and Remus wanted to smack himself in the head for having mentioned it.   
  
"I've seen him.  You know, just checking up on things.  He was exonerated, you know.  He can't help it if Albus forced him to-"  
  
Minerva pulled back, removing her arm from Remus' and stopping in her tracks.  "Just because the Ministry said he wasn't guilty doesn't mean that he is forgiven."  Her eyes flashed, although Remus was certain he saw genuine pain beneath the anger.  "I'm sure he could have avoided... what happened.  There had to be another way, other than killing Albus!  Severus always resented him, and I just can't believe there wasn't _something_ he could have done!"  
  
"There wasn't, believe me," Remus said, holding up his hands to stave off her anger.  "Minerva, Albus made him do it.  You know that!  It's not like Severus enjoyed it.  Merlin, you should see how he's suffering..."  
  
"Good.  He should suffer," she spat, then Remus saw her take herself in hand, squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin proudly.  "I don't want to talk about this.  Albus, he - he was everything to me.  Losing him was like having my heart ripped out, and I can never forgive Snape for killing him."  
  
"But he's helping, don't you see?"  Remus wasn't ready to give up the fight quite yet, frustrated and upset as he was that Minerva, whom he had always seen as level-headed, was being so stubborn in the face of the facts.  "He's doing some of the research, too, to try to figure out what's going on..."  
  
"You brought him in on this?" Minerva's eyes narrowed and her lips drew down in a frown.  Suddenly she was the leader of the Order again.  "Remus Lupin, you had no right to involve that man in this!  I asked you-"  
  
"And I asked him," Remus said, his tone as firm as hers; he was not going to back down on this, not even for Minerva, who was the closet thing to a mother he'd had in years.  "Minerva, you wouldn't be saying this if you could see him.  He's suffering, and he deserves forgiveness, especially since this was not his fault.  Even Fawkes knows that!  Severus was attacked, and Fawkes came to him-"  
  
"FAWKES?"  Minerva looked as though he had slapped her.  "Albus' familiar... came to Severus Snape?"  
  
"Yes, he did.  If Fawkes knows and forgives, why can't you?"  Remus lowered his voice.  "Minerva, please..."  
  
The elderly witch's shoulders slumped.  "I can't.  I just can't," she said, shaking her head, and she turned away from him.  She looked back over her shoulder.  "Go, Remus, take a look at the Forest.  I have... things to do."  
  
It was a dismissal, and Remus ran a hand through his hair, frustrated with the entire situation.  Arguing with Minerva was almost as frustrating as arguing with Severus, and neither of them would see logic!  Oddly enough, however, the wolf didn't seem interested in this particular verbal battle, but perhaps that was for the best.  
  
"All right, I will - I'll let you know if I find out anything, too," he said. She nodded and walked away, heading back toward the front gate while Remus watched, feeling a bit hurt that she would treat him this way.  He was just trying to help, and now...  
  
Remus drew in a deep breath.  No, Minerva was angry with him, but she seemed to genuinely loathe Severus, and that was the worst thing of all.  As much as Remus wanted friends in his life, Severus needed people who cared about him.  That was the real shame, that the man had sacrificed his entire future to help win the war, and this was how even people who should have known better treated him.  
  
Letting out a sigh, Remus turned toward the Forest.  Even if Severus didn't want it, he had one ally, and Remus wasn't about to abandon him, even in the face of Minerva's disapproval.  Perhaps a penniless werewolf wasn't much of a defender, but hopefully, he was better than none at all.  
  


* * *

  
Now that Fawkes was with him, Severus had something outside of himself to focus  
on, which helped somewhat. Thinking about what Fawkes might need in terms of  
food, bedding, and the like gave him a distraction from his own thoughts, which  
tended to plunge into a downward spiral rather quickly. He was slowly coming to  
realize that being left alone with his own thoughts was not a good thing, but he  
didn't see any way of resolving the problem when he didn't dare poke his nose  
out of his house. If the Furies didn't pose a danger, there were denizens of the  
Wizarding world who hadn't forgiven him and thought he needed to pay for his  
crimes who would cheerfully string him up in the Furies' stead.  
  
Which, he thought with some of his old sardonic humor, entailed more or less  
everyone except Lupin. Such was his luck that the one person who seemed willing  
to forgive him was someone he wanted nothing to do with. Granted, there was no  
one he could think of whom he really wanted to see. There were few people in the  
world whom he had considered friends rather than colleagues or tolerable  
acquaintances, and they were dead, imprisoned, or hated him. He was stuck with  
Lupin as his only recourse if he wanted companionship, and he considered it  
indicative of his fractured mental state that he almost - almost! - considered  
that preferable to utter solitude.  
  
Of course, after the way Lupin had slunk out with an expression reminiscent of a  
puppy that had been smacked on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, it was  
unlikely he would be back to pester Severus, and Severus firmly reminded himself  
that was a good thing. Thus when he was summoned from his workroom by an  
insistent knock on the door, he was surprised, and he braced himself to face  
more annoying Gryffindor do-gooder nonsense.  
  
Surprise changed into shock when he peered out the window and saw not Lupin but  
Minerva McGonagall on his doorstep, and he made certain his wand was at the  
ready when he opened the door. They peered at each other for a few moments,  
McGonagall studying him over the top of her glasses with her mouth compressed  
into a prim line of disapproval while he eyed her warily. He couldn't imagine  
what had brought her here, but he would be damned if he would give her the  
satisfaction of asking.  
  
"Well, are you going to invite me in, or have you lose all semblance of courtesy  
along with your morals?" she demanded.  
  
Severus drew himself up, refusing to give any sign that her words had stung. "I  
have no intention of letting you inside my house until I know what you want. I  
have no reason to trust you."  
  
"That is rich, coming from you!" Her expression turned fierce as she rounded on  
him. "Very well, if you will not invite me in, I shall speak my peace here and  
now. I want to know how you tricked Remus into letting you assist him in this  
investigation."  
  
Of all the accusations he had thought she might hurl at him, that wasn't one of  
them, and he stared at her. "You think I _wanted_ to be dragged into this?"  
he asked incredulously. "What I wanted was to be left alone. It was Lupin who  
came to me and all but strong-armed me into getting involved!"  
  
"That makes no sense!" she snapped, bracing her fists on her hips. "Why would he  
approach you, knowing you are a traitor, a murderer, and not to be trusted?"  
  
Severus clenched his jaw against the cold despair rising within him at the  
reminder of how he was viewed now, not only by those who knew nothing about him  
except what they read in the newspaper, but also by people who had known him for  
decades, whom he had learned from and worked with. Whom he had once thought was  
a friend. "You will have to ask Lupin," he replied coldly. "All I know is that  
the world is in danger, and I have been called upon to help save it again like a  
good little tool. You lot apparently did not get your pound of flesh the first  
time, and so you must carve out more and more until there is nothing left."  
  
"Spare me your self-pity! No one is ever going to declare you a martyr, and I  
don't believe it for a moment anyway." She fixed him with an accusatory glare.  
"You must be benefiting in some way. I cannot believe you agreed without an  
ulterior motive. I don't trust you, Snape. You  
let Albus die. I know you did! There was  
something that could have been done, but no doubt you were trying to save your  
own miserable hide, and you let him pay the price! Remus says you are suffering,  
and I hope that is true. You deserve every second of it and more!"  
  
Severus gazed at her, suddenly feeling exhausted down to his soul. It was on the  
tip of his tongue to say that he hadn't wanted to get involved at all, that he  
wanted to be left alone, that he had given everything to a world filled with  
people who hated him even though he had saved their lives, and he just didn't  
give a damn about anything anymore, but Lupin was persistent, and doing this was  
better than sitting in his parlor, watching the hours drag by and waiting to  
die. He could have argued that Albus hadn't given him any choice in the matter,  
and he didn't let Albus do anything; he had  
fought for months to find another plan - anything that would work just as well  
and keep them both alive.  
  
But she wouldn't believe him even if he did say all that. No doubt she would  
accuse him of trying to solicit sympathy instead of seeing that he was hanging  
onto his sanity by his fingernails. She didn't want to see it, and so she  
assumed the worst of him. It was no more or less than what he had expected, but  
it still made him tired.  
  
There was no point in speaking further. She - like everyone else - had tried and  
convicted him in her own mind, and nothing he said would sway her. And so he  
stepped back inside and closed the door in her face, locking it securely behind  
him.  
  


* * *

  
Severus had made it obvious that he didn't want Remus around any longer, but  
Remus discovered, much to his dismay, that he had left some items at Severus'  
house. He had few enough possessions and little enough money that retrieving  
them was rather important despite the fact that Severus would no doubt be angry  
at him for returning. He probably could have owled Severus and asked him to send  
his clothes and toiletries back to Grimmauld Place, but when another odd  
occurrence was brought to his attention by Hermione Granger and arrangements  
were quickly made for him to do a first hand investigation, he decided to put on  
his cast iron skivvies and risk another visit to Severus on his  
way.  
  
It was more than just the lack of his physical possessions or the fact  
that the world continued to toss out bizarre occurrences driving him,  
however.  Ever since leaving Severus on the morning after the full moon,  
Remus had felt strangely lost, as though he were lacking any purpose or  
direction. It was odd how taking care of Severus had so quickly become important  
to Remus, and now he felt adrift, unable to find the peace that he thought he  
should feel in knowing that Severus no longer wanted to die.   
  
Even though he would probably end up going alone, Remus felt that it wouldn't  
hurt to have an independent examination of the latest odd manifestation, just to  
satisfy his own curiosity. He knew that he was probably making work for himself  
to do, just as he was making excuses to see Severus again, but he ignored the  
inner voice that mocked him for wanting to do it. It would no doubt be a brief,  
unpleasant interview, and then Remus could go about his business, telling  
himself that he would never have to see Severus again.  
  
Squaring his shoulders, Remus mounted the steps to Spinner's End. He stood for a  
moment, staring at the door, and he almost turned around and left. But he  
didn't, and with a sigh of self-loathing, he raised his hand and knocked.  
  
Severus glanced up from the sheaf of papers in his lap at the sound of the  
knocking, annoyed by the interruption. Over by the window, Fawkes dozed on his  
perch, the sunlight making his gold tail feathers gleam richly; he stirred at  
the knocking and chirped sleepily, but he didn't open his eyes, which let  
Severus know whoever was at the door wasn't a threat. The Furies had returned  
the night before, and Fawkes' angry squawking had warned Severus of their  
presence before they even drew near enough to the house to be seen. With an  
annoyed grumble, he put the articles aside and went to answer the door, finding  
himself unsurprised to find Lupin on his doorstep. The werewolf seemed to have  
taken it upon himself to become Severus' personal nuisance of late.  
  
"What is it now?" he demanded crossly.  
  
"Sorry to bother you, Severus," Remus said, his voice quiet and all his masks  
firmly in place. He didn't want to think of how his heart seemed to leap when he  
saw Severus, noticing how Severus looked much more like his normal self than he  
had even a few days before. Fawkes was truly helping Severus as Remus had been  
unable to do, and Remus was glad, at least, one of them had found something to  
live for.  
  
Realizing that he had been staring, Remus coughed to cover his discomfort. "I  
left a few things here I need, I'm afraid. Clothing and such, nothing big, but  
I... well, I don't have the money to replace them. So if you would let me in,  
I'll just collect them and be on my way."  
  
"Fine." Severus stood aside to let Lupin come inside, and he locked the door  
behind them, not wanting to take any chances even though it was daytime. He  
supposed he could have refused, but contrary to popular belief, he wasn't that  
much of an ogre, especially since he had already had to tighten his own budget  
considerably given his own shaky financial situation these days. "Be quick about  
it," he added, just to make certain Lupin wasn't taking his acquiescence as an  
invitation to loiter.  
  
"Yes, Severus," Remus replied, moving quickly past Severus and up the stairs. It  
took him only a few minutes to gather up the few items of clothing and his  
toiletries, and he drew his wand, shrinking them and putting them in his pockets  
to make them easier to carry. He glanced around the room, feeling bereft, before  
he turned and headed back down the stairs quickly. Severus hated him, Severus  
didn't need him, and that was all there was to it. Remus would do well to  
remember that and not moon after something that was never meant to be.  
  
Stopping in front of Severus, Remus gave him a lopsided smile. "I'm glad you're  
doing better," he said, meaning it sincerely. Then something occurred to him.  
"And you should know... the Order voted to allow you back in, if you were so  
inclined to help with the latest crisis. I suppose you can contact Minerva if  
you are interested. She's still the head of it these  
days."  
  
"Don't bother lying." Severus'  
lip curled in a disdainful sneer. Somehow he wasn't surprised; no matter what  
they thought of him personally, they weren't foolish enough to turn away a  
useful tool in a time of crisis. "McGonagall called on me recently, and she let  
me know her true feelings on the matter. She made it clear that she doesn't  
trust me, that she believes I let Albus die to keep myself safe, and that I do  
not deserve any measure of peace. If the Order did indeed vote to let me back  
in, it was not to her liking, I am certain."  
  
The more he thought about the things McGonagall had said, the more irate he  
grew. They didn't forgive him, but they wanted to use him, and he was damned  
well tired of being used and thrown away.  
  
"Let me tell you something, Lupin," he snarled, leveling his finger in Lupin's  
face as his wrath grew. "I don't give a damn about the Order or anyone in it.  
You all turned your backs on me, believing in my guilt, and I have no use for  
any of you now. I will continue to study the information you gave me because it  
is what Albus would have wanted me to do, and because I have nothing better to  
do with my time, but it is not for the Order's sake or yours."  
  
Remus stepped back from Severus' accusing finger. Severus had a point, but he  
was exaggerating, taking things the wrong way. "For what it's worth, Molly and  
Hermione were very happy about me asking for you to be reinstated. Not because  
they want to use you, but because they genuinely care about you - as do I. And  
if I may state a point of logic here, Severus, the entire point of what you did,  
what Albus made you do, was so that everyone - the Dark Lord, the Order, the  
Ministry, the Death Eaters - would think that you were guilty. You duped us, and  
it isn't fair for you to take out your anger on us for believing precisely what  
you went to such great lengths to make us believe."  
  
"Yes, you were meant to believe I was guilty - and you did," Severus retorted.  
"Without question, without a single grain of doubt. You were all so damned eager  
to believe that bastard Snape had finally shown his true colors, and no one had  
the slightest hint of faith in me. No, your lot just tried to kill me on sight  
without question for the entire last year of the war, so forgive me if I'm  
dubious about this sudden welcome now."  
  
Shaking his head, Remus sighed. "I'm sorry, Severus. I truly am. I wanted to  
make it up to you, but you don't want that from me or from anyone. We're  
grateful for anything you do, of course, but I won't be coming back to bother  
you anymore. I thought perhaps I could atone for the things you had to go  
through, but it's obvious I can't. I don't want to argue with you. Goodbye,  
then. I have someplace that I'm supposed to be."  
  
Storming to the front door, Severus unlocked it and flung it open. "You want to  
leave? Go. Run back to your friends and tell them all about how cruel old Snape  
was to you and how unfairly he treated you when you were trying to play the nice  
do-gooder. You were the one who dumped this burden on my doorstep and got me  
involved because of my 'keen analytical mind', and you were the one who was so  
damned intent on keeping me alive, and now you're running away. How typical," he  
sneered. "Your backbone always did wilt under pressure."  
  
It occurred to him belatedly that goading Lupin in such a way might provoke  
Lupin to stay and pester him just to prove a point, and he had to resist the  
urge to whack himself upside the head. If he didn't know better, he would  
suspect he'd done it just for that reason, because as annoying as Lupin was, he  
was Severus' only connection to the outside world and the only person who had  
even bothered pretending to care about his welfare. But that certainly couldn't  
be the case, because that would mean Severus was lonely, and if there was one  
thing Severus definitely did not need, it was other people.  
  
"Some of us doubted, and some of us didn't want to believe," Remus said softly.  
He looked at Severus, meeting those dark eyes with a proud tilt to his chin,  
Severus' condemnation bringing up the wolf in a way that Remus hadn't expected.  
"If you don't believe me, I once again invite you to use Legilimency on me, to  
see the truth in my mind and in my motives. If you aren't afraid of the truth,  
that is. I know what is in my own heart, Severus. I've told you and told you,  
but you hate yourself so much that you don't want to believe anyone else could  
care."  
  
"I don't give a damn what is in your mind or your heart, Lupin." Severus  
dismissed the offer with a scowl and a wave. "You're avoiding the point, turning  
this around on me when it is you who saw  
fit to take on a responsibility that you are now abandoning because you're too  
weak-willed to follow through. I didn't ask for your help or to be brought into  
this mess, but you thrust it upon me, and now you're running."  
  
Something in Remus snapped, and the wolf which had been prowling around in the  
back of his mind was suddenly there, fierce and angry. Before he realized what  
he was doing, Remus grabbed the front of Severus' robes and lifted Severus with  
no more effort than he would have lifted a child, straight-arming him until  
Severus' feet dangled several inches off the floor. Amber eyes flashed, and  
Remus gazed up at Severus, his face hard and stern, making him look very  
different from his normal, mild self.  
  
"You told me to go. You insisted upon it,"  
he snarled, giving Severus a small shake for emphasis. "Now you mock me for  
doing it and say I'm abandoning you. Well, which is it, Severus? Are you telling  
me to go, or is this your contrary way of begging me to stay?"  
  
Severus' eyes widened, and his heart pounded in his chest as adrenalin sang in  
his veins, the thrill of fear making him feel more alive than he had in months.  
His wand slid out of his sleeve and clattered on the floor, making the fight  
option as impossible as the flight option his instincts were clamoring for, but  
he was too proud and stubborn to admit defeat so easily.  
  
"I don't give a damn what you do," he spat. "I'm just pointing out that you're  
as wretched at fulfilling your responsibilities now as you always were. You  
wanted me to help - begged me to look at  
all those articles - and I have. What am I supposed to do with what I've  
learned? Sit down for a nice chat over tea with McGonagall? I think not! If you  
walk out now, you'd damned well better take every last scrap of paper and  
parchment with you, and don't ever come crawling back here for my help again,  
because you won't get it!"  
  
The wolf was still there, and Remus shook Severus again and again, hard, barely  
restraining the impulse of the wolf to use enough strength to make Severus' head  
snap on his neck. Growling low in his throat, Remus pushed Severus up against  
the wall of the foyer, staring up at him with the wolf's resentment for Severus'  
continued goading. "Normal people would sit down over tea and chat about it, but  
that just isn't your style, is it, Severus? You want a whipping boy for your  
anger at yourself, and I've been serving that function. Well, I won't crawl, not  
to you, not to anyone. Not anymore. So what's it to be? Do I put you down so we  
can talk like rational, mature people, or do I give you the spanking you deserve  
for being an obnoxious little brat?"  
  
White-hot fury washed over Severus, and he could feel the heat of an angry flush  
rising in his face. His back was to the wall - literally - but he wouldn't go  
down without a fight; he was used to it, after all. He had fought against every  
obstacle, fought against Lupin's bullying friends, fought for nearly everything  
his entire life, and now that his spirit had revived, he wasn't about to roll  
over and let Lupin order him around.  
  
"Put me down now, Lupin," he demanded, grinding the words out through clenched  
teeth. "Or so help me God, I will kick you where it hurts most, and if you lay a  
hand on me again," he snarled, "you'll regret it."  
  
"I'll put you down, not because you are threatening me, but because I'm tired of  
this," Remus said, his voice betraying a hint of bitterness as he lowered  
Severus so that his feet touched the floor, and he stepped back, eying Severus  
warily. "Well, since you've accused me of abandoning you, then fine, I won't.  
Get your outer robes. You're coming with me to investigate an outbreak of Devils  
Snare at the Tower of London."  
  
It was on the tip of Severus' tongue to protest that he wasn't doing any such  
thing, but he bit back the words with effort. He had hoped Lupin would slink off  
with his tail between his legs, but since that wasn't happening, Severus was  
hoist on his own petard after hurling accusations at Lupin for shirking his  
responsibilities.  
  
"Fine," he snapped and stormed off to fetch his robes, silently damning himself,  
his temper, and his wayward tongue.  
  
He never suspected that goading Lupin would have this result, but there was  
nothing for it now. As little as he  
wanted to leave the safety of his own, heavily warded home, perhaps  
investigating one of the sites would reveal more information than merely reading  
about the mysterious occurrences well after the fact. First hand information was  
better than second hand information, and there was always the possibility he  
would notice something the idiots usually interviewed for the newspapers did  
not.  
  
Remus waited while Severus stomped off, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge  
of his nose as he fought down the wolf and fought off a headache. He disliked  
this part of himself, and he didn't like situations which brought it out and  
forced him to let down the masks covering the wolf. It figured Severus would  
respond to the wolf better than he did to Remus' normal aspect; after all,  
Severus had spent decades hating the face Remus presented to the world. Well, if  
the wolf was what Severus responded to, then the wolf it would be. Remus sighed,  
lowering his hand and pinning a stern rather than a placid expression on his  
face. At least he was getting Severus out of the house. That was something that  
apparently even Fawkes hadn't been able to do.  
  
When Severus reappeared, Remus opened the front door and stepped outside. "They  
have sealed off the Tower from the public, but the Magical Liaison for the Crown  
have given permission for me to have a look before they try to exterminate the  
plants," he said matter-of-factly as he descended the stairs and stood waiting  
for Severus on the pavement. "I'll Apparate us there."  
  
With that, he drew his wand and wrapped his arm around Severus' waist. A moment  
later, they reappeared in a special room the Ministry maintained within the  
White Tower for emergencies.  Given the high concentration of ghosts within  
the ancient fortress, Remus wasn't surprised when they were greeted by the  
spectre of an elderly Yeoman Warder, the "VR" on his chest placing him in Queen  
Victoria's time  
  
"Remus Lupin, here by permission," Remus said, pulling out the small scroll  
Hermione had given him to prove his authorization.  "This is Mr. Snape, who  
will be assisting me."  
  
The ghost looked at the parchment, noting the official seal, and then it  
nodded.  "Go'wan, then," he said, pointing toward the door.  "Keep  
that scroll 'andy, too, just in case.  The 'ole place is twitchy today."  
  
"I can imagine," Remus replied, before taking Severus' arm and leading him out.  
  
As soon as they arrived, Severus froze and clenched his wand in a white-knuckled  
fist. Aside from going out to face the Furies, he hadn't left the safe haven of  
his home in months, and the anger that had carried him this far faded under the  
onslaught of uncertainty. What if the Furies came after him here? What if  
someone recognized him and attacked him? Stiffening his spine, he forced himself  
to move, pride goading him to wrench his arm free of Lupin's grasp. He wouldn't  
show weakness in front of Lupin, and he wouldn't let apprehension get the better  
of him. This was just another battle, and Severus was accustomed to those. But  
paranoia kept him poised and alert as they walked inside, and he strained all  
his senses for any sign of danger, his jaw tight and his body tense, coiled to  
spring at the first provocation.  
  
Remus could see Severus' tension, and he felt sympathy for it, knowing that the  
last few months hadn't been easy for Severus, especially with the Furies attack  
only days ago. He was careful, however, not to show any hint of it, lest Severus  
think it was a sign of weakness.  
  
"Through here," he murmured, leading Severus out into the corridor, which gave  
onto the top of a very narrow, circular stone staircase.  He stepped  
forward first, carefully making his way down the almost tunnel-like staircase,  
one hand on each wall to help keep his balance. The staircase wound down and  
down, until it finally gave out into a larger room at the base of the building,  
and Remus stepped into the more open area with a sigh of relief, turning to wait  
for Severus to emerge as well.  
  
"You can almost feel the all the death and misery pressing in around you, can't  
you?" Remus asked, his voice low.  He ran a hand over part of the stone  
wall, which was cold enough to feel damp even in the summer weather.  "A  
lot of people were killed in this particular tower, and it's left a mark." 

He gestured toward a door in the opposite wall, where two more Yeoman Warders -  
living ones, this time - stood watching them warily.  "We go out there,  
down toward Traitor's Gate, then we'll go along the lane to the Well Tower. It's  
a good thing that one isn't generally admissible to the public, else we might  
have had a few people go missing rather than just some alarmed guards."  
  
Perhaps it was his own mental state that played a part in it, but Severus  
could feel the suffering that had seeped  
into the very stones surrounding them, the mantle of despair that enveloped the  
room seeming all the more acute, almost suffocating him. He gripped his wand  
tightly and forced himself to press onward in spite of the tightness in his  
throat and around his chest; he didn't like this place, and he wanted to flee,  
but he would be damned if he gave Lupin any reason to call him a coward.  
  
"You're taking me to Traitor's Gate?" he  
said, letting the irony of that sink in on its own without elaboration.  
  
"It was not meant to be a commentary. It's merely the way we have to go," Remus  
said, wanting to smack himself for not thinking of how Severus might take  
that.  He truly didn't consider Severus a traitor, and he hadn't even  
thought of the irony.  As they approached the exit, he offered the scroll  
to show their authorization, and one of them nodded and held the door so they  
could leave.  
  
Once they had descended the steps to the ground, Remus pointed out the proper  
direction and set off.  Turning his head slightly, he gave Severus a  
sideways glance.  "If it makes you feel any better, the wrongdoers always  
approached Traitor's Gate from the river, not from inside the Tower itself."  
  
"Cold comfort," Severus muttered. He glanced around, feeling a growing sense of  
unease, and he repressed a shudder. The walls seemed to be closing in, and he  
was sharply reminded of his time in Azkaban. He still didn't have a firm grip on  
his sanity at that point, although he was lucid more often than not, and some of  
his memories of the prison seemed more like nightmarish hallucinations.  
  
"I'm sorry for what you went through," Remus said quietly.  He meant it,  
although he doubted Severus would believe him any more now than the last hundred  
times he'd said it.  Apparently even the presence of Fawkes hadn't managed  
to heal all Severus' wounds, and since werewolves were known more for  
destruction than anything else, he rather thought he might just make things  
worse.  
  
Which didn't mean he wasn't going to keep saying it, hoping that someday maybe,  
just maybe, Severus might believe him.  
  
He made no comment as the path gave way to the cobbled walkway in front of the  
infamous Gate, merely turning quietly to the left and continuing on without a  
look.  After several steps, he lifted his hand and pointed ahead of  
them.  "That's Lanthorn Tower up on the left, and beyond it, on the right,  
is Cradle Tower.  We're headed to the one just behind it.  Well Tower  
was built by Edward I. There are two deep shafts in the bottom part which were  
used to pull water in from the river.  I suppose that must be damp and dark  
enough for the Devil's Snare."  
  
"I thought this was an investigation, not a tour," Severus snapped. "Just show  
me where the plant is and keep the commentary to yourself." This place was  
setting him on edge - well, he thought, more on edge than usual - and he wanted  
to get the job done and get out as quickly as possible. He felt exposed here  
even though there weren't any tourists around, and it was taking a great deal of  
effort not to fire off hexes at shadows as he followed Lupin.  
  
"Yes, Severus."  Remus barely managed to repress a sigh.  Maybe it  
hadn't been such a good idea to bring Severus after all; he seemed extremely  
nervous, and Remus was half afraid Severus would Apparate away if someone made  
an unexpected noise behind him.  He remained silent was they walked up the  
Water Lane to their destination, stopping at the entrance to once again show  
their authorization to the guards.  
  
"It's down the first set of stairs to the right," the Warder directed them, and  
Remus gave the man a tight smile and a nod before stepping into the  
building.  Almost at once the dank, clammy atmosphere closed in around  
them, and Remus pulled his own wand, his werewolf nose wrinkling at the almost  
overwhelming scent of mold and decay.  
  
"Definitely the right atmosphere," he murmured, heading toward the stairs and  
down.  At the first landing, there was another Warder, this one obviously a  
Wizard, as evidenced by the wand in his hand.  "How much further?"  
  
"Two more levels," the Warder replied, glancing back and forth between Remus and  
Severus.  His eyes widened a bit as he obviously recognized Severus, but he  
didn't make any further comment.  
  
Severus mustered enough vitriol to draw himself up and sneer at the Warder,  
refusing to be cowed no matter how much he disliked these surroundings or how  
much he wanted to go home. He was more than a little surprised the Warder didn't  
refuse to let him through, but they continued on without incident. The further  
down they went, the more oppressive the darkness and dampness became, and he  
couldn't keep his teeth from chattering even though he clamped his jaw shut in  
hopes Lupin wouldn't notice.  
  
The sound of dripping water grew louder as they made their way down the next two  
flights, their way dimly lit by the electrical bulbs in the wall.  Before  
they reached the final landing, however, Remus stopped.  "Well, it's still  
growing," he said, surprised to find the shaft below their position completely  
filled with the soft, springy tendrils of the plant.  "I don't think we  
should go any further; it wouldn't do to risk tripping and falling into  
it.  I have to admit, I've never seen this amount of it in one place  
before. The report is that it literally sprouted overnight."  
  
Severus moved as close as he could to see the plant well without getting too  
close to Lupin. For all intents and purposes, it looked like a normal Devil's  
Snare, but he had never heard of one sprouting overnight, much less growing to  
these proportions so quickly. Lifting his wand, he made a quick motion and  
muttered a charm, slicing off a portion of a nearby tendril, and he levitated it  
into his waiting hand.  
  
"I will test this sample and see if there are any noticeable anomalies," he  
said, stuffing the bit of plant into his pocket. Severed from the rest, it would  
be harmless, and perhaps there was some kind of mutation involved for this plant  
to exhibit such rapid growth. "It looks normal to me, but one never can tell  
based solely on appearances."  
  
"No, appearances are quite deceiving," Remus agreed with a tinge of irony of his  
own.  He traced a pattern in the air, a detection charm to show the  
presence of other magics, particularly Dark ones.  The Devil's Snare didn't  
show up as unusual, but the walls of the stairwell seemed to emit an eerie  
glow.  "Even this place has seen its share of horror.  I wonder if  
there is a single room in this place that hasn't had death visit it."  
  
"Not likely," Severus muttered, glancing away from the unearthly glow. He didn't  
need a spell to tell him this place was steeped in horror, and he was more eager  
than ever to be gone. "Are we finished here? Or are we expected to get rid of  
the plant before we leave?"  
  
"No, the Ministry will see to the extermination - we're simply here to see if we  
can find anything out of the ordinary.  Give me just a moment. I want to  
cast a few more spells."  Remus proceeded to conjure several different  
detection spells, frowning as they revealed nothing out of the ordinary.   
"Hmmm.  Well, I think that's all I can get from this.  Shall we go?"  
  
"Yes," Severus replied vehemently. He didn't wait for further discourse or  
invitation to depart; he whirled and hurried back up the stairs, wanting to get  
out, get away, before the memories closed in and he lost his already tenuous  
grasp on his sanity.  
  
His footsteps rang on the steps as he all but ran up, not paying attention to  
Lupin or his surroundings, too intent on reaching the exit. He didn't even  
notice the shimmering figure coalescing before him until he was right on it, and  
he stopped abruptly before he could run through the ghost. It was a woman,  
barely more than a girl, dressed in clothes that appeared to be from the 16th  
century, and her expression was mournful, her eyes wide and sad. Severus was on  
the verge of walking through her, refusing to stop and socialize with a strange  
ghost, but his escape was cut off abruptly when the ghost's arms shot up and  
out, her cold hands clamping down on his upper arms.  
  
It wasn't as if she could restrain him, but somehow, he found himself frozen in  
place, his own eyes growing wide with shock as her touch sent icy tendrils along  
the length of his arms and her voice echoed in his mind.  
  
 _Unbeliever. Cynic. Fool. You are empty and cold. No longer._  
  
The words resonated in his skull, spoken in a woman's voice that was as rich as  
honey, but he barely had time to absorb her words before he felt a jolt, a  
tingle like the sting of a thousand needles prickling him, making the hair on  
his arms and the back of his neck stand on end. He gasped, eyes flying open wide  
as the energy danced along his skin, seeping into him, permeating him to the  
very core.  
  
Remus was hard on Severus' heels, although it seemed as though Severus was  
almost levitating up the stairs in his hurry to leave.  His feet turned  
uncharacteristically clumsy, and he stumbled, cursing as he banged his shins on  
the hard stone of the stairs.  This slowed him down, so that by the time he  
limped to the top of the steps, he expected Severus to be long gone.  
  
Strangely enough, however, Severus was standing still only a short distance  
away, the form of a ghost in front of him, actually  
touching Severus.  Without any pause  
for thought, Remus dashed forward as the wolf rose up, his instinct to protect  
Severus from what he perceived to be an attack.  
  
"Let him go! Let him go!" Remus snarled, using all his curse-borne strength to  
try to pull Severus back from the ghost. "You can't hurt him, I won't let you!"  
There was resistance, and Remus growled, his eyes flashing golden as he held  
fast to Severus, heart pounding in fear that Severus was being hurt.  
  
As abruptly as it had grabbed him, the ghost released Severus and glided  
backward, seeming to shimmer and diminish until it disappeared into thin air,  
and Severus stumbled, keeping himself upright on his shaky legs by sheer force  
of will alone.  
  
"Did you hear her?" He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his palms  
against his forehead as the woman's voice echoed in his mind; he couldn't figure  
out if her words were mockery or a warning, but either way, her tone seemed to  
indicate it didn't bode well for him.  
  
Remus wrapped his arm around Severus' waist as Severus stumbled, supporting him  
and relieved he appeared unharmed.  
  
Then Severus' words registered, and Remus blinked, looking back and forth  
between Severus and where the ghost had disappeared. "Hear her? No, I didn't  
hear anything," he replied, pulling Severus toward the door and casting a wary  
eye around for more ghosts.  There weren't any, only the guard, who started  
forward as they approached.  
  
"What's wrong?  Did something happen?" he asked, but Remus waved him off.  
  
"No, we're fine.  Just an unexpected encounter with one of the Tower  
denizens," he explained as they continued toward the door.  "We're done.  
You can call in the Ministry to get rid of the plants."  
  
Severus didn't need a bunch of Ministry people poking at him and asking  
questions, and Remus' protective instincts had been raised fast and strong.  
Drawing his wand, he Apparated them away, ignoring the shouts for him to stop.  
Right now, he wanted to know what Severus had thought he heard.  
  
They reappeared outside Spinner's End, and Remus sighed in relief. "We made it,  
but we should get inside quickly. And I want to know what she said to you. It  
could be important."  
  
With a low snarl, Severus wrenched himself away from Lupin. "Don't touch me!"  
  
Ignoring Lupin's request, he marched up to the door and unlocked it; for a  
moment, he was tempted to slam the door in Lupin's face. Lupin had dragged him  
out of the house, exposed him to the oppressive atmosphere of the Tower, and got  
him attacked by a ghost. Why had the damned thing come after him, anyway?  
Sometimes it seemed as if the entire world was conspiring against him - or  
perhaps Lupin was a bad influence, in which case Severus would be much better  
off if Lupin left him alone for good.  
  
Remus followed Severus, a low growl rising in his throat. He didn't give Severus  
a chance to shut him out; he pushed his way into the house, standing in the  
foyer and fixing Severus with a look of grim determination. "I'll touch you if I  
bloody damned well think you need help," Remus bit out, crossing his arms over  
his chest to keep himself from shaking Severus again.  
  
It seemed that now that the wolf was out, Remus' normally even temperament had  
been tossed by the wayside. Oddly enough, Severus seemed to be more cooperative  
when Remus was nasty to him, so Remus decided to go with what worked for now and  
save his guilt trip for later. "What did you hear, Severus? This could be  
important. No one was attacked but you as far as we know. Did you do anything to  
draw the ghost's attention to yourself?"  
  
"No, I damned well did not!" Severus snapped, his fingers itching to draw his  
wand and blast Lupin out of his house. "You were there! You saw what I was  
doing. I was trying to leave, that's all. As for what it said, it was nonsense.  
Just a lot of rubbish," he said with a dismissive wave. He would rip out his own  
tongue by the root before he admitted to Lupin that a ghost had shown up just to  
call him a fool.  
  
Remus gave a sigh of pure frustration, raking a hand through his hair. "Fine,  
Severus. If I go to report this to the Order, are you going to accuse me of  
abandoning my responsibility to you again? If so, then I'll move back in here,  
and you can report on your findings to me in gory detail. If nothing else, this  
incident proves to me that things are definitely getting worse, and we have to  
get to the bottom of it."  
  
Severus stared at Lupin with a look of pure loathing in his eyes, wanting  
nothing more than to answer Lupin's sanctimonious prating with a hex that would  
have him belching slugs for a week. "Get out!" He drew his wand in a  
lightning-quick motion and trained it on Lupin in one shaking hand. "NOW!"  
  
Biting down a snarl, Remus turned, and without another word stomped out of the  
house, slamming the door behind him. There was no reasoning with Severus, none  
at all, and Remus was a fool for trying.  
  
Unfortunately, he knew that he would be back, whether Severus liked it or not.  
Because despite Severus' accusations, Remus wasn't about to give up on Severus.  
Strangle Severus, perhaps, but never give up.  



	6. Chapter 6

_Severus knelt in the middle of the bed, awaiting his  
lover. His body had been anointed with precious oils and dusted with gold,  
making his skin gleam in the light from the braziers. His eyes were lined with  
kohl, and his lips were tinted vermilion; his hair fell in a dark curtain around  
his face as he bowed his head.  
  
Anticipation and apprehension were at war within him, but neither showed on his  
impassive face. The warm evening breeze wafted in through the window, making the  
gossamer curtains surrounding the bed flutter, and Severus glanced up, catching  
sight of his lover entering the room on silent, bare feet.  
  
He was naked, like Severus, save for a mask covering all but his mouth, and  
Severus could see those tempting lips were tinted as his were. He could see the  
scars on his lover's body, and he wanted to touch them, fascinated rather than  
repelled. Reaching out with one arm, his lover parted the curtains, and Severus  
lowered his gaze again, glancing at him coyly.  
  
As his lover climbed onto the bed, Severus shifted backward, reclining against  
the pillows, one knee bent as if to shield himself from view, but his lover  
wasted no time in nudging his legs apart and stretching out atop him, and  
Severus gasped at the unfamiliar sensation of the weight and the heat of naked  
skin pressed against his own.  
  
"I want to see your face," Severus murmured, studying the smooth, blank mask  
hiding his lover's features from him.  
  
"Take off the mask." His lover's voice was deep and rich like melted dark  
chocolate, and Severus shivered at the sound of it. He lifted his hand, but his  
lover grasped his wrist. "Your mask, not mine."  
  
Frowning, Severus touched his own face, feeling nothing but flesh. "I can't!"  
  
Behind the mask, his lover's eyes seemed sad, and he caressed Severus' cheek  
with gentle fingers. "Then you remain blind."  
  
Anger surged in Severus' breast; he was tired of being called cold and empty and  
blind, but all thoughts of ire fled when his lover bent to fasten his teeth on  
Severus' nipple; he cried out, clutching his lover's shoulders as his lover  
trailed kisses down his body. Spreading his legs wide, he threw his head back,  
mouth agape in a wordless cry as a hot, sucking mouth engulfed him and-_  
  
Severus bolted upright with a harsh gasp, his body bathed in sweat as he stared  
around his dark bedroom, disoriented. There was no golden glow from numerous  
braziers illuminating the room, and no sheer curtains hung from his bedposts.  
  
And he was alone.  
  
And he was suffering from a problem that hadn't plagued him since adolescence,  
he thought with an annoyed grimace as he looked down at the bulge beneath his  
nightshirt. For decades, he had squelched and sublimated not only his sex drive,  
but his sexuality as well. In school, he hadn't dared admit that he fancied boys  
lest the bullies who tormented him added another weapon to their already  
considerable arsenal. Who would have wanted him anyway? It would have been  
difficult enough for him to find a girlfriend as ugly and unpopular as he was;  
finding a boyfriend would have been impossible.  
  
He came to view sex as a useless distraction, and he disdained his peers for  
letting themselves be ruled by their rampaging hormones. He would not be so  
weak! He considered himself superior for exerting control over himself, and he  
prided himself on not being vulnerable to the needs of the flesh like the lesser  
mortals surrounding him. Let them paw each other and place so much importance on  
being desired by others. He had no use for any of them.  
  
Over the years, he repressed that part of himself so thoroughly that he no  
longer thought of himself as a sexual being; he was above all that unnecessary  
nonsense. He never wanked, he never admired the beauty of other men, he never  
felt surges of sexual attraction. He had exerted stringent control and made  
himself asexual, and he didn't regret it.  
  
Except now it seemed his long sublimated sex drive had got tired of being  
ignored and had risen - so to speak - with a vengeance.  
  
Well, he hadn't succumbed to such base urges since his schooldays, and he didn't  
intend to start now. With an annoyed snarl, he thumped his pillow and rolled  
onto his side, clearing his mind of the lingering images of his dream lover. It  
was a dream, nothing more, and it didn't mean anything. Severus intended to  
forget it completely, and in the morning, life would go on as it always had.  
  
Dream would never become reality, and Severus was far too jaded by experience  
ever to believe otherwise.  
  


* * *

  
The late summer sun had disappeared behind the rows of dingy houses, but twilight would hang on for several more hours, lending a cool, indirect illumination to the dreary scene. Remus thought that the brick and plaster facades of the dwellings looked better in the partial gloom, the starkness and severity of their forms softened, the colors given depth and mystery by the lengthening shadows. Still, it wasn't a terribly cheerful sight, and Remus wondered if part of Severus' problem was that he was slowly solidifying into the same rigidity as his surroundings, unable and unwilling to change.  
  
Sighing, Remus turned up the street where Severus lived, making his way slowly toward his destination. He didn't even try to pretend that a warm reception awaited him at his journey's end, but still, here he was, once again risking health and hexing to check on Severus. Perhaps he was mad for pushing where he so obviously was not wanted, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He thought about Severus constantly, worried about him, wondered if at any moment Severus might give in once again to the despair that had nearly claimed him before. The idea of Severus doing so horrified Remus, and he didn't get the reassurance from a message by owl that he would from seeing Severus in person.  
  
So here he was again, mounting the steps of Spinner's End and facing Severus' door. Such a hard, unyielding surface, that door, as hard and unyielding as Severus' hatred for him. If only he could change Severus' mind; if only he could convince Severus to get out of this... place. If only...  
  
Stopping the thought, Remus shook his head. There was no point in wishing for things that were impossible. It was better just to get on with the matters at hand, even if Severus wouldn't like it one bit.  
  
At least he can't hate me any more than he already does, Remus thought with a wry smile, as he raised his hand to knock on the door. So any change in his feelings toward me can only be an improvement. Right?  
  
Severus was startled by the unexpected knock at his door, and he glanced over at Fawkes, who cocked his head inquisitively, but didn't seem alarmed. For his own peace of mind, Severus rose and peered out the window just to make certain his uninvited guest wasn't a threat, and he muttered a curse when he saw Lupin standing on his doorstep.  
  
He didn't even have the luxury of pretending he wasn't home to get rid of Lupin, since Lupin knew he never left the house. Perhaps he ought to consider leaving every so often just so he could have that as an excuse, he thought sourly.  
  
Storming to the front door, he flung it open and glared down at Lupin. "I thought I told you to send information by owl!" he snapped.  
  
"I know what you told me, Severus," Remus replied, voice low and even, quite unlike the harshness he had shown at their last encounter. "And I have sent you the information by owl, as you requested. However, there is something that I believe you need to see in person, so I'm here to take you there."  
  
It wasn't a lie, not really, and Remus kept his slightly pensive look in place so that Severus wouldn't grow suspicious. Or not more suspicious than Severus was normally.  
  
That got Severus' attention, and he regarded Lupin warily; things hadn't gone well for him the last time he had accompanied Lupin on an investigation, but he had to admit - albeit grudgingly - that being able to see a site first hand let him gather evidence himself rather than rely on what other people handed him.  
  
"Something new has happened, then?" he asked. "Where?"  
  
"We'll be going to Cornwall; something happened there a couple of days ago, and I think you should see it." Remus wasn't going to describe exactly what Severus would see or at least not all of it. It was enough that Severus' interest was piqued and that Remus could get him out of this dreary house for a few hours.  
  
"I'll Apparate us there, since I know the place," Remus continued, stepping back so that Severus could exit the house.  
  
Severus grimaced, disliking the idea of going anywhere with Lupin, but he had committed to this task, and in addition to it being the closest thing he had to a job to keep him occupied, he had grown intrigued by the mystery. His failure to discern anything unusual about the sample of Devil's Snare annoyed him, and he wanted to find something that would give him answers. He returned to the parlor briefly to inform Fawkes that he was leaving and where he was going; Severus suspected the phoenix would be able to find them if he was up for an outing. After that bit of business was taken care of, he joined Lupin outside, closing and locking the door behind himself before turning to face Lupin, dreading the necessity of contact while they Apparated.  
  
"Let's go," he said tersely.  
  
Remus waited as Severus made his preparations, not trying to push into Severus' house, lest Severus get angry and decide not to come along after all. He offered a brief smile, however, as Severus locked the door and rejoined him, nodding at Severus' acknowledgment of his readiness.  
  
"Hang on, then," he said, pulling his wand before wrapping an arm around Severus' waist and Apparating them both. He felt the same familiar, twisting sensation as always, and then they weren't standing in the dreary industrial housing area anymore, but perched high on a cliff along the wild Cornish coast, the sound of waves crashing on the rocks below providing a deep, rumbling counterpoint to the cries of the seagulls who floated on the late afternoon thermals.  
  
The sun was still visible here, sinking slowly in the cloudless, azure sky toward the dark line of ocean on the horizon. Remus reluctantly dropped his arm from around Severus before drawing in a deep breath of fresh air, letting it wash over him. "It's so beautiful here and deserted," he said, glancing at Severus and giving an impish smile that would no doubt earn him a glare, but he gave it anyway. "Look around... I would like to get your impressions of the area and of anything you happen to notice."  
  
"It reeks of rotted fish," Severus replied, instinctively reaching for his wand as he looked around. He didn't like being out in the open, exposed like this, but his apprehension faded when he saw the devastation behind them.  
  
Trees were torn up and looked as if they had been carelessly tossed aside, and boulders littered the area. There were no scorch marks to indicate magical damage, and a quick spell revealed no magical residue in the air; to Severus, it looked as if a pack of Muggles had come along with some of their machinery, ploughing up everything in its path.  
  
"I assume you wouldn't waste my time by showing me damage done by Muggles," he said, squinting as he tried to assess the damage in the fading light. "The only causes I can think of that might cause this kind of massive destruction without magic are angry trolls or giants, but there aren't any in the area."  
  
"Not giants, giant. Singular," Remus replied, looking away from the sea and toward the carnage, which he had seen before. The destruction was rather amazing, and he gave an involuntary shudder. "Two reliable witnesses reported it, one of them an Auror. A giant appeared and went on a rampage."  
  
Remus walked over to a rather large boulder, crouching down enough for leverage before hefting it, rolling out of the way and showing how deeply it had been embedded in the ground. He turned to look at Severus, shrugging slightly. "That fell from a long way up, so we're talking some serious strength here. But I wonder why? Fit of pique? The giant didn't seem to be attacking anything, at least not that anyone has yet determined."  
  
"It doesn't matter why," Severus retorted crossly, folding his arms across his chest. Lupin's display of strength hadn't gone unnoticed, and Severus was annoyed at the reminder of that strength, considering how Lupin had picked him up and shaken him like a naughty puppy. "What is the thing doing here in the first place, and where is it now? There haven't been giants in Cornwall for centuries."  
  
"Current location unknown, as far as the last time I heard," Remus replied, straightening and brushing the dirt off his hands as he glanced about them. "And no clue where it came from, which leads us back to our other mysterious occurrences. But what do the Furies, giants, Devil's Snare, and basilisks all have in common? It just doesn't make any sense. There has to be a common theme here that we're missing. They apparently don't all have a common purpose, thank Merlin, but... nothing fits. Could it really be random? Or is the pattern that joins them just too obscure for us to see?"  
  
It was on the tip of Severus' tongue to retort that they had nothing in common, but he didn't want to be forced to eat his words later, should some commonality arise. He wasn't going to rule out the possibility that there was some connection, however slight; he simply didn't know what it was yet.  
  
"At the moment, I am attempting to ascertain whether there is a geographical starting point for the phenomena," he said, moving closer to the wreckage and conveniently away from Lupin. "I have placed each incident on a map, looking for a common point of origin. I have no conclusions as yet."  
  
Remus nodded. "That's a brilliant way to do it," he said sincerely, walking back toward Severus in a slow, smooth gait, easily avoiding the smaller debris. "Why don't we have something to eat and talk about it?"  
  
Smiling, Remus started off away from the cliff, toward a small stand of trees. He had been here just before going to see Severus, and he had set up a picnic blanket and a basket of food for their refreshment. When he reached the blanket, he sank down on it, reaching into the basket and pulling out two glasses. Another foray yielded a carafe, its sides beaded with condensation, and he opened it, pouring out the chilled pumpkin juice. Holding out a glass, he offered it to Severus. "So, if it turns out not to be geographical, what else could it be? Some curse gone wrong? I'd love to hear any theories you have, because I can make certain to pull articles that might be pertinent."  
  
Severus glanced up from his investigation of an uprooted tree just in time to see Lupin sauntering toward him, and he froze, having a sudden, disorientating moment of familiarity, although he couldn't place why. Then Lupin moved off to a cluster of trees that were still standing, and Severus noticed the blanket and the basket.  
  
And the braziers.  
  
Lifting one hand, he rubbed his forehead, trying to banish the images from his dream that rose up unbidden. It was coincidence, nothing more, but it unsettled Severus far more than he cared to admit; he didn't want any connection, however slight, between Lupin and his mysterious dream lover.  
  
"I don't have any other theories," he said, wrapping his arms around himself and refusing to move closer. He didn't want to go near Lupin and his damned blanket and braziers; this wasn't a social outing, and he didn't understand what kind of game Lupin was playing. Who set up a picnic in the middle of nowhere during an investigation? It was ludicrous, and Severus wanted no part of it.  
  
"I could the events by date, I suppose," he continued. "If there isn't a geographical starting point, perhaps there is a chronological starting point. If that line of investigation fails, I will be at a loss unless some new evidence presents itself."  
  
Remus wasn't surprised that Severus didn't come closer, but he was disappointed nonetheless. He placed the glass of pumpkin juice down on the blanket, then sipped from his own, considering what Severus had said. "That's logical. Have you had the opportunity to progress very far?" he asked, keeping his manner open and friendly. "Come on, Severus, please do have a seat, I won't bite you. Certainly you aren't afraid of me, are you? It's just easier to talk here; I feel less like I am intruding on your space."  
  
"You are intruding on both my space and my time," Severus snapped, glaring at Lupin anew. He bristled at the accusation that he had any reason to be frightened of Lupin, but he refused to rise to that particular bait, recognizing it as a manipulative tactic. "What are you going to do if I refuse to sit down?" he asked with a sneer. "Force me, like you did last time? I warn you, if you try such a thing again, I won't hesitate to hex you."  
  
"No, Severus, I won't try to force you," Remus said, shaking his head and sighing. "I just wanted to show you that you were wrong when you said I wouldn't care any more, once you had decided not to kill yourself. I still do care, and, bizarre as it sounds, I like spending time with you... or at least when we are having a discussion that doesn't involve physical violence."  
  
Shrugging, Remus took another drink of his juice, looking up at Severus and raising a brow half in inquiry, half in challenge. "You said you don't think people like you and that no one cares about you, but you're wrong. I just don't understand why you seem so determined to reject the people who do care about you. Is it so wrong or weak of us that we care? Do you despise those of us - do you despise me - for wanting to reach out to you? Is it so hard to believe that I could care about you? I've offered to take Veritaserum... well, I'll offer it again. Believe me, Severus. I have no desire to tell you any lies."  
  
"No one has 'reached out', as you put it, other than you," Severus replied, his voice hard and cold. "As for you, I don't want your company or your pity. I do despise you, but not because you are reaching to me, but because I have always despised you, and it means less than nothing to me that you claim to care."  
  
Putting his glass down, Remus rose to his feet and walked toward Severus, holding Severus' eyes as he moved smoothly toward him. "I wish I could change your mind, Severus," he said huskily, wanting rather desperately to reach out and run his fingers over the smooth, pale plane of Severus' cheek. No doubt he would be hexed for his trouble, but Remus suddenly didn't care. He needed to touch Severus, and damn the consequences.  
  
Stepping closer to Severus, Remus lifted his hand, lightly brushing his fingers over the firm, warm skin at Severus' jawline, sliding up toward Severus' ear. "Despise me all you want, but I'll still be here for you. You no doubt think me a fool, but it's true."  
  
Severus wanted to knock Lupin's hand away and bark out a furious retort. He wanted to lift his wand and hurl a curse that would send Lupin flying. He wanted to Apparate away and retreat to the safety of his own home.  
  
But Severus could do none of those things. That simple touch had frozen him, yet it burned him as well, his skin suddenly screaming for more more more. He couldn't remember ever reacting to a touch that way before; he couldn't remember the last time anyone had touched him. Even Lupin had only grabbed his robes, not touched bare skin.  
  
Touch starved.  
  
The words formed in his static-filled mind, but he refused to believe them. He didn't want anyone to touch him. He didn't need anyone to touch him. He was fine. He was fine!  
  
His heart hammered against the walls of his chest, his breathing growing erratic as images from his dream filled his mind. In the dream, his skin - his entire body - had been hungry. Ravenous. His dream-self had been weak, but he was not weak. He had conquered his base urges once, and he would do it again.  
  
"Don't!" His voice was a hoarse croak, and he jerked his chin out of Lupin's grasp, backing away from Lupin, reaching up to rub his cheek, feeling as if his skin was burning where Lupin's fingers had rested.  
  
Remus' eyes widened as Severus stepped back from him. At least Severus hadn't started throwing hexes, but there was something there, something he couldn't quite fathom in Severus' reaction. Remus wasn't positive he could trust his senses, but for a moment, he thought he caught the barest hint of desire in Severus' scent. But that couldn't possibly be right... could it? Not when Severus was backing away from him, rubbing his cheek as though Remus' touch had burned him?  
  
And yet... Remus wanted to stay close to Severus, wanted to touch him again and find out if perhaps Severus' armor wasn't quite so thick as Severus pretended. He stepped close to Severus, reaching out again, this time to take Severus' hand, pulling him back toward the blanket. "Come on, Severus, sit down with me, please? Just for a little while? I packed all the things I remembered you used to enjoy eating. Surely you don't despise me so much that you won't at least try a few of the things I got for you?"  
  
Food was the last thing on Severus' mind, and he wasn't certain he could eat even if he wanted to, but he was too shell-shocked to resist when Lupin took his hand, Lupin's fingers in his palm igniting a conflagration along his nerve endings. It took every ounce of will power he possessed to maintain control when every instinct was urging him to give to long-neglected need.  
  
But he couldn't possibly give in, not after his decades-long fight to squelch those instincts. Moreover, he couldn't give in to Lupin, of all people. It was unthinkable.  
  
Yanking his hand free, he sank down onto the blanket and clasped his hands in his lap, forcing himself back under control. refusing to give Lupin the satisfaction of knowing he had rattled Severus.  
  
Remus placed the glass of pumpkin juice closer to Severus before turning back and removing the delicacies he had packed from the basket. It was amazing that Severus was still here and sitting beside him, and the thought made Remus almost deliriously happy for some reason that he didn't want to examine too closely.  
  
He spread out the fresh fruits, breads, and sliced meats and leaned back on his hands, watching Severus. Odd how the man could look so ill at ease in such a non-threatening setting. "Help yourself," he invited, reaching out to take a few grapes for himself. He paused, then added in a low voice, almost to himself. "I'm very glad you're here."  
  
"I'm not," Severus retorted, trying to force himself out of the grasp of whatever strange madness had seized him. "I didn't come here for food and polite conversation, Lupin. I came here because you said I needed to see this site. I've seen it, and unless there's some other pressing business to attend to, I see no reason to linger."  
  
The way Lupin had moved, the touch, the braziers - it all reminded him too keenly of his dream, and he didn't want to think about that dream, especially not in relation to Lupin. It meant nothing, but he couldn't forget it, especially not after the way his body had reacted to a simple touch, and he had no desire to experience that again.  
  
Remus ate a few more grapes, looking at Severus through his lashes. It was odd, because for all that Severus was protesting, he was still sitting here, not moving - or not yet, at least - to leave. Not that Remus was going to point this out, since that of course would trigger an abrupt departure. Sometimes dealing with Severus felt like trying to help a wounded animal, one that reacted on pure instinct because of pain and fear.  
  
Of course, given everything that had happened to Severus, perhaps that wasn't too far off the mark.  
  
Well, Remus had dealt with wounded people before, many of them new werewolves who had as much reason as Severus to be hurt and angry and wary. It took time and a great deal of patience to help them, and Remus was more determined than ever to help Severus... whether Severus wanted it or not.  
  
"You have total free will, Severus," Remus murmured, not wanting Severus to feel forced or trapped. "But the food is here, and so are you, and you do need to eat, so why not? But it's your choice; I'm hardly going to force feed you like a child if you are so determined to go. But if you would like to stay, perhaps you can tell me what other things you think I could do to assist in your research? Would it be helpful to see other sites or perhaps talk to witnesses? Newspaper reporting is, by its very nature, mostly hearsay."  
  
Severus shot Lupin a suspicious glare, his brain warning him that he should go, but Lupin wasn't trying to touch him anymore and the reassurance that he had a choice soothed him on levels he was barely aware of.  
  
"I suppose it would help to gather more firsthand information," he said grudgingly. "The more information available, the better the chances of figuring out what is going on and how to stop it."  
  
"That makes sense," Remus said quietly, before picking up a piece of bread and layering it with some of the succulent roast beef he had bought. Severus might be too stubborn to give in to hunger, but Remus wasn't about to let it go to waste. "Would it help to go back to some of the sites? The Ministry seems to be stretching to keep up with all the happenings, and I don't believe they have investigated all of the sites and incidents thoroughly. Maybe they are more worried about the ones where Muggles are direct witnesses. Which I suppose I can understand."  
  
Whatever reason Severus was remaining to talk, Remus was grateful for it. Perhaps if he kept things low key and easy, Severus would unwind a bit more. Or perhaps not; if there was one thing Remus had learned in the last few weeks, it was that Severus could be wildly unpredictable at times. Slow, slow and easy. It's not like there's a rush anyway, is there? he thought.  
  
"The one thing I have an abundance of is time," Severus murmured, speaking more to himself than to Lupin. "If there are sites the Ministry has not been able to devote a great deal of time to, they might warrant investigation."  
  
"I can find out which ones they haven't had time for," Remus offered immediately, certain that Severus wouldn't want to have anything to do with the Ministry after what he had been through. But the fact that Severus was taking an active interest and offering to go out and do things away from the safety of his home was a good thing. "I can send you a list, and you could see which ones might be the most important in the avenue you are exploring."  
  
Remus paused, then spoke again in a very casual manner. "I would be willing to accompany you, of course. If you wished it. After all, sometimes there is safety in numbers, and two sets of eyes - or two wands - can gather more information. Your choice, though."  
  
Of course the chances of Severus asking Remus along were probably slim to none, but the important thing was that Severus would be getting out away from that awful, brooding house. Hopefully it would help to pull Severus out of his unhealthy introspection as well.  
  
It was on the tip of Severus' tongue to issue a stinging refusal; he didn't want to spend any more time in Lupin's company than necessary, and having Lupin tag along while he was trying to search for clues most definitely qualified as too much time with Lupin. But before he could utter a single word, he remembered the Furies, remembered how many people there were who probably would relish the opportunity to find Snape the murdering traitor alone.  
  
The world outside the protections surrounding his home was still dangerous for him, and while he knew his own strength, he knew he was no match for three avenging goddesses or an angry mob. If he was taken unawares and had no chance to Apparate, he was doomed, and without a death wish spurring him on, he had no desire to die in such an ignoble manner. He wouldn't run from death if it came, but neither would he stumble onto it like an unwary fool.  
  
There was also the matter of Lupin's preternatural senses. Lupin had advantages that Severus did not, and if there was one thing Severus knew from bitter experience, it was that one had to use all available resources no matter how distasteful when there was a job to be done. It galled him to speak the words, but for more reasons than one, it would be wise of him to swallow his pride and accept Lupin's offer.  
  
"Very well," he said tersely, staring with grim resolution at the blanket rather than looking at Lupin.  
  
"All right, then," Remus replied, covering his surprise at Severus' capitulation. He hadn't expected it, nor did he expect the curl of warmth that bloomed in his chest when Severus' agreed to his presence. Don't be a fool; he probably just realizes it's dangerous to go out alone. But still... he could have refused. And he didn't. Maybe things are better? Just a little?  
  
"I'll find out what still needs investigation tomorrow, and I'll owl you a list so that you can decide how you would like to proceed," he said, considering the possibilities. Then something else occurred to him, and he looked at Severus, raising a brow in inquiry "Do you have any Muggle clothes, Severus? I only ask because if we do end up going somewhere with Muggles around, we might attract less attention than if we were in robes. Especially if we have to talk to anyone, they might be less suspicious of us."  
  
"No, I do not have Muggle clothes," Severus replied, his tone waspish. "Why would I?"  
  
He thought about his dwindling finances and shook his head. He couldn't just go out and buy new clothes that he would have limited use for; there was little to no chance of him getting a job anywhere, and he certainly wouldn't get paid for investigating this mystery. Saving the world was not only a thankless job, but it also wasn't very lucrative. What he was going to do when his limited funds ran out wasn't something he cared to think about at the moment.  
  
"I'll Transfigure my robes," he said. "That will have to do."  
  
"That will do," Remus said, feeling a slight let down. Somehow, he thought that going shopping with Severus might actually be amusing; no doubt Severus would insist on all black, not something practical like khakis or denim. But on second thought, perhaps it was for the best after all.  
  
Leaning back on his arms, Remus regarded the sky, which had darkened considerably. Venus was visible, bright in the western sky, and he sighed, thankful that the full moon was weeks away. Funny how Minerva had seemed to think that Severus was bribing his way back into the Order by offering Remus the Wolfsbane potion, especially given the fact that Severus hadn't mentioned the potion at all. Maybe Hermione would be able to brew it for him, if he could find the money to pay for the ingredients.  
  
How wrong they had been about Severus. How wrong they all had been about so many things.  
  
"It's funny," he said quietly, still staring out to the west. "I knew that all our problems wouldn't end when the war did, but I never expected it to work out like... this. With all these strange occurrences, and not knowing if they are dangerous or not. At least with the Dark Lord, there was an enemy we could identify, that we could fight. This not knowing... it's a little worrisome. What if we find out that what we are facing is even worse than the Dark Lord? What if there world is changing, and there isn't a way to fight it at all?"  
  
Severus turned his gaze to one of the braziers, losing himself in its fiery embers. Now that Lupin wasn't pushing him or making demands on him, he wasn't quite as on-edge, although he wasn't relaxed either. He wasn't foolish enough to let down his guard, not with Lupin. Not with anyone anymore.  
  
"If the world is changing, the Wizarding world will have to change with it," he said, shrugging. "Unfortunately, change isn't something the Wizarding world is adept at doing."  
  
And neither am I, he thought, tucking his knees beneath his chin and wrapping his arms around them, curling in on himself. He hadn't expected to survive the war; he hadn't particularly wanted to survive, realizing he had signed away all chances for a normal life on the night he killed Albus Dumbledore. But he had survived, and he was at a loss about what to do with the empty half-life he was left with.  
  
"No, change is not looked upon kindly at all." Remus sighed, reaching out to pick up a small rock from next to the blanket, flinging it out into the gathering gloom. "Nor, once the collective mind is made up, does it alter easily. I've seen that myself, with the attitude toward werewolves. Some are evil, like Greyback, it's true... but most of us are just people. Cursed people, but... all we want is to live, just to be. Some will succeed, and some will fail, but mostly we just want to be given a chance, rather than being judged by something we didn't ask for and can't change."  
  
It was surprisingly pleasant being here with Severus like this and actually talking for once, rather than Severus screaming and Remus reacting. It brought to mind the fact that Remus had always considered Severus intelligent, and that he and Severus were more alike than different in so many ways. Not that Severus would agree, of course, but Remus could see it. He could feel it.  
  
"Well, as with everything, I suppose if the danger is real enough, eventually they will have to accept it," he continued, giving a slight shrug. "And if they don't, they will have to deal with the consequences. I used to think, when I was younger, that it was possible to save the world. But now I know that even if you can save the world, you can't always save all the people in it. Especially if they don't even think they need saving."  
  
Severus listened, surprised to find himself agreeing with Lupin; he hadn't asked to be burdened with the responsibility of carrying out Albus' plan, but he had been, and he had succeeded in carrying it out, but he couldn't change the heinous things he'd had to do in order to do so. He was as much a monster as Lupin, only his darkness was self-created. He was just as stigmatized, just as hated.  
  
He scowled, annoyed at finding himself experiencing any kind of kinship with Lupin, and he drew himself up, bristling. "You're including me in that group of those who don't think they need saving, I suppose," he said. "Especially considering how you imposed your will on me. Too bad you hadn't experienced your little insight before then."  
  
"Oddly enough, I wasn't thinking of you when I said that," Remus replied, giving Severus a sideways glance and a lopsided smile. "For you, I'm sure you do know when you need saving, but you'd damned sure rather die than ask anyone to do it."  
  
Sighing again, Remus sat up straight, facing Severus directly. "I won't apologize for wanting you to live, Severus. Just because I know that I can't save everyone in the world doesn't mean that I don't want to try... especially when I think someone is worth saving. As you are. Not just because of what you did and continue to do for the Order... you're worth it because I think that the world would be less of a place without you in it." He smiled suddenly, the expression lighting up his face. "Besides, who would snark at me if you weren't around? I'm tired of being idolized by the masses; I need you around to take me down a peg or fifty."  
  
Severus hunkered down again, resting his chin on one bony knee, although that didn't undermine the effectiveness of the dire glare he aimed at Lupin. He could feel heat rising in his face, and he was grateful for the dim lighting so that Lupin couldn't see the flush. He knew better than to believe Lupin's nonsense; he wasn't worth saving, and even if Lupin was telling the truth, he was the only person in the world to think Severus' life was worthwhile. The rest of the world wouldn't even notice he was gone, and if it did, it wouldn't care. Most likely, it would say good riddance.  
  
"Stop talking rubbish," he snapped. "You aren't anymore idolized than I am, and you don't need me to deflate your ego - or for anything else, for that matter. I know better. You don't need me. No one needs me, and I don't need anybody, either."  
  
"See, you do a wonderful job of making me feel less than perfect," Remus replied in a teasing voice, still in a good humor. It might not seem like much, but Severus wasn't hexing him, wasn't screaming or running away. It was progress, slow and slight, but still progress. Remus was willing to chalk it up as a victory.  
  
Sobering, Remus resisted the urge to reach out and touch Severus' hand, or worse, to brush Severus' hair back from his face. "I think you'll just have to grant me that I know what I need, Severus," he said quietly. "I suppose that it will be best if we just agree to disagree on whether you are a part of that."  
  
They were beginning to tread over the same ground, and Remus didn't want their first peaceful - or at least relatively peaceful - encounter to end badly, so he decided to let things end on an up note. Quietly, he began to pack things back into the hamper; he couldn't be unhappy about the way things had gone. It was a step forward, and hopefully, he could continue making progress.  
  
"I suppose we should go before it gets too late," he said, rising to his feet and looking down at Severus with a slight smile. "Not that I have anywhere I have to be, other than work tomorrow. Fortunately, Luna is a very understanding boss; I don't think she'll be upset at me if I'm a little late."  
  
"You have a job?" Severus stared up at Lupin, torn between shock and dismay. Lupin had found a job. Lupin, who had lived in poverty for decades, whom Severus had watched grow increasingly shabby over the years, who hadn't been able to find employment other than taking a cursed position at Hogwarts. That very same Lupin was now employed.  
  
It had to be cosmic justice, he thought as he stood and backed away from the blanket, feeling the familiar black pull of despair on his soul. It would be Lupin who got to watch Severus fall deeper into poverty this time, and Severus didn't have any friends who would be willing to help him as Lupin had. He had only long, bleak years of struggle ahead of him, years that were even worse than the ones behind him. All thanks to Lupin's meddling.  
  
"I can Apparate back on my own," he said tersely. "I don't need you to accompany me."  
  
"I work for The Quibbler," Remus replied, pulling his wand and casting a charm that made the blanket fold itself and then float over to the hamper. Severus' mood had changed again apparently, and Remus wondered why his having a job would make Severus suddenly seem angry. "It's the first job I've had in years, and I'm not quite certain that Luna isn't taking pity on me, but I'm grateful for it. There isn't anyone else in the Wizarding world who would hire me, and my condition means that working among Muggles is very problematic."  
  
Remus paused, looking at Severus with his head inclined to one side, as something occurred to him. "Have you thought about selling owl-order potions, Severus?" he asked quietly. "You could advertise in The Quibbler, and I could forward you the orders. Then you could fill them and deliver them back by owl. I only mention it because you don't seem to like being out very much, and that's something you could do from the comfort and safety of your own home."  
  
"As if anyone would buy from me," Severus replied, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I couldn't get all the ingredients I needed anyway. If I want something, I have to order it from a Muggle apothecary and pay the Muggle boy who delivers my groceries extra to fill it for me. Every Wizard apothecary I've tried refuses me, which severely limits the range of potions I could make." He lifted one hand and rubbed the bridge of his nose, releasing a slow, weary sigh. "Just... stop trying to fix my life, Lupin. It isn't fixable. Surely even you and your relentless optimism must realize that by now."  
  
"Sorry, life fixing is a specialty," Remus said, giving a rueful smile. "As far as buying things at an apothecary, I can do that for you, no problem. And if you don't want to use your own name, come up with a company name. There are ways around these things, Severus. You're an intelligent man and a devious one. Where is that Slytherin ability to turn things around in your favor? I know it's still in there. Don't give up on yourself. I won't give up on you, even if you do."  
  
Severus made a noise of frustration and turned away, annoyed by Lupin's persistence; he didn't want to keep hearing about how things were going to work out and be all right when he knew damned well that they weren't.  
  
And yet...  
  
It would be pointless to sell potions that were commonly available at any apothecary, he knew that. If someone could pop round to the shop and get what they needed quickly when they needed it, there was no point in going through the lengthier process of ordering by owl post.  
  
However, there were potions that weren't ready-made and easily available. Potions of higher difficulty and complexity. Potions that could only be made by brewers of a certain calibre. The problem was that those kinds of potions weren't often in demand, but if he offered them at a lower cost in order to undercut his competition, it was possible that he might make enough money to live on if he was frugal.  
  
It was too bad that werewolves tended to be poor, he thought. He could have easily made a living by brewing the Wolfsbane Potion in bulk every month. He was probably the only brewer in Britain with both the skill and the time to brew it in large quantities; the cost wasn't what put brewers off since the ingredients were inexpensive, but the potion itself was complex and time-consuming, demanding precision and care that they didn't care to exert every single month when they had other, more profitable avenues to pursue.  
  
Cupping his chin in his hand, he tapped his cheek, considering. The ingredients really weren't that expensive. If he charged enough to recoup his expenses plus a little extra, he might be able to survive just on brewing that potion alone every month if enough werewolves wanted it, and anything else he managed to sell would be gravy. The question was, would the werewolves be able to afford even that?  
  
Turning back to Lupin, he fixed Lupin with a searching look. "Are there any werewolves who might be able to afford a nominal fee for the Wolfsbane potion each month, or are they all dirt poor as you have always been?"  
  
Remus blinked in surprise; of all the things he had expected Severus to say, that had certainly not been among them. "There are some with a little money, and if they had ready access to the potion, more of them could keep jobs," Remus said slowly, mulling it over in his mind and trying to decide if it could work. He certainly wanted it to work; it would help Severus to have an income and another purpose in his life, and it would help the lycanthropes who didn't have access to the potion.  
  
Like Remus himself; he knew that he would pay, no matter what Severus charged. The precious gift of keeping his mind, of being about to know that he would not be a danger to others was worth any price.  
  
"I think it could work, Severus," he said more firmly, giving Severus a slight smile. "I'll be your first customer, in fact. Whatever you charge, I'll find a way to pay it. And I know at least a dozen others who would feel the same way I do."  
  
Severus was surprised by the vehemence of Lupin's response, although it was at least somewhat gratifying to know Lupin wasn't just paying lip service to the idea of helping. Although in this instance, Lupin's motives were hardly based on pure altruism since Lupin would be getting the potion out of the bargain.  
  
"Fine," he said curtly. "You get me the names of werewolves who are willing to commit to paying every month. I need to know how many want it before I can estimate the quantities of each ingredient I will require and how much I will have to charge."  
  
He could think of a dozen things that could go wrong with this scheme, given how much planning and preparation was necessary to organize the venture, but perhaps this could work. He didn't care about philanthropy, and helping poor, downtrodden werewolves wasn't part of his motivation; he had a viable skill, and this was a means of utilizing it in order to keep himself from descending into abject poverty. He only hoped Fate wasn't such a fickle bitch that she took this away from him, too.  
  
"All right, I will." There were far more than a dozen who would want the potion, of course, but Remus would only approach those who could pay at first. He didn't harbor any illusions about it being cheap, but the werewolves had a knack for survival in even the most desperate circumstances. They would find a way to pay, just as Remus would. One did what one must to not only survive, but to live.  
  
"I'll let you know in a few days," Remus continued, lifting his wand and levitating the braziers so that they floated closer to them, narrowing the circle of light. He smiled more widely, liking how the evening had gone, the positive way that it seemed it was going to end. "I'll get a down payment from them if I can, so that you can buy the supplies. This will work, Severus. I'm sure of it. I think everything will work out just fine."  
  
Severus grimaced, unsettled by the proximity of the braziers and by Lupin's annoyingly unrelenting optimism. He'd had too much experience with things not working out in his favor to hold out much hope that this would be the one thing that did. Still, he would try. He needed the money, and at least it would give him something productive to do that would offer a small amount of income, unlike his research for the Order.  
  
"I'm sure it won't," he retorted, folding his arms. "But we shall see. When you get me the names, I will make a list of ingredients I require. You needn't deliver them yourself," he added.  
  
"Of course, Severus," Remus replied softly, acknowledging Severus' implicit command but not agreeing to it. He would definitely deliver the ingredients himself; first, it would save money, and second, it would give him a perfect excuse to visit Severus again.  
  
Eyes gleaming, Remus inclined his head at Severus. "If you are ready, I shall hold the braziers while you Apparate, before extinguishing them." He paused for a moment. "Thank you for coming out this evening, Severus. I think it was very... worthwhile. I enjoy talking with you as well."  
  
Severus shot Lupin an annoyed glare. Why did he persist in lying and thinking Severus would be fooled by it? There was nothing enjoyable about their encounters, and Severus couldn't imagine what kind of enjoyment Lupin could derive from his company unless Lupin was even more of an idiot than Severus suspected. "Keep your empty platitudes to yourself and piss off," he snarled before Apparating away, eager to escape to the solitude and safety of his home at last.  
  
Remus watched Severus go, then shook his head and chuckled. No doubt he was an idiot for continuing to seek Severus out, but he knew he would do it again. No matter what Severus wanted, "pissing off", for Remus, was simply not an option.  
  
With a wave of his wand, Remus extinguished the braziers, then levitated them to the hamper. Standing next to it he Apparated away, leaving behind only darkness and the steady, eternal sound of the sea.  



	7. Chapter 7

_His lover rose out of the water, rivulets streaming down a lean body and_ glistening on tanned skin in the golden light of the candles floating around the room. There were no braziers or gossamer curtains this time; instead, Severus found himself in a huge bath, indolently stretched out on his stomach with a thick woolen rug protecting him from being chilled by the marble tile floor.  
  
He watched with half-lidded eyes as his lover approached with a rolling, predatory gait, and he gasped as his love knelt and then straddled his hips. He watched as slender fingers dipped into a bowl of warm oil that smelled of cinnamon thickened with myrrh and honeysuckle, and then his eyelids fell shut, and a soft moan escaped his lips as those fingers, slender yet strong, began to knead his shoulders, working out the knots and soothing away all tension even as they massaged the oil into his skin.  
  
Those hands worked their way down the length of his back, kneading firmly until Severus went utterly limp and pliant beneath them. He couldn't remember ever feeling so relaxed before; his muscles were no longer stiff and sore from stress, and his entire body felt heavy, as if it would take great effort to move it.  
  
And then his lover began caressing him, running both hands from shoulder to hip with slow, gentle strokes as if it were a pleasure simply to touch him. His skin was beaded with sweat from the heat of the room and the moist steam, and his lover bent over and blew lightly on the back of his neck, making his toes curl and his skin prickle.  
  
"Feel good?" His lover's voice was low, tinged with amusement.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good." The word was a hot whisper against his ear, and then he felt a tender kiss pressed at the curve of neck and shoulder, sending a ripple of pleasure down his spine. Warm lips were followed by sharp teeth lightly scraping, and he moaned again, moving his head to offer better access.  
  
"I want you to feel good," his lover murmured, rocking against him as those hands continued caressing and exploring, as gentle and tender as if Severus were something precious...  
  
Severus awoke with a gasp, half-expecting to feel phantom hands roaming his body, but the room was dark and empty. It had been a dream. Again, he thought with annoyance as he flung back the covers and reached for his dressing gown. He had no hope of getting back to sleep after _that_ ; his skin was flushed, and he was sweating, but he refused to seek relief in the most obvious way. Instead, he shrugged into his dressing gown and stomped downstairs to fix himself a cup of tea.  
  
Fawkes fluttered into the kitchen and perched on the back of a chair, crooning a drowsy question at Severus.  
  
"I had a bad dream," Severus said tersely as he set out a dish of cinnamon sticks for Fawkes to gnaw on. "It's nothing."  
  
Fawkes gave him a dubious look but other than a happy little chirp over the cinnamon, the phoenix didn't comment, and Severus fixed the tea in silence, taking a seat at his usual place as he tried to put the dream out of his mind. It wasn't as easy to shake as the first one had been, and not because it had left him aroused.  
  
No, the problem went deeper than that. The first dream had been purely sexual, but this one... there had been tenderness. In the dream, Severus had felt beautiful and special, two things he had never felt before in his life. His mysterious dream lover had taken pleasure in touching him, and it had given Severus such pleasure in return to feel desired. To feel worthy of being touched like that.  
  
Closing his eyes, he tilted his head to one side, remembering the feel of warm lips sliding along the tender curve of neck and shoulder, and he shuddered, his fingers clenching around his cup - and then he straightened, opening his eyes and scowling. He was a fool for dwelling on the dream. No one would ever touch him the way his dream lover had. He would never feel beautiful or special or desirable because he was none of those things, and there was no one in the world who would ever think him so.  
  
He sipped his tea, trying and failing to stave off the melancholy rising within him. These dreams were little short of torture, but there was nothing he could do to stop them short of dosing himself with a sleeping draught every night and hoping he slept too deeply to dream. Otherwise, he was stuck with nightly reminders of things he had never had nor ever would have, as if in punishment for his many sins.  
  
Pushing back his chair abruptly, he rose and stormed out of the kitchen, intending to return upstairs and take a sleeping draught, but he paused in the entrance hall, staring at the front door. Slowly, he walked toward it and rested his hand on the knob. All he had to do was open the door, and there would be no more dreams. There would be no more worries about money or his enemies seeking revenge, and there would be no more guilt. There would be only peaceful oblivion...  
  
A loud shriek echoed in the tiny entrance hall as Fawkes swooped down and pecked his hand, hammering at it until he pulled it away from the door. "Damn it!" He cradled his wounded hand against his chest, glaring at the phoenix, who glared right back, his beady eyes silently accusing Severus. "I wasn't going to go out!" he protested, but it was half-hearted at best.  
  
Turning to lean his back against the door, he slid down until he hit the floor and pulled his knees up under his chin curling in on himself, and Fawkes settled beside him, resting his head on Severus' arm and crooning with what sounded like a worried tone.  
  
There had been a tight knot of anger and pain in his chest for as long as Severus could remember, but over the past year, it had grown, swelling to fill his entire chest, crushing his heart and constricting his lungs until he inhaled pain and exhaled fury with every breath. He had been reduced to little better than a wounded animal, hiding away and lashing out at anyone who came near it.  
  
He hadn't always been this way. He remembered being able to function as something close to normal. He had never been an open, amiable man, but he had established cordial ties with his colleagues at Hogwarts, and he had been able to talk to them, even joke on occasion when students weren't around to see Professor Snape put his stern classroom demeanor aside. He had never been happy, but he had known contentment once. His strength and iron will had been what Albus had relied upon, and he had always fought stubbornly and ruthlessly against the obstacles in his path. He no longer recognized the miserable, hopeless man he had become, and he doubted Albus would either.  
  
"I am unwell."  
  
His voice was soft, but the words filled the empty entrance hall, echoing back to him and driving the point home. There was something wrong. Something beyond his understanding.  
  
Raking his fingers through his hair, he thought about what he ought to do. He didn't think there was anyone at St. Mungo's who was equipped to deal with him even if they wanted to, which he doubted, given how quick they were to shove him out the door the last time he was there.  
  
Pushing himself to his feet, he made his way to his workroom, Fawkes following along as if wanting to keep a watchful eye on him. He pored over the few texts remaining in his meager collection, going through each one until he found what he wanted. Instead of returning to his perch downstairs, Fawkes settled on the back of a chair, tilting his head and watching Severus for a long while before seeming to decide that Severus was going to remain where he was. Tucking his head beneath his wing, Fawkes dozed off, but Severus kept reading.  
  
He knew Muggles used drugs to regulate their moods; when he was growing up, he'd had an aunt who moaned about needing a Valium whenever something upset her, which could mean anything from a death in the family to her bread not rising properly. Severus didn't want to take Muggle drugs, but there were potions that would serve as an equivalent medication, and he found a recipe for a Calming Concoction, something he had never had occasion to brew before. He probably could have used it before now, he thought sardonically, but during the war, he hadn't wanted his wits or his senses dulled. Now, however, it didn't matter as much if he were numbed around the edges. Fortunately, he had everything he needed, and he set to work.  
  
By two o'clock in the morning, the Calming Concoction was simmering over low heat, the blue-green mixture giving off chamomile scented fumes that were soothing in their own right. Severus had tweaked the recipe, adding more of one thing and less of another and changing the stirring rhythm to heighten the effectiveness of the St. John's Wort. At the moment, all it needed was to simmer for twenty minutes, and Severus perched on his stool to wait, picking up the sheaf of papers he'd brought in to study.  
  
The map he created had yielded no useful results; after marking the spots on the map where unusual incidents had occurred, he could see no discernible epicenter. They were scattered all over the place with no immediately obvious pattern. Disgruntled by his failure, he had turned to the second avenue of investigation in hopes it would prove fruitful. He had made a chart, documenting the dates of each unusual occurrence in an effort to discover any common link, and he was nearly finished. Only a few more articles remained, and his list would be complete.  
  
Refreshing the ink on his quill, he bent over the articles, making notes on his chart, absorbed in the task. Thankfully, the illness that plagued him no longer made him apathetic and too mentally sluggish to focus on work, which was his one salvation. Ever since Fawkes' arrival, he had been able to think more clearly - at least where his work was concerned. It had taken a while longer for him to realize something was wrong, but now that he had, he was determined to fix it, as much as it could be fixed, at any rate.  
  
Deep down, he suspected that he was too broken to be repaired completely; he didn't expect to be the man he had been before the second war began, before he had committed an act that would haunt him until his dying day. The best he hoped for was an end to being controlled by anger, fear, and grief. They had been manageable once, and he wanted to make them so again. He didn't hope for peace or happiness; that wasn't for the likes of him. He just wanted to recognize himself again.  
  
Putting the last article aside, he began studying the chart of dates, tracing back, trying to find a focal point. A frown furrowed his brow as he pored over the parchment, seeking, seeking - and finally finding. The first reported event appeared to be the sightings of the basilisk, which had occurred in late June, along with the unsolved disappearances in the area that could likely be attributed to the beast. Everything else on the list post-dated that event, which meant he would treat it as the starting point for this whole mess unless further information was provided to show something happened prior to the basilisk's appearance.  
  
The timer charm he had placed on the cauldron dinged, drawing him out of his deep reverie, and he put his list and quill aside, sliding off his stool and stretching languidly before moving to the cauldron to examine the brew. It had deepened to a rich shade of blue, which meant it was ready, and he turned off the heat. Fetching a ladle and a goblet, he prepared a dose and sipped it as he returned to his stool. He could feel the effects almost immediately, tendrils of calm winding around the knot of anger within him and shrinking it a little.  
  
It was a temporary fix, but it would do for now; he didn't want to rely on a potion to regulate his moods for the rest of his life, but it might not be avoidable. His options were limited, especially since he doubted if St. Mungo's could address this particular problem - or if they _would_ address it if he were the patient. Perhaps one day, he would be able to stop taking the potion, but if not, at least he had something that helped him feel more human again.  
  
Now that he had a rough estimate of when the phenomenon had begun, he decided to examine the individual events. The Furies were from mythology, but what of the moving forest, the Devil's Snare, the basilisk, and the giant at Cornwall? He scowled, silently cursing the limits of his diminished library, and decided he would need better resources if he was to continue the investigation. The question was where? He doubted McGonagall would allow him to use the library at Hogwarts. As much as it galled him to ask for help, he supposed he needed to see if Lupin could suggest anything.  
  
He didn't bother writing a note; if the pattern held true, Lupin would be showing up to make a nuisance of himself any time now, and all Severus needed to do was wait.  


* * *

  
It was a much more relaxed Remus who came to Spinner's End a few days after the  
outing to Cornwall. Of course, it helped that that particular meeting had gone  
quite well, all things considered. For the first time, they had parted without  
physical violence, hexing, or even serious threats, and that was progress in  
Remus' mind. Perhaps having a purpose would help Severus, too.  
  
That was, in fact, the reason for Remus' visit. He had been quite surprised by  
the number of werewolves among his old pack who had been willing to throw in any  
money that they could for the chance to buy Wolfsbane potion. They had been  
almost heartbreakingly eager, trusting Remus with their meager funds on the  
promise that a first-rate Potions Master would be doing the brewing, a personal  
friend of Remus'. Not that Severus considered himself to be Remus' friend, but  
Remus probably knew Severus better than any other man alive at this point, and  
that had to count for something.  
  
Hopefully Severus would be able to brew it for a reasonable price, but one that  
would still enable him to make a decent living off of it. What Severus didn't  
need to know was that Remus wasn't going to let either side suffer if he could  
help it. He had a job now, after all, and while the pay wasn't high, Remus had  
learned to live on a pittance long ago. Harry had invited Remus to stay at  
Grimmauld Place during the last days of the war, which meant Remus had a roof  
over his head since Ron and Hermione didn't mind him being there. And for food  
and clothing, Remus had learned to pinch a knut until it screamed for  
mercy.  Severus needed both the money and satisfaction of the job, and the  
werewolves needed the potion; anything Remus could do to facilitate the  
arrangement he was more than willing to do.  
  
Mounting the steps, Remus knocked on the door and waited for Severus to answer.  
With any luck, perhaps the fact that he was bringing money would make Severus  
just slightly more happy to see him.  
  
Severus had just come out of the bath when he heard Fawkes squawking downstairs,  
a sure sign someone was at the door, although it wasn't the sort of angry,  
alarmed sound Fawkes made when the Furies came near the house. If he had to take  
a guess, he would say it was probably Lupin, which was fine with him because he  
needed to inform Lupin of his progress anyway, and when he looked out the window  
and confirmed his guess was correct, he didn't hesitated to reach for the  
doorknob - and belatedly realized he was wearing nothing but his dressing gown  
and a pair of flannel drawers beneath. He closed his dressing gown more tightly  
around himself and squared his shoulders. If Lupin was appalled by the sight, it  
was his own damned fault for dropping by unannounced and uninvited.  
  
Flinging open the door, he glared down at Lupin. "What do you want?"  
  
Remus had been smiling when Severus answered the door, expecting the snark. But  
what he had not been expecting was Severus to be dressed - or rather undressed -  
in such a fashion. Without his armor of layers and buttons, Severus looked  
younger, more vulnerable, and the sight of Severus' long, pale throat did odd,  
fluttery things to Remus' stomach.  
  
Still, staring would just make Severus angry, and Remus pulled himself together  
quickly. "I'm sorry, Severus. I didn't mean to interrupt. I just have come from  
collecting the down payment for the wolfsbane from several of the werewolves I  
know, and I thought you might like to have to money, so that you could see that  
it could be a viable proposition. If it's enough, then if you'll tell me what  
ingredients you need, I can go and fetch them immediately."  
  
"Oh, really." Severus arched an imperious eyebrow, surprised that Lupin and his  
mangy friends had managed to scrape up any money at all; he was so accustomed to  
things not going right for him that the thought something might actually work in  
his favor was almost a shock. "How many werewolves want the potion, and how much  
of a down payment did you get?"  
  
Remus could see that Severus hadn't expected him to be able to do it, and his  
smile widened. "Twenty galleons, with a promise of up to twenty more for  
delivery of twelve doses. Will that be enough, you think?"  
  
He was hopeful that it would; potions had never been Remus' strong suit, but he  
was pretty sure there was nothing wildly expensive in the Wolfsbane. The problem  
with the potion was more in the difficulty of the brewing, but of course Severus  
might value his time far more highly than the lycanthropes would be able to pay.  
For some of them, three or four galleons was half of what they spent in a month  
just to exist.  
  
Severus couldn't help from staring at Lupin, wide-eyed, for a moment. "That  
much?" He worked through a few mental calculations; he could possibly get a  
discount for buying the ingredients and vials in bulk, and if he only charged a  
little more than it cost to brew, it would suffice. He didn't care about getting  
rich off this venture; he only wanted enough money to live on, and he was no  
stranger to frugality.  
  
"Three galleons per head," he said, satisfied with that figure as being fair to  
both the werewolves and himself. "That will cover my expenses and brewing time."  
He lifted his chin haughtily. "Do you agree to that fee?"  
  
"That will be fine," Remus said, nodding and resisting the urge to sigh in  
relief. At that price, he could help a few of the lycanthropes who would have  
the most trouble paying. It would be a good thing all around; the lycanthropes  
would have the peace of mind in knowing they had a steady supply of the potion  
which would insure their safety and that of others, and Severus would have a  
steady income, which might help improve his outlook on life just a bit.  
  
Reaching into his pocket, Remus removed a large bag of coins. It contained the  
equivalent of twenty galleons, although, given the source, it was mostly in  
knuts and sickles. The only gold was Remus' own, hoarded from his pay, and not  
for the first time he blessed silently blessed Luna Lovegood for being willing  
to employ him.  
  
"Here you are," he said, holding the bag out. "If you want to give me a shopping  
list and tell me what appropriate prices are in your estimation, I can go to  
Diagon Alley and purchase the supplies. That way you can get started whenever it  
is convenient for you. Of course, I'll pick up the doses and deliver them to the  
buyers; as you can imagine, most of them don't want their locations or their  
identities known."  
  
Severus took the bag, careful not to touch Lupin's fingers as he did so.  
"Discretion is part of the service, of course," he said in a tone that implied  
Lupin should have known such an obvious fact. "I'll make a list now."  
  
Pivoting on his heel, he headed for the parlor, his dressing gown billowing  
around his bare legs as he walked. He had released his death grip on the collar,  
and the lapels now gaped open, baring his throat and offering a glimpse of dark,  
curling chest hair in the V and the clean line of his half-hidden collarbone.  
  
Taking a seat at his desk, he set down the bag of coins and then reached for a  
piece of parchment and picked up his quill, scribbling down a list of  
ingredients and the necessary quantity, too engrossed in his task to indulge in  
virginal modesty. He bent his head, his dressing gown gaping open and leaving  
the back of his neck bare and vulnerable, his hair too short now to conceal it.  
  
Remus entered the house behind Severus, careful to close and lock the door  
before following Severus into the parlor. He was having to hold himself in  
check, the bare flashes of Severus' lithe legs rather tantalizing. But it was  
the sight of Severus' bare nape, looking so delicious, so exposed, that caused  
the wolf to surge up in Remus, fast and unexpected.  
  
Severus seemed unaware, bent to his task, and Remus debated with himself for a  
moment before giving in to the temptation, wanting to touch Severus, to feel the  
smooth, warm skin beneath his fingers. No doubt Severus would hex him, but if he  
made it seem accidental...  
  
Moving to stand behind Severus, Remus leaned over him to read the list. He  
placed one hand on Severus' neck as though to balance himself, caressing lightly  
over the pale skin where shoulder met neck. Severus' skin was just as warm and  
silken as it looked, and Remus leaned in further, his lips not far from Severus'  
ear as he spoke. "Don't forget to give me a list of vendors you prefer as well.  
Especially ones willing to bargain."  
  
Severus jerked, and his quill skittered erratically across the parchment as an  
explosion of heat detonated in the pit of his stomach and spread its fiery  
tendrils throughout his body at the feel of Lupin's hand there on that spot.  
The spot. The one his dream lover had  
lavished with kisses and bites, turning his dream self to a heap of quivering,  
aroused pudding.  
  
In the dream, it had made him melt. In reality, it was far more potent, and he  
bit his lip to fight back a moan, silently cursing Lupin's luck at having found  
his weak spot without even trying. He wanted to snap at Lupin and order him to  
keep his filthy paws to himself. He wanted to tilt his head and offer his neck  
for more than just a simple touch.  
  
Gripping his quill tightly, he forced himself to focus on the list, hoping Lupin  
hadn't noticed anything or if he had, that he chalked it up to Severus not  
liking the touch. "Vendors. Right." He began to write again, finishing off the  
list and adding the name of three different apothecaries where he had bought  
supplies for his stores at Hogwarts.  
  
Remus was prepared for Severus to react by knocking his hand away, or perhaps to  
turn and snap out a disdainful order for Remus to move his hand or lose it. He  
wouldn't even have been too surprised if Severus had snarled and bitten him. But  
he was not quite prepared for Severus' sudden jerk, quickened breathing, and  
scent of desire that rose from Severus skin in a wave so thick Remus could  
almost taste it.  
  
Apparently Severus had a very sensitive neck, which appealed to Remus on every  
level, both as wolf and man. If Severus was that responsive to a mere touch,  
Remus wondered hungrily what Severus would do if Remus gave that same delectable  
flesh a swipe with his tongue, or, better yet, grazed it with his teeth before  
fastening them into Severus' skin, marking Severus, showing a claim on him.  
  
The wolf approved, very much so, but Remus knew it was a fruitless desire, and  
he forced it down. Instead he leaned closer as Severus seemed to recover  
slightly, enough to finish the list. Suddenly there was no more excuse for Remus  
to be touching him, and the wolf wanted to growl in frustration. Still, Remus  
couldn't resist gently squeezing Severus' shoulder before pulling his hand away  
with a light graze of fingernails.  
  
"Thank you, Severus," he said, stepping back so that Severus could rise. "I  
think I can manage quite well with such an orderly list."  
  
It was force of will alone that helped Severus repress the shudder that rippled  
down his spine at the scrape of nails along his sensitive skin, but he couldn't  
stop his toes from curling. One touch seemed to have awakened a long-dormant  
hunger, and now his skin was ravenous for more. Apparently his body didn't give  
a damn who touched him as long as its hunger was slaked, but Severus' mind  
rebelled at the thought of satisfying his need, no matter how much he ached,  
with Lupin. He didn't like Lupin. He didn't trust Lupin. He didn't know what  
Lupin's real motivation for returning in spite of being told to go away and  
leave him alone repeatedly, unless Lupin was trying to pester him to death, but  
he didn't care. Lupin was not welcome in his life, and he was certainly not  
welcome in Severus' bed.  
  
Rising to his feet, he towered over Lupin and held out the list, his expression  
as cold as his voice. "Here." He paused, drawing himself up proudly. "Next time,  
keep your grubby paws to yourself if you don't want them lopped off at the  
wrist."  
  
Taking the parchment, Remus sighed. Severus had felt aroused, Remus was certain  
of it, but Remus was now equally certain that Severus would never admit to it,  
not in a million years. He wasn't certain if it was just him personally, or if  
Severus would have lashed out at anyone that way. It was disheartening, but  
Remus tried to console himself with the thought that Severus hadn't hexed him.  
  
"I'll be back shortly with the supplies," Remus said, turning for the door. "It  
shouldn't take too long."  
  
"Fine." Severus waited in the parlor until Lupin was gone, and then he went to  
lock the door before hurrying upstairs, eager to get dressed. He didn't like  
facing Lupin without his armor on, and he especially didn't like wearing  
anything that allowed Lupin to touch him. Especially not The Spot.  
  
As he buttoned himself up in his usual concealing robes, he wondered why he  
hadn't just hexed Lupin for touching him in the first place. It had to be the  
potion he'd been taking to stabilize his moods; it couldn't possibly be that...  
  
No. He couldn't even entertain the notion that he might be attracted to Lupin.  
That was impossible. Utterly ludicrous. Unthinkable! They were enemies and had  
been since their first year at Hogwarts; that wasn't going to change. What  
Severus was experiencing was nothing but inappropriate lust brought on by years  
of denial. He didn't know why it was resurging now, but it was, and Lupin simply  
happened to be the only male who had come near him since his hormones had  
decided to pretend he was sixteen again.  
  
When he returned downstairs, he was fortified, ready to face Lupin with his  
defenses in place; he wouldn't be controlled by base needs, and he would forget  
how the feel of Lupin's warm hand caressing his skin made him want to lean back  
and relax against Lupin, to tilt his head and offer his neck for more than just  
a single touch... eventually.  



	8. Chapter 8

Once outside, Remus Apparated to Diagon Alley and made his way to the first shop  
on the list. He decided to divide up the purchases between the shops so that no  
one would be able to place what he was buying the ingredients for.  
  
While he shopped, Remus couldn't help but think about Severus. There was a huge  
difference between Severus now and how he had been the first time Remus had gone  
to his house. It seemed amazing that it had been only such a short period of  
time, but so many things had happened in that time, mostly terrible things, but  
some that were good, too. And even though Severus' attitude toward Remus seemed  
to be changing, it was an agonizingly slow process, and one that had no  
guarantee to continue to progress.  
  
Part of Remus, the part which was used to protecting his more vulnerable side,  
wondered why he bothered with Severus any longer. Severus didn't appear to be  
suicidal any longer, and Fawkes was there now to keep Severus from doing  
anything stupid. What was Remus doing, forcing his attentions on someone who so  
obviously didn't want him around anyway?  
  
 _Because even if he doesn't want me, I want him._  
  
The attack of self honesty wasn't exactly comfortable, but now that he had  
thought it, Remus had to admit that he had been dancing around the truth of it  
for quite some time. It might have started out as concern for Severus' obvious  
desire to self-destruct, but somewhere along the line, Remus had gotten far more  
emotionally involved than was wise. What could come of it, after all? Even if  
Remus had the patience of a saint, it would take a miracle - or more magic than  
Merlin himself had - to change Severus' hatred of Remus into anything resembling  
friendship, much less something more.  
  
And it wasn't about sex, although Remus had thought about Severus that way more  
than once. Remus had other options for physical intimacy if he wanted them, but  
he wanted Severus, even though he was certain it was a desire that was destined  
to go unfulfilled.  
  
This brought back to him his failed relationship with Tonks.  He had  
somehow known that it had been doomed from the start, that eventually she would  
find someone younger, someone more like her, less damaged than he was.  Her  
energy and effervescence had quite honestly tired him sometimes, because at  
heart he liked things far more calm and quiet than she did.  And somehow  
the sex had never been completely satisfying, not that it had been her fault at  
all.  Deep in his heart he never had quite gotten over the feeling that he  
was a dirty old man with a young, nubile girl, despite the fact that she was of  
age.  There was a chasm there that he couldn't breach mentally or  
emotionally, and in a way when she had decided her heart really belonged to her  
long time partner, it had been more of a relief than anything else.  
  
Severus, however, was... different.  Remus had always been flexible in his  
attractions, and if he were honest with himself, he'd been attracted to Severus  
for years.  Severus was an equal, both in age and intellect, and had been  
through the same things Remus had.  They shared the sort of invisible bond  
that only long association could bring, and even if that association hadn't been  
exactly cordial, it still had forged ties between them that were  
undeniable.  There was also the fact that Severus needed him, and the  
wolf... well, Remus had never had that side of himself react so strongly to  
anyone else before.  There was hunger, yes, but also possessiveness;  
somehow, deep in his heart, Remus knew that there would be no fighting this  
attraction, even if he wanted to do so.  And he definitely didn't.  
  
These ruminations kept Remus preoccupied during his shopping, but finally he  
finished, and he drew in a deep breath. Stupid,  
foolish, optimistic Gryffindor, he thought to himself and gave a lopsided  
smile. No doubt Severus would have even harsher words if he knew what was on  
Remus' mind.  
  
With that, Remus Apparated back to Spinner's End, mounting the steps and  
knocking on Severus' door again. It was hopeless, perhaps, doomed to failure,  
but he wasn't ready to give up on changing Severus' mind further. At least not  
yet.  
  
Severus went to his desk to pick up the bag of coins Lupin had given him before  
going to let Lupin back in, comforted by the familiar, safe feeling of his robes  
billowing behind him rather than the revealing flap of his dressing gown.  
Opening the door, he stepped aside to allow Lupin entrance, albeit temporarily,  
and he pointed the way to his workroom.  
  
"Just set it all on the table. I will unpack the parcels myself." He didn't want  
Lupin messing around with his carefully ordered shelves and mucking up his  
system. "How much did you spend? You forgot to take any money," he said, shaking  
the bag in his hand and letting the coins jingle.  
  
Complying with Severus' instructions, Remus followed Severus, removing the  
various packages from his robes and unshrinking them before placing them on the  
table. All in all, he was rather pleased that he had made a good deal with each  
of the sellers despite his preoccupation, the frugal practices of years serving  
him well.  
  
Fortunately, Remus had had money on him, enough to cover the ingredients at  
least. He pulled out the receipts from the merchants, handing them to Severus  
with a slight smile, a bit more at peace now that he had admitted things to  
himself. "Less than you had budgeted, actually. I suppose my years of poverty  
are useful for something after all."  
  
With a noncommittal noise, Severus took the receipts and studied them, silently  
adding up the figures before putting them aside. Opening the bag, he counted out  
enough coins to reimburse Lupin and held out his hand, intending to drop the  
money into Lupin's palm to avoid any contact, however slight.  
  
Remus watched Severus' long fingers sorting among the coins, and an imp of  
mischief - one that had gotten him into trouble too many times in the past -  
suddenly rose up in him. He held out his hand for the money, but as Severus  
tried to drop the mass of coins on his palm, Remus let several of them slide off  
before closing his fist. Metal clinked on the floor, and Remus looked up with  
wide eyes and a sheepish grin.  
  
"Oops, that was clumsy of me," he said, before stooping down to retrieve them.  
  
"Idiot," Severus growled as he knelt to collect them as well, accidentally  
reaching for them as the same time as Lupin. Their fingers tangled, and he drew  
his hand back quickly as a tingle shot up the length of his arm. He glanced up,  
finding himself dangerously close to Lupin, and he froze, caught in Lupin's  
gaze.  
  
Remus was pleased that Severus knelt as well; it brought them closer together,  
their fingers caressing lightly before Severus pulled his hand away. But then  
Severus raised his head just as Remus leaned closer, and suddenly they were  
looking into each other's eyes, almost nose to nose. So close that Remus could  
have leaned forward, closing the distance and pressing his lips against  
Severus'.  
  
He wanted to, Merlin, how much he wanted to. Remus' eyes darkened as he looked  
at Severus, his gaze straying down to Severus' mouth for a moment before he  
looked back up, licking his own lips unconsciously.  
  
Severus' gaze flicked down to Lupin's mouth, heat kindling in his dark eyes at  
the quick flash of pink tongue moistening those lips, leaving them wet and  
gleaming. Enticing. Biting back a groan, he stood swiftly and backed away,  
damning his wayward hormones for giving him what had to be a fit of temporary  
insanity.  
  
"If you are quite finished being a clumsy oaf," he said frostily, trying to  
gather the remains of his dignity around himself, "there is something more we  
need to discuss. I have news to report regarding my research, although it is not  
good news."  
  
Remus felt a surge of satisfaction at the way Severus' dark eyes focussed on his  
lips, before Severus stood and put distance between them. It was frustrating, of  
course, that Severus seemed to be attracted to him, and yet so maddeningly  
determined to resist it at all costs. At least it helped for Remus to hope that  
Severus would suffer the same physical effects that Remus was feeling himself.  
  
"Oh?" Remus forced his attention back to more prosaic matters, reminding himself  
that figuring out what was going on in the world was important, too.  "What  
is it?"  
  
"I completed the task of marking each unusual incident on a map," Severus said,  
unconsciously falling back into the same manner he once used in the classroom  
while lecturing. "I included everything up to the most recent occurrence with  
the three-headed dog taking up guard duty at the gates of Azkaban. However, the  
results were inconclusive. The events are literally all over the map, and there  
is no discernible geographical starting point. With that avenue of inquiry  
ended, I looked for a chronological starting point instead. I made a chart and  
listed each event by date, and unless something happened that we do not know  
about, all of this began at the end of June, shortly after the end of the war."  
  
Remus frowned thoughtfully, mulling over Severus' conclusions.  "That was a  
good approach to take," he said approvingly.  "Too bad the map didn't pan  
out - that would have been useful in predicting the next incidents, as well as  
finding the source.  But the time..." Sighing, Remus shrugged.   
"Unfortunately, that's about all that anyone has been able to come up with, I  
think.  Logic seems to indicate it had something to do with the battle, or  
perhaps with something Voldemort set into motion before it - say a doomsday kind  
of effect in case he were defeated.  Except..."  He looked at Severus  
soberly.  "It's annoying and frightening, but it somehow doesn't seem his  
style, does it?  A plague, perhaps, or a huge, violent explosion, or even  
an outbreak of Inferi, that I could attribute to him.  This seems almost  
random, although there has to be a pattern  
\- we just haven't found it yet!"  
  
"I agree these events do not fit the Dark Lord's usual style," Severus admitted  
grudgingly. "For one thing, I believe any magical retribution he might unleash  
before his death would be far more destructive and on a much larger scale. For  
another, not all of the events have posed a threat. By all reports, the  
three-headed dog has not attacked anyone, merely stood guard as if taking the  
place of the Dementors. The trees encroaching on Hogwarts are troublesome,  
certainly, but they have not caused any harm, and I have not seen any  
documentation of the acromantulas hurting anyone." He paused, considering the  
nature of the beasts in question. "Not yet, at any rate. But it is quite odd  
that they have not considering how close they have moved to the castle." He  
tapped his chin, mulling it over. "Did you say Hagrid claims they are guarding  
the castle? If that is indeed what they are doing, we now have two places being  
guarded rather than threatened."  
  
"True... although acromantulas don't strike me as being the most likely guards,"  
Remus said, shaking his head.  "So if it's not something the Dark Lord did,  
perhaps it is random?  The remnants of  
the Death Eaters are scattered and on the run, so I don't think it has anything  
to do with them.  And I can't think of anyone else who might have the power  
or the reason to bring about such manifestations.  Maybe Voldemort's death  
did trigger something, something unintentional?  There was a lot of power  
released in the battle.  But I have read up on Albus' defeat of  
Grindelwald, which was also rather spectacular.  Nothing like this happened  
after that!  As far as I have been able to determine, nothing like this has

ever happened before.  And believe me,  
if it had The Quibbler would have written  
about it!"  
  
"Because everything written in The Quibbler  
is true," Severus retorted scathingly. "At this point, I have no more ideas  
about who, why, or how than you do. I want to research the various  
manifestations and see if I can find any connections between them -  
mythological, magical, anything. However, my library was ransacked, and I am  
left with few useful books at my disposal. I need access to a decent library if  
I am going to continue with this investigation."  
  
"I didn't say it was true, but you can believe that when strange things

 _are_ going on, they jump all over it."  Remus was amused  
rather than upset by Severus' comment.  Then he glanced around the room,  
noting that indeed, there were more than just books missing from Severus'  
house.  "I'll see what I can do about the library; I've already been  
through the Restricted Section at Hogwarts, and there was surprisingly little  
that could shed light on things.  But perhaps there is another  
option."  He thought about the library at Grimmauld Place; perhaps, if he  
could get Ron and Hermione's approval - or at least their sufferance - he could  
bring Severus there; if ever a place had books on Dark Magic and its  
applications, that was it.  He made a mental note to bring it up to  
Hermione, who seemed far more sympathetic to Remus' involvement with Severus  
than Ron did.  
  
Severus nodded, satisfied. Either Lupin would find a way to gain access to a  
decent library, and Severus would be able to continue researching the puzzle -  
which he had to admit intrigued him on an intellectual level even if he wasn't  
personally invested thanks to the Furies being after him - or Lupin would not,  
and Severus could go his way and be left in peace at last. For once, he found  
himself in a situation that did not force him to choose between a rock and a  
hard place.  
  
"Very well," he said, drawing himself up. "That is all I have to report. Our  
business is finished now."  
  
Remus gave Severus brief, feral smile, eyes flashing golden before he  
schooled himself to a calmer expression. "It is, for now," Remus replied, his  
voice a slow drawl, deep and rich with a growling undertone as the wolf  
responded to the dismissive tone. "I will be back for the potion, of course, and  
I'll bring the rest of the payment then. And you are always free to ask me by to  
discuss... business. I will be happy to drop whatever I am doing in order to  
meet any needs you might possibly have, Severus. Any at all."  
  
"If I have anything to report, I will do so by owl post," Severus said  
haughtily, the innuendo going straight over his head. "I will not have any need  
of you unless you actually manage to figure out where I may continue the  
research, so kindly leave me alone. I have no desire to deal with you unless it  
is absolutely necessary."  
  
He could still feel a prickle of heat in his cheeks, but he fought to quell his  
wayward urges; he had done so when he was an adolescent, and he would do so  
again now. He would not be controlled by hormones, especially not when they  
urged him to fall into Lupin's arms!  
  
"Of course, Severus," Remus replied softly, lips still curved up in a slight  
smile. Severus' words were daunting, perhaps, but the tell-tale flush on  
Severus' cheeks and the betraying warmth of his scent told a different story  
entirely. Remus would just have to keep being persistent, and not let any  
setbacks stand in the way.  
  
Standing, Remus resisted the urge to press his luck and try to touch Severus  
again. Instead he settled for a nod, then turned away, intentionally rolling his  
hips a bit and emphasizing the smoothness of his normal gait as he headed for  
the front door. He would be back, and soon. Or at least sooner than Severus  
would probably like.

* * *

  
It hadn't been easy, but Remus had done it. Now he only hoped that Severus would  
appreciate his efforts.  
  
Any normal person would, after all. Remus had gone to considerable effort to  
sweet-talk, cajole, flatter, and outright bribe a few people in the Ministry of  
Magic to get access to Severus' personal effects, the ones that had remained at  
Hogwarts when Severus had fled after Albus' death. The idea had come to him as  
he had stood in his room in Grimmauld Place, staring at the bare walls and  
nearly-empty shelves, sparsely populated with his own few meager possessions. He  
remembered the night that Severus had left Hogwarts, and it occurred to him that  
Severus had had no time to collect anything that might have mattered to him, not  
in the insanity of the Death Eater attack and the events which had  
followed.  Severus' house at Spinner's End was sparse indeed, and Severus'  
comments about his ransacked library only made it more obvious.  
  
Remus had very little, but what he did have meant a lot to him, reminders of  
happy times that could never be replaced. Severus was hardly as sentimental as  
Remus, but he was still only human; surely there had been things that mattered  
to him, left behind and forgotten, but still valuable to the man who had once  
owned them. So Remus had set about finding them and acquiring them, and now he  
stood on the doorstep of Spinner's End once again, bearing a peace offering and  
hoping that maybe, just maybe, he might have finally done something that would  
convince Severus that Remus did care about him.  
  
The items were not bulky, shrunken as they were in Remus' pockets, and Remus  
smiled to himself as he raised his hand and knocked. Somehow, he had a decided  
urge to ask "Trick or Treat?" but he doubted that Severus would appreciate the  
humor.  
  
Severus sighed in resignation when he peered out the window and saw Lupin  
standing on the doorstep. Again. Fortunately, Severus was dressed this time,  
buttoned up in his austere black robes rather than just his dressing gown, and  
when he stomped to the entrance hall and flung open the door, he scowled down at  
Lupin.  
  
"What now?" he snapped, not bothering to hide his annoyance at the interruption.  
"I thought you had a job, Lupin. Surely you have better things to do than pester  
me constantly."  
  
"Lovely to see you too, Severus," Remus said mildly, lips quirking up in a faint  
smile at how Severus' grumbling now seemed almost endearing. "And I wasn't aware  
that several days constituted 'constantly', but annoyance, like beauty, is in  
the eye of the beholder I suppose. I do, however, have better things to do than  
pester you. If you invite in me, in fact, I think you may even like what I've  
come to give you."  
  
"Something you could have sent by owl and spared me the onerous burden of your  
presence, no doubt," Severus replied, his lip curling in a derisive sneer. "How  
many times do I have to tell you that I don't want you coming here? Not that  
what I want matters to you at all. Typical, that."  
  
He folded his arms, more than half-tempted to hex Lupin and slam the door in his  
face, but the Calming Concoction helped him retain control over his temper  
enough to realize he might as well let Lupin in and get the ordeal over with. If  
he didn't, Lupin would be back, and the sooner Lupin fulfilled whatever errand  
he had, he would be gone, and Severus would be left in peace once more.  
  
"Be quick about it. I have work to do, and you're keeping me from it," he said,  
moving aside with grudging reluctance.  
  
Remus raised a brow at the easy - well, relatively easy at least - acquiescence,  
but he didn't question it. Perhaps Severus was starting to tolerate him better,  
which would be a blessing.  
  
Moving inside, Remus went immediately to the parlor and began to pull the  
shrunken boxes out of his robes, setting them carefully on the floor. Then he  
pulled his wand, muttering the charm to enlarge them back to normal size. "I  
believe these belong to you," he said quietly, putting away his wand and  
stepping back. "Perhaps you won't care about them after all, but you should have  
them nonetheless."  
  
Severus eyed the boxes and then Lupin with suspicion; he had no idea what Lupin  
could be referring to since all of his remaining possessions were in this house,  
and he wondered if Lupin had made a mistake, or if this was some kind of trick.  
  
Drawing his wand, he knelt and ran it along the seal of the first box, opening  
it carefully as if expecting something to spring out and attack him, but inside  
were only clothes. His clothes, he realized with a jolt. He'd been fortunate  
that he kept a few spare robes at Spinners End for the holidays, because he'd  
been forced to leave everything behind when he fled Hogwarts, but here were his  
old clothes.  
  
"Where did you get these?" He lifted out his dress robes, made of black velvet  
with silver knotwork buttons that were now tarnished and dingy, and he smoothed  
his hand along the fabric; they were the nicest robes he had, his only dress  
robes, bought when he could afford little luxuries. Gone were the days when he  
could afford anything as nice as these; gone were the days when he had any use  
for dress robes. "I thought these clothes had been long since discarded."  
  
With a faint smile, Remus shrugged slightly. "They weren't discarded, unless you  
think being stuck in the basement of the Ministry and forgotten qualifies. I  
thought about how much what I have - as little as it is - means to me, and it  
occurred to me that probably no one had thought to give you back your things  
from Hogwarts. So I tracked them down and brought them here. I can't guarantee  
that everything is there, since I don't have any idea if it's true or not. But  
this is everything the Ministry says was yours. I would like to think since the  
good guys won the war, they are actually telling the truth."  
  
Remus' eyes followed the slide of Severus' hand over the rich velvet, then he  
had to banish visions of those long, slender fingers running over his own skin.  
His voice was husky, however, when he cleared his throat to speak.  
  
"I hope it helps, at least a bit. I know I can't give you back everything you  
lost in the war, but I wanted to give you what little I could."  
  
Severus' features hardened, and his expression grew even more closed off than  
usual as he stuffed the robes back into the box. "Who would think to give back  
the belongings of a murderer?" he said, bitterness lacing his voice. "I had  
assumed everything had been tossed in the bin as soon as possible or perhaps  
burnt in effigy."  
  
Opening the second box, he found a collection of his equipment from his  
workroom, tools that he had used in the classroom and in his own private  
brewing. He picked up a ladle, running his forefinger over a dent in the spoon,  
made when he had banged it on Longbottom's desk in a fit of frustration over the  
boy's latest failure. And there was a paring knife given to him one Christmas by  
Albus, its handle engraved with an ornate snake, the weight of it familiar in  
his hand. Seeing it made his throat close up, and he dropped it and closed the  
box quickly, pushing it aside.  
  
"They're just things," he said gruffly, turning away so Lupin couldn't see the  
flash of emotion in his eyes. "Detritus of a life long past. Nothing can bring  
back what the war cost me."  
  
"Of course not," Remus said softly, feeling a surge of sympathy. Not pity, not  
at all, but Severus had suffered so much, and Remus wished that somehow he could  
take that pain away, if only for a little while.  
  
Moving slowly, Remus walked up behind Severus and tentatively rested his hand on  
Severus' shoulder, squeezing lightly. "But sometimes things are valuable not so  
much for what they are, but the memories they hold. Not your life, but a small  
bit of it. I just wanted... well. I just wanted to show that I cared for all you  
had lost."  
  
Shrugging Lupin's hand off, Severus rose to his feet and moved away, putting  
some distance between them. After the odd reactions he'd experienced the last  
time Lupin touched him, he wasn't keen on risking the same thing happening  
again.  
  
"I don't know what your game is, Lupin," he said, glancing sidelong at Lupin  
with dark eyes narrowed in suspicion, "But I don't trust you. You have no reason  
to care for me, and you have never exhibited any concern for me before now. I am  
not a charity case, nor am I a substitute for your little 'pack' simply because  
I am alive and they are all dead. Go and pester someone who wants your attention  
and leave me alone."  
  
"I have exhibited concern for you before now," Remus said, shaking his head and  
sighing, wondering what miracle it would take to ever get through to Severus.  
Perhaps he was crazy to care, crazy to even try. He shrugged, on the verge of  
giving up for now. Giving up again. "I guess you must have forgotten the last  
battle of the war? If you must know, that's what changed things, and that's why  
I did what I did then and why I'm doing what I am now. I realized that I didn't  
want you to die. Idiotic of me, no doubt, but there it is. I'm not here because  
of charity, or because I think of you as a substitute for those I have lost."  
  
Severus closed his eyes and pressed his fingertips against his temple, trying -  
and failing - to remember that day. All that remained in his memory of that  
battle were vague flashes of memory, nothing concrete, nothing that reminded him  
of what Lupin was alluding to.  
  
"If you must know, I _have_ forgotten that day," he retorted, his tone  
clipped. He hated admitting that he couldn't remember, hated admitting anything  
like a weakness, but he wasn't about to let Lupin sit there on his high horse.  
"I remember being summoned and arriving at the site of the battle. After that, I  
remember nothing but a few fleeting images that make little sense until I woke  
up in St. Mungo's, days later."  
  
"You helped weaken Voldemort so he could be killed," Remus said quietly,  
thinking that it was probably time that Severus did know what had happened. "You  
were brilliant, firing curses on the Death Eaters and laying waste to them while  
Voldemort was being dispatched. Then you reached Voldemort, and you started  
attacking his corpse over and over again, like a man possessed. That's when I  
came up and took you, so that neither side could get to you. I didn't know what  
else to do, because you were obviously not... yourself. I took you to St.  
Mungo's, hoping they could help you. It killed me to leave you there, but I  
didn't know what else to do. To be honest, I have rarely felt so helpless and  
useless in my entire life."  
  
Severus listened, feeling as if he were hearing a story of something that had  
happened to someone else; it may as well have, for all the recollection he had  
of it, although it gave him some amount of grim satisfaction to think that he  
had helped bring about the Dark Lord's downfall.  
  
"They didn't help," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "As soon as I was  
lucid, they summoned the Aurors to collect me, and I was taken to Azkaban  
without being given any kind of medical treatment." He stopped short of  
admitting that his lucidity had come and gone for several days afterward while  
he awaited his trial.  
  
He frowned as he stared at Lupin, bewildered. Had his temper not been blunted by  
the potion, he might have grown angry and lashed out, but as it was, he was more  
puzzled than angry. He didn't understand why Lupin had bothered to save him or  
had wanted to help him; it didn't make any more sense now than it had a few  
minutes ago, and he shook his head, unable to comprehend Lupin's behavior.  
  
"Why did you do it? Why didn't you just leave me? Anyone else would have."  
  
"Why?" Remus didn't know whether to chuckle or sigh. Hadn't he told Severus why  
a million times? He cared, he kept saying that he cared, but Severus just wasn't  
listening. At least not with his ears.  
  
Perhaps it was time to stop talking, then. Actions were supposed to speak louder  
than words, after all.  
  
Stepping close to Severus, Remus slid a hand behind Severus' neck and rose up on  
his toes to press their lips together in a warm, firm kiss. No doubt Severus  
would hex him off the planet for doing it, but from the moment their mouths met,  
Remus no longer cared.  
  
Severus froze, too stunned to react at first; his mind was flooded with static,  
and he struggled to think, struggled to breathe as Lupin kissed him. Righteous  
indignation flared up, demanding that he shove Lupin away and hex him to hell  
and back for daring to accost Severus, and his hands flew up to Lupin's  
shoulders as if to do just that.  
  
But somehow, he didn't. He didn't want to be kissed, especially not by Lupin,  
but as it had the last time, his body seemed to have plans of its own, plans  
that involved Lupin touching him. His fingers curled into fists, and a soft  
noise of protest escaped his throat, but he couldn't manage to pull away no  
matter how much he wanted to, and worse, he found himself leaning forward as if  
he were on the verge of pressing against Lupin, seeking the heat and solid  
comfort of Lupin's body.  
  
The touch of Severus' lips was like an electric shock, and the sound Severus  
made sent tingles of pure delight coursing down Remus' spine. The reluctant way  
that Severus seemed to be almost cooperating gave Remus a surge of fierce  
satisfaction, and he pressed close to Severus, aligning them so that he could  
feel the delicious angles of Severus' body against his.  
  
Remus deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue across Severus' lips for a heady  
taste. He wrapped his free arm around Severus' waist and smoothed his hand along  
Severus' back while he moved his other hand from behind Severus' neck,  
unbuttoning a few of the buttons of Severus' collar. With a soft sound of  
satisfaction, he slid his fingers beneath the concealing cloth, caressing the  
warm skin at the side of Severus' throat, just where neck met shoulder.  
 __  
Oh, bugger... Severus had never been held like this, had never felt another  
body aligned with his, and it was both amazing and disconcerting to realize how  
well Lupin fit against him; Lupin's body was solid and warm, and Severus had the  
oddest urge to wind his arms around Lupin and cling to him, to savor the  
fleeting comfort and safety that only the embrace of another person could offer.  
  
And then Lupin unbuttoned his collar and touched him  
there, caressing that spot and making his  
knees turn to water; he moaned softly into the kiss, his lips parting and  
inadvertently admitting Lupin's seeking tongue. That was a cold splash of  
reality; Severus had never had anyone's tongue in his mouth, and he didn't have  
the faintest idea of what to do with this one.  
  
What was one meant to do under these circumstances? Suck it? Touch it with one's  
own tongue? There hardly seemed to be enough room for both to move around, and  
it would get wet and messy rather quickly if they did. He supposed he could  
always bite down and hex the hell out of Lupin for accosting him, but while his  
mind was enthusiastic about that option, his body and his damned reawakened  
libido outvoted it.  
  
Instead, he curled his fingers into the sleeve of Lupin's robes and held himself  
still, not resisting Lupin's exploration, but not venturing to try anything  
either. He could feel his face growing hot, his cheeks as flushed with  
embarrassed uncertainty as his body was flushed with growing arousal, heat  
detonating within him and spreading its fiery tendrils throughout his entire  
body and igniting his blood.  
  
Severus' lips parted, and Remus immediately accepted the silent invitation,  
exploring Severus' mouth with eager hunger. Desire spiraled high and hot, but  
something, some instinct, held Remus back. He paused, trying to figure out what  
it was that set off alarm bells about the kiss, and with a gentle nip of  
Severus' lip, he pulled back, smiling at the sight of Severus' wet, pinkened  
lips, flushed cheeks, and wide eyes.  
  
"You taste good," Remus said, voice soft and husky. He continued to caress  
Severus' neck with his thumb, not wanting to lose the contact between them.  
Amber eyes searched Severus' face, and the sight of the hesitancy in Severus'  
eyes gave him pause. It seemed to be deeper than Severus merely fighting an  
unwilling attraction, and Remus wondered with a slight thrill if inexperience  
was causing Severus' uncharacteristic quiescence.  
  
The compliment caused another rush of heat to flood Severus' face, and he looked  
away, not knowing how to respond to the pretty words, especially since he didn't  
believe them. He was still stunned that Lupin had kissed him, too stunned to  
muster enough venom to rail at Lupin for trying to use him or treat him like a  
charity case when he knew damned well no one in their right mind would desire  
him. Obviously, Lupin assumed he would be so pathetically grateful and desperate  
that he would fall into bed with the first person who offered, but that wasn't  
the case.  
  
But the slow stroking of Lupin's thumb on his neck was sending little shudders  
down the length of his spine and making it difficult for him to think  
coherently, thus all vitriol withered on his tongue unuttered. Instead he peered  
at Lupin through lowered lashes, trying desperately to ignore the tight little  
ache of loneliness and longing in his chest. He didn't need anyone, damn it,  
least of all Lupin.  
  
The way Severus seemed so quiet, looking at Remus through shyly lowered eyes  
caused Remus to hold his breath, stunned. Severus Snape was hardly the type to  
be coy, and the way Severus stood, seemingly attracted and yet uncertain, struck  
Remus as not being the reaction of an experienced man. Could it be that Severus,  
who had always seemed to push everyone away, had pushed away potential lovers as  
well?  
  
The thought made the wolf rise up, fiercely protective and equally possessive.  
Severus deserved so much more than he had gotten, more than Severus himself  
believed. Tenderness was something that Severus would shun, but Remus couldn't  
help feeling it, not when he had the evidence of Severus' inexperience trembling  
in his arms.  
  
Leaning forward, Remus pressed a tender, lingering kiss against Severus' lips  
and another at the curve of Severus' neck as he had wished to do before. Then he  
looked up into Severus' eyes, his expression somber. "I know you don't seem to  
believe me, but the reason I helped you at the battle, the reason that I have  
come back again and again, the reason I want you to live is because I care about  
you. You not believing it isn't going to change what I feel. I want to be here  
for you, Severus. I want to care for you. You deserve to be cared for, not  
because of sympathy or pity, but because you do deserve it."  
  
The kiss to his neck made Severus' breath catch, and he shuddered, his knees  
once again going weak, but Lupin's words were as effective as any ice water;  
knocked off-balance by this bizarre turn of events, Severus found his defenses  
shaky, and he couldn't seem to muster the necessary wrath to yell and chase  
Lupin away with harsh, hurtful words.  
  
"I don't." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and he  
grimaced and shook his head. "I don't," he repeated quietly, his voice weary  
with resignation. "And I don't want you to care for me or to take care of me. I  
don't care about you, Lupin, and I will not use you or anyone else as I have  
been used."  
  
"You aren't using me, nor could you use me," Remus said, shaking his head in  
return. "I know you don't feel anything for me, Severus, but again, that doesn't  
change what I feel for you. And you do deserve to be cared for, no matter what  
you think. You have sacrificed for years, suffered so much for one poor decision  
made in your youth. You're not guilty, Severus. You need to forgive yourself and  
give yourself permission to be happy. I know that my forgiveness won't mean a  
thing until you believe that you've paid enough. But trust me, as someone who  
has tried for years to make up for things that I have done, you have."  
  
Severus unclenched his fingers from Lupin's sleeves and leaned away from Lupin,  
averting his face as he tried to pull away from the embrace and put a safe  
distance between them. Lupin's words hurt, part of him longing to believe  
forgiveness was possible even for him, but the rest of him soundly rejecting the  
notion as an impossibility. There was a world of difference between the things  
Lupin had done and the things Severus had done.  
  
"Even if I wanted you to take care of me - whatever that means - how can you say  
I wouldn't be taking advantage of you? I will not do that. I've had my fill of  
it for one lifetime."  
  
Remus held on to Severus, not wanting to let him go. He sensed that they were at  
an important crossroads, and that where their relationship - if one could call  
it that - would go from here might be hanging in the balance. Somehow he didn't  
think that Severus could be neutral about what had happened between them once  
the heat of the moment had passed. It would either infuriate Severus to the  
point of hexing Remus and shutting him out, or maybe, hopefully, it would change  
Severus' stubborn disbelief.  
  
"Taking care of you means helping you in any way I can, being here for you. To  
talk, or to yell, or to do anything that you need. To ease your pain and your  
loneliness if I can by showing you that I understand what it's like. I lost  
everything too, Severus, once upon a time. I've been in a place in my life where  
one kind word, the sight of one smile meant just for me would have meant more to  
me than all the money in the world."  
  
Giving a slight smile, Remus caressed Severus' neck again. "As to how I can say  
that it wouldn't be using me... well, the times that you were used, you had to  
do something that you hated, and you had no choice in the matter. You can't use  
me when it is my choice, when you have been honest about how you feel and I want  
to stay anyway. That makes the difference, Severus. It makes all the  
difference."  
  
Severus scowled, annoyed by how difficult it was to think rationally when Lupin  
kept stroking his neck; he hated himself for losing control, for reacting to  
Lupin's touch, for showing any vulnerability, however slight, but he was caught  
in this strange moment, unable to wrest back control no matter how much he might  
want it. His desire was in direct conflict with his desire to stop fighting and  
lean into the embrace, and he didn't know which way to go.  
  
He had struggled alone for so long, bearing each burden in solitude with no one  
to help or offer a respite. Now someone was offering, and he was afraid to  
accept, too accustomed to his solitude to feel safe in giving it up and letting  
someone near. Distrust made him wary, but there was a small, wounded part of him  
that wanted to take shelter in someone's arms, to feel an end to the loneliness  
and isolation if only for a while, to feel as if he had a haven where he was  
completely safe for the first time in his life.  
  
But was that haven with Lupin? A werewolf, an enemy... He didn't want to trust  
Lupin, but Lupin had saved his life twice - which meant he was indebted to Lupin  
\- and as annoying and pushy as Lupin had been, Severus had to admit Lupin had  
tried to help him. It was terrifying to think of taking such a risk; he had  
cared and trusted before, and all it had brought him was more pain. He wasn't at  
all sure this time would be any different. But he was so tired of being utterly  
alone...  
  
"Very well," he said quietly, reaching up to clamp his hand around Lupin's wrist  
and draw it away from his neck. "But you will not kiss me again, and you will  
stop touching me, especially like that."  
  
Remus' eyes widened as Severus capitulated, but he smiled, a slow, wide smile of  
genuine pleasure. Severus' little qualification about no kissing or touching was  
not precisely what Remus would have liked to hear, but it paled beside the fact  
that Severus was willing to let Remus in. That was a huge change, and Remus was  
willing to wait and let things develop. No doubt Severus' words stemmed at least  
in part from his inexperience, but Remus was encouraged by Severus' initial  
response to the kiss. They had time now.  
  
He gave Severus a final, gentle squeeze, then pulled away slowly, moving back  
out of Severus' personal space. "All right," he said softly, continuing to  
smile. "Thank you, Severus. Thank you for letting me in."  
  
Wrapping his arms around himself, Severus stepped back and regarded Lupin with a  
somber expression, vulnerability lurking in the depths of his eyes. "Don't make  
me regret it, Lupin," he said, his voice quiet but firm. It was a command, not a  
request, and he would make Lupin pay dearly indeed if Lupin pulled him in and  
then betrayed him.  
  
The vulnerability tore at Remus, and his smile faded. He looked at Severus  
soberly and nodded. "I promise you won't regret it, Severus. I don't want to  
hurt you. I don't want anything or anyone to hurt you ever again."  
  
The absurdity of that statement helped Severus to rally, and he gave a derisive  
snort at the very idea of Lupin being his staunch protector from all harm. "You  
can't possibly manage that, Lupin, and I don't expect you to try. Just manage  
yourself."  
  
Remus chuckled again. Trust Severus to not be able to accept anything at face  
value. "All right, I will," he said. "And since I must manage myself, namely by  
getting to work tomorrow, I shall take myself home now to get some sleep. Don't  
worry, I can see myself out."  
  
He headed toward the foyer, but in the doorway, he stopped and turned around to  
looks at Severus once again. His eyes traveled to the boxes on the floor before  
he looked into Severus' eyes. "Let me know if anything of yours is missing, and  
I'll try to track it down. I can't make any promises, but at least I'll give it  
my best try. Good night, Severus... and thank you."  
  
With that Remus left, feeling much happier than he had in a very, very long  
time.

* * *

  
_Severus lay curled on his side with his hands tucked beneath his chin; he_ was only dozing, caught in the twilight realm between sleep and wakefulness, but he was too mired in sleep to do more than stir when he felt the covers shift and the mattress dip with the weight of another body in his bed.  
  
He knew it was his lover, thus there was no cause for alarm, and the feel of a warm, solid body molding against his back confirmed it. He was safe.  
  
Gentle fingers combed his hair back from his face; warm lips pressed kisses to his bare shoulder. He expected his lover to prepare him and take him, and he wriggled back against his lover, silently inviting, but even though he could feel his lover's arousal, no seduction was forthcoming.  
  
Instead, his lover's hands roamed his body, petting and stroking with tender affection, as if offering a comforting balm to soothe the ache of loneliness and loss knotted in Severus' chest, and he found himself relaxing despite himself. It felt good to lie in someone's arms with no agenda or expectations, just quiet comfort and connection...  
  
He woke, clutching his pillow and half-expecting to feel someone pressed against him, but the other side of his bed was empty and cold as it always was. There was no one to hold him or touch him. No one had held him or offered comfort since his mother's death; he was alone.  
  
Burrowing against his pillow, he curled himself into a tight ball, trying to put the dream out of his mind. It was nothing but a dream, one that would never become reality. But the dream haunted him, and he kept thinking of Lupin's last visit. Lupin had kissed him, had professed to want to take care of Severus in spite of their history, and had he been in a less melancholy frame of mind, Severus might have found it amusing that such an offer had come from someone he had distrusted, disliked, and considered an enemy almost as long as they had known each other. Yet he had agreed to allow Lupin into his life - a sure sign that isolation had driven him mad, he thought with a mirthless laugh.  
  
But it wasn't as if he had choices. Lupin was the only one who wanted to see him. They were both half-bloods, both no strangers to poverty and frugality, both marginalized because they had been touched by darkness. It was, he thought, typical of the way his entire life had gone that the one person he least wanted in his life was the one most suitable to be in it - and was the one who wanted to be in it.  
  
For one wild moment, Severus wished he could spend the rest of his life asleep; in his dreams, he was treasured. In his dreams, it wasn't so difficult to trust. He had a lover who desired him, and he was able to accept that desire without suspicion about motives or duplicity.  
  
He released a shuddery sigh, his eyes burning as the ache within him spread out to fill his chest, constricting his lungs and closing his throat. His dream lover didn't exist; there was no one who would ever care for him the way his dream lover did or make him feel the way he did in his dreams. It was a torturous fantasy that would make his melancholy and isolation far worse if he dwelled on it, and even if his options weren't so limited, there was no one in the waking world whom he wanted the way he wanted his dream lover, thus it was best if he forgot about the fantasy and focused on reality, dealing with the world the way it was rather than the way he wished it could be.  
  
Closing his eyes, he forced all thoughts of dreams and people out of his mind, focusing on his plans for the future, the one thing that made his miserable existence bearable. He thought about all the difference places in the world where he could go to escape this prison. The Furies might follow, but at least he would be away from a place where too many people hated him, where he was known only as a murderer, reviled and unforgiven. He could protect himself against the Furies, but he could never escape the accusation in the eyes of those who looked at him with disdain.  
  
Each night, he chose a different place; tonight, it was Brazil. He would have to adjust to the hotter climate, but it would be worth it. He could search for rare plants and herbs and devote his time to developing new potions using them. Perhaps he could find a remote wizarding village and settle down there, growing tan as he put his old life behind him for good. He would take a new name, and perhaps he might even find a Brazilian wizard to keep company with. Someone tall with dark hair and dark skin...  
  
_But not warm golden eyes_ , his traitorous mind whispered.  
  
He told that annoying little voice to shut the hell up, flipped over, punched his pillow, and finally drifted off to sleep with thoughts of rain forests, toucans and tree frogs dancing in his head.  



	9. Chapter 9

When he heard the knock on his door   
this time, Severus knew it wasn't Lupin. Lupin's way of knocking was not nearly   
so forceful and demanding; this was the knock of someone who was accustomed   
to banging on doors to get the occupants' attention, and Severus wasn't surprised   
when he peeked out the window and saw Kingsley Shacklebolt on his doorstep.   
He wasn't best pleased, either. Judging by the expression on Shacklebolt's face,   
this was not a social call, and for a moment, Severus wondered if the Ministry   
had trumped up some charges so he could be arrested and thrown in prison again.  
  
Forcing down the trepidation he felt at the thought, he strode to the door and   
flung it open. If Shacklebolt was here to arrest him, so be it. He was tired   
of running, and he hadn't done anything wrong - not this time, at any rate.   
"What do you want?" he demanded, fixing Shacklebolt with a quelling look as   
if this visit was an imposition on his valuable time.  
  
"I want to know what your game is, Snape," Shacklebolt said, matching Severus   
glare for glare. "Why are you doing this? How did you get Remus to trust you   
again? Did you bribe him with the Wolfsbane Potion?"  
  
"I didn't offer him anything." Severus drew himself up proudly. "He   
approached me. I didn't want to be dragged   
into this mess. I wanted to be left alone. He was the one who decided I ought   
to be brought in as a consultant, so if you have a problem with that, you need   
to take it up with Lupin."  
  
"We don't need your help!" Shacklebolt shook his head vehemently. "Remus may   
be willing to forgive and forget, but the rest of us aren't. We haven't forgotten   
the kind of treachery you're capable of."  
  
"Of course not." Severus rubbed his temple, feeling a headache coming on. He   
didn't want to have this confrontation again; he didn't want to be in this position   
again; he wanted to leave this place and these people and escape the accusations   
forever. He didn't want to bother trying to defend himself because it wouldn't   
do any good, and he wasn't certain if he believed it himself anyway. That was   
the problem: he agreed with those who scorned and vilified him. "Take it up   
with Lupin," he said wearily. "I am a free man, and I do not answer to you or   
anyone else in the Order anymore."  
  
"I will!" Shacklebolt exclaimed. "If it's the Wolfsbane Potion he wants, we'll   
find someone else to brew it for him. You won't have that hold over him any   
longer."  
  
Severus made a noise that might have been a rough bark of laughter coming from   
anyone else, but there was no amusement in it. "The potion isn't why he keeps   
coming round."  
  
"Then what is?" Shacklebolt eyed him distrustfully, radiating hostility.  
  
"Damned if I know. If you find out, come back and explain it to me." With that,   
Severus stepped back and shut the door in Shacklebolt's face.  
  
It was getting to be a habit, closing doors in the faces of former colleagues   
in the Order. Deep down, he found it rather satisfying.  
  


* * *

  
It had all started in Scotland, and Remus decided that it was probably  
time that they paid the sight of the basilisk attack a visit.  
  
Or at least that was Remus' rationale as he approached Spinner's End once again,  
intent on having Severus accompany him on an outing. Their relationship had  
definitely taken an upward turn after their last meeting, but Remus had decided  
not to owl Severus in advance of his visit. There was no sense taking a risk of  
Severus turning him down, and it would put to the test Severus' intentions in  
honoring his concession to let Remus be around him.  
  
Severus seemed to be improving, bit by bit. He still wasn't healed from the  
horrible traumas he had suffered in the war, not by a long shot, but Remus was  
both pleased and impressed at the steps forward that Severus had taken. It  
wasn't easy, and Remus knew well the compulsion to hole up and shut out the pain  
of the world. Severus was at least trying, and that more than anything made  
Remus hopeful that eventually Severus could find the healing he needed and  
deserved.  
  
Whistling softly - the sound entirely too cheerful, perhaps, for the dreary  
neighborhood - Remus mounted the steps and knocked on the door, then stood  
waiting, an unconscious smile on his lips.  
  
When he looked out the window and saw Lupin standing on his doorstep, Severus  
grimaced; he was surprised Lupin hadn't taken advantage of his concession the  
last time they met and pestered him sooner, but he was relieved to have a  
respite from dealing with pushy, emotionally demanding Gryffindors. Between his  
difficult meeting with Shacklebolt and those damned dreams, Severus wasn't  
feeling up to yet another confrontation; he could lay aside his armor when he  
was alone with only Fawkes to keep him company, but the minute someone stepped  
through the door, he had to don it again, and it grew heavier with every wear.  
  
But as he approached the front door, he drew himself up and squared his  
shoulders, shoring up his defenses in preparation for the inevitable battle.  
Flinging open the door, he gazed down at Lupin with a neutral, almost blank  
expression. Since he had - foolishly - agreed to let Lupin "take care of him",  
he couldn't glare and demand that Lupin go away, but it didn't mean he had to  
pretend he was thrilled about the intrusion either.  
  
"What now?" he asked, hoping whatever business that brought Lupin here was  
brief.  
  
"Hullo, Severus," Remus replied, his smile fading slightly as he saw the  
expression on Severus' face. It set off alarm bells at once for reasons Remus  
couldn't quite name. Perhaps it was because Severus had never failed to glare at  
him before, or maybe it was something else, some deeper instinct, but Remus got  
the impression there was something wrong.  
  
"I was going to ask you if you wanted to come with me to Scotland - to where the  
basilisk attack occurred," he continued, shaking his head. "But I can see you're  
in no mood. May I come in, please? Then you can tell me what has you sheathed in  
ice so thick that you rather resemble Antarctica."  
  
Severus stood aside, surprised by Lupin's remark; it was bad enough that Lupin  
was so intent on turning him into a personal project, but for Lupin to show  
insight into his moods was unsettling. He wasn't pleased or comfortable with the  
thought of Lupin being able to read him too easily, and his instinctive response  
was to offer a denial.  
  
"There is nothing wrong," he said tersely as he closed and locked the door. "If  
you want to go investigate, then go."  
  
Remus made his way to the parlor, taking a place on the sofa and waiting until  
Severus joined him. He thought for a moment, choosing his words with care. It  
wouldn't do to have Severus take offense and become closed off, not when Remus  
felt there was something on Severus' mind. If he couldn't get Severus to share  
it, perhaps he could at least find a way to ease Severus' heart.  
  
"I wanted to go to Scotland, but I wanted to do it with you," Remus began  
quietly. "I'm your friend, Severus, whether you believe it or not. I want to  
help you. If you'd like to talk about it, I am very happy to listen. If you  
don't want to talk about it... well, it's a little more difficult to help, but  
perhaps there is something that would make you feel better? I want to help you,  
Severus. Remember, you said that I could."  
  
Annoyance making him restless, Severus strode over to the fireplace and stood  
with his back to the room, clasping his hands behind his back and avoiding  
looking at Lupin. "Yes, I remember," he said, his voice low and tight and laced  
with bitterness. "Likely you will not let me forget." He shook his head,  
scowling. "There is nothing I wish to talk about."  
  
Talking was useless, and he had no intention of baring his soul to anyone, much  
less Lupin. "There is nothing will make me feel better," he added. Nothing Lupin  
could do or provide, at any rate. The sooner he could escape this place, the  
better, and he only hoped his job here would be finished soon.  
  
All right, then... Severus was in no mood to open up, it seemed. Remus sighed  
and then rose to his feet, moving quietly until he stood behind Severus. Raising  
a hand, he placed in on Severus' shoulder, massaging gently.  
  
"I'm not going to hurt you, Severus," he said, voice low. "I never want to hurt  
you, or have anyone else hurt you, ever again. I wish I could make you trust me,  
because it's true. I wish I knew what to do to help you, what I could say to  
make you believe. I want to give you comfort. I truly want to help you to find  
peace."  
  
Flinching away from the touch, Severus shot a glare over his shoulder. "You  
can't," he snapped. "For God's sake, Lupin, what is it going to take to make you  
realize there is no peace for me to be had here?"  
  
Obviously Severus wasn't going to listen to reason, and Remus drew in another  
sigh. Severus needed comfort, but he wasn't going to give in to that need  
willingly. It was up to Remus, then, to take matters into his own hands.  
  
Taking one of Severus' hands in one of his, Remus pulled, turning Severus around  
to face him, then pulling him toward the sofa. "I'm never going to realize it -  
I'm dense that way, I guess. Eternal optimist, idiot Gryffindor to the bone. But  
I'm also not stupid, and I know pain when I see it."  
  
Remus sat down on the sofa, pulling on Severus' arm until Severus had no choice  
but to sit down beside him. Wary for any gesture toward a wand, Remus wrapped an  
arm around Severus' shoulders, pulling him close. "Relax, Severus. Close your  
eyes if you must. Stop squirming. This is for your own good."  
  
Severus balked, resisting Lupin's efforts to guide him every step of the way,  
but Lupin was stronger, and he had no choice but to let Lupin pull him into an  
embrace. His face flushed red, anger at Lupin for forcing him into unwanted  
physical contact and anger at his traitorous body for reacting to the warm press  
of Lupin against him at war in his chest, and he struggled and squirmed, trying  
in vain to escape.  
  
"I told you not to touch me, damn it!" he squawked, twisting and turning in a  
valiant effort to hold himself away from Lupin and resist the temptation his  
libido was urging him to succumb to.  
  
Memories of his dream rose up unbidden, and he shuddered, remembering the  
comfort of his dream lover's arms around him. It seemed as if Fate was mocking  
him, making the gnawing ache within him flare and spread as he was reminded of  
the harsh difference between dream and reality.  
  
Severus struggled, but Remus had already cast the dice, and he had to see this  
through, because like it or not, Severus damned sure needed comfort more than  
anyone Remus had ever known. Even if Severus would rather slit his own throat  
than to take it. Therefore Remus kept Severus against his side, stroking  
Severus' arms, murmuring soothing nonsense under his breath. If he could just  
get Severus to relax, get Severus to stop fighting it, Remus was sure it could  
help.  
  
Lifting his hand, Remus stroked Severus' hair back from his cheek, keeping his  
motions gentle, unhurried. With tender affection, he continued to sooth Severus  
as best he could, hoping that he could in some way help Severus find some small  
measure of peace.  
  
Severus' strength was no match for Lupin's, and as much as he struggled, he  
couldn't break free of the embrace; Lupin kept stroking and petting him just as  
his dream lover had, and he shuddered, feeling something break deep inside him.  
He couldn't fight, and he was tired - so desperately tired - of trying; with a  
shuddery sigh, he gave up, struggling no longer.  
  
He wanted to remain aloof and immune to the gentle caresses, and he tried to  
remove himself mentally; then it wouldn't matter what Lupin did, because Severus  
simply wouldn't be there and couldn't be affected. Or hurt. But his mind  
wouldn't let him forget that somehow, he was living out his dream, and it was a  
comfort his waking self craved as much as his dream self did.  
  
Damn Lupin, he thought, squeezing his eyes  
shut as he hunched his shoulders and tried to ignore the offered comfort to no  
avail.  
  
Remus felt Severus shudder, and he thought that perhaps Severus relaxed, at  
least a bit. For what it was worth, Severus was no longer actively fighting him,  
and that was a good thing. Progress, no matter how minute.  
  
Keeping up the soothing touches, Remus slowly begin to rock Severus, comforting  
him almost as he would a child. There was something of the child about Severus  
like this; something wounded and hurt that didn't seem willing to trust a  
friendly gesture, because the hand that offered comfort might just as easily  
turn out to offer a slap when it was least expected. All Remus could do was to  
continue to offer that comfort, and hope that at some point Severus would  
realize that Remus was his friend, not his tormentor.  
  
A quote rose up in his mind, something from Shakespeare he remembered from years  
ago. "A wretched soul, bruised with adversity//We bid be quiet when we hear it  
cry//But were we burdened with like weight of pain//As much or more we should  
ourselves complain." He murmured the words softly, continuing to comfort Severus  
as best he could, wishing that he could take Severus' pain into himself, for he  
would bear it without complaint if only he could free Severus of it.  
  
Severus went still at Lupin's words, something in his chest constricting; he  
didn't want to accept that Lupin could and did understand how he felt, but that  
quote reminded him that his denial was meaningless. There was someone who knew,  
who understood without him having to spell it out or say things that would  
reveal his weaknesses.  
 __  
I'm supposed to be strong, damn it, he thought, scowling at himself for  
being weak and needy, but even his strength had its limits, as loath as he was  
to admit it. Lupin was rocking him as if he were a child, and he found it  
soothing in spite of himself; his breath hitched in his chest as he curled in on  
himself, allowing himself to lean against Lupin at last. He was tired, so very  
tired of fighting and struggling to hold himself together and of being strong;  
he wanted a haven, somewhere he could lay down his burdens in safety if only for  
a little while, and even if Lupin wasn't the one he would have chosen, Lupin was  
all he had, and for the moment, it was enough.  
  
When Severus finally gave in, when he leaned against Remus, something within  
Remus melted. At last Severus seemed to trust him, at least some small bit.  
Perhaps it was only for this moment, a moment that might never come again, but  
Remus cherished it, cherished Severus and hoped that somehow he had eased that  
horrible burden Severus carried.  
  
Continuing his gentle motions, Remus hummed an old lullaby. No words, or at  
least none that he could remember, but his mother had used to sing it when he  
was a small child. After a transformation, when Remus was hurting and crying and  
not able to understand why he had to suffer, why he had been the one bearing a  
burden that no one should ever be asked to bear. It had made him feel better,  
somehow. Not the song itself, of course, but the knowledge that there was  
someone to hold him, someone to share. Someone who cared enough to try to ease  
his pain. He gave it to Severus now, as a gift. One that Severus wouldn't  
understand, but Remus hoped he could feel it, feel somewhere deep inside where  
there was a frightened, hurt soul who didn't understand why.  
  
The room was silent save for the snap and crackle of the fire on the hearth and  
Remus' soft, husky voice humming a melody that Severus didn't recognize; by the  
window, Fawkes stirred and shook his feathers before crooning a soft  
counterpoint, and Severus felt a small measure of peace stealing over him like a  
balm.  
  
The same arms that had hoisted him in the air and shook him were now offering  
comfort, and a long-buried part of Severus longed to take it. He knew it was  
unwise; the smart and safe thing to do would be to shore up his defenses, push  
Lupin away, and take care of himself. But in this moment of tenuous peace, he  
didn't want to do the safe thing. So many had people had taken and taken and  
taken from him until he felt hollow, but for once, he was being offered the  
chance to take, to receive something that might help start to fill the emptiness  
within him.  
  
With a slow, quiet sigh, he rested his head on Lupin's shoulder, breathing in  
Lupin's scent, which was warm with a hint of wildness underlying it, reminding  
him of Lupin's wolf. Closing his eyes, he shifted closer, tired of feeling  
empty, tired of feeling nothing but pain and guilt and shame, just plain tired  
and wanting to rest.  
  
It took a definite effort for Remus to keep from reacting in surprise as Severus  
actually relaxed in his arms, as Severus' dark hair tickled his cheek as  
Severus' head came to rest on his shoulder. He did tighten his arms slightly,  
but inside he wanted nothing more that to sweep Severus into his arms, claim  
Severus' mouth with tender passion, to show him that things could be better,  
that Remus cared so much and that he had nothing to fear.  
  
But Remus was certain that would not be the way to proceed, no matter how much  
he desired it. Severus needed to be pushed to accept comfort perhaps, but any  
other pushing would be wrong. Remus was content to offer only comfort with no  
strings attached, because if anyone in the world needed that, it was Severus.  
  
Continuing to hum, Remus moved his head slightly so that he could see Fawkes,  
and his lips curved in a slight smile as he gave the majestic bird a slow nod of  
thanks. Severus would be dead now, no doubt, if not for Fawkes, and Remus felt a  
great swell of gratitude that the phoenix had kept Severus safe, had contributed  
to them getting to this point. Severus was still reluctant to accept his help,  
Remus knew, but he had thawed enough now to take what he needed from Remus for  
now. That was a good thing. Very, very good.  
  
Fawkes dipped his head as if acknowledging the nod and fluttered his wings to  
fluff up his feathers before settling down to doze. Severus was oblivious to the  
exchange, however; comforted by the closeness, Severus set aside his wariness in  
favor of letting himself relax in a way he hadn't since childhood. For once, he  
had put his fierce independence aside and gave himself over to someone else's  
care. It wouldn't last, but for the moment, he had gained a measure of peace,  
and it wasn't long before he sagged against Lupin as he drifted off, his body  
going limp and boneless in Lupin's arms.  
  
Remus hardly dared to breathe, so touched and amazed was he that Severus had  
unbent enough to doze off in his arms. It made his heart swell, and Remus leaned  
his head down, placing a tender kiss against Severus' hair. A direct violation  
of the "no kissing" edict, but Remus couldn't resist the temptation, not when  
Severus for once would accept the gesture quietly.  
  
After a few minutes, it because obvious that Severus had slipped into a rather  
deep slumber, and Remus mused on the options. He didn't want to just leave  
Severus here on the sofa to wake alone at some point and possibly believe he had  
dreamed the whole thing. He didn't want to leave at all, actually, and with a  
small, mischievous smile, he realized that he might not have to. After all, if  
Severus didn't wake up to kick him out, why did he have to go?  
  
For a while longer, Remus savored the sensation of Severus in his arms, but then  
he decided to shift Severus to a more comfortable location. With slow, smooth  
movements, Remus managed to disentangle himself, and then he rose to his feet.  
Turning back to the sofa, he gently scooped Severus up in his arms, wincing  
internally at how light the other man seemed. It was true that Remus was very  
strong, but Severus, for all his imposing height, was still far too thin and was  
no burden at all to his curse-given strength.  
  
Slowly and quietly, Remus made his way up the stairs, careful not to jostle  
Severus on the way. Obviously Severus needed this sleep, his poor, tired body  
finally giving in to a need for healing rest, and Remus meant to see he got it.  
  
The door to the bedroom as open, and Remus entered and moved to the bed, laying  
Severus down upon the covers. Pulling his wand, Remus spelled away Severus'  
shoes, socks, and outermost robes. He hesitated for a moment, then decided to  
leave him in his trousers and undershirt. Severus might not appreciate thinking  
that Remus had stripped him in his sleep, possibly having taken advantage of him  
in some way. It was better to risk a slight amount of discomfort than Severus'  
wrath.  
  
Another flick of his wand transported the duvet from under Severus to over his  
body, and Remus settled it around him gently, tucking Severus in with care,  
stroking tendrils of hair away from his face. Then Remus hesitated again. It was  
so tempting to join Severus in that bed, to hold him and continue to caress him,  
but it definitely seemed like a violation of the unspoken trust Severus had  
placed in him to enter his bed uninvited. So Remus settled for summoning over a  
chair and toed off his own shoes before sitting down right next to the bed,  
reaching out and taking one of Severus' long-fingered, almost delicate hands in  
his. With a small sigh, Remus leaned his head against the back of the chair,  
contemplating both the oddness and wonder of the situation. Severus had relaxed  
enough to fall asleep in Remus' arms, as unlikely as that seemed. It was a  
miracle Remus wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  
  
Turning his head so that he could watch Severus sleep, Remus smiled, and then  
his own eyes drifted closed.  


* * *

  
For the first time in days, Severus didn't dream.  
  
His rest had been fitful enough even before the dreams started, but since then,  
he hadn't slept through the night without waking, aroused and sweating, and he  
had been managing on just a few hours of rest each night, partly because his  
mind wouldn't let him drift off easily to begin with and partly because of those  
damned dreams waking him up.  
  
But he woke up this time to the realization that his dream lover hadn't visited,  
and he had awakened feeling rested rather than randy. There had been no massages  
or seductions in his dreams; he didn't remember dreaming anything at all, just a  
deep, blissful oblivion such as he hadn't experienced since leaving Hogwarts  
over a year ago.  
  
He sighed and shifted beneath the covers, frowning when he felt an unfamiliar  
constriction of clothing with the movement, and he realized he wasn't wearing  
his grey nightshirt. There was also the little matter of his hand, which was  
caught in what felt suspiciously like someone else's hand.  
  
Memories of the previous evening rose up, and his eyes flew open wide when he  
remembered Lupin's visit. Lupin had been determined to force comfort on him, and  
Severus had given in. He remembered Lupin humming, and he remembered growing  
relaxed. He must have fallen asleep, which was surprising. He hadn't slept in  
the presence of someone else without locks and protective spells in place since  
his schooldays, not even when Pettigrew stayed here with him. He had always kept  
his door locked and warded, and he slept with his wand at the ready, not  
trusting Pettigrew in the least, certainly not enough to sleep unguarded around  
him.  
  
Fortunately, it seemed he hadn't anything to worry about; Lupin had left  
Severus' shirt and trousers on and hadn't crawled into bed with him; he was a  
little surprised Lupin hadn't taken advantage of the situation. He cracked his  
eyes open and peered blearily at Lupin, who was asleep in a chair beside the  
bed, his head drooped on his chest and his steady breathing the only sound in  
the room. Perhaps, Severus mused, Lupin wasn't as pushy as he thought.  
  
He remembered their past encounters and gave a silent snort. No, Lupin was just  
as pushy as he thought, but apparently there were limits to the pushiness, and  
climbing into Severus' bed uninvited crossed whatever line Lupin had drawn for  
himself.  
  
His gaze trailed down from Lupin's face along his arm to their joined hands.  
Lupin's fingers were laced with his, relaxed in sleep but showing no inclination  
to let go. Lupin's hand was warm, and Severus knew what strength lay in it. He  
also knew how tender it could be. Lupin's hands had been gentle last night.  
  
His expression turned troubled as he studied their hands. Lupin's skin was fair,  
not sallow like Severus', and the back of his hand was lightly tanned, perhaps a  
residual effect of his time spent in the wild with the werewolves. Severus could  
see dark hair dusting it and a healing scrape on the knuckles. He could feel its  
heat seeping into his. Lupin had held his hand all night - and obviously he had  
not pulled away in his sleep. What did that mean? Moreover, what would Lupin  
make of it?  
  
He swallowed hard, feeling as if something had changed, although he didn't know  
what or how, and he eased his hand free of Lupin's grasp, ready to get up and  
dispel this odd moment and get on with life as he knew it.  
  
Remus stirred as Severus moved, his hand instinctively groping for the lost  
touch. When he was unable to make contact again, he opened his eyes, and he  
blinked sleepily before yawning, raising his hand to cover his mouth. He smiled  
at Severus drowsily, a smile full of fondness.  
  
"Good morning," he said softly, his voice still husky with sleep. "How are you  
doing, Severus? Better, I hope? You slept peacefully enough, it seemed. I'm glad  
of that."  
  
It had been an odd night for Remus. He hadn't been restless, precisely, but he  
had woken several times, and he had spent stretches of time simply watching  
Severus sleep, counting the deep inhalations as Severus' chest slowly rose and  
fell. It had been peaceful, and somehow it made Remus feel even more protective,  
knowing that Severus had trusted him enough to be so vulnerable in his presence.  
If anything, Remus' feelings now were deeper than ever, and he could only hope  
that Severus might someday come to share them.  
  
"I slept well enough," Severus replied, throwing back the covers and rolling out  
of bed. His clothes were wrinkled, and he felt in need of a bath after sleeping  
in them, but he also felt better than he had in a long time. He rolled his neck,  
working out the kinks, and stretched briefly before turning to look at Lupin. "I  
don't imagine you did in that chair."  
  
Remus rose to his feet as well, stretching his arms above his head and twisting  
until his back gave a satisfying series of cracks. "I was fine, really," he  
replied, taking a small step closer to Severus, but leaving enough space that  
Severus wouldn't feel like Remus was crowding him. It was also both sweet and  
unexpected that Severus even gave thought to Remus' comfort, and his smile  
widened.  
  
"I've slept in worse places than that chair, believe me. At least it was padded  
and didn't have vermin crawling over it. Compared to a night spent on the cold  
floor of a cave, it was positively plush." He paused for a moment, and then he  
decided to take a small risk. "Besides, I wasn't here for the accommodations. I  
was here for you."  
  
Severus' expression turned sardonic at that, and he scoffed, as he always did,  
ignoring the small part of himself that wanted to believe, ignoring the memories  
from the night before that suggested Lupin was speaking the simple truth without  
any artifice or ulterior motives.  
  
"I'm fine," he said tersely, although he didn't move away from Lupin, unable to  
forget the warmth of Lupin's hand or the comfort of his embrace. He was torn,  
and he didn't like it; part of him wanted to lash out until he pushed Lupin away  
for good to ensure his own safety, and it was at war with the part that wanted  
to risk accepting what Lupin offered even as terrifying as that was. For lack of  
any clear resolution of what to do, he fell back on manners drummed into him  
from a young age. "I suppose you want breakfast."  
  
It wasn't quite the gracious offer his mum would have made to a guest, but it  
was the best he could do.  
  
"I would love breakfast," Remus said, smiling at Severus with surprised  
gratitude. "But I don't want to put you to any trouble. Why don't you relax,  
maybe take a shower and change, and I'll cook? I have to get to work soon,  
anyway, so I won't be intruding on you for much longer."  
  
Although I would stay if you asked me. In a  
heartbeat. Not that you're likely to do that, are you, Severus? But maybe  
someday...  
  
Severus looked askance at Lupin, debating whether he ought to accept the offer.  
Lupin had said he wanted to take care of Severus, and he supposed cooking  
breakfast fell under that category, but Severus couldn't help but wonder when he  
would be expected to pay for said care and what the price would be. In his  
experience, anything that seemed like a gesture of kindness always incurred  
debt.  
  
"Very well," he said at last. After all that Lupin had already done, Severus was  
already in considerable debt; he just hoped the cost wouldn't be too dear in the  
end.  
  
"All right, then," Remus said. He resisted the urge to lean closer and press a  
kiss to Severus' cheek, although he dearly wished that he could. Instead he  
contented himself with another brief smile, and then he turned and headed  
downstairs while Severus bathed and dressed. Not that he wouldn't have liked to  
stay and watch that particular scene, but pushing, at least on that front, would  
get him nowhere. And more than that, it wouldn't be right.  
  
Once in the kitchen, Remus dug through the ice box and pantry, humming as he put  
together tea and toast, eggs, and sausages. Taking care of Severus was really  
quite enjoyable. No one had ever needed Remus quite in the way that Severus did,  
and Remus took pleasure in it. In a few minutes, it was all ready, and Remus set  
the table, then took some time to cast a cleaning charm on himself,  
straightening his clothes and hair so that he looked presentable. It probably  
wouldn't matter to Severus what he looked like, but Remus couldn't help it. He  
wanted Severus to find him attractive. As attractive as Remus found him.  
  
Severus bathed, taking time to wash his hair and shave, and he told himself that  
it wasn't because he cared about what Lupin thought of his appearance. His hair  
was still short, and he intended to keep it that way, but it wasn't as ragged as  
it had been when he'd done his hack job. But even still, he wasn't anything to  
look at, especially now that his face bore the scars from the Furies' whips; he  
never had been and the scars hardly made a difference, he thought, disgusted  
with himself for bothering to care. His appearance didn't matter; he didn't care  
what Lupin thought, and even if he did... well, he knew how unattractive he was.  
He had heard it often enough that he could never forget.  
  
Buttoning himself into his usual austere robes, he went downstairs and joined  
Lupin in the kitchen, led by the scent of sausage cooking. He found the table  
set and Lupin looking less rumpled than he had, and he took his place at the  
table silently, not knowing what to say.  
  
"I hope you're hungry. I know I am. We never got any dinner," Remus said  
lightly, dishing up the food and allowing his eyes to linger on Severus for a  
long, appreciative moment. It was probably a good thing that Severus didn't know  
how the myriad buttons on his robes made Remus long to undo them slowly,  
sensually, one by one...  
  
Pulling himself abruptly away from that train of thought, Remus smiled and slid  
into the chair across from Severus, pouring out the tea for each of them,  
concentrating on the scent of it rather than the subtle, spicy aroma of a  
freshly bathed Severus. He took a sip, sighing slightly at the familiar,  
stimulating taste of the tea, and he looked at Severus over the rim. "So, do you  
have any plans for today? More research?" The question was idle, but Remus was  
curious. If only he could scrap everything and just spend time with Severus,  
just like this.  
  
"I need to brew and bottle the Wolfsbane potion for you to deliver," Severus  
replied, curling his fingers around his own cup. He paused and then added, "You  
should take your dose for today before you leave. I have enough for that."  
  
Remus nodded, giving a small shudder at the thought of the vile concoction, but  
he knew he was damned lucky to have access to it. Severus had sent the first  
batches several days ago, and Remus had delivered them to the grateful  
lycanthropes. "They were happy to get it, you know. My friends, I mean. I don't  
know if you can imagine what it's like for them. For us. To know there is  
something that can keep us from becoming monsters. Something that keeps us...  
sane." It was a sober topic, and Remus shook off the seriousness, smiling again.  
"Besides, it saves much wear and tear on the furniture. That alone is worth it."  
  
"As long as they can pay for it, that is all that matters to me," Severus  
replied. He didn't want to hear about the werewolves and how grateful they were  
or how much better the potion made their lives when he didn't intend to continue  
brewing it indefinitely. Perhaps, he thought, it would be best if he informed  
Lupin of that fact; he would likely lose customers, but better they knew the  
truth now.  
  
He fixed Lupin with an implacable stare, and when he spoke, his tone was firm.  
"You should know, however, that I plan to leave the country as soon as I've  
finished my research into the magical phenomena and have completed the job you  
asked me to do. There is nothing for me here. I intend to make a fresh start  
elsewhere without the stigma of my past haunting me, and I intend to do it as  
soon as possible."  
  
Remus' eyes widened, and he sucked in an audible breath. Severus intended to  
leave England. To move away.  
  
Away from him?  
  
"I don't want you to go," Remus blurted out before he could catch himself,  
biting his lip and flushing slightly in embarrassment for his hasty words. "I  
mean... I would miss you, very much," he continued, his voice low and pained. He  
continued to hold Severus' eyes, forcing his lips up into something that vaguely  
resembled a lopsided smile, but which held a tremendous amount of sadness. "I  
like being with you, Severus. I like taking care of you. I like  
you, even though I know you don't believe  
that. I... I..."  
  
There was so much he wanted to say, so much that he  
couldn't say because Severus would scoff at  
him and accuse him of lying. So he didn't say it; instead, he looked into  
Severus' eyes and thought it, hoping that as a Legilimens, Severus would see and  
accept the truth of it.  
  
I care for you, and not just as a friend. I want  
to be with you. I want to hold you and ease your pain when you need it. I want  
to help you find what you have lost, to heal from the horrors of what you  
suffered. I want to be there for you, the way no one has ever been there for you  
before. I want to be your strength, your shelter. And I want to touch you and  
give you more pleasure, more happiness than anyone has ever given you before. I  
want to be yours. All yours. Forever. I lo--  
  
Remus closed his eyes before that particular thought was fully born; the rest...  
the rest he could handle having thrown back in his face if he had to, but not  
that. He had never given his heart away before, and he thought it might kill him  
to do so now and have Severus crush it, killing his hope entirely. They had come  
a long way, it was true. But they hadn't come that far. Not yet. Perhaps they  
never would.  
  
Opening his eyes once more, Remus gazed at Severus somberly. He had laid it all  
out in the table, in a manner of speaking. Either Severus would accept it or  
reject it, and all Remus could do was wait.  
  
And hope.  
  
Harsh words rose to Severus' lips. What did he care that Lupin didn't want him  
to go? Lupin had friends, and he didn't need Severus to fill out the ranks of  
his decimated pack. But the stinging rejection died unspoken when he was caught  
by Lupin's gaze, the amber depths pulling him in deeper until he felt as if he  
were drowning in warm golden light. He knew it would be unwise to probe, knew he  
might not like what he saw, but Lupin had behaved so oddly toward him for weeks,  
and Severus wanted to know the truth about what the hell was really going on in  
the damned nuisance's head.  
  
He pushed. Just a little. A wordless probe that offered him a glimpse of nothing  
but the most surface levels. But what he saw sent him reeling in a whirl of fear  
and confusion, and he rose swiftly and gracelessly enough to knock his chair  
over as he backed away from the table. What he saw was what he hadn't had since  
his mother's death. What he saw was what he'd sought, first with the Dark Lord  
and then with Albus. What he saw was what he was certain was beyond his reach.  
Yet Lupin held it out, and he could take it if he dared. If he trusted.  
  
"You..." He shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself, scarcely able to  
believe what he had seen was directed toward him. "You can't be serious."  
  
Remus drew in a deep breath, watching Severus intently as he reacted in what  
appeared to be shock. Severus must have seen at least part of what Remus was  
thinking, then, seen it and apparently been shaken.  
  
But Remus wasn't going to back down, not now that the moment seemed to have  
come. "I have never been more serious in my life," he said simply, rising to his  
feet as well. He lifted a hand toward Severus, wondering if Severus would take  
it or run away in confusion. "It's the truth, Severus. I've been trying to tell  
you for weeks. I'm not sure how or why it happened, or even when. Maybe it's  
always been there, partly. Who can say after thirty years, after all that we've  
been through, all that we've endured, all that we've survived. But I know  
myself, perhaps better than I want to sometimes. And even if you never believe  
me, never accept it, it won't change anything. I'll always be here for you,  
Severus. Whether you're in the same room or halfway around the world, it won't  
change how I feel."  
  
For a moment he hesitated, and then he spoke in a voice that was barely above a  
whisper. "I won't stop you if you really want to be away from me. But I want to  
be with you. Whether it's here or at the ends of the earth."  
  
It was almost as if Lupin was speaking a foreign language. Severus could barely  
process that someone - anyone - was saying  
such things to him without it being a prank or a lie to manipulate him into  
doing what Lupin wanted. He couldn't even cling to his suspicion that it was a  
joke or a lie because he had seen for himself the sincerity behind Lupin's  
thoughts. There was no duplicity; Lupin had meant it, all of it.  
  
He stared at Lupin, hating that Lupin had managed to knock him off-balance  
again; he had thought his own feelings for Lupin were clear. He thought he hated  
and disdained Lupin, but somehow, things had changed without him even realizing  
it. He looked at Lupin, and he still wanted to box Lupin's ears for bringing  
such chaos and confusion to his life, but he couldn't help remembering his  
response to Lupin's touch either. He was drawn to Lupin, physically at least,  
and a small, wounded part of him longed to accept Lupin's offer of a haven.  
  
But Severus could not give in to weakness so easily; pride wouldn't allow him to  
unbend, especially not after last night. "I cannot say that I return the  
sentiment, Lupin," he said, ignoring Lupin's outstretched hand. "I want to  
leave. I hadn't considered taking anyone with me, and I hadn't thought I would  
have any incentive to stay." He shook his head, grimacing. "I... don't know if I  
want to be with you."  
  
Remus dropped his hand back to his side, feeling a bit of turmoil of his own. It  
was too much to have hoped that Severus would fall into his arms, but a small,  
needy part of him had hoped anyway, and now it curled in on itself in a ball of  
hurt. But logically Remus knew that coming from Severus, this was probably the  
best reaction he could have expected. Severus wasn't spitting on him, yelling at  
him, or hexing him. Maybe there was hope after all.  
  
"I understand," Remus said softly, pulling his masks over the weak part and  
offering Severus a slight smile. Really, there wasn't much more he could say. He  
could push Severus against the wall and snog him until he didn't know his own  
name - the wolf liked that thought, as a matter of fact - but it wouldn't be  
right, and it wouldn't solve anything. Remus had played his hand, and it was up  
to Severus to make up his own mind, or rather his own heart. Remus would do what  
he could, but he knew he couldn't force emotion from Severus that just didn't  
exist.  
  
And plainly, Severus wasn't even sure himself. Which meant it wasn't a lost  
cause yet.  
  
"I'm going to head to work now," he continued, stepping back to give Severus the  
space he seemed to need. He could give Severus a few days to make up his mind.  
The question was whether Severus would be honest with himself, much less with  
Remus; and apparently only time would tell. "I still need to collect the  
Wolfsbane, but if you need time, you can owl it to me at

the Quibbler. I... I'm not trying to be a  
burden, Severus. I just want to make you happy."  
  
Severus squelched the little lonely ache that urged him to take back his words  
and reach out to Lupin, wrapping his arms more tightly around himself for  
comfort instead. "So you've said. Repeatedly. I will send you the potion when it  
is ready," he said, keeping his tone neutral. "I will have the doses for the  
remainder of the week ready later today."  
  
"All right," Remus said, nodding slightly. He drew in another deep breath, held  
it for a moment, then released it on a sigh. He needed to go, but he was  
reluctant. Unfortunately, there was no help for it. All he could do now was  
wait. Wait, and hope.  
  
Smiling again, Remus lifted a hand. He would have liked to touch Severus, even  
briefly, but he couldn't. Someday, perhaps, but not today. So he contented  
himself with turning it into a wave. "Goodbye, Severus. I'll see you. Soon."  
  
Then he turned and left the kitchen, and he left his heart in the hands of a man  
who wasn't even sure he wanted it.  



	10. Chapter 10

_Severus knew the map of his lover's scars. He had_  
stroked and kissed the latticed scars on his lover's chest and arms, and the  
knotted mass on his lover's shoulder, the worst of whatever damage had been  
inflicted, and he had done so without reservation countless times. He didn't  
require physical perfection; his lover was beautiful the way he was.  
  
He pushed the folds of his lover's shirt over his shoulders, sliding it down to  
his elbows and stopping; snugging up against his lover's back, Severus bent his  
head and brushed his lips against that old, raised scar, satisfied when he felt  
a shudder rippled down his lover's spine. Parting his lips, he covered the  
unsightly knot with open-mouthed kisses, caressing, lapping, worshiping with  
lips and tongue.  
  
His lover's breath grew ragged, and he felt slender fingers stealing along his  
thigh to his hip, clutching convulsively as his lover leaned back against him,  
relaxing, utterly trusting.  
  
"Oh, God... Severus..."  
  
It wasn't often that Severus reduced his lover to incoherence, and he smiled  
against his lover's warm skin, pleased that he could give his lover the same  
pleasure and acceptance that he found only in his lover's arms.  
  
Severus awoke to find his face pressed against his pillow and his lips puckered  
as if in a kiss, and he growled and flung the pillow across the room. His dream  
self was disgustingly sentimental, and the thought of what he had done - how  
tender and open he was - made Severus cringe. He could never be that way in the  
waking world; he had far too many walls and defenses in the way. But in dreams,  
all those were stripped away, leaving him...  
  
Leaving him as he could have been, he thought bitterly.  
  
It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't remember each dream vividly, but he did. The  
images never faded, and he remembered the first as clearly as he remembered the  
one he'd just awakened from. At first, he had thought they were just  
particularly vivid, but it dawned on him that they had begun right after that  
damned ghost had grabbed him.  The woman's voice in his head had accused  
him of being empty and cold, and he supposed the dreams were meant to punish  
him, to taunt him with things he would never experience.  
  
He released a weary sigh and rolled over. His dream self was an idiot, he  
thought with growing annoyance as his mind reminded him of the way his dream  
lover had shuddered and moaned in his arms, of the taste of salt and sweat on  
his lover's skin. He didn't need a lover; he didn't want a lover. He didn't want  
Lupin's affection either, and he was mad to have accepted Lupin's offer to "take  
care of him", but he supposed it was too late to rescind it now. But Lupin's  
protests weren't enough to convince him to stay, and he damned well wasn't  
taking Lupin with him.  
  
No, if Lupin wanted to take care of him while he was here, fine. But that would  
be the end of it, dreams or no dreams. He didn't want to be saddled with Lupin  
for the rest of his life; the pushy nuisance would drive him mad in no time, and  
that weak part of him that wanted an end to his solitude could go hang. He  
needed no one; he wanted no one.  
  
He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, hoping that this time, he  
didn't dream.  


* * *

  
Remus felt bad and knew he probably looked worse, but he couldn't rest. Not even the aftermath of the full moon could wipe the thought of Severus from his mind. Which was why he found himself making his way once again toward Spinner's End, moving on sheer determination alone and ignoring the protests of his body. Severus might turn him away; there was no guarantee that Severus hadn't thought better of his mild reaction to Remus' admission and now feel like hexing him to the four winds for his presumption. But that was chance Remus was willing to take. He needed to see Severus, had thought of nothing but Severus for days. Even if it was only to have his arse handed to him on a platter, he had to know if Severus felt anything. He had to know if he could hold on to hope.  
  
The steps up to the door had never seemed so long, but Remus made it, standing before the front door for a moment, panting. Then he raised his hand and knocked, a soft sound, and he waited with a mixture of eagerness and dread to see if Severus would answer - if Severus were still there at all.  
  
Severus sat at his desk, bent over a sheaf of notes and a book on Egyptian mythology. The book was a basic text, not nearly as in-depth as he really needed, but it was a place to start, and he had spent the better part of an hour poring over it, so engrossed in his task that he didn't hear the soft knocking at first. Fawkes fluttered over to perch on the back of his chair and tugged on his hair to get his attention, and only then did he jerk his head up, scowling in bewilderment at Fawkes until he heard the sound.  
  
He grumbled silently as he rose and headed to the entrance hall. He wasn't expecting anyone, and since it was the day after the full moon, he didn't expect it would be Lupin back to pester him, but if it was someone else from the Order come to shout at him, he wasn't having it. Flinging open the door, he was startled to see it was indeed Lupin standing there, looking like death warmed over, and he wondered if something terrible had happened for Lupin to come today of all days.  
  
"What the devil are you doing here?" he demanded, bracing his fists on his hips. "Unless a dragon has leveled Diagon Alley, there's no reason for you to have come here today, and even then, you could have sent an owl."  
  
"Nice to see you as well, Severus," Remus replied, lips twitching slightly in amusement at the way Severus was standing there, scolding him like a mother hen. It was endearing, it was wonderful, and Severus would kill him if Remus dared make mention of it. "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by to see you," he continued, looking hopefully past Severus into the house. "Um... you don't happen to have tea, do you? And how is the research going?"  
  
"You were not in the neighborhood, Lupin," Severus retorted, standing aside to let Lupin in. "You came here with the specific purpose to pester me."  
  
He shouldn't be at all surprised that Lupin hadn't given up visiting him; Lupin was pushy and stubborn, not to mention incredibly stupid for wearing himself out coming here today. He gave Lupin a forceful shove between the shoulder blades, steering him toward the parlor, and then he stormed to the kitchen to make tea. Idiot werewolf, he grumbled as he heated water with a tap of his wand, dropped a strainer full of tea leaves into the kettle, and gathered up the rest of the tea things. Drawing his wand, he also summoned a restorative draught from his workroom that would help with Lupin's fatigue and residual pain. In a matter of minutes, he returned to the parlor bearing tea and biscuits, and he set the tray on the coffee table, pouring a cup of tea for Lupin and himself. He waved negligently at the cobalt blue vial on the tray as he crossed over to his usual chair by the fire.  
  
"Take that," he said in a tone that brooked no argument.  
  
Remus had obediently followed Severus' unspoken directions, sinking down on and sofa with hope blooming in his heart at the way Severus was fussing over him. It wasn't a declaration of love, but surely Severus would have flung him out on his ear if Severus hadn't wanted to see him.  
  
Even if Severus would never admit it.  
  
Reaching out, Remus picked up the potion gratefully. "Thank you, Severus. This will help a great deal."  
  
The potion was cool and sweet going down, and Remus felt better almost immediately. He smiled at Severus warmly and picked up the cup of tea, breathing in the fragrant brew for a moment before taking a sip. The potion and tea helped, but being in Severus' presence helped even more so, giving some small shred of evidence that Severus wasn't going to throw Remus out of his life.  
  
After a few moments, he put the cup down, leaning back on the sofa and giving Severus an inquiring look. "Is the research going well?" he asked. Not that he wanted to talk about the research, really, but the questions burning in his mind were better off left unasked.  
  
Severus settled in his chair and sipped his tea, ignoring Lupin's thanks and grateful smile. "Well enough," he replied. "Between that and the Wolfsbane, I have had plenty to occupy my time of late."  
  
He studiously avoided looking at Lupin, knowing he had sent Lupin the message that he didn't intend to hex Lupin's balls off or throw Lupin out of his life. It didn't matter how cranky or harsh he was; Lupin had to know that he had a foot in the door. Severus had passed the point of no return, and while that unsettled him and he felt as if he had got in over his head, there was nothing for it now.  
  
He was stuck with a damned pushy werewolf.  
  
Remus allowed himself a small moment of amusement at the fact Severus wouldn't look at him. It wasn't unkind amusement, more self-deprecating in a way than anything. After all, they had to be having the oddest friendship-cum-pseudo-courtship in the world. Given the state of the world today, that made it pretty odd indeed.  
  
Still, it made Remus genuinely happy. He had received tacit permission to stay, and Severus' care and concern for Remus' well-being, as grudging as it was, spoke volumes. Which was why Remus pushed himself up to his feet and approached Severus. He couldn't help himself, really, and if Severus protested, Remus could always claim it was the intoxication of Severus' own potion which had made him "forget" what conditions Severus had set down about Remus' conduct. Severus hadn't even pushed him away that time, anyway. So Remus felt it worth a little risk.  
  
Coming to a stop next to Severus' chair, Remus rested a hand lightly on Severus' shoulder, relishing the touch even through the layers of clothing Severus wore. "It's good to stay busy, of course, and I won't take much of your time. I really just had to see you, Severus. That's how important you are to me."  
  
Remus reached his other hand out, running the back of it lightly along Severus' cheek, reveling in the feeling of Severus' warm skin against his. Then he caught Severus' chin in his hand, urging Severus' face up so that Severus was looking at him. When he caught the gaze of dark eyes, he smiled and lowered his own head and captured Severus' lips in a soft, tender kiss.  
  
The warmth of Lupin's fingers on his chin, urging him to look up, sent a little prickle of awareness along Severus' nerve endings, and he lifted his gaze with reluctance, not certain he wanted to face what he might see in Lupin's eyes or give away in his own. He felt the tug of attraction and the shimmer of tension between them, and for a moment, he felt as if he were standing on the edge of a precipice, although he didn't know what it meant. Unfamiliar with the normal prelude to a kiss, he was caught before he was even aware that he was about to be kissed.  
  
The press of soft lips against his was a novelty; the first time, he had been too startled and analytical of the process to pay attention to the aesthetics of it, but this time, he noted the warmth of Lupin's lips and breath and the gentleness of his touch. Severus knew he ought to shove Lupin away and shout at him for breaking their agreement; Severus had explicitly stated that Lupin was not to kiss him again, and yet Severus' eyelids fluttered closed, and he relaxed his jaw, savoring the cling of lips.  
  
A thrill shot down Remus' spine as Severus' eyes closed and Severus seemed to relax into the kiss, and a small moan of approval escaped him. Apparently Severus wasn't as averse to being kissed as he had been, and Remus was enthusiastic about the thought of Severus wanting to be kissed instead of merely tolerating it or not fighting against it.  
  
There were two paths open to him now, and for a moment, Remus debated with himself as to whether he should end the kiss, stepping back and waiting to see what Severus had to say about it. But Severus wasn't protesting now, and it seemed a shame to take a gamble and then risk Severus fussing at him for what was, in many ways, a rather platonic kiss. Remus' feelings definitely weren't platonic, and so he decided if he were in for a knut, he might as well be in for the whole galleon.  
  
Caressing his thumb lightly over Severus' cheek, Remus deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue between Severus' lips and giving an approving hum as he explored Severus' mouth with gentle but thorough care, as though he were committing every moment of it to memory, cherishing the taste and touch and closeness of Severus and knowing that he could never, ever get enough.  
  
Severus' breath hitched and caught as Lupin's tongue invaded his mouth, taking him back into unfamiliar territory, and he stiffened, his fingers clenching on the arms of the chair. The mood of the kiss had shifted from something light and non-threatening to something on the verge of setting Severus' blood on fire; he could feel the heat rising in his belly, waiting to erupt, but it was tempered by the perfectionist in him, hating that there was something he didn't know how to do.  
  
And Severus did not know how to kiss. He didn't know what to do with his tongue or Lupin's, and while Lupin's methodical exploration felt good on a purely instinctive pleasure-seeking level, he didn't know how to return it without looking foolish or clumsy - and then he scowled at himself for even wanting to return it in the first place. Sharing kisses with Lupin was dangerous in more ways than one, and he couldn't allow it to become a habit.  
  
He pulled back, breaking away from the kiss, and glared up at Lupin. "I told you not to kiss me," he said coldly. That his lips were wet and still tingling from the kiss that had occurred because he hadn't enforced his own rule was something he chose to overlook.  
  
Remus could sense the uncertainty in Severus even before Severus pulled away, and so he was neither shocked nor upset by the abrupt ending to what had seemed \- to him - to be a very promising kiss. The glare in Severus' eyes seemed to mask something else, something that was so totally in character for Severus that Remus was quite sure he had the right of the situation.  
  
Severus hadn't kissed in a very, very long time, long enough that he was unsure of Remus and definitely unsure of himself. In fact, it might even be possible \- though it seemed unlikely in a man of Severus' years and experience - that Severus had never been properly and thoroughly kissed in his life.  
  
Something within Remus melted in a combination of desire and sympathy and sheer, lupine possessiveness. He wanted to kiss Severus again, even more thoroughly, but it was obvious that Severus needed reassurance first. Reassurance that didn't make Severus' inexperience seem like a liability or something to be embarrassed about.  
  
Continuing to caress Severus' cheek with his thumb, Remus smiled softly. "So you did, but I'm afraid I couldn't help myself. I like kissing you, Severus. I like how you taste, how you keep your lips pliant. I think with a little practice, we could become quite adept at kissing each other. Practice makes perfect, after all, and you never know what someone else enjoys until you try."  
  
Severus scowled to cover his discomfiture over Lupin's words; he supposed it hadn't been difficult for Lupin to figure out that Severus didn't know what he was doing, but hearing Lupin say that he liked kissing Severus... He didn't believe it. Couldn't.  
  
But sitting there with Lupin' thumb caressing his cheek and Lupin's breath warming his face, he wanted to be kissed again. Perhaps it was because the words and the gentle touches reminded him of his dream lover; perhaps it was because the emptiness inside him longed to be filled. Perhaps, he thought with an internal grimace, it was because he had lost what was left of his mind, but he couldn't allow himself to give in, to give himself to Lupin and make himself vulnerable and weak and stupid, not when he had spent years honing his control.  
  
"Is that what this is about?" He forced a note of disdain into his voice. "First, you want to kiss me, and then you'll want more. No. I have no interest in that. Go and find someone else to warm your bed."  
  
"But I don't want anyone else, Severus... I want you," Remus said gently. He smiled, drawing in a deep breath that smelled of Severus and desire. "And despite your words, I believe you want me, too."  
  
Swooping down, Remus captured Severus' lips again, this time in a firmer, deeper kiss, one meant to overwhelm Severus' senses and his objections. He slid his hand behind Severus' neck so that his fingers could caress the spot that Severus seemed to enjoy so much, wanting to give Severus that pleasure, wanting Severus to see how good it could be between them, how much Remus wanted to do for him, be for him.  
  
Any protests Severus might have made withered and died at the first touch of Lupin's fingers on his neck, honing in on that damnable spot that never failed to set him on fire with need. This time was no different; a single caress ignited his blood, made heat detonate within him, and he parted his lips, exhaling a moan into the kiss.  
  
Severus' throaty moan was almost Remus' undoing, and he growled in response, need rising up fierce and strong within him. He wanted to pull Severus up in his arms and carry him off to the bedroom, to strip away those attractive, maddening layers of clothing and make Severus moan and writhe and scream with pleasure. He wanted to possess, he wanted to claim, he wanted to give and give until Severus could take no more and collapsed in utter satiation, unable to move, unable to remember his own name.  
  
Instead, however, Remus slid into Severus' lap. Taking it slowly at this point was more important, no matter what he and his wolf wanted, Severus was who mattered, Severus' needs and feelings were the most import things to him. So Remus contented himself with pressing against Severus' body, kissing him hungrily and yet with the desire to please, to give, to teach Severus that his body could be a vessel for pleasure and enjoyment as much as in the past, it had known only suffering and pain.  
  
Finding himself with a lap full of werewolf, Severus froze, wanting to shove Lupin away yet unable to manage it; he was too overwhelmed by the feel of Lupin's body against his and by the hunger in Lupin's kiss. He could feel Lupin's desire, scarcely able to believe that it was directed toward him, and worse, his own desire was building, urging him to wind his arms around Lupin and somehow try to return the kiss even if he wasn't any good at it.  
  
The heat of mutual need wound fiery tendrils around him - around them - and the ache within Severus shifted lower as arousal pooled in the pit of his stomach. His skin ached with the pleasure of Lupin's touch, craving more; he had known only pain for so long that this exquisite ache seemed like a pain all its own. He found himself yielding to the kiss, allowing Lupin to explore and slake his hunger, and he reached out one hand, curling his fingers into Lupin's sleeve, unwilling to touch or embrace Lupin - that was a risk he wasn't willing to take.  
  
Remus had no trouble sensing Severus' arousal, and it gave him a great deal of pleasure knowing that he was affecting Severus so much. Yet there was something else, a hesitancy from Severus that seemed to have nothing to do with resisting Remus advances, but seemed almost like... shyness? Perhaps the uncertainty in Severus extended beyond kissing, and Remus decided that as much as he wanted more, it simply wasn't the right time. Not until Severus wanted Remus with as much eagerness and acceptance as Remus wanted him.  
  
Pulling back slowly from the kiss, Remus drew in a deep breath and rested his forehead against Severus' so that he could look deeply into Severus' eyes. He continued to caress Severus lightly with affection and tender care.  
  
"I suppose I'm as pushy as you say," Remus murmured, smiling. "But you have that affect on me. I do want you, Severus. I won't lie or deny that. I want you very, very much. But more than that, more than anything else, I want to make you happy. I want to give you anything you need. Comfort, strength, shelter, pleasure. I want to give to you all the things that no one has. I want to give until you believe you are worthy of it, because you are. You deserve better than me, in fact. But I'm afraid that I am all I have to offer."  
  
Severus went still, averting his gaze from Lupin's; he could feel a dull heat rising in his face, and he wanted to shrink away from Lupin's words because he knew they weren't true. He had done nothing to deserve anything but the ruins his life had become. This was his punishment, and what Lupin was offering was so far out of his realm of experience that he couldn't even comprehend it in relation to himself.  
  
"No." He shook his head, clenching his hands on the chair arms again and leaning away from Lupin. "I don't want it. I can't-" He grimaced and forced the words out. "I can't have it."  
  
Remus raised a brow, still smiling, and spoke in a soothing voice. "Of course you can have it, Severus. I've already offered, and I'm not going to take it back. I think you do want it, no matter how you might try to convince me or yourself that you don't. It's all right, Severus. It's all right to want. It's normal. It's human. And you can have it. You can have anything it is within my power to give you, and I will do it happily."  
  
"No!" Severus pushed at Lupin's shoulders, trying - and failing - to dislodge him. Panic welled up within him, and he began to struggle, his breath growing shallow at the thought of Lupin's offer, of giving in to so-called normal human desires. He couldn't. He wouldn't. It was his last stronghold, his last refuge, the one thing that set him apart and gave him and his miserable life any worth.  
  
"Shhh... Severus, it's all right," Remus said, his manner turning from seductive to comforting, his touch mirroring his attempt to calm Severus from his panic. "You don't have to accept anything you don't want. I'm not that pushy, believe me! I mean it when I say you are what matters to me. It's all right, you don't have to worry."  
  
Severus' breathing gradually slowed as he calmed down, soothed by Lupin's reassuring words. It was as much the thought of being controlled as the thought of giving up the one aspect of himself that he was proud of. He couldn't prevent the dreams that plagued him, but he could keep from giving in to weakness and letting them become reality.  
  
"If what I want matters to me, then leave me alone," he growled, pushing ineffectually at Lupin again. "You're wasting your time. I will never give in to such base urges."  
  
"Base urges?" Remus echoed, blinking in surprise at the odd direction of the conversation. "Never give in to what? To desire? You mean..." Remus paused as something occurred to him, and he played over the things Severus had said, the way Severus had reacted, his inexperience...  
  
Remus knew there were people who held on to their virginity for various reasons, some magical, some religious. But even as alone as Remus had been in his life, he had had lovers, had known the warmth of that connection between two people when desire and need rose up to make them feel utterly alive.  
  
"You're a virgin?" Remus asked gently, the human part of him feeling an ache for Severus at this knowledge, although the wolf approved wholeheartedly, feeling an even fiercer urge to claim Severus as its own. But Remus pushed that thought away, concentrating on the depth of loneliness Severus' lack of experience indicated. "I have to say I am surprised. You're a desirable man, Severus. I've thought that for a long time. But making love... it's not a base urge, not in the way you mean. It's a natural thing. A beautiful thing. A way that two people can show just how much they mean to each other. Trust me on this, Severus. It can be the most wonderful thing in the world when you care about someone."  
  
Severus snarled and looked away, heat flooding his face. "Your nonsense is wasted on me, Lupin. I know how undesirable I am. It has been made quite clear to me for years. But I don't care whether anyone desires me or not. I control myself because I can. Because to do so..." He trailed off, not wanting to speak the rest aloud.  
  
To do so gave him control over some aspect of his life when so much was out of his hands. To do so gave him one thing about himself that he could respect and take pride in. To do so set him apart and gave him a shield that protected him from all those who would reject him if he allowed himself to feel anything for them.  
  
Remus unwound himself from Severus - reluctantly, if truth be told - and pulled himself up to stand once more by Severus' chair. He didn't move away, but stood looking down at Severus with a bit of exasperated affection. "You are not undesirable, but I know my protesting won't convince you. You'll just have to see that it's true, I suppose. Because it is."  
  
The smile faded, though, and Remus nodded, touching Severus briefly on the arm, a touch of understanding. "And I understand about control. I do, because my body hasn't been in my control for many, many years. I know that for you, it's different. You didn't have control of your life, so I think I can see why having control of your body means so much to you. It's yours. I didn't realize, Severus. I wasn't trying to push you beyond your limits, and I'm glad I know now. I understand." He paused for a moment, and then he smiled slightly again. "But I won't promise to stop trying to change your mind. There are ways and ways to exercise control, some of them more pleasant than others."  
  
"You will not change my mind!" Severus leapt to his feet and backed away, glaring at Lupin, his fists clenched at his sides. He had to convince Lupin to leave him alone; dangerous things would happen if he didn't. Severus might begin to believe the nonsense Lupin was spouting, which would only make things worse when Lupin left him, betrayed him, or made it clear he was just using Severus. That was what had always happened before, and Severus didn't see why this time would be any different.  
  
The worst part was, Severus knew Lupin could wear him down and lure him into bed. Lupin had managed to kiss him twice today alone even though Severus had told him not to, and Severus had allowed it - had responded in his own way, even - and that was dangerous, too. Kiss by kiss, touch by touch, Lupin would wear down his resistance, and he would lose the one thing about himself that he took any pride in. He would be just like everyone else - worse than everyone else. That one last shred of purity would be stripped away, leaving him with nothing but blood and filth and shame.  
  
Severus knew how strong he was, but he also knew that the end of the war had broken him. It had taken twenty years, but he had finally snapped, and there were cracks in his strength now. If he gave what Lupin wanted and Lupin turned on him, he would shatter, and he didn't know if he would be able to put himself together again.  
  
"I don't want this, and I don't want you," he said in the iciest tone he could muster. "This is only happening because of the damned dreams, and I swear, Lupin, if you try to kiss me again, I will hex you."  
  
There had been the scent of desire in the air, but now, in its place, all Remus could smell was fear. Severus' fear.  
  
Eyes wide, Remus started toward Severus, one hand held up beseechingly. But when Severus turned on him, coldly and firmly denying him, Remus stopped, keeping his distance and feeling a sense of both protectiveness and sadness. Severus had suffered so much, and all Remus wanted to do was help. Only he didn't seem to be helping at all, not if Severus was afraid. Afraid of himself, perhaps, but possibly also afraid of Remus.  
  
The comment about dreams made Remus blink, however. "I'm sorry, Severus, so very sorry. I don't want to hurt you or cause you distress. I want to help you, I truly do. You don't have to be afraid of me. I wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world."  
  
Severus waved irritably and turned away. Of course Lupin said that now. But what about when Lupin grew tired of dealing with him? He hadn't been a prize when he was whole and well, and now, as damaged as he was, he was even less so. He couldn't imagine Lupin putting up with his temper or his temperament for long; someone else, someone more handsome and amiable and undamaged, would come along, and that would be that.  
  
Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair in agitation. "I swear it, Severus. You saw it in my eyes, I know you did. I care about you. I don't want to cause you any pain."  
  
All the pleading in the world wouldn't turn Severus now, Remus was certain of it. He took a step closer to Severus, wanting so badly to touch Severus, to hold him, to comfort him, but also afraid that Severus would hex him for it. If he couldn't touch, then he would just have to do his best to sooth Severus with words; he certainly wasn't going to walk away from Severus now and leave him like this.  
  
"You had dreams?" he asked softly. "Dreams that bother you? Were they nightmares? I hope... I hope that you haven't been dreaming that I would hurt you. It wouldn't be the truth. It could never been the truth."  
  
Severus exhaled a slow, grumbly sigh, wishing he'd never mentioned the damned dreams, but he had, and he wouldn't shy away from telling Lupin the truth about them, since it was all Lupin's fault for dragging him to the Tower in the first place.  
  
"No, they aren't violent dreams," he admitted, wrapping his arms around himself and trying - and failing - to repress a shiver when he thought about his dream lover and all that had occurred between them. "When that ghost at the Tower grabbed me, I heard a voice in my head. It sounded like a woman, and she told me that I was cold and empty, but that I wouldn't be any longer. Since then, I have dreamed of a man every night. He is masked, and I have never seen his face, only his body, with which my dream self is intimately familiar," he added, a sardonic note edging his voice.  
  
Unaware of what he was doing, he rubbed his upper arms, almost like a caress. "Every night, the dream is different yet always the same. Some nights, he only holds me or massages me. Most nights, however, he-" He bowed his head slightly, wishing his hair was long again so he could hide his heated cheeks behind its curtain. "We have sex in various ways and positions. At this point, I feel as if my dream self has worked his way through the entire Kama Sutra," he said tartly, mustering a bit of temper to cover his embarrassment.  
  
"The only night I haven't dreamed..." He trailed off, his eyes widening when the significance struck him. Good God... It couldn't be... "Was the night you were here," he concluded, forcing the words past the dryness of his throat.  
  
Remus listened, almost not breathing as he absorbed what Severus was telling him. A dream lover... one that held Severus, massaged him, made love to him? One that the female ghost had sent to him, perhaps? Remus had been there, but he had had neither heard nor felt anything but fear for Severus during the attack, and he knew that he had not been affected in any way by what had happened. Yet even then, Remus had felt... something for Severus. Even then, he had hoped they could be something more.  
  
Severus' hands moved up and down his arms, and Remus could tell how much those dreams had affected Severus. They had probably made him ache for something he had never known. Perhaps something Severus had perhaps secretly longed for? He wasn't certain if Severus not dreaming the night Remus had been there was significant, but maybe, just maybe there was a way to find out.  
  
Heart thudding as hope rose up within him, Remus took another small step toward Severus, swallowing against a dryness in his mouth, one born of fear that the answer wouldn't be what he was desperately hoping to hear. "You lover... you said you know his body well? Tell me, Severus, please... I have to know. Does he have any marks or scars? Something you could identify him by, even if you don't know his face?"  
  
At this point, Severus thought he could probably provide the exact number of moles his dream lover had, much less scars. His stomach clenched when he considered the possible reasons why Lupin might be asking, and he was tempted to lie and say his dream lover's body was smooth and unmarked, but Lupin's nose would probably smell the lie on him.  
  
"Yes," he admitted slowly, almost as if the word was being dragged out of him by force.  
  
Somberly Remus looked at Severus. He had two choices, really, as to how to proceed. He supposed he could always just turn around and leave, but that really wasn't an option. Remus had to know.  
  
Without a word, Remus untucked his shirt, then unbuttoned it and pulled it back off his shoulders. He wasn't particularly proud of his body, but he had to admit it certainly was recognizable to anyone who had seen it before. The pale lines of old scars - claw marks, mostly his own, and a sprinkling of bites from werewolf battles - stood out on his faintly tanned skin. But it was the mass of twisted, ropey tissue on his left shoulder where Greyback had bitten him, which was unmistakable. Lifting his gaze, Remus looked directly at Severus and waited for what Severus would say.  
  
Severus froze, aware of his jaw dropping at the sight of Lupin's naked torso and its map of scars - scars that Severus knew intimately well, having caressed and even kissed them so often in his dreams. His heart pounded in his throat, and his mind raced at the implications of the undeniable evidence before him. Lupin was his masked lover. That damned ghost had given him night after night of dreams about Lupin, the same man who made a nuisance of himself during Severus' waking hours as well.  
  
"Oh, God..." His voice was low and hoarse, nothing like his usual smooth, deep tone. "It's you."  
  
Remus wanted to repeat Severus' epithet. It seemed impossible, of course, but the look in Severus' eyes told the story. Somehow, the touch of that ghost, whoever she had been, must have done something to Severus to cause him to dream of Remus at night. Every night, by Severus' own admission.  
  
The problem was, Remus wasn't certain if this was a good thing or a bad one. If the dreams had made Severus afraid, it would hurt Remus' case for being a part of Severus' life. It would be entirely like Severus to be resentful, to blame Remus for what had happened, to blame Remus for the dreams even though Remus had nothing at all to do with them. Where did he go from here?  
  
On one level, it gave Remus a great deal of satisfaction that Severus seemed so affected by the dreams, but how could he compete against that? "I... I don't know what to say, Severus," he finally stammered, looking at Severus pleadingly. "Other than I hope whatever you dreamed of me made you feel happy. Because that's what I want to make you feel."  
  
Severus still stared at Lupin's torso, wide-eyed and silent as he tried to absorb the shocking revelation. For weeks, those dreams had tormented him with gentleness, affection, and devotion that he thought was impossible for him to have in the waking world; his dream lover had made him feel special and adored. He had even felt desirable, which was little short of a miracle. The truth was, he thought with a mirthless laugh, if Lupin made him feel a tenth of what he had felt in his dreams, he wouldn't last a week; if exhaustion from sexual exertion didn't kill him, the shock of experiencing joy would.  
  
He covered his face with one hand, realizing he was shaking and hating himself for it. "Yes," he whispered hoarsely. He wondered if the dreams would continue now that he knew the truth; he didn't know whether to be relieved or remorseful at the thought that they might end. What if they continued, only the mask was gone? Even if it wasn't, he knew the identity of his lover now, and he would never be able to think about the dreams in the same way again. He hadn't been thrilled about the dreams to begin with, but how would it be now with night after night of knowing Lupin was the one showering him with such care and loving him with such intense ardor?  
  
The obvious misery and shock in Severus' pose made Remus ache. He shrugged his shirt back on, clumsily buttoning one or two buttons, then gave up and stepped closer to Severus. Hesitantly he reached out, touching Severus on the arm and praying that Severus wouldn't flinch away from him.  
  
"Severus," he said softly, wanting to enfold Severus in his arms, to take away his pain and unhappiness. He hesitated another moment, and then with a groan, he pulled Severus into his arms, rubbing his back in small, gentle circles. "I mean it. I don't want to hurt you, not ever. I'd rather tear out my own heart than cause you any unhappiness. You know it, I know you do. You're fighting it, but I know you saw it in my eyes. I love you, Severus. No matter what you do to me, it's the truth, and I only wish that I could make you see why I do, make you see how much you mean to me."  
  
Severus stood frozen in shock, scarcely able to believe what he had heard. He'd had about as many surprises as he could handle for one day, and this one had just about done him in. The damnable thing was that he had seen it in Lupin's eyes, and what he had seen terrified him. At least the dreams were safe; there was no risk, only the ache of wistfulness they brought him upon awakening.  
  
He held himself stiffly, fighting the wayward urge to give in to Lupin's embrace, and when he spoke, his voice was ragged. "I don't want to hear it. It isn't true. It can't possibly be true."  
  
Perhaps Lupin did care about him, but love? Impossible. No one had ever loved Severus except his mother, and over the years, he had rendered himself unworthy of being loved. He didn't deserve it.  
  
"Even if it is, what do you want me to do about it?"  
  
"It is true," Remus insisted, continuing to caress Severus' back, giving a deep sigh. "As far as what I want you to do... I want you to believe me. Trust is too much to ask, I know, but I am not lying, and I'll take Veritaserum if that will convince you. Let me take care of you, Severus. I want to help you, not hurt you. I want to be whatever you will allow me to be in your life. Just don't send me away. Please."  
  
Remus was aware he sounded pathetic and that Severus would probably despise him for it, but he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't let Severus send him away. It would be intolerable.  
  
"Whatever it is you think you feel for me, it won't last." Severus tipped his chin up, pressing his lips together as he struggled for control, silently cursing his own weakness for wanting to relax and let the soothing caresses comfort him. "You'll see."  
  
He fell silent, trying and failing to muster the strength to pull away and send Lupin packing with vitriolic words and hexes. It was the smart thing to do; it was the safe thing to do. Yet he couldn't bring himself to do it.  
  
"Go or stay, the choice is yours," he said at last. "I don't care what you do. Just know that I said I would hex you if you kiss me again, and I meant it."  
  
A wave of relief washed over Remus. If all Severus could summon up was a protest that Remus' feelings wouldn't last and a reiteration that Remus wasn't to kiss him, then hope was not all lost. "I want to stay," he said softly, tightening his arms around Severus slightly, not willing to let go, not yet. "And what I feel for you will last, Severus. I'll convince you of it, one way or another. Even if it means I just have to stick around and tell you every day for the rest of our lives."  
  
Severus could feel himself shaking, overwhelmed by all that had occurred in so short a time. It was Lupin haunting his dreams. It was Lupin who claimed to care for him. He was trapped, sleeping and waking, with Lupin, and he hadn't chosen any of it. What was the point of fighting? he wondered. He wouldn't win; he never did. He was so tired of having to fight for freedom, to fight for control over his own life, and part of him wanted to give in and curl up in Lupin's arms, accepting the illusory haven Lupin offered and letting Lupin protect him from the rest of the world.  
  
But Severus had fought for so long that he scarcely knew how to do anything else, and he couldn't give in; pride and fear wouldn't let him. He lifted his hands and pushed at Lupin's shoulders, needing space, feeling as if the very air was pressing in on him, making it difficult for him to breathe.  
  
Severus pushed at him, and after a moment, Remus released him, stepping back and looking at him with concern. He didn't want to do it, but Severus had apparently taken all that he was going to take for the moment, and for once, Remus decided that it was better not to push.  
  
"I think the tea is cold," Remus said softly, trying to pull them both back, giving them some space by focussing on the prosaic. He pulled his wand, turning back to the table and tapping the tea pot until steam rose from the spout once again. He levitated his cup and Severus' over to the table, pouring fresh tea into them and turning to hold one out to Severus. "Here, I think you need this. Unless you would like something stronger."  
  
"I don't drink," Severus replied automatically as he took the cup, careful not to touch Lupin as he did so. He'd had enough touching for one day, and if his dreams didn't stop, he would have to face more that night.  
  
He curled his fingers around the cup, letting the heat seep in and warm him; the shaking stopped gradually, but there was still a small, cold knot within him that no amount of tea could disperse. He sank into his chair again, needing to be off his feet, and took a sip of tea, focusing on the heat and the flavor on his tongue. It washed away the taste of Lupin's kisses, but the memories lingered, haunting and taunting him.  
  
Remus sank down on the sofa, then sipped almost absent-mindedly at his own tea, dropping his gaze so that Severus wouldn't think he was staring. After a moment, he lowered his cup, sitting it on the table as weariness from his transformation and from the roller-coaster emotions caught up with him. He still didn't know what to do, but despite Severus' protests, Remus knew what he felt. He had admitted it to Severus and to himself. Really, what else was there to do at the moment? Leaning his head back against the sofa, Remus drew in a weary breath, letting himself relax for just a moment. If only he could get Severus to believe him. If only he could heal Severus' pain. If only...  
  
His mind full of wishes and hopes, Remus breathed deeply and drifted off into an exhausted slumber.  
  
Lost in thought, Severus had turned his gaze to the fire, and when he roused himself out of his melancholy reverie, he glanced over at the sofa to find Lupin asleep. Little wonder, he supposed, given that Lupin had dragged his mangy carcass over here on the day following a transformation, and their discussion hadn't exactly been restful.  
  
He stared at Lupin, once again at a loss. Did he rouse Lupin and tell him to go back to Grimmauld Place, or did he let Lupin stay and intrude? He studied Lupin's face, pale and lined even in slumber, silence evidence of Lupin's need for rest, and he sighed in resignation.  
  
Putting aside his cup, he rose to his feet and, drawing his wand, he summoned a spare comforter; approaching the sofa as silently as possible, he eased Lupin down and lifted his feet onto the sofa, slipping off his shoes before draping the comforter over him. Another flick of his wand, and the curtains slid closed, shutting out the sunlight.  
  
He didn't want to think about what would happen when Lupin woke up or what would happen if Lupin decided to stay as he had done before; instead, he decided it was time to immerse himself in something soothing, something which he would be control of. Tucking his wand away again, he retreated to his workroom to fire up his cauldron and find the most difficult, complex potion he could just to feel a sense of his own mastery again and to create some order in which there were no surprises and everything worked exactly as it was meant to.  
  
It was too bad, he thought, that the rest of the world couldn't be exactly like his workroom.  



	11. Chapter 11

As Remus came down the stairs from   
his room and passed the parlor, he could hear Ron and Hermione talking quietly.   
He peeked around the edge of the doorway, not wanting to disturb them if they   
were busy or, as they were wont to do in the evenings, cuddling on the sofa.   
Ron was, in fact, sprawled out on the aforementioned nightmare of floral upholstery,   
but Hermione was sitting on the floor in front of a low table with papers spread   
out in front of her as she described something to Ron with what seemed to be   
great intensity. Remus debated for a moment, and then he stepped into   
the room and cleared his throat.  
  
"Er... I don't mean to interrupt," he said, offering an apologetic smile.   
"Do you have a minute?"  
  
Hermione looked up, and to Remus' relief, she smiled. "Of course, Prof...   
Remus," she said, beckoning to him. She still had trouble calling Remus   
by his given name, but it was getting easier as time went on. Ron, however,   
seemed to content himself with "sir", which Remus accepted with more than a   
little amusement.  
  
"Sure - Hermione was just telling me all about the goings on at Hogwarts," Ron   
said, straightening up from his slouch and looking at him gratefully.   
No doubt she had told him about the Acromantulas, and as Remus recalled, the   
youngest Weasley male had a decided aversion to the eight-legged beasties.  
  
"Actually, I wanted to bring up something along those lines," Remus said, appreciating   
the opportunity to jump right in and get to the main point quickly. "As   
you know, I'm working on the research as well, and I find that even the Restricted   
Section at Hogwarts isn't enough - or, rather, it doesn't have enough of what   
seems to be needed to help."  
  
"Then you should use the library here," Hermione spoke up at once. She   
must have seen something in his face, however, because she frowned for just   
a moment. "Right, you've already thought of that. Is there a problem?   
I know some of those old books only want a pure-blood to touch them. Or   
is it your curse?" She looked at Ron for a moment.  
  
Remus shook his head before Ron chimed in with what was obviously going to be   
an uncomfortable protest. "No, it's not that. It's... well, I want   
to have Severus' assistance. I think the two of us can adequately overcome   
any possible dangers we might run across."  
  
Ron couldn't contain himself at that; he leaped to his feet as though he was   
a marionette and someone had suddenly yanked his strings straight up.   
"SNAPE? You want to bring Snape here?"  
  
"Yes, I do." Remus kept his face passive, even wearing a faint smile in   
the face of Ron's red-faced outrage. "He's the absolute best at Defence   
Against the Dark Arts. Better than I am. If we're going to figure   
out what's going on, he needs access to those books."  
  
"No! He killed Dumbledore! It would be..." Ron's hands were balled   
into fists, and he struggled to find a word bad enough to fit the situation.   
"It would be a sacrilege! This is Harry's home, now, and I don't think he'd   
want Snape here! You can't! I won't let you!" There was a   
glint of challenge in Ron's eyes, and Remus suddenly had to fight down the wolf,   
although he wasn't certain if it was the boy's belligerence, the implied threat,   
or the disrespect to Severus that brought it out.  
  
The two males stood glaring at each other for what seemed like endless moments.   
Ron was physically bigger than Remus, and no doubt, he thought he could take   
his old professor down if it came to a fight, whether physical or magical. Of   
course, Ron would be wrong on both counts, and Remus' lupine nature wouldn't   
let him drop his gaze as he once might have and back down from this confrontation.  
  
"I think Harry would want us to do whatever it took to keep Hogwarts and the   
Wizarding world safe," Hermione spoke up. "After all, he risked his life   
to keep it safe, didn't he? He's in St. Mungo's now because he wanted   
to protect all of us. What's a few hours in this house for someone he   
hated in comparison to that?"  
  
Remus turned his head toward her, having almost forgotten her presence.   
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ron jump, apparently having been startled   
out of the confrontation as well by her calm, rational voice. "You're   
right, of course," he said, giving her a smile of gratitude. "That's precisely   
it."  
  
"You're daft, both of you!" Ron snapped, disgust obvious on his face.   
But at the moment, he seemed more focused on his girlfriend, and Remus was relieved   
to feel the wolf back down, although it still lurked at the edge of his mind,   
watching the proceedings warily.  
  
"No, not at all," Hermione said. She too, rose to her feet and looked   
back and forth between them. "This isn't anything meant to violate Harry's   
privacy or anger him. This is nothing but a rational decision to use a resource,   
Ronald. You know how many times we were turned away from information we   
needed while we were trying   
to fight Voldemort in the beginning   
because someone didn't like us or didn't like what we were trying to do.   
I, for one, am not going to stand by and let them flounder when what Remus and   
Professor Snape need might be right here in this house. They can use the   
library, and I sincerely hope they figure this out before everything we all   
fought to protect is lost forever."  
  
"No! You can't do it," Ron said, crossing his arms and shaking his head   
emphatically. "I'll go to McGonagall! She'll stop this lunacy!   
She doesn't trust him, and neither do I!"  
  
"But she'd be wrong, and so are you." Hermione wasn't belligerent; if   
anything she seemed very sad. "He did what he did, and Dumbledore made   
him. You know that, and I know that. The difference is that I have always   
been able to accept facts with my heart as well as my mind. And speaking   
of facts, there is one that you are forgetting; when we made that survivor's   
pact between the three of us just before the final battle, Harry left me   
in charge of this place if anything happened to him. So neither you nor   
the Headmistress can do anything if I say Professor Snape is allowed here."  
  
This was the first time Remus had heard of any pact between the three young   
people, but in a way, he wasn't surprised. It was a very Gryffindor thing   
to do, and Merlin knew the three of them were the very epitome of Gryffindors   
in every way. So Remus said nothing, merely waiting for Ron's reaction.  
  
It wasn't long in coming. "I can't believe this! I can't believe   
you!" he cried out. There was genuine pain in his tone, and Remus had   
to bite his lip to keep from leaping to Hermione's defense. In this case,   
it would not only be wrong, but also potentially more damaging. The anger   
had been about Severus; the hurt was because the young woman he loved had just   
smacked him down in front of another man. In matters of the heart, Remus   
was far, far too wise to interfere.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ron," Hermione said, her tone almost gentle. "It has to be   
done, for all our sakes."  
  
"No, it doesn't. And if that git is here, I'm not going to be!" Ron shot   
Remus a look of dislike before whirling on his heel and stomping out of the   
room.  
  
"Feel free to bring Professor Snape here... say tomorrow?" Hermione said, turning   
to Remus with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. Remus knew that look;   
it was the expression of someone who knew they had done the right thing and   
realized there was going to be a price to pay anyway. He suspected he had worn   
it often of late himself while dealing with Severus. "I think it best   
if Ronald wasn't here."  
  
"Yes, I think you're right," Remus said, his tone soft. He gave her a   
lopsided smile. "Thanks, Hermione; I know that wasn't easy. I hope   
you'll be able to patch things up with Ron. Maybe if Severus and I can   
figure this out and stop the incidents, he'll come around."  
  
Hermione gave a small chuckle, a sound more sad than humorous. "I hope   
you're right, Remus. I really hope you're right." Then she turned and   
followed in Ron's wake, leaving Remus to wonder if all relationships were dangerous   
minefields of doubt and misunderstanding, even the ones that seemed so easy   
on the surface.  
  


* * *

_Severus reached up and stroked his lover's - no, Remus' masked face, feeling the slide of cool porcelain beneath his fingertips, and he frowned slightly, bewildered. "Why are you wearing that mask still? I know who you are."_

_"I told you." Remus smiled, but not unkindly. "The mask is yours, not mine. Remove it, and you will see me clearly."_

_Letting his hand fall away, Severus shook his head, his frown deepening. "I don't know how."_

_Remus eased him down and covered him, aligning their bodies with the ease of long practice, and Severus wound his arms around Remus' shoulders, holding him close. It didn't matter that Severus was confused and a little apprehensive now that he knew his dream lover's identity; in his lover's arm was where he found his haven, and he couldn't give up that security even if it never existed outside of his dreams._

_"Of course you do," Remus murmured, bending to nuzzle kisses along Severus' jaw. "You've always known how."_

_Tipping his chin up, Severus offered better access to his neck as Remus trailed kisses and licks down until he reached Severus' collarbone; he wanted to deny that he knew anything of the sort, but deep down, he knew what Remus meant. He was simply too afraid to do it. The thought of removing his figurative mask in the waking world and making himself so vulnerable and bare to Lupin was terrifying, and yet..._

_And yet, Lupin professed to love him. What if it was safe to strip away his mask and give Lupin what he gave his dream lover?_

_No. Even if it was safe, he was nothing like his dream self. In his dreams, he was whole and healthy, not broken; he felt safe, loved, and desired here, but he knew he was neither lovable or desirable in the waking world. Lupin cared about him now, but how could it last when Severus was brittle, querulous, and scarred inside and out? No, it was foolish. Utterly impossible._

_But as Remus entered him and began to rock slowly, he wound his legs around Remus' hips and clung tightly, wishing for the impossible..._  
  
Severus awoke with a start and gasped as he sat upright, sweat beaded on his forehead. He raked his fingers through his hair with shaking fingers and waited for his pounding heart to return to its normal pace; this dream was more unnerving than the rest, but only in part because he knew his lover's identity. That was unsettling enough, but the fact that he had wanted to throw caution to the wind and give himself to Lupin in reality was far worse.  
  
Impossible, he reminded himself sternly as he punched his pillow and lay down again. He closed his eyes, but sleep was a long time in returning. For once, he didn't mind.  


* * *

  
"So Hermione said it was all right, and that I should bring you over there today," Remus said, offering Severus a brief smile. "If that suits you, of course."  
  
Facing Severus across the width of Severus' sitting room, Remus certainly hoped that it did suit the other man, especially after Hermione had been willing to risk her relationship with Ron in order to give them this chance. He wasn't exactly sure what lengths she had gone to to get Ron out of the house today, but he didn't want to waste her efforts, no matter what the cost. It might turn out that the library at Grimmauld Place didn't have the information they needed, but at least they would have exhausted it as a possibility.  
  
"Let me consult my calendar," Severus replied dryly, giving Lupin a Look that spoke eloquently of his thoughts regarding Lupin's mental faculties. "If I have no conflicting appointments, I will go with you."  
  
Unless the library at Grimmauld Place had been purged, he knew it would be a good place to start. There were texts in that library that weren't available at Hogwarts, and he doubted McGonagall would let him use the school's library anyway. No doubt some of the books would require careful handling, but Lupin wasn't completely useless, and between the two of them, Severus thought they could handle whatever dangers the books might pose.  
  
Remus snorted in amusement, secretly pleased that Severus seemed to have recovered something of his old sarcastic sense of humor. The difference that showed between the Severus he had first come upon, the hopeless man who wished to destroy himself, brought him a sense of relief and joy, and he had to restrain himself from rushing across the room to press a kiss of approval to Severus' haughtily tilted nose.  
  
"I'll write you an excuse if anyone is going to be inconvenienced, but I must insist that you come with me," Remus said, prowling toward Severus with a rolling gait. If Severus wanted to play, Remus wasn't going to resist the opportunity. "Do you want me to sweep you off your feet?"  
  
"What?" Severus stared at Lupin, wide-eyed, and took a step back. "Of course not! I said I would go. There is no need to manhandle me." His heart was pounding, but he stood firm, refusing to retreat further no matter how much the thought of Lupin touching him unnerved him, especially after the most recent dream.  
  
"There isn't? That's definitely too bad," Remus said, stopping in his tracks and tilting his head to one side, golden eyes sparkling with humor. He didn't want to tease Severus too much, but he couldn't resist doing it just a little. After Severus' confession about the dreams and especially after waking up on Severus' sofa to find himself not only alive but also covered by Severus' comforter, Remus had no doubt that Severus didn't object to his attentions nearly as much as he liked to pretend. Yet he didn't want to push too hard and really upset Severus, especially if Severus was feeling more like his old self. Having his privates hexed off would definitely put a cramp in any further pursuit.  
  
As it was, he simply stood and enjoyed the sight of Severus facing him, admiring the proud angle of Severus' chin and the flush on his cheeks. "Well, since you don't want to be manhandled, would you prefer to Apparate us there? I have no objections at all to you touching me."  
  
Severus peered at him through narrowed eyes. "I have plenty of objections, but as there is no other viable means of transportation available, I suppose I have no choice."  
  
Grimacing, he moved closer; he had never been a particularly touchy person to begin with, and his prickly demeanor had kept people otherwise inclined to be overly familiar from touching him. But above and beyond his innate reluctance to touch and be touched, he knew touching Lupin was dangerous, and he didn't want to do it. Apparation was their only option, however, since his house wasn't connected to the Floo network and neither of them owned a broom, and at least if he was doing the Apparation, he could control the amount of contact.  
  
He drew his wand and gingerly rested his hand on Lupin's shoulder, and with a crack of displaced air, he Apparated them away from Spinner's End. There was a safe arrival point in an alley near Number 12 Grimmauld Place; he remembered it well enough to take them there safely, and as soon as they arrived, he dropped his hand from Lupin's shoulder.  
  
"There," he said, tucking his wand away again. "I suppose you had best lead the way to the house."  
  
"All right." Remus offered Severus a nod of thanks for getting them there, and then he turned and headed in the right direction.  
  
Fortunately, Severus had gotten them quite close, and within moments, they were standing before the house, which Remus was well aware that only he could see. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a piece of paper Hermione had given him; as Harry's Secret Keeper, only she could give people access to what was now Harry's home - even if Harry might never leave St. Mungo's and return to it again.  
  
Remus handed over the paper. "Hermione was quite pleased that you're working on this," he said. "I don't know if you realize just how much that young woman respects you and what you have sacrificed."  
  
Unfolding the slip of paper, Severus read it, and when he looked up, the house shimmered into view. It looked no less forbidding than it had when he had come here on Order business, and he imagined the interior was probably just as unwelcoming as it ever had been. Repressing a shiver, he handed the paper back to Lupin.  
  
"If she does," he said, "then you and she are the only ones who do. Everyone else seems to think I haven't done nearly enough to atone for my crimes. Perhaps if the Furies catch up with me, you can show the rest of the Order what's left of me. If that does not appease them, I doubt anything will," he added bitterly as he whirled and stalked toward the house.  
  
Remus trotted after Severus, catching up to him at the door and putting his hand on the latch before Severus could go in. "Hermione was willing to put her relationship with Ron in jeopardy just so that you could use the library. I can't speak for anyone else, Severus, and Merlin knows I can't change their minds, even though I've tried. But you aren't as alone as you think you are. Sometimes I think you are afraid to believe anyone might care about you, but unfortunately the ones of us who do care are no more capable of changing how we feel than the rest, so you're stuck with us."  
  
With that, Remus turned the knob and pushed the door open. Stepping back, he gestured for Severus to enter. "Welcome back, Severus."  
  
Severus hung back, silent as he gazed into the empty entrance hall. As much as it galled him to admit it, Lupin was right: he was afraid to believe anyone might care. It was easier and safer not to, especially when he had got his hopes up and had them dashed too many times in the past. At last, he drew himself up and shook his head. "Perhaps Granger respects my abilities," he said, "but you will not convince me that letting me use the library has anything to do with me. She would do anything to save the world in typical Gryffindor fashion. Dashing around on white chargers is what you lot do best."  
  
Bracing himself, he walked inside and made his way toward the library, surreptitiously getting his wand at the ready. If the books didn't pose a danger, the residents of the house very well might, and he had no intention of being caught unawares by either.  
  
Repressing a sigh, Remus followed in Severus' wake. It seemed that no matter what progress Severus had made in recent weeks, he still wasn't quite ready to accept that anyone really could care about him. Severus still had a way to go before he was back to himself, and Remus was determined to help him get there. White chargers had nothing to do with it, but Remus' feeling for Severus himself did.  
  
The sconces on the walls sprang into life as they entered the library, and Remus stood looking around the room with no little bit of trepidation. "There are a lot of books, and I'm not certain the Blacks were big on cataloging," he said. "What should we try first, do you think? Preferably something that isn't going to maim or kill us."  
  
"We should find as much information on the things that have manifested as possible," Severus replied, already on the prowl around the room to scan titles. "We need to find a connection between them if possible. We could also see if there is some sort of obscure magical significance to the date the manifestations began, although it may or may not be accurate. There is no real way of knowing when the basilisk first appeared or if it is indeed the first manifestation."  
  
"Right," Remus agreed. "I haven't been able to find anything before that one, but it doesn't mean there wasn't one. Or more. Or that things were going on even before the end of the war and we were too busy to notice!"  
  
He moved to the bookshelves as well, wand out, and murmured a charm to detect any obvious traps on the nearest books. These appeared clean, and he leaned closer to peer at the titles. "Oh, my. I've never seen so many biographies of Salazar Slytherin in one place before!"  
  
"Of course not. I doubt any copies at all would have been made available in the Gryffindor common room, but we knew how to learn from our predecessors," Severus replied, injecting as much sneering scorn toward Gryffindors as he possibly could into the words.  
  
After several minutes of just looking to see what was available, Severus selected a heavy leather-bound book on mythological creatures, and he settled at a small table with a quill and the sheaf of notes he had brought with him. It was a more in-depth text, and he hoped to find some clues that might help them link the incidents, however tenuously. Granted, he wasn't certain how Devil's Snare and a basilisk could possibly be connected, but there had to be something. It was simply a matter of looking long and hard enough to find it. With an air of renewed determination, he set to poring through the book and making copious notes; if one chance to use the library was all he was to get, he intended to make the most of it.  
  
Remus snorted at Severus' remark, biting his tongue to keep from making any tart comment about just what the Slytherins had learned from their namesake. It was enough that Severus felt like making a reply, and so Remus settled into the companionable silence as they continued to look.  
  
He was aware of Severus taking out a book and settling at a table, but he forced himself to continue his perusal of the books, looking for anything that struck him as relevant. What they probably should be doing was a methodical read-through of everything, but that would take weeks or perhaps even months; it was better to see if they lucked out and struck gold based on their instincts first, and if that didn't pay off, perhaps it would be necessary to commit more time to a in-depth study of every book in the room.  
  
After looking at three shelves and not finding anything that really leapt out at him, Remus decided to try serendipity. He moved to the fourth row, closing his eyes and drawing a breath, then running his fingers lightly over the hard spines. When it felt "right", he stopped, opened his eyes, and pulled the book off the shelf without even thinking about it.  
  
"Thee Tome of Summoning and Calling Creatures of Thee Darkeness," he read out loud. Giants weren't Dark, but Basilisks were, and since the creatures must have somehow been brought from somewhere, it seemed as good as place as any to start. Crossing to Severus' table, he settled down opposite, smiling at Severus' bent head. "You seem to be making progress, at least."  
  
Something about the situation - himself hunched over an open book and a stack of notes, Lupin approaching him - seemed familiar, and when Severus glanced up, he half-expected to see Lupin sitting there in school robes with a prefect badge on the breast. He blinked, feeling a moment of disorientation while the memory passed; for a moment, he was worried he might be having a relapse, but his mind cleared, and he mustered a scowl.  
  
"I am, and I will continue to do so as long as I am not interrupted by idle chatter," he said. "We are here to work, not talk."  
  
"Of course, Severus." Remus still felt amused despite the rebuff. He was perversely glad just to be here in Severus' company, and he spared a moment to stick out his mental tongue at the lupine side of his nature, the part that wanted to curl up under the table at Severus' feet and rest his chin on Severus' knee. No doubt if Severus didn't want to talk, an action like that would get an even sharper reaction, but it was rather pleasant to contemplate someday having the opportunity to try it.  
  
Turning his attention back to his book, Remus focused on looking for anything relevant to their situation, but while the detailed instructions for attracting and binding a Boggart to a particular place were fascinating, they didn't really have anything to do with the larger and far more disturbing manifestations they had seen thus far.  
  
"I wish it were just a bunch of Boggarts. At least then we would know what we were dealing with," Remus murmured under his breath. He turned the page of his book, and he had just enough time to read Werewolves at the top before he was suddenly thrown from his chair to the floor, writhing in pain as he felt what seemed like several red-hot daggers thrusting all at once into his gut. He gasped, but long experience from the war kept him from crying out in his agony.  
  
Severus leaped to his feet and drew his wand as quick as thought the moment Lupin went crashing to the floor, adrenaline pumping through his veins; his mind was overwhelmed by the urge to fight, the unexpected sight giving him flashbacks to the war, to other scenes of pain and fear he had witnessed. Pressing the heel of his palm against his forehead, he forced himself to focus. The war was over! This was not an attack or a skirmish, and he was not about to be ambushed by anyone, not here.  
  
Clenching his wand tightly, he glanced at the book and saw Lupin had turned to a page with a spell for summoning werewolves, and he supposed it had affected Lupin somehow. He knelt beside Lupin swiftly and raised his wand. "Finite Incantatem!"  
  
There was a tingle of magic, and Remus opened his eyes to find Severus leaning over him, so close that Remus could have reached up to touch his cheek had he been able to move his hands from his abdomen. As it was, all he could do was bare his teeth as the spell Severus cast made the pain even worse, and a low, feral whimper was torn from his throat in reaction as the wolf rose in his eyes, not in anger but in an animal appeal for Severus to end his suffering.  
  
Damn. Severus studied Lupin with a dispassionate gaze, trying to ignore the pleading look in Lupin's eyes. He could see the wolf rising in the golden depths, and it made him shiver, although he refused to examine the reasons why too closely. Trying to end the spell hadn't worked, so what would? He rose and looked at the book again, reading more closely this time, his mind racing as he tried to think of a solution. Perhaps, he thought, the problem was that Lupin had triggered a summoning, but he had nowhere to go since technically, no one had summoned him.  
  
With a flick of his wand, Severus levitated the book and directed it to trail along behind him while he crossed the room. He kept it hovering where he could glance over and read it, and he lifted his wand, pronouncing the words of the spell in a strong, clear voice. Summoning Lupin across the room might be a silly idea, but if it fulfilled the demands of the spell, it would be worth the effort.  
  
Remus was aware when Severus left his side, and he cried out again, unable to help it as he wondered if Severus really would just walk off and leave him, perhaps to die. He'd thought Severus had more compassion for him than that, but his pain-addled mind only knew that suddenly Severus wasn't there, and that any hope of an end to this had probably gone with him.  
  
Then there were words, spoken in Severus' voice, and the pain mercifully receded. In its place, however, there was a compulsion, a need to roll to his feet and stagger over to where Severus stood. Remus didn't care about why it was, or how it had happened; he was too grateful for the end of his torment and the sight of Severus' face to do anything more than go exactly where he wanted to anyway, which was to Severus' side, where he sagged weakly against Severus' shoulder.  
  
"Thank you," he murmured, closing his eyes and shivering as he wrapped his arms around Severus' waist to keep himself upright. "Thank you for stopping the pain."  
  
Severus hadn't fully expected the summoning to work; he certainly hadn't expected to end up with Lupin draped all over him! He held himself stiffly, trying to ignore the warm press of Lupin's body, and lifted one hand to nudge Lupin's shoulder, wanting to put some distance between them. "I could hardly get any work done with you screaming and writhing all over the floor. There is a chair behind you if you need to sit down."  
  
"No, I need to be here," Remus said, still holding on to Severus tightly. It was true, even if it wasn't a magical compulsion as the summoning had been. He needed to be close to Severus just to take comfort in being able to touch him, to be soothed by knowing that Severus had saved him, even if that saving seemed more than a wee bit grudging.  
  
As he stood clinging to Severus like a vine, there was a startled sound from the doorway, and Remus turned his head to see a wide-eyed Hermione Granger standing there, blinking at them in surprise. He tightened his arms around Severus lest Severus try to pull back, not wanting any perception that they were doing anything wrong.  
  
"Hullo, Hermione," he said, his voice rough and husky. "We seem to have had a spot of difficulty."  
  
Severus stared down at Lupin in bewilderment. He needed to be there, clinging to Severus? What the devil was Severus meant to do about that? He wasn't good at offering solace at the best of times, and these were not the best of times for him; practical advice was more his forte when dealing with his former students.  
  
Speaking of former students, Granger was now goggling at them, and before he could try to pry Lupin off, Lupin had tightened his grip, leaving Severus with no recourse but to stand there. He scowled at Granger, silently daring her to utter a single derogatory word.  
  
"He was affected by a book containing a spell for summoning werewolves," Severus said curtly. "I had to complete the summons before it would release him from the spell. This is the aftermath."  
  
"I see." She appeared to compose herself after the initial surprise of coming across them in such a state, and she nodded briskly. "I don't want to interrupt. I just came to see if you could use any help. I've read a number of the books already. Not the Dark Arts, of course, but I'm familiar with what's here."  
  
Severus hesitated, tempted to tell her to get the hell out, but the truth was, they could use an extra pair of eyes, and she was a clever witch who excelled at research. If there was anyone who would be an ideal assistant in this endeavor, it was Granger, and Severus was nothing if not a pragmatist.  
  
"My notes are on the table there," he said, pointing to the table where he had been working. "You will find a list of the unexplained events in approximate chronological order. At present, we are attempting to find a connection between them."  
  
Remus watched Hermione cross to the table, more than a tiny bit amused that Severus hadn't tried to rip away from him dramatically. Amused and also pleased, because perhaps on some level it meant that Severus was coming to accept him just a little bit. In Remus' book, that was a occurrence devoutly to be wished.  
  
Still, Remus didn't want to push his luck too much, and with some regret, he drew a deep, shuddery breath and straightened. If Hermione hadn't arrived, he might have been tempted to kiss Severus in thanks, but that was now out of the question. Instead he smiled and released Severus reluctantly, taking an unsteady step away from him.  
  
"Thank you for saving me from that book," he said, giving Severus a smile that held real gratitude. "I think I won't touch it again. But you might want to look through the rest of it, Hermione. I doubt it will hurt you."  
  
"Mmm..." Hermione was already engrossed in Severus' notes, and Remus smiled, amused by her instant absorption. He drew in another breath and turned to look at the nearest bookshelf in order to keep himself from reaching out to touch Severus again as he very badly wished to do.  
  
As soon as Lupin released him, Severus moved away quickly and returned to the table; the book bobbed along behind him, and he reached out to pluck it from the air, handling it with trepidation. He supposed there weren't any spells in there for "Death Eaters, the Summoning of", but he was wary of it nonetheless after what had happened to Lupin. He did peek at Lupin, however, although it was for no other reason than to make certain he wasn't on the verge of collapse. It would be quite vexing if they had to cut their research session short in order to cart Lupin to St. Mungo's, and that, he told himself firmly, was the only reason he cared.  
  
He flipped through the book slowly, his mind racing as he turned over the possibilities of the creatures being summoned by spells such as these. But for what purpose and by whom? The spells could be performed from a considerable distance from the creature being summoned, but one would need to be where the summoned creatures were wanted. Why would anyone try to summon Devil's Snare to some remote part of the Tower of London? How could they have done it without someone noticing? It didn't make sense.  
  
A soft sound got his attention, dragging him out of his reverie, and he glanced up to see Granger staring at the list of events, her brown eyes growing wide and round.  
  
"I think I know what the connection is," she said faintly.  
  
"What?" Remus turned from the shelf with a start. "You do? What? How?"  
  
"It's just there are things neither of you know - not about this," Hermione pointed at the timeline, "but about... Harry. That's what the common factor is in these occurrences; they are all things that somehow happened to Harry or that he came into contact with while we were at Hogwarts!"  
  
Severus threw up his hands in disgust. He should have known this would have something to do with Potter! Everything else in the world seemed to center around that bloody boy, so why not this? Gritting his teeth, he slammed the book shut and stalked over to Granger. "Explain," he demanded curtly.  
  
She glanced up at him, a flash of apprehension in her eyes as if she were suddenly having flashbacks to Potions and was afraid he would take points if she answered incorrectly. "Well," she said, swallowing hard. "The basilisk is obvious. You were there when the Chamber of Secrets was opened," she said, looking at Severus. "I'm sure you heard about it as well," she added, glancing at Lupin. "During our First Year, there was the philosopher's stone, which had both Devil's Snare and a three-headed dog like the one that has appeared in front of Azkaban guarding it, and..." Her expression turned a bit sheepish. "He and Ron ran into the acromantulas that live in the Forbidden Forest once, too."  
  
"Oh, really." Severus folded his arms and glared, wishing it was possible to take about a thousand retroactive points for that.  
  
"Hermione, are you saying that you think Harry is causing these manifestations?" Remus asked, not able to wrap his mind around the concept, not yet. "Even if they are things that he came into contact with, why in the world are they manifesting now?"  
  
"I don't know if Harry is causing them," she said, shrugging helplessly. "But almost everything else on this list is connected to him in some way."  
  
"Oh, of course he is causing them!" Severus barked, unable to hold back his vitriol any longer. "It doesn't matter how or why, only that the bloody brat has made the world all about him again, and it is up to us to pull him back from the brink of danger - again! Good God, I'm beginning to think the only reason I was put on this earth was to save Harry bloody Potter's life over and over!"  
  
"Severus..." Remus moved closer, concerned about the genuine fury he heard in Severus' voice. "We don't know. Besides... what about the manifestation at Spinner's End? Harry never had any contact with ancient Greek dieties, did he?"  
  
"Not that I know of, but considering what they do and how much he hates Professor Snape..." Granger trailed off and bit her lip. "It's the only anomaly on the list, but it does make an odd sort of sense, if you think about it."  
  
Severus clenched his hands into fists at his sides, his growing wrath too great even for the Calming Concoction to soothe. "It is him. It must be him. Give me one good reason why I should not walk away and leave him to rot in that damned hospital and let basilisks and giants take over the entire British Wizarding world."  
  
For once Remus was stumped, all reasoned argument gone as he stared in horror at Severus. If it were true, if Harry was causing this somehow, then Harry was responsible for the Furies coming after Severus and nearly killing him. The wolf within Remus, the part of him that had attacked the Furies without thought, howled at that, angry for the danger Severus had been put in. The human part was both sad and a bit bitter; Harry had already been in his fugue by the time evidence of Severus' innocence had been revealed, and so he was punishing Severus unjustly.  
  
"I don't know," Remus said softly. "I don't know why you shouldn't, other than I don't think it would be the right thing to do. Not just for Harry, but for yourself. You sacrificed everything to save the Wizarding World before. Could you really stand by and watch it crumble about you now?"  
  
"It's not conscious," Hermione piped up. "When you look at it, it's almost like he's going through his life and the things that touched him again. And begging your pardon, Professor Snape, but you hated him every bit as much as he hated you, and it was years before he even knew why. Not that that excuses what happened with you being attacked, but I don't think Harry is controlling this so much as just being the source. Like nightmares coming to life."  
  
The thought that it was not a deliberate, malicious attack mollified Severus, but not by much. All the seething resentment he had felt came surging to the forefront again; he had been used and used and used until there was scarcely anything left, but he was being called on to do the same damned thing all over again. The most annoying part was that Lupin was right. He could not stand idly by and let this happen, no matter what or who was causing it. Dumbledore would have wanted him to help, a thought that made him angry and sad at the same time. It was all about Potter again, as it usually was. Severus didn't matter as long as Potter was safe.  
  
He glanced sidelong at Lupin. Except perhaps Severus mattered to one person. Perhaps.  
  
"Fine," he snarled, reaching out to snatch his notes from Granger's hand. "I will stay and help, but once this mess is cleaned up, I am finished - for good. Not one of you had better come crawling to my door, asking for help, especially not on Potter's behalf ever again. Is that clear?"  
  
"Yes, Severus," Remus said, his voice gentle and soothing. He recognized that Severus seemed to need to feel some control in this situation, and he understood that. So much of Severus' life had not been lived for himself or at his own pleasure, all because of a single bad choice made when he was far too young. It was a circumstance that Remus could relate to all too well. "I understand." More than you realize.  
  
Turning to Hermione, Remus raised a brow. "You know Harry better than probably anyone. From what I understand, the Healers have no idea why Harry is unconscious. Do you have any theories on that? Or on how he might possibly be affecting things without even being aware?"  
  
Hermione bit her lip, and for one of the few times Remus could remember, he saw her look almost frightened. "I don't know, actually. But I think we'd better find out before he dreams up the entire war. If he could bring back a Basilisk and a giant and move the entire Forbidden Forest close to Hogwarts, there's a chance he could bring back anything \- even Voldemort himself!"


	12. Chapter 12

Severus had tossed and turned for hours, not wanting to take a sleeping potion again. The Calming Concoction soothed his jangled nerves, but it didn't knock him out, and in the still, cold hours of the night when every little noise made him fear the return of the Furies and his own mind tumbled and roiled, refusing to settle down so he could fall asleep, he needed more than that potion offered. He hated being forced to take potions, however. That he needed the Calming Concoction was bad enough, but he didn't want to rely on sleeping potions as well; he would rather get what little rest he could than be forced to down potions both day and night in order to function like a relatively normal human being.  
  
Thus he had barely managed to doze off when he was startled awake by the sound of the front door bursting open; he sat up, groping uselessly for his wand, wide-eyed with terror at the thought of the Furies having got past his wards somehow, but the voices he heard were squeaky, not at all like the voices of the Furies. Before he could get out of bed to investigate, his bedroom door flew open, and a throng of house-elves poured into the room.  
  
They were not the kind of house-elves he was accustomed to seeing, however. They were dressed not in tea towels but in black vests, black trousers, and heavy boots, and some of them were even wearing black wool hats and what appeared to be sunglasses. The only thing that kept him from trying to scrounge his wand from beneath his pillow and blasting them where they stood was the fact that the wards were set to allow any being that had no intent to harm him through; the house-elves had got through, which must mean they didn't intend him personally any harm.  
  
"We is claiming this house in the name of S.P.E.W.!" The house-elf in front proclaimed.  
  
Severus stared at him blankly. "Spew?"  
  
"The Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare!" The rest of the house-elves congregating behind him nodded, and Severus had a vague niggle of familiarity in the back of his mind, but he couldn't quite figure out why. "We is needing a headquarters. This will do." The leader whipped off his dark glasses and peered at Severus, his bulbous eyes narrowed speculatively. "But we is not wanting any human intervention. You is going now!"  
  
"What? But this is my house!"  
  
"Not your house now!" the leader exclaimed, cackling.  
  
Before Severus could blink, his sheets were unceremoniously yanked off, and he found himself hoisted up in the air and levitated across the room by the combined magic of several of the house-elves. He shouted protests all the way down the stairs, but they fell on deaf ears. One house-elf held open the front door, and those that had been levitating him gave a little magical push to toss him out of the house, where he landed on his bony arse on the walk.  
  
He sat there, stunned and shivering in his thin night shirt, wondering if this was some bizarre dream and if he would wake up any moment now. The front door creaked open again, and he twisted around, looking hopefully to see if they were going to let him back in, but he saw nothing - until his wand came sailing out and struck his head before clattering to the ground.  
  
"What about my clothes?" he roared at the door as it swung shut. "My books? My - my everything!"  
  
"We is claiming them for the benefit of free house-elves everywhere!" came the distant response, and Severus sat and boggled some more. He wasn't certain how long he sat there, trying to process what had happened, which wasn't easy given how fantastical it was and how dazed and drowsy he was. Who would believe he had been thrown out of his own home by militant house-elves?  
  
Rising to his feet, he strode to the front door and banged on it, but the new residents ignored him. He grabbed the knob and tried to turn it, but it was locked, and "alohomora", no matter how forcefully uttered, refused to budge the lock. He tried every way he could think of, both physical and magical, to break in through the door or a window, but to no avail. He caught sight of some of the house-elves through the window, and they waved at him cheerfully, which only served to infuriate him more.  
  
In the end, however, he had to concede defeat. They had sealed up the house tight against him, and he was now homeless on top of being jobless and half-mad. "Things just keep getting better," he muttered, his tone dire.  
  
Fawkes appeared and lighted on his shoulder, a questioning note in his crooning.  
  
"I don't know what happened," Severus said, reaching up to stroke Fawkes' head. "I am not certain what to do now, either."  
  
He had limited options, which was nothing new. Standing out here in his nightshirt was not one of them, however. He was inside the wards, but he didn't want to tempt fate - or the Furies - by remaining out in the open for long. He couldn't take the Knight Bus to the Leaky Cauldron because he had no money; the only modes of transportation open to him were walking or Apparating, but there weren't many places where he could go and would not be turned away.  
  
Indeed, he could think of only one: Grimmauld Place. Lupin lived there now, and he would let Severus in. Perhaps they could devise a way to take back his home from the house-elves or at least get his belongings out. If that didn't work, Lupin could take him to Diagon Alley, and he could make a withdrawal from his vault at Gringotts. Lupin could likely suggest a place to get second-hand clothes and a cheap place to stay. It wasn't ideal; his house was paid for, which meant neither rent nor a mortgage, and he couldn't really afford to rent a place for long without it depleting his funds, even with the money coming in from the werewolves, but unless they could find a way to dislodge the house-elves, he wouldn't have a choice.  
  
"I'm going to Number 12 Grimmauld Place," he said, turning his head to look at Fawkes. "Meet me there."  
  
Fawkes gave an acknowledging chirp and fluttered off Severus' shoulder, and Severus drew his wand and Apparated away, landing in the safe area near the old Black house. The walk was cold, chilling his bare feet until they felt numb, and he wound his arms around himself as he strode to the house, trying to ward off the pre-dawn chill with little success. He huddled on the front steps, his teeth chattering, and rapped soundly with the knocker, hoping someone would wake up and hear; otherwise, he was going to be stuck outside, freezing his balls off, until the household awoke.  
  
Remus started at the sound of the knocker, blinking as he looked at the clock and realized he had been up all night.  Books were spread out all around him, on the couch and the table and even on the floor, bits of parchment stuck between the pages to mark things Remus thought might be relevant. Now that they were certain Harry was the source of the disturbances, it was more crucial than ever that they find a way to rouse him before the unthinkable happened.  
  
He'd even gone through several Muggle books on psychiatry and medicine, some of which were total nonsense and others of which were completely beyond his comprehension.  Those he had set aside for Hermione to go through later, since she had far more knowledge of Muggle matters than he did, and her parents were in the medical field as well.  There were still a huge number of books to go through, and in his absorption, Remus hadn't noticed the passage of time.  Still, that didn't explain who was banging on the door so early in the morning at a house that was invisible to all but a few, and Remus hauled himself to his feet as quickly as he could move, wincing as cramped muscles rebelled.  Whoever was there, no doubt it wasn't good news, not at this hour.  All he could hope was that whatever had happened, it wasn't too terribly bad.  
  
Raking a hand through his hair, Remus stumbled toward the door, wincing as he struck his bare toe on the door frame.  He bit back a curse, hoping the noise wouldn't rouse Ron and Hermione, and he opened the door, only to blink in surprise at the sight of a cold, cranky, nightshirt-clad ex-Potions Master standing on the stoop.  
  
"Severus?  What in Merlin's name... Come in before you freeze!" Remus gasped, concern immediately overcoming his surprise.  Taking Severus by the arm, he pulled him into the house, shutting the door before stripping his jumper over his head and wrapping it around Severus' shoulders.  Then he steered Severus toward the parlor, drawing his wand as they entered and pointing it toward the fireplace, causing it to roar to heated life.  "Sit down, please. Tea?  You certainly look like you could use it!"  
  
Severus tugged the wool jumper closer around himself and hurried over to the fireplace to stand before it, warming his back first. "Yes, tea. As hot as possible," he said through still chattering teeth. "I've been evicted."  
  
"Evicted?" Remus stared at Severus, dumbfounded, but then he recovered and moved to the pot of tea he had sitting on the low table amid the books.  A tap of his wand reheated the liquid, and he poured his cup full to the brim and brought it back to Severus, offering it up with a lopsided smile.  "Who is the world evicted you at this hour of the morning and in your nightshirt?  I thought you owned your house, right?"  
  
"I do!" Severus was still fuming, but he didn't hesitate to accept the cup of tea, curling his fingers around it and letting it warm them before taking a ginger sip. "I was in bed, and suddenly, the front door flew open, and a gaggle of house-elves came in and announced they were claiming it in the name of spew. Then they chucked me out."  
  
"House-elves?  Spew?"  Remus gaped at Severus, unable to process what Severus was telling him.  It didn't make any sense, and yet there was no way Severus would have come here in his sodding nightshirt if it wasn't.  
  
Of course, it was at that moment when Remus' brain decided to take notice of the fact that Severus was barely dressed. Thin as he was, there was a delicacy to Severus' body that he found appealing, and in a way, Severus in a nightshirt reminded Remus of a young boy fleeing nightmares and needing comfort by the fire.  Remus desperately wanted to give that comfort, anything and everything Severus would accept from him.   
  
Drawing in a deep breath, Remus smacked down his suddenly interested libido and smiled instead.  "Well, if it is Harry causing this, I must say it's not as bad as it could have been, right?  I'm sure we can get this cleared up.  Hermione has a way with house-elves. Maybe they'll listen to her?"  
  
Severus stared at him blankly. "Not as bad as it could have been? I was tossed out of my own house in the middle of the night with only my wand and the questionable clothes on my back! Unless Granger finds a way to evict them, I'm going to have to find a cheap flat to rent and buy new clothes. I was reduced to banging on my own front door to no avail, and then I had to come here and hope someone would hear me. The only possible way it could have been worse was if it had been raining or the Furies had showed up, but it looks pretty damned bad to me."  
  
Remus sighed, unable to resist lifting his hand and pushing a lock of hair back from Severus' cheek tenderly.  "Only your dignity was injured; it could have been much worse.  You could have been hurt, and I wouldn't have been there to help you this time."  He shivered, suddenly realizing that it really could have ended with Severus injured or even dead, and his eyes flashed, golden and possessive, as the wolf made its dislike of that option known.  "No, you won't have to find a flat, and you won't go back to that house.  Until we can end this, you can stay here.  That way I can make certain nothing happens to you!"  
  
For a moment, Severus couldn't quite believe he had heard correctly. First Lupin had touched him - although that wasn't exactly surprising - and then Lupin had expressed the preposterous notion that Severus could stay in this house. Potter's house.  
  
"Stay here? Are you mad? Weasley loathes me. You said yourself that Granger nearly sacrificed her relationship with him just to get me in the house for one day. Do you really think he will let me live here?" He shook his head. "Wards can be cast around a flat as well as a house."  
  
"But this house is Unplottable, and it has better protections than even you can cast," Remus said.  Now that the idea had occurred to him, he was not going to let go of it so easily.  "I don't think that Harry would expect you to be here, and that is a measure of protection as well."  He crossed his arms over his chest, his face flushed.  "As far as Ron is concerned, I'll handle him.  We're all here because of Harry, and Ron needs to accept that.  You're helping Harry, and I think it's about time that some people just bloody well get over the past and move on!"  
  
Severus fell silent, staring at him in the wake of that vehement outburst. He didn't know what to say; he wasn't accustomed to people standing up for him. He was far more used to being left to fend for himself without any support. Unable to think of any kind of response, he sank down into the nearest chair and sipped his tea; he was no longer shivering, and while his feet were still cold, the rest of him was warming up nicely.  
  
He wasn't certain he wanted to stay in this house; it was hardly a cheerful place, especially not for someone with his depressive tendencies, but it would save him the cost of renting a flat, and pragmatism won out. "Do as you please," he said at last. "I suppose if you can convince the boy to tolerate my presence, it will make our research process easier as I will have access to the library."  
  
"That, too," Remus agreed, relieved Severus wasn't going to argue the point.  Ron would argue, but Remus wasn't about to back down.  This was too important, not just for Severus' safety, but because Remus genuinely wanted Severus here, nearby where Remus could be close to him.  
  
Turning, Remus began straightening the books he had piled on the low table, needing to do something with his hands so that he didn't give in to the impulse to touch Severus as he so badly wished to do.  "I'll talk to Ron, but not right now; he's not a morning person at the best of times, and I don't want to wake him up for this."  Smiling, he straightened.  "Why don't I take you to my room, and you can try to get a couple of more hours of sleep?  I'll stay down here on the sofa."  
  
Severus hesitated, wondering if the effort of trying to get back to sleep after all the excitement; he felt tired, but that was hardly unusual. Still, considering he had barely got to sleep before the house-elves barged in, perhaps he would be able to get a little more sleep after all. "All right," he said. It would be safe, not only from the Furies but also from Lupin if he kept his word to remain on the sofa. He finished his tea and stood, unwrapping the jumper from around his shoulders and handing it back to Lupin. "Fawkes should be showing up eventually," he added. "I told him where I was going. He'll need food and a place to perch."  
  
"I'll arrange it as soon as I come back downstairs," Remus promised, taking the jumper and resisting the urge to bring it to his nose to catch Severus' scent.  He had it bad, but there didn't seem to be any hope; all he could do was keep Severus as safe as possible and hope that someday, maybe, Severus would be willing to accept him as a friend, if nothing more.  
  
He crossed to the door, beckoning Severus to follow.  "I'm on the second floor. Ron and Hermione are up on the third, thank Merlin," he said, his voice low.  They mounted the stairs, and Remus opened the first door at the top, stepping inside and crossing to his dresser.  The bed had obviously not been slept in, but he thought Severus would probably be more comfortable about that anyway.  
  
There was a fresh set of clothes, dark trousers and a jumper, in his dresser, and Remus took them out and offered them to Severus.  "You'll probably have to alter them to fit, but it's better than nothing for now.  I trust you remember where the loo is?"  
  
"Yes, of course." Severus took the clothes, eying them dubiously. Considering the difference in their heights, anything of Lupin's would be too small, but at least he had his wand so he wouldn't be forced to rely on anyone to alter the clothes for him. He glanced over at the bed, noting it was still made. "What were you doing? Sleeping curled up on the floor?"  
  
Remus chuckled, shaking his head.  "No, I'd not gone to bed at all. I've been up reading, surprise surprise."  He sighed then, unable to think of any further reason to stay, but not really wanting to go.  "Well.  I'll just be downstairs then, if you need anything.  You can call out. I'll probably hear you." Moving to the door, he paused.  "Are you certain you don't need anything else, Severus?  I don't mind helping; you've had a nasty night and deserve a bit of care-taking, if you want it."  
  
Once again, Severus had no idea how to respond. People simply didn't make such offers to him, and he shook his head wordlessly, too accustomed to complete independence to accept. "I need a lot of things, Lupin, but you can provide none of them," he said tartly.  
  
That reply startled a laugh out of Remus.  "Oh, don't be too sure of that, Severus," he said, letting his voice fall into a low, husky growl.  "Well, then... sweet dreams."  With that, he stepped through the door and closed it behind him softly.  As he went downstairs again, he continued to smile; no doubt Harry wouldn't be best pleased to know that Severus was here, but at the moment, Remus could have hugged the boy for bringing Severus to him like this.  
  
Alone in the bedroom, Severus stood unmoving for a moment, looking around and waiting to see if Lupin invented an excuse to return. Lupin kept the room tidy, he noted, and it looked as cozy and inviting as any room in this house could look. Lupin had made a home out of the small room, although Severus supposed Lupin was accustomed to small living quarters.  
  
He felt at something of a loss as well in an unfamiliar environment after a startling and unexpected shake-up in the middle of the night. It all seemed rather surreal, and he dazedly wondered when he was going to wake up. After a couple of minutes, he shook off the mental haze and put the clothes Lupin had given him aside, and then he turned back the covers and crawled into bed. Curling up on his side, he burrowed under the covers to warm up, surrounded by soft sheets and a scent he found comforting until he realized it reminded him of Lupin. Exhausted by the lack of sleep and the shock of what had happened, it didn't take long for him to drift off for once.  
  
"Welcome to my bed, Severus."   
  
The covers were thrown back, but Remus was warming Severus with his own body, and Severus wound his arms around Remus' shoulders and nestled closer, seeking the offered heat eagerly.   
  
"I have you right where I want you at last."   
  
"I rather thought you had had me in every possible way already," Severus replied, raising one eyebrow, and Remus laughed.   
  
"In one sense, yes, but you know what I want." Remus stroked his cheek tenderly. "Take off the mask."   
  
"I can't..."   
  
Remus sighed and fell silent, and for a moment, Severus was terrified he was going to lose his dream lover and be just as alone in his dreams as he was in his waking life, but then Remus kissed him, and Severus moaned gratefully and parted his lips, wanting to give whatever Remus wanted to make up for his refusal.   
  
"Don't leave me," he whispered, willing to plead if he had to. "Everything is being stripped away. I have nothing left but the clothes on my back. You can't leave."   
  
"Shh..." Remus gathered him close and brushed kisses along his cheek and jaw, murmuring reassuringly. "It's all right. I won't leave."   
  
"Don't..."   
  
"Don't leave me." The words seemed louder than a whisper, spoken to the empty room as Severus awoke and peered out at the world with bleary eyes. Flinging back the covers with a low snarl, he gave up all thought of trying to get more sleep, but he didn't feel as muzzy-headed as he had, so he thought perhaps he'd got three or four hours. He flicked his wand to make up the bed with tight corners and no wrinkles, and then he set about altering Lupin's clothes. At least, he thought, Lupin hadn't tried to give him anything light colored. The trousers were black, and the jumper was dark green; both were worn and a bit shabby, but they weren't patched or darned anywhere visible, and with a bit of alteration, they fit Severus well enough. They were loose, but his own clothes had been loose as well, a side-effect of the weight he had lost over the past year.  
  
He made his way to the loo to freshen up as best he could without his own toiletries, and then he girded himself to go downstairs. The other residents of the house were probably up by now, and he knew a confrontation awaited him with at least one of them, and he was ready to get it over with.  
  
Remus had managed to doze for a few hours on the parlor sofa, finally lulled to sleep by the crackling flames.  He had dreamed of Severus, not surprisingly, but he had no doubt that his subconscious' romantic turn was not something Severus would ever be willing to accept from him.  Yes, Severus had admitted to having erotic dreams about Remus, and he had turned to Remus in his time of need, but somehow Remus had the feeling that when Severus managed to find his way back, he'd be gone from Remus' life again as quickly as he could.   
  
The sound of voices had woken him, and he peered up through bleary eyes at Ron and Hermione, who looked back at him - Ron with amusement, Hermione with exasperation.  Remus pulled himself into an upright position, offering them a rather crooked smile. "Sorry, I was working late, and then... well.  I'll get to that. Have you had tea?  I think you're going to need it."  And a Calming Concoction for Ron, if only I had one on hand!  
  
Hope leapt into Hermione's eyes.  "Did you find something?" she asked eagerly.  "Something to help Harry?"  
  
"Did you?" Ron echoed her question, grinning widely.  "Good on you, Remus!"  
  
Rising to his feet, Remus held up a hand to quiet them.  "It's not like that. I'm sorry, but there is something I need to talk with you about," he replied, sighing as he watched the light on their faces fade away into disappointment.  "I didn't find anything, but something found me.  Or us.  Look, why don't we have tea first?  I don't know about you but I'm so knackered, I can't think straight."  
  
"I'll get it," Hermione said, picking up the pot and Remus' cup - the one Severus had last used - and taking them to the kitchen.   
  
"Thanks," Remus said gratefully, and then he turned to straightening up books so that there would be a place for all of them to sit.  
  
"Whatever this is... is it going to upset Hermione?" Ron asked in a low voice, and Remus turned to him in surprise.  It was all Remus could do to keep from laughing out loud. If Ron only knew that Remus was far more concerned about his reaction than Hermione's!  
  
"No, I really don't think it will, or at least... I think that will depend on you."  Remus sighed again and sank down onto the sofa.  He held up a hand as Ron started to protest.  "No, I'm not saying that to be cagey, Ron, I promise.  It's just that Hermione's happiness is quite dependent upon you, isn't it?  You are both strong willed people who care deeply for each other.  Sometimes that can lead to pain when you don't agree, right?"  
  
"This has to do with Harry?" Ron asked, obviously baffled.  "I don't understand..."  
  
At that moment, Hermione returned, and Remus could have kissed her for her timing.  He didn't want to get into this with Ron without Hermione's influence; while Remus had no intention of being swayed by any objections, he didn't want to appear to be going behind her back or assuming her complete cooperation if she wasn't willing to give it.  
  
Tea was poured out quickly, with Ron darting searching looks in Remus' direction.  As Remus stirred sugar into his cup, his lycanthrope hearing caught a sound on the stairs, and he glanced toward the doorway, an unconscious smile on his face as Severus came into view.  "Ah, good - you're just in time, Severus.  Would you like a cup of tea?"  
  
"What's he doing here at this hour?" Ron asked, his face going red as he glared at Severus.  He rose to his feet, and Remus was reminded all at once just how big Ron had gotten in the last few years.  Bigger than he himself, but then Ron didn't have werewolf strength and speed - and Remus wouldn't hesitate to use either in Severus' defense.  
  
"He is right here, and I don't think you should talk about Severus as though he wasn't in the room," Remus said, his voice low but very firm.  "Something has happened that we, the residents of this house, need to discuss.  Like the adults we are, right?"  
  
"Right," Hermione said, although Remus saw her give Ron a doubtful look.  "Sit down, Ron.  Hello, Professor Snape. Won't you join us?  How do you take your tea?"  
  
Remus scooted over on the sofa, making room for Severus next to him, just in case Severus would be more comfortable if he were close enough that Remus could defend him.  He didn't know if Ron had his wand or not, but Remus thought the young man far more likely to attack with fists rather than magic if the mood took him.  
  
Severus lifted his chin proudly as he walked into the room, and he peered at Weasley with the haughtiest expression he could muster. He had been that boy's teacher for six years and seen him blunder his way through lessons, paying more attention to the Chudley Cannons than to his homework, and he could not possibly intimidate Severus.  
  
"I am here, Weasley, because a throng of house-elves claimed my house in the name of S.P.E.W. in order to use it as their headquarters." He turned to Granger with a withering look. Now that the shock of the experience had worn off, he had remembered why "S.P.E.W." sounded so familiar, and vague memories of Granger going on about house-elf rights had resurfaced. He also remembered McGonagall complaining about how none of the house-elves were willing to clean Gryffindor Tower a couple of years ago because Granger was hiding clothes around the room, trying to free them. "You wouldn't know anything about that, I suppose."  
  
"Really?" Rather than seeming cowed, Granger was positively alight at the news. "That's wonderful! I mean..." She faltered and gave him a contrite look. "Not wonderful for you, but I'm glad the house-elves have finally come to their senses and realized it's time to cast off the shackles of oppression and slavery!"  
  
"Did you send them?" Severus demanded, rounding on her sharply.  
  
"No!" She shook her head, her bushy hair flying around her face. "Of course not. I didn't even know they had organized. Were they from Hogwarts?"  
  
"I don't know," Severus replied tersely. He remained standing near the doorway, not wanting to enter the room fully when the tension was thick enough to press against him, making it difficult to breathe, and not wanting to lose the advantage height gave him when he felt a confrontation with Weasley looming. "I did not recognize any of them, and they were dressed far differently than any house-elf I have ever seen before." He took a moment to describe their state of dress, and Granger frowned, seeming puzzled.  
  
"It sounds like something out of a spy film," she said. "You know - a covert operation with flak jackets and night-time vision goggles, that sort of thing."  
  
Severus, who hadn't seen a Muggle film since 1975, stared at her blankly. James Bond had never been one of his favorites, and from what little he remembered, Bond favored tuxedos and cigarettes over flak jackets, whatever those were, and goggles.  
  
"I think perhaps they weren't real house-elves," she said, looking crestfallen. "I think they were from Harry's memories, only crossed with something out of a film as well."  
  
"I don't care where they are from, Miss Granger," he replied icily. "I want them out of my house."  
  
"We'll get them out," Remus said.  He was a disturbed that Severus was hovering in the door instead of coming in, and Remus rose as well, staring at Ron.  "In the meantime, Severus needs a place to stay, and since it seems that he, quite specifically, is in danger from more of Harry's, um... manifestations, I want him here, where he can be protected."  
  
"Here?  As in stay here?"  Ron's mouth fell open rather inelegantly.  "No!  You can't be serious!"  
  
"I am serious," Remus replied.  He raised his hands, holding them open at his sides.  "Ron, listen, because I am not going to repeat this again.  Severus was vindicated.  He's innocent.  I'm not saying he's an angel who never did wrong, but you have to face the fact that if it weren't for Severus, we would have lost the war!  He was protecting Harry, doing what Albus asked him, and if he appeared guilty, it's because he was supposed to.  Now, you can yell and scream and convince yourself that he's the most horrible person in the world, but you'd be wrong.  I've said this to Sirius, and to Severus, and no doubt I'm going to be repeating myself to Harry when we finally get him back, but for now, I'm saying it to you."  Remus' voice became low, and cold, and utterly implacable.  "Get the hell over it and grow up!  We need him to get back Harry, and if you have any concern at all for your best friend, you'll put aside your feelings and let us get on with doing it."  
  
"What?"  Ron was dumbfounded, and he took an involuntary step back.  He threw a resentful look at Severus, and he appeared on the verge of arguing, but Hermione laid a hand on his arm.  "Alright, FINE!" he shouted, knocking away Hermione's hand.  "You can trust him if you want to, but I never will."  Ron turned to Remus, his face belligerent.  "He stays in your room, and you can watch him.  But believe me, when we have Harry back, I'm letting him know that I'm not the one who let Snape into this house, all right?  It's on your head."  His eyes moved to Hermione.  "Both of yours!"  
  
With that, Ron spun on his heel and stormed out, pushing past Severus with a snarl of disgust.  There was a sound of footsteps thundering up the stairs, and then the slam of a door somewhere high overhead.  
  
"Well, that went well, didn't it?" Remus said, giving a heartfelt sigh and shaking his head.  His gaze moved to Hermione, and he offered her a sympathetic smile.  "Sorry about that. It's like dealing with James and Sirius all over again, in a way.  Gryffindors are brave, but terribly bullheaded to boot."  
  
"As I have been saying for quite some time," Severus said acerbically with a pointed look at Lupin.  
  
Now that it seemed the worst was over - and Weasley had said nothing Severus hadn't expected - he edged into the room, although he wasn't quite ready to take a seat yet. He was less than thrilled with the edict from Weasley about Lupin being his guardian, but he supposed it was that or find a flat, which meant dealing with Lupin's objections. On the whole, Severus was too damned tired to bother with arguing about it, not when this house, depressing as it might be, offered better protection than a flat would have done.  
  
"I'd better let Ron cool off," Hermione said, putting down her tea cup and rising.  She gave them both a half-hearted smile, and then she turned and left the room.  
  
Watching her, Remus winced in sympathy.  "It can definitely be a trial when the person you care most about in the world is stubborn and refuses to see reason," he said softly, with an inner sigh at the irony of his statement.  Severus was even more headstrong than Ron, and at least Hermione knew that Ron loved her.  
  
He turned back to Severus.  "Well, at least that's settled without bloodshed.  I'll see about Transfiguring myself a cot or something.  The room is big enough that we should be able to share it without too much difficulty, I think.  I suppose the next thing is to see about getting you some additional clothing, plus any personal items you might need.  Thank Merlin they at least left you your wand!"  
  
Only because they flung it at my head, Severus thought sourly, but that was not something he intended to admit aloud. "What about my house?" he asked. "Are we going to attempt to take it back, or are you planning to leave it to Granger? I would rather not remain here longer than absolutely necessary."  
  
"I think it might be best to let Hermione take a shot, don't you?" Remus asked.  He sat down, prepared Severus' tea as he knew Severus liked it and held up the cup with a rueful smile.  "There's no guarantee she'll succeed, of course, but a peaceful settlement would be preferable, if it's possible.  And if she isn't able to convince them to leave, we have two options:  first, we can try to force them out, and second, we could concentrate on trying to wake up Harry, at which point I suspect that the problem will go away on its own."   
  
After having been bodily tossed out of the house, Severus was not eager to confront the house-elves and try to force them to do anything. They were united and on a mission, and he suspected it would take more than two, possibly three if Granger helped, of them to dislodge the house-elves, especially since they had fortification. "The sooner Potter is awakened, the sooner all our problems will be over," he muttered darkly. He shot a glare at Lupin. "I expect you to keep your hands to yourself. Just because I am being forced to share quarters with you does not mean I will retract what I said: you are not to touch me or kiss me."  
  
For several moments, Remus was silent, taking a sip of his tea and keeping his thoughts to himself.  Just because Severus said he didn't want Remus to touch or kiss him didn't necessarily mean it was the truth.  After all, Severus was the one who had admitted dreaming about him, and Remus had not only caught the scent of desire from Severus more than once, he'd also seen a certain look in Severus' eyes from time to time when Severus didn't think he was watching.  Affection was something Severus didn't feel, but attraction... that was something Remus knew existed on both sides.  
  
"I understand," Remus said, deliberately non-committal.  "So, would you like some breakfast?  I'm famished, and I think I'd like to eat before I get on Transfiguring that cot.  After, maybe I can show you some of the things I've found in my research."  
  
"Yes, all right." Severus eyed Lupin, the casualness Lupin was exhibiting making him wary, but since he was apparently getting what he wanted, he couldn't think of any reason to continue sniping about it. "This afternoon, we will need to visit Diagon Alley, provided Granger doesn't have any luck with the house-elves." Although Severus didn't have much confidence she would. Things hadn't gone his way in a long time, and he saw no reason why this situation would be any different. "I do not wish to go alone," he added, forcing the words out through clenched teeth.  
  
It was uncharacteristically vulnerable of Severus to make such an admission, as ungracious as it was.  If Remus were a different man, a vindictive one, he could have made a very mean reply; most of the people he knew wouldn't have hesitated to use the opportunity to get back at Severus.  But Remus had no desire even to tease Severus about this.  He would have given anything for Severus to trust him enough to ask for his help.  
  
"I'd be happy to go with you. There are a few things I need to pick up as well," Remus replied.  It wasn't the truth, because there wasn't much he could afford to buy, but he didn't want Severus to feel like he was taking pity on him.  He drained his teacup and stood.  "I have some bacon and eggs in the kitchen if you'd care for some.  If you'd like, you can make the toast while I fry things up."  
  
Severus relaxed marginally once it became clear Lupin was willing to accompany him to Diagon Alley without comment, although on some level, he supposed he had been influenced by the intimacy of those damned dreams; otherwise, he wouldn't have been able to make that admission at all or come as close as he could to asking for help. He would not have risked his pride for anyone else.  
  
"Very well," he said. "I hope you do not expect me to provide toast for Weasley, however. He can make his own damned breakfast."  
  
"Sounds like a plan," Remus said, amused.  Then he led Severus toward the kitchen; it was just too bad the appetite that would be sated wasn't the one Remus was really hungering for.  



	13. Chapter 13

"...so the Muggles call it 'lucid dreaming', when someone knows   
they are dreaming and tries to influence what is going on in their dreams."    
Remus took off his reading glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, wincing   
at the beginnings of a headache that was gathering behind his eyes.  He   
lowered his hand, looking at Severus and giving a shrug.  "Of course, that   
might have nothing to do with what Harry is experiencing.  We don't know   
if he is just dreaming things randomly, or if perhaps he is aware on some level   
and using this to call out to us for help.  Or if his magic is even manifesting   
everything going on in his mind.  We just don't know!"  
  
"Nor will we until we can figure out what the Dark Lord did to Potter," Severus   
replied, glancing up from the book he was studying. "I don't suppose anyone   
overheard it? I was in the vicinity, but I remember nothing of what happened   
between them."  
  
"Er... no, I think that you and I were closest, and to be honest, I was more   
concerned about you at the time."  Remus shrugged, not making any apology   
for his inattention.  "We could ask Hermione who else might have been nearby,   
though, and we could get a Pensieve.  Maybe we could collect enough memories   
from various people to figure it out?"  
  
Severus slanted a sidelong look at Lupin, pursing his lips at Lupin's assertion   
that he had been concerned about Severus. "Perhaps. We could make the attempt,   
I suppose. Any leads would be helpful at this point since we have no real idea   
of where to begin. Working our way through the library is not the most expedient   
means of finding a way to cure Potter."  
  
"True," Remus sighed.  He uncoiled himself from the floor where he'd been   
sitting cross-legged, flowing to his feet and stretching the kinks out of his   
back.  "We could try talking to the Healers at St. Mungo's, but Hermione   
has done that about a million times by now, I believe.  Unfortunately,   
I think the only person who really knows what happened is Harry himself, so   
all we can do is guess for now and try to figure out a solution."  
  
He looked down at the tea pot and grimaced.  "Ugh.  I don't think   
I can face other cup of tea, believe it or not.  Hopefully, Hermione will   
be back soon and let us know about your house."  Secretly, he hoped that   
she wouldn't be successful, although he knew that was selfish of him.    
But he had Severus here now, and he was very reluctant to allow Severus to leave   
again.  
  
Severus' gaze slid to Lupin as he stretched, and he watched the graceful arc   
of Lupin's back in spite of himself. Quickly averting his eyes, he raised his   
book. "Go and get some coffee, then," he muttered, a slight flush tinging his   
cheeks. Memories of his dreams - of Lupin's sleek form and smooth skin glistening   
with sweat as they made love - rose up unbidden, and he scowled, thinking about   
Stinksap and Mad Eye Moody - the most unerotic things he could imagine - to   
quell his wayward thoughts.  
  
"No coffee." Remus shuddered and began to prowl around the room, suddenly restless   
and unable to focus.  The wolf had noticed the look on Severus' face and   
had woken up, the pesky creature. It wanted Remus to stalk Severus and pounce   
on him, to see if he could elicit a delightful, throaty moan from Severus to   
compliment the attractive color in his cheeks.  
  
Unable to resist temptation completely, Remus leaned over the back of Severus'   
chair and peered at the book in Severus' hands.  He was close enough to   
catch Severus' scent, and he breathed in deeply, letting it wash over him.    
"Is there anything useful in your book?" he asked, his voice low and husky.  
  
Severus hunched over, trying to avoid the feel of Lupin's living presence overlapping   
his and to ignore the husky note in Lupin's voice. "No, but I have not finished   
it yet." He glanced at the door, scowling irritably. "Where is the damned girl?"   
he growled. This was one time he desperately wanted to be interrupted.  
  
Perhaps for once the fates were listening, because there was the sound of a   
closing door from the foyer, and a few moments later, Hermione stepped into   
the room.  She looked positively disgruntled, and Remus barely resisted   
laughing in delight at what that probably meant. But he had more respect than   
that for Hermione, who had been so accepting of Severus.  
  
"What happened?" he asked instead, although he didn't move away from Severus.  
  
"Those aren't house-elves, they're demons," she said angrily.  "They won't   
listen to reason at all!"  
  
Severus' scowl deepened. "Damn," he muttered. He didn't need her to elaborate   
further; he didn't care what specifically happened because the end results were   
all that mattered. He would not be returning home, and that meant he had to   
adjust his plans. His mind raced as he formulated and dismissed thoughts of   
leaving Grimmauld Place anyway; he wouldn't turn tail and run away just because   
he faced sharing a room with Lupin. He would simply have to focus his attention   
on figuring out what had happened to Potter and how to fix it, and at least   
this way, he would have first-hand access to the Black library, including its   
Dark Arts texts, which he suspected would be useful.  
  
Slamming his book shut, he stood and moved swiftly away from Lupin. "We need   
to go to Diagon Alley, then," he said tersely. "I need things to tide me over   
until I can take my house back."  
  
"All right," Remus replied.  He moved to Hermione and hugged her.    
"Thanks for trying, Hermione.  If you couldn't talk sense into them, then   
no one could. I appreciate all your efforts and all your understanding."  
  
"It's all right, I'm glad to help," she replied, returning the hug and then   
stepping back.  She looked at Severus, hesitated, and then she spoke again.    
"I don't know what you have, Professor, but if you need some money, we have   
a household account that Mrs. Weasley set up.  Since you're a guest, you   
can use it, if you'd like."  
  
"Absolutely not!" Severus drew himself up furiously, his mouth tightening with   
displeasure. He was no one's charity case, and he hadn't sunk so far that he   
couldn't afford to pay his own way. "I do not need anyone's help." He strode   
to the door, intending to take the Floo from the parlor fireplace, moving in   
such a way that had he been wearing robes instead of trousers and a jumper,   
they would have been billowing in his wake. At the threshold, he turned and   
tossed a haughty look over his shoulder. "Are you coming, Lupin, or are you   
going to stand there all day?"  
  
Remus stepped back from Hermione and nodded.  "Coming, Severus.  Thanks   
for the offer, Hermione. That was very generous.  But we'll see him through."    
With that he turned and followed Severus into the parlor to the fireplace, wanting   
to reach out and stroke Severus' cheek but not daring to do it where Hermione   
or Ron might come along and see.  Instead he smiled.  "Shall we go,   
then?"  
  
"Of course." Severus got a pinch of Floo powder and threw it on the flames and   
slipped his wand up his sleeve where he could draw it swiftly. He intended to   
keep it at the ready in case something unpleasant occurred on the other side   
when people realized who had just stepped out of the fireplace, and he wouldn't   
be at all surprised if it did. This was the first time he had been to Diagon   
Alley since his release, and suddenly he wished he'd thought to use a disguise   
or concealment spell. But he didn't want to back down now, not with a house   
full of Gryffindors watching his every move, and so he braced himself, stepped   
into the green flames, and spoke his destination in a firm, clear voice.  
  
Severus vanished, and Remus followed immediately after, stepping from the hearth   
in The Leaky Cauldron and moving forward so that he stood close behind Severus.    
He looked around and put a hand on Severus' waist.  "Would you care for   
a drink before we shop, or did you want to get right to it?"  
  
The number of dark and dire looks directed at him was making Severus twitchy,   
and it took all the will power he could muster not to draw his wand. That, he   
knew, would be a mistake; all he needed was for someone to hex him or inform   
the authorities he had burst into the pub and threatened everyone simply because   
he had drawn his wand to defend himself if necessary. An unnatural silence had   
fallen over the pub, and all Severus could hear were low mutterings. He fancied   
he caught the word "murderer" once or twice. Tom was staring at him in a forbidding   
way as well, and the thought of being refused service and publicly humiliated   
was the only thing that kept him from brazening it out and lingering for a drink   
just to prove a point.  
  
"I want to attend to business and get out of here as quickly as possible," he   
replied in a low, curt voice, moving away from Lupin's reach.  
  
He lifted his chin and strode to the door, refusing to look at anyone along   
the way; it was another sharp reminder of all he had lost that he couldn't even   
go out in public and feel safe anymore, and not just because of the Furies.   
If he managed to get back to the safety of Grimmauld Place without someone throwing   
insults, objects, or hexes at him, it would be a miracle.  
  
The tone of Severus' voice made Remus wince, and he followed along in Severus'   
wake, his expression sympathetic as he watched Severus' retreating back.    
He received his own share of disbelieving stares and nasty looks, but he didn't   
care.  He hovered protectively close to Severus, tilting his chin up and   
glaring defiantly at everyone.  Severus was innocent, dammit, and Remus   
was getting bloody tired of fools who wouldn't accept it.  No doubt it   
was the same fools who thought that all werewolves were dangerous lunatics who   
should be killed on sight.  
  
Outside, it was warm and sunny, and Remus touched Severus' arm.  "Slow   
down a bit. You don't have anything to worry about, because I'll protect you,"   
he murmured.  "Don't let these idiots get to you; you've nothing to be   
ashamed of, and it will all calm down eventually.  Believe me, I know;   
they'll forget and move on to the latest scandal soon enough if you just go   
about your rightful business."  
  
"Right - like they forgot Potter was the Boy Who Lived for ten years before   
he showed up in the Wizarding world again," Severus snapped, shooting a disbelieving   
look at Lupin. "This is more than a mere scandal. What I did will be written   
about in history books and biographies, and there is no guarantee the correct   
version of events will always be recounted."  
  
In spite of Lupin's urging, Severus did not slow down; he marched along the   
sidewalk to Gringott's, using the advantage of his long legs to move quickly   
through the crowd. Around them, mothers grabbed their children and yanked them   
away as if touching either the murderer or the werewolf would somehow taint   
the grubby little urchins, and people leaped to get out of Severus' path when   
they saw him coming, contempt mingled with fear in their eyes when they looked   
at him.  
  
Remus kept up with Severus, continuing to cast dire looks of his own at everyone   
who looked like they might be tempted to cause Severus harm.  Fortunately   
it wasn't far to the massive stone bank, and Remus just hoped that the Goblins   
wouldn't care about who Severus was or what he hadn't done.  
  
He himself had had very little need to frequent the bank, since he had never   
had enough money to need a vault.  So he stuck close to Severus, acting   
as part escort, part body guard.  
  
When Severus walked up to the first available Goblin and handed over his vault   
key, he was relieved when the Goblin took it, verified it, and beckoned for   
another Goblin to escort him to his vault. It had been a while since he had   
been to his vault, and he climbed into the cart with trepidation, remembering   
the wild ride and not looking forward to it. Once they were settled in the cart,   
he glanced over his shoulder at Lupin.  
  
"Have you done this before?" he asked.  
  
"No," Remus said, glancing about in puzzlement as they got into the cart. He   
vaguely remembered James and Sirius talking about them, but it had been so long   
ago and money such a sensitive subject to him that they hadn't belabored the   
issue.  He smiled at Severus, quirking a brow in inquiry. "Obviously you   
have, though. Is there something I need to know?"  
  
"Yes." Severus gripped the sides of the cart tightly as the Goblin set it into   
motion. "Hang on."  
  
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when the cart began picking up speed,   
hurtling along the twisty track as it made its way through the labyrinthine   
tunnels. The bumps and jostling did nothing for Severus' already temperamental   
stomach, but he had eaten lightly as usual, and he thought he could manage to   
survive the trip without throwing up - although as the cart took a sudden, hard   
drop that made his innards lurch, it was a near thing.  
  
The beginning of the ride caught Remus by surprise, but not in a bad way.    
He loved Muggle roller coasters, and this was better than even the best he had   
ever gotten to ride, even in his admittedly limited experience.  Biting   
down on a shout of glee - he didn't want to look like a complete prat, after   
all - Remus held on tight, grinning from ear to ear as they were tossed about   
like leaves on a rushing river.   
  
It was over far too soon, and Remus got out of the cart, disappointed that the   
ride had been so short.  He held out a hand to Severus, eyes sparkling   
and face flushed with the excitement of it.  "Wow, that was fantastic!    
I might have to get a vault of my own someday, if I can ever afford it, just   
so that I can do that again!" Noticing that Severus looked a bit pale, Remus'   
smile faded.  "Are you all right?" he asked, his voice full of concern.    
"Not exactly to your taste?"  
  
"No," Severus replied tightly, ignoring Lupin's hand as he climbed out of the   
cart. "It is not."  
  
The Goblin escorting him smirked as he went to the door of Severus' vault and   
unlocked it. He stepped back as the door swung open, and Severus ducked inside,   
averting his gaze from both the Goblin and Lupin. The contents of his vault   
were meager indeed, and while he knew he had no real cause for shame, especially   
around Lupin, it was embarrassing to see the fruits of his life amounting to   
so little nonetheless. He hastily gathered up a few coins, stuffed them into   
his money bag, and exited the vault.  
  
"Done," he said. "Let's go." With that, he returned to the cart and climbed   
in, clutching the sides resolutely.  
  
Remus' anticipation of the return ride was definitely dampened by Severus' obvious   
dismay.  He hadn't even glanced into Severus' vault, not wanting to seem   
nosy, and so he just climbed back into the cart.  But he slipped an arm   
around Severus just as the ride began, holding him securely and cushioning him   
against the worst of the bumps and twists of the return ride.  
  
Having Severus next to him was even better than the initial excitement he'd   
felt on the way down.  If only Severus would see that Remus wanted to take   
care of him, to shield him from all of life's bumps and bruises, not just the   
ones of a silly cart in Gringott's.  It was a fruitless wish, no doubt,   
but Remus made it anyway, keeping in mind the old adage about beggars riding.  
  
Finally, they were back at their starting point, and Remus released Severus   
with reluctance.  He stepped out of the cart, again offering Severus a   
hand despite the fact that it had been ignored the last time.  Just because   
Severus refused didn't mean that Remus wasn't going to continue to offer Severus   
everything he had.  Maybe he'd wear Severus down with persistence, if nothing   
else.  
  
Severus' instincts were to hold himself carefully away from Lupin and resist   
the offered support, but it was difficult to resist when Lupin's arm around   
him felt familiar thanks to the damned dreams. His dream self had been held   
often and had leaned back comfortably in Lupin's embrace, feeling welcome and   
safe there. Severus wondered if it would feel as good in the waking world as   
it did in his dreams to let go and lean on someone else. To lean on Lupin. But   
hurtling violently through the tunnels of Gringott's was not the place to find   
out, and so he allowed the embrace without giving in to it. But this time, he   
accepted Lupin's offered assistance in exiting the cart, telling himself it   
was because he felt unwell after the ride.  
  
He pocketed his key, and they made their way out of the bank, headed back to   
Diagon Alley. He glanced at Lupin, hating to voice his next question, but knowing   
it was unavoidable. "Where do you suggest going to purchase second-hand clothes?"   
he asked. "I am not familiar with the available options."  
  
Remus was a little surprised that Severus had submitted to the embrace and even   
more surprised that Severus had accepted his help in exiting the cart.    
But he wasn't about to argue, and he smiled supportively at Severus' question.    
He knew what it must have cost Severus in terms of his pride, so Remus accepted   
the question at face value, showing no surprise at it.   
  
"There is a place one shop over from Ollivander's that has a decent selection   
of robes and such," he replied, pointing toward their right.  "But if you   
don't have your heart set on Wizarding clothes, I know a few shops in Muggle   
London where you can get decent things for a very reasonable price.  The   
advantage there is that you don't have to feel like people are staring at you;   
trust me, for several years I didn't set foot into a Wizarding shop if I could   
help it.  We can change your money for Muggle back in the bank, if you're   
interested."  
  
Severus glanced down at himself. Certainly, it was unusual for him to dress   
like this; he had worn robes consistently since he was eleven years old, reverting   
to the Muggle clothing of his childhood only during holidays when he had to   
because of the Muggle neighborhood they lived in. He preferred robes because   
they set him apart as a wizard - someone special. They were comfortable too,   
but wearing Muggle clothes among wizards would stand out as well, and perhaps   
it was time for a change. Besides that, he liked the idea of not being stared   
at or jeered at for being reduced to trawling through racks of cast-off clothes.  
  
"Yes, I would like to visit the Muggle shops first," he said with a decisive   
nod.  
  
"Good," Remus said, giving a nod.  He turned back toward the bank and mounted   
the steps again.  "I don't know what the exchange rate is, but last time   
I had to do it ,Wizarding money was worth quite a lot more than Muggle money.    
With luck and some careful shopping, you can even buy new in the Muggle world   
rather than going second hand, I believe."  Remus didn't say that he'd   
always gone second hand just because he was too poor to afford even the least   
expensive Muggle clothing, and he'd had to pinch every penny until it screamed,   
since he couldn't be sure when he'd have another.  That reminded him of   
something, and he made a mental note to ask Hermione if they could borrow her   
brewing equipment for Severus to make the Wolfsbane for the month.  
  
"I'd rather not spend needlessly," Severus said as they went inside and he returned   
to the queue. "Second-hand will do until such time as I can return to my home   
and regain possession of my own wardrobe." Provided the house-elves hadn't got   
rid of them as part of their campaign for house-elf freedom, he thought sourly.  
  
It took only a few minutes for him to exchange most of his money, although he   
kept some of it in case he needed to purchase equipment and supplies from Diagon   
Alley in the near future. Then they were headed back out to the street again,   
and he turned to Lupin, raising one eyebrow.  
  
"Lead the way," he said.  
  
"Right," Remus nodded, gesturing Severus back toward the Leaky Cauldron.    
But they didn't even pause inside, exiting out into Muggle London with what   
Remus felt was a profound sense of relief.  Out here, Severus was just   
another man going about his business, one of the faceless throngs inhabiting   
London, neither notable nor recognizable.  He didn't know if Severus would   
feel as he often did, a comfort in the anonymity of not being anyone at all   
special or different, not set apart from his fellow men by being marked by Darkness.   
  
No one even gave them a second glance as they moved up the street, and Remus   
relaxed, smiling at Severus almost playfully.  "There are several styles   
to choose from out here, you know, even among the second-hand shops. I can't   
see you caring much for Muggle business clothing, but you'd look fantastic as   
a Goth.  There'd be more black there, too.  And leather, if that suits   
you."  
  
"A Goth?" Severus frowned at Lupin in puzzlement. "What the devil is a Goth?"   
But there was less cantankerousness in the question than there might have been.   
He felt as if he could breathe more easily now they were away from Diagon Alley   
and all the accusatory stares. He was able to relax a little, although he was   
still alert, not so foolish as to let down his guard completely.  
  
"It's easier to show you," Remus replied, setting off toward the south.    
He knew exactly where he intended to go, and in only a few minutes, they were   
passing St. James and entering Westminster.  It was only a short distance   
before the shops began to change, the area becoming more artsy and decadent.    
The people, too, changed, from families and tourists to something a bit... different.    
Remus paused, facing Severus and making a gesture with his chin toward a young   
man dressed in black leather trousers, a tight black shirt, and studded boots.    
A matching collar encircled his neck, and he had silver rings in both ears.    
His hair was black, spiked not too differently than Severus' had been the first   
time Remus had seen him after the War, and he was wearing eyeliner.  It   
didn't hurt that he was lean and reasonably good looking, either, nor that another   
young man, similarly dressed, had a hand in the back pocket of his trousers.    
"That is a Goth.  Two of them, actually.    
What do you think?"  
  
Severus studied the pair with a critical eye. In his youth, he might have been   
intrigued; he had been rebellious enough to be drawn to such obvious outsiders   
trying to make a statement. "I think I am too old for that," he said at last.   
"Too old, too unattractive, too-" He let the word slip out for once. "-broken.   
I would look ridiculous and feel even more so."  
  
"You're not unattractive," Remus said firmly.  "And you might be damaged,   
but you aren't broken.  I've seen broken, and you're stronger than that."    
He thought of Sirius, slowly going mad in Grimmauld Place, and told himself   
that he was not going to let the same thing happen to Severus.  "You're   
stronger than all of us.  You've been used and abused and hurt, and I know   
that you must have empty places in your soul which feel like they'll never be   
filled again, but all you need is time.  Time and support, and I'm going   
to make certain you get both."  
  
Smiling, Remus pointed out a shop on the corner of the street, one whose windows   
were filled with a plethora of clothes, all black.  There were long Nehru   
jackets that weren't too different from robes, as well as pants in both leather   
and more practical fibers.  "Let's try there, shall we?  If there   
is nothing to your liking we can go elsewhere, but I think you might be surprised."  
  
"Time and support. Right. You have no idea," Severus muttered as he followed   
Lupin into the shop in question, which did seem more promising than anything   
selling collars and things covered in studs.  
  
The shop was tended by a young man, who looked up and nodded to them but otherwise   
just went back to reading the magazine in front of him.  Remus preferred   
that approach on the whole, and he rather felt Severus wasn't one for clingy   
shopkeeps either.  He pointed to a rack of trousers.  "Want to start   
there, maybe?"   
  
He had caught Severus' comment about having no idea, but he was carefully not   
rising to the bait.  He'd been just as low in his life as Severus had been,   
had even contemplated suicide as Severus had, but he knew that anything - anything   
\- was survivable.  Not that Severus was in any mood to believe him, and   
now was hardly the time to discuss it either.  
  
"Fine." Severus approached the rack and began sorting through it, looking to   
see what they had in his size. Once he found the right size, he began scrutinizing   
the styles; he wanted plain and simple clothes that would, as his robes had   
always done, provide a useful illusion of protection and armor as he faced the   
world. He wanted nothing revealing, tight, or showy; that, he thought, would   
not suit him at all.  
  
He found two pairs of trousers - both black - that he decided would do well   
enough, and he moved around, looking for shirts and perhaps a jacket like the   
one in the window to go with them.  
  
Remus had moved behind Severus, watching his choices with interest.  It   
was no doubt far too much to hope that Severus would have considered the leather,   
but hope sprang eternal.  Shirts were a different matter, and Remus reached   
into the rack, pulling out a soft black silk shirt that flowed on the hanger   
like water.  "What about this?"  
  
Reaching out, Severus fingered the sleeve of the shirt and eyed it dubiously.   
"It's silk."  
  
"Yes, it is," Remus smiled, his eyes glinting with appreciation as he imagined   
the shirt on Severus' lithe form.  "Just because something is second hand   
doesn't mean that you have to choose sack cloth.  It would also feel good   
against your skin."  
  
"I am not the kind of man who wears silk," Severus said frostily, dropping the   
sleeve as if it had burned him. Silk shirts were for other types of man than   
he, and he would feel utterly foolish putting such a garment on his body.  
  
"If you say so." Remus couldn't help but sigh in frustration.  Severus   
seemed determined to punish himself, allowing himself no pleasures at all and   
clinging to his image of himself as an unattractive, flawed man.  But Remus   
didn't put the shirt back; instead he held onto it, moving down the length of   
the rack and humming to himself.  Personally he thought that Severus would   
look wonderful in silk, and no doubt he feel wonderful in it as well, if only   
he would give himself a chance.  But alas, that didn't seem likely.  
  
When Lupin didn't return the silk shirt to the rack, Severus shot him a warning   
look but said nothing, not wanting to raise a fuss in the shop, and he resumed   
looking for a few plain shirts that would   
suit him. By the time he finished prowling around the shop, muttering dire things   
under his breath about Muggle fashion all the while, he had selected two black   
shirts and a high-collared jacket with silver buttons down the front. He also   
bought a pair of shiny black shoes, but a fruitless search around the shop yielded   
no socks. Fortunately, he found he had money left over once his selections were   
rung up, enough to buy socks, underpants, and toiletries. Sleepwear, he thought   
with an inward grimace, would not be needed since that was the one thing he   
brought with him.  
  
Remus waited until Severus' purchases had been bagged up, then he laid the silk   
shirt on the counter and pulled out his wallet.  He didn't even glance   
at Severus, or mention what he was doing; instead he accepted his bag from the   
shopkeeper with a smile and a murmured thanks, then turned to Severus and raised   
a brow.  "Where would you like to go next?  I assume there are still   
things you need," he said quietly.  
  
"Toiletries, for one thing," Severus replied, refusing to comment on Lupin's   
purchase of the silk shirt. If Lupin wanted it, fine, but if he harbored any   
thoughts about foisting it off on Severus, he was doomed to disappointment.   
"I also need... accessories. Socks and the like," he added, tipping his chin   
up. He didn't want to mention underpants specifically to Lupin, because that   
brought back memories of the incident during Sixth Year, and he thought Lupin   
had seen quite enough of his undergarments for one lifetime. "I imagine those   
types of things are not available second-hand, and I would not wish to purchase   
them if they were. I would rather have those sorts of things first-hand."  
  
"Of course," Remus replied, nodding in understanding.  He moved toward   
the door of the shop, then out into the street, setting off deeper into Soho.    
This section of the neighborhood had been gentrified a bit, but not so much   
that there weren't sex shops about every second shop, the windows displaying   
corsetry on their mannequins, as well as all manner of sex toys and bondage   
gear.  Remus stopped near a display of leather whips and glittering silver   
chains to point to a shop across the street which sold what Severus was seeking.    
"Why don't you try in there?  I'll wait for you out here and admire the   
scenery."  
  
Severus resolutely ignored the tawdry sexual wares, refusing even to look at   
them, much less wondering how they were used, and he marched into the shop Lupin   
had indicated with his gaze fixed straight ahead. The casual sexuality on display   
here was so far removed from his experience that it was completely foreign and   
unknown to him, and he knew he didn't belong here. Those "toys" and costumes   
weren't for the likes of him, even if he had been interested in giving up his   
virginity, which he wasn't. Lupin, on the other hand, looked quite at ease,   
and the thought flitted across Severus mind that perhaps Lupin knew what these   
things were for, perhaps had even used them himself. It was enough to make a   
little shiver ripple down his spine, and he straightened it in retaliation as   
he turned his attention to shopping for mundane items such as underpants and   
socks.  
  
It didn't take long to find what he needed, and he exited the shop, still pretending   
all the sex gear on display around him didn't exist, to rejoin Lupin. "I need   
only toiletries now. Then I will be finished. Is there a suitable shop..." He   
cast a dubious look at their surroundings. "...around here?"  
  
Remus allowed himself a brief daydream in Severus' absence, involving Severus   
lying in Remus' bed, wearing the silk shirt and a collar and nothing else.    
Oh, the things he wanted to do to Severus' body... touching, caressing, tasting,   
nibbling, wringing cries of pleasure from Severus' lips...   
  
Then Severus was back, and Remus blinked and gave him a slow, sultry smile.    
"There are all manner of suitable shops around here," he said.  "But as   
for one that carries what you want, I believe there's a chemist's around the   
next corner.  That should do."  
  
It was a torture not to touch Severus, but Remus put his hands in his pockets   
and turned away.  He was getting in too deep, wanting too much, and there   
was probably no chance Severus would ever want it, too.  But he couldn't   
seem to stop himself, and he acknowledged that in reality, he didn't really   
want to try.  
  
"Here we are," he said, pushing open the door of the shop and stepping into   
the cool, brightly lit interior. He followed Severus down the aisle, waiting   
while he made his selections, taking the time to admire Severus' long, slender   
fingers on the various items he touched.  
  
Severus moved up and down the aisles quickly and scanned the shelves for what   
he needed, pausing only when faced with a variety of choices. After spending   
most of his life immersed in Wizarding culture, he was no longer familiar with   
Muggle products, and there was a far more vast array of things to choose from   
than the last time he had gone shopping in a chemist's rather than an apothecary.   
Eventually, however, he made his selections, carried them to the counter, and   
paid the bored looking girl at the till.  
  
Loaded down with bags, he glanced at Lupin as they exited the shop. "I believe   
that is everything I need. We can leave now."  
  
"All right," Remus lead the way out of the shop, then paused near the front.    
"If we slip into an alley, we could shrink down everything and put it in our   
pockets.  I was thinking as long as we are out, perhaps we should go ahead   
and get some dinner.  My treat, that is. It might be nice to have a meal   
in public where you can enjoy it, don't you think?"  
  
Severus went still at the suggestion, a twinge of apprehension zinging through   
him; he hadn't spent much time outside his house in months, and he rather thought   
he was developing agoraphobic tendencies. But given how many beings - human   
and non - wanted his blood, who could blame him for feeling better with safe,   
warded walls around him? But he wasn't keen on returning to Grimmauld Place   
either, and two conflicting urges warred between him until he finally spoke.  
  
"As long as we are back before dark," he said.  
  
"On my honor," Remus said solemnly, although secretly he was thrilled with Severus'   
response.  He thought for a moment, then beckoned Severus to the side of   
the shop, an area out of the line of sight of the throngs on the street.    
He shrank his own bag, then put it in a pocket, waiting for Severus to take   
care of his own before leading the way back into the hustle and bustle of Muggle   
London.  
  
"This way. I know a Chinese restaurant near here," he said, turning down the   
street toward Chinatown.  As they walked, he pointed out some of the more   
interesting features of the area, which wasn't just a haven for purveyors of   
the prurient.  In a few minutes they had arrived, and Remus ushered Severus   
into the redoubtable Lee Ho Fook's.  
  
"Two, please - and a table with some privacy, if you don't mind," he requested   
of the hostess.  The place was fairly empty, it not being the full dinner   
hour yet, and so they were led to a choice table along one side.  "So,   
how's this?  All right with you?" Remus asked with a smile.   
  
Severus looked around, taking in his surroundings with mild curiosity; he didn't   
care much for food these days, didn't care whether he skipped a meal or two   
over the course of the day, but the scents wafting from the kitchen were appealing,   
and he thought he could probably find something on the menu that would appeal   
to his meager appetite.   
  
"Yes, it's fine," he said as he took his seat at the table. "What do you recommend?   
I have not eaten Chinese food in..." He thought back. "Decades, probably."  
  
"Really?"  Remus looked at Severus in some surprise.  "Well, let's   
see... despite the song, they don't serve Beef Chow Mein here, but what about   
some Lo Mein or perhaps some Shark Fin Soup?  Really, it's all pretty good,   
and you need to fatten up anyway!"  
  
A derisive snort escaped Severus at that. "Rather difficult to do when my appetite   
is practically nil. I have little interest in food." He perused the choices   
of soup, trying to figure out which one might settle easiest on his empty stomach.   
"I will have a bowl of won ton soup," he said at last, folding his menu and   
putting it aside.  
  
Remus bit back another sigh.  Severus seemed determined to not care for   
himself properly.  He might not be actively suicidal any more, but he wasn't   
living, either, or at least not in any   
way that Remus thought worthwhile.  A slow death by starvation was no less   
a way to die than flinging oneself in front of angry deities; it simply took   
a lot longer and absolved one of responsibility.  
  
"I'll have egg drop soup and beef with broccoli.  Tea suit you?"    
He didn't really expect an answer, and so he merely placed the order with the   
waitress.  He'd try to coax Severus into trying the beef if nothing else.   
  
Leaning forward, Remus placed his elbows on the table in a deliberate breach   
of manners and leaned his chin on his folded hands as he looked at Severus,   
his expression solemn.  "I know you aren't happy with life, Severus, and   
Merlin knows I can hardly blame you for that, considering everything you've   
been through.  But I have to ask... is there anything in life that brings   
you any joy anymore?  Even the slightest bit?  It breaks my heart   
to see you like this, knowing how strong you have always been.  Frankly   
at this moment, I wish I could bring Albus back from the dead just so I could   
kill him and take these burdens off of you.  You're punishing yourself,   
and you've no reason to do it."  
  
The last topic Severus expected to bring up over dinner in public was the state   
of his happiness - or rather, the lack thereof - and he stared at Lupin for   
moment, uncertain how to answer that, if he answered at all. His first instinct   
was to snap that it was none of Lupin's damned business and to leave, but something   
kept him quiet and still in his chair. Instead, he clasped his hands in his   
lap and turned his gaze downward.  
  
"I am not punishing myself," he said at last. "You said earlier that you did   
not think I am broken, but there are different ways of breaking. Just because   
I am not fit for the madhouse does not mean I am still strong and whole."  
  
It was not easy to speak the words; it was frightening, not because he was admitting   
things to someone he had long considered an enemy, but because he was saying   
things aloud and getting them outside of his own head for the first time. He   
was not one usually inclined to talk; he fixed things instead. But this was   
beyond his power to fix, and he knew it.  
  
"The only reason I am able to function with any semblance of normality of late   
is because I have been taking a Calming Concoction," he continued. "If I do   
not take it, my emotions get out of control - as you have witnessed yourself   
on numerous occasions. You have no idea what it is like here." He tapped his   
temple, glancing up at Lupin again at last. "I have already told you I do not   
remember much about the final battle, and you saw how out of my head I was when   
you took me to St. Mungo's. I remained like that for days. When I regained my   
lucidity, they summoned Aurors to take me to Azkaban, but I spent several days   
more with lucidity coming and going. Even now, there are times when it fades,   
leaving me disoriented. This is more than mere depression. My sanity is on shaky   
ground, and that unnerves me more than anything the Furies could do because   
my mind has always been the one thing I relied on most."  
  
He hadn't intended to admit all that, but once the words began to flow, it seemed   
they would not stop, and while he knew he was taking a considerable risk, he   
felt an inexplicable sense of safety with Lupin now. Perhaps it was because   
of the dreams or perhaps it was because of the protectiveness Lupin had shown   
of late, but whatever the cause, Severus didn't feel as if he were taking a   
tremendous risk in saying such things to Lupin.  
  
Remus held his breath as Severus spoke.  He was initially surprised that   
Severus was making any admissions whatsoever, but when the nature of the revelations   
sank in, Remus felt his heart lurch painfully.  He'd known Severus wasn't   
well, but this went beyond even what he had expected, and a fierce wave of protectiveness   
washed over him.  He wanted to take Severus away, somewhere safe from everyone,   
to cuddle him and coddle him and help him heal.  For Severus to be able   
to acknowledge that his sanity wasn't all that it should be definitely meant   
that he had a long row to recovery; the only bright light, perhaps, was that   
Severus realized he had issues instead of denying them, and Remus was touched   
by the confidence in him Severus was showing by baring his soul this way.  
  
"I remember after the battle very well," he said, his voice low so that no one   
could over hear.  "It really sounds like that thing the Muggles call Post-Traumatic   
stress.  It's a terrible thing, and I am so very, very sorry that it happened   
to you.  It's a high cost to bear for a youthful mistake."  
  
He paused for a moment, considering things, trying to come up with any way he   
could think of to help.  "I can't say I've been as bad off as you are,   
but I do know what it's like to suffer great trauma, and I know it can take   
a very long time to heal.  I found that what helped me was getting away,   
living outside myself and my pain as much as I could.  A change of scenery,   
a new set of interests, things to learn and do... you know, Severus, even when   
we get your house back, it might not be the best thing for you to go back there.    
Too many memories, too familiar, too easy to fall into a rut and let the memories   
overwhelm you.  You should go away from here; away from England, even,   
to a place where you can breathe the air of a free man.  There are people   
who can help, too; I will help you in any way I can, you know that.  Whether   
it's talking to you or just listening, or taking you away, just say the word.    
Perhaps if your mind had something else to focus on, a purpose, you wouldn't   
find yourself fading away."  
  
"I want to go away," Severus replied, folding his arms across his chest. "I   
have already mentioned my plans to do so, if you will recall. You did not seem   
quite so eager for me to depart then."  
  
The waitress approached with their food, and Severus fell silent until she departed,   
and then he prepared a cup of tea for himself and sipped it before speaking   
again. "For now, I have something to focus on. Once Potter is awake and the   
manifestations cease, I will be free from persecution by the Furies, and I will   
be able to move about more freely, but you saw how people looked at me in Diagon   
Alley today. I am not welcome here, no matter that I have been pardoned, and   
I am..." He gazed into the depths of his cup. "Tired."  
  
For once, he let down his guard and stopped trying to present the illusion of   
strength as he had been; his shoulders slumped, and he released a long, slow   
sigh. "I am doubtful I will ever be able to heal fully," he said quietly. "Too   
much has happened. I cannot forget it or undo the harm I have done, and I am   
left a broken shell of myself, covered in filth of my own making."  
  
"No."  Remus reached out, touching Severus' hand briefly.  "Not of   
your own making - or at least not all of it, anyway.  Don't you take responsibility   
for the things that other people did to   
you... and yes, I'm including myself in that.  Too many years of misunderstandings,   
too many times that I failed you.  Don't you think that I've not thought   
that in a way this is all my fault? If   
I hadn't been a coward, perhaps you wouldn't have been forced into making some   
of the choices you felt you had to make."   
  
Remus frowned, his own appetite fled.  "I'm sorry for that, Severus.    
I'm not looking for absolution, but I would do anything I can to help you through   
this, to help make up for the damage you have suffered.  At this point   
it doesn't matter who caused it - you, me, Albus, Harry, Voldemort... what matters   
is that you do have someone to care, someone   
to help.  Surely that has to make a difference, knowing that you don't   
have to face this alone, not ever again?  If you're tired, let me hold   
you up.  I'm strong enough to bear you, and I'll do it gladly until you're   
on your feet again."  
  
A small part of Severus yearned to accept the offer and let Lupin help shoulder   
the burdens Severus had carried for so long, but he was wary of such an offer.   
Being needed, being used - these things he understood. Being helped in a way   
that did not come with expectations and a high price attached was something   
he had no experience with.  
  
"What was it Dumbledore was fond of saying?" He gazed at Lupin across the table   
wearily. "The choices we make reveal who we are. This is what my choices have   
made me," he said, gesturing at himself with one hand. "I cannot imagine anyone   
would have any interest in dealing with me and what I have become for long,   
especially when there is no guarantee I will fully be 'on my feet', as you put   
it, ever again."  
  
"Perhaps you won't, but only time will tell."  Remus returned Severus'   
look, letting his feelings show in his eyes.  Severus might just shoot   
him down again, but that didn't mean he wouldn't keep trying.  "And while   
you can't undo the choices you've made in the past - none of us can - it's never   
too late to make new choices.  Don't try to image anyone being interested;   
just look at me, and know that I am.  I've already told you why, Severus,   
but I'll say it again, and again and again if necessary until you believe it."  
  
Caught in Lupin's gaze, Severus couldn't look away no matter how much he wanted   
to; the raw emotion was clear to read in Lupin's eyes without the slightest   
hint of Legilimency, and the sight of it made Severus' breath catch in his throat.   
No one looked at him that way. They simply did not. Yet there was Lupin, putting   
everything on display in a way that made it clear why he was Sorted into Gryffindor,   
because no sensible person would do such a foolhardy thing as baring their soul   
to Severus Snape.  
  
Picking up his spoon, he dipped it into the cooling bowl of won ton soup in   
front of him. "I will not stop you from attempting to be my furry shadow," he   
said at last. "But I am not yet convinced you will not come to regret attaching   
yourself to me."  
  
Severus wasn't pushing him away, or denying him, and Remus was caught between   
bliss and terror.  He was happy, of course, but now he was even more afraid   
that Severus might find reason to change his mind, and Remus had no intention   
of going anywhere.  But if Severus was willing to give him a foot in the   
door, Remus was hopeful he'd be able to perhaps one day melt Severus' heart   
as well.  
  
"I won't regret it, I know," Remus replied, picking up his own spoon and tasting   
his soup.  It was good, and he savored it, although the thought of Severus   
allowing him to stay was even more satisfying.  "Have you thought about   
where you'd like to go, after Harry has come back?  Somewhere outside of   
England, or do you think you'd prefer to stay in familiar territory?"  
  
"I have not yet decided," Severus replied as he ate a bit of his own soup. It   
wasn't too heavy, and he thought he would be able to eat it without his tetchy   
stomach rebelling as it was wont to do. "I have considered many places around   
the world, but I have not yet settled on one place that appeals to me more than   
any other. As little as I like the thought of leaving familiar territory with   
all the trouble and expense relocation entails, I do not think it best for me   
to remain here. There is nowhere I can go where I am unknown or welcomed."  
  
"There are a lot of places in the world where English is spoken. Australia or   
New Zealand might be enough like England to help you transition," Remus said,   
warming to the thought.  "Or perhaps somewhere tropical in the Caribbean?    
It might be interesting for you to study different forms of Potions making,   
too.  I can imagine that things vary throughout the world."   
  
Smiling, Remus tapped the plate of beef.  "You can try a bite, if you'd   
like.  It's good.  Have you thought that perhaps one of the things   
affecting your mood and mental state is malnutrition?  Even with vitamins   
and supplements, it can be difficult to get the things supplied by a proper   
diet.  I know - I've often had so little food that I know I've suffered   
for it."  
  
Severus gave him a long-suffering look across the table. "It is difficult to   
muster much interest in food when one's stomach tends to reject most food one   
attempts to eat. It is enough that I must take the Calming Concoction and sleeping   
potions. I do not wish to add anti-nausea potions to the mix. There is too much   
risk of side-effects when combining multiple potions in one person's system,   
and I am weary of having to dose myself for what should be normal activities.   
I would rather eat less than swallow more medicated swill."  
  
"Perhaps there is a way without taking more medications," Remus said, thinking   
out loud.  "There are nutritious but bland foods that might not upset your   
stomach.  I'll do some research, ask around at some of the health food   
stores I've seen in town.  I think we could find something to help you.    
At this point, it couldn't hurt to try, right?"  
  
"I suppose not." Severus gazed at Lupin for a few moments before shaking his   
head and looking away. Lupin really had appointed himself Severus' little helper,   
determined to fix him and make him all better. He supposed he ought to be grateful   
someone cared enough to make sure he ate enough, and Lupin did have suggestions   
he wouldn't have thought about on his own. Still, it was one of the oddest situations   
he had ever found himself in - and considering the life he had led, that was   
saying something. "What are you getting out of all this, Lupin?" he asked abruptly.   
"Certainly not the pleasure of my good humor and amiability."  
  
Remus gave another smile.  "You know why, Severus. I've told you already.    
What I get is the satisfaction of helping you."  He reached out to touch   
Severus' hand again, letting his fingers linger this time.  "You know how   
I feel, you've seen it.  Or are you still denying it?"  
  
The touch of Lupin's hand made Severus' skin tingle, and he resisted the urge   
to snatch his hand away to safety. "I'm not denying anything but your good sense   
and mental acuity. You must be mad as I am to feel anything for me. I simply   
fail to understand why me."  
  
"Because you're you, and we are more alike than I think you'd be comfortable   
admitting."  The soup was growing cold, and Remus finished up the last   
few bites quickly.  "Other than that... I don't know.  We don't choose   
to feel as we feel, we simply do it, right?  Friendship, love, hate...   
it's chemistry, and even a bit of magic, I think.  Especially where love   
is involved."  
  
Severus scowled at the mention of love and quickly turned his attention to the   
soup bowl to avoid thinking about the strange little surge in his chest Lupin's   
words had caused. "It's foolish," he muttered. "It's dangerous and stupid, and   
it leads us to do very foolish things."  
  
"It can... or it can be wonderful," Remus said.  His voice became low and   
husky, and he leaned across the table, closer to Severus, his eyes intense.    
"You will never know if you don't try.  Dangerous it might be, but I would   
rather live my life and love my love as fully as possible.  The only thing   
that scares me now is dying with regrets - and I'm going to do everything I   
can to make certain I don't.  Even if it means risking my heart on the   
chance that... someone... might not ever return my feelings."  
  
Severus' eyes widened when he found himself on the receiving end of a gaze intense   
enough to ignite the very air between them, and he fidgeted uncomfortably, feeling   
a rush of heat in his face. "Regrets are indeed a terrible, heavy burden to   
bear," he murmured.  
  
The flush on Severus' cheeks was adorable, and Remus longed to kiss him, but   
he didn't think he dared push that far, not just yet, and not in public like   
this.  Someday, though... someday he hoped to have to right to walk the   
streets with his arm around Severus and kiss more than just his cheek anytime   
he liked.  
  
"They are.  And I think you'll regret not trying just a bite of this beef,"   
Remus continued.  "As for me... I'm going to keep chasing my dreams, no   
matter how they try to run away from me."  
  
Severus rallied at that, uttering a quiet "hmph!", and focused on finishing   
his soup. "I believe I can live with the regret of not trying the beef," he   
said with some of his old tartness. "Comparatively speaking, it will be easy   
to bear." He glanced out the window and frowned. "We should be returning to   
Grimmauld Place soon. I doubt the Furies will care I have relocated to a more   
populated setting should they decide to come after me this evening."  
  
"You're probably right."  Remus sighed with genuine regret, but he signaled   
the waiter to bring the bill.  After counting out the correct amount, he   
rose to his feet.  "Shall we go, then?  We can either walk back to   
the pub, or even all the way back to the house.  It's not that far, really.    
And the fresh air might do you good."  
  
Severus thought about running the gamut of those hated-filled faces in the pub   
again and shook his head. "I am willing to walk back to the house," he said   
as he pushed back his chair and stood up. "We have enough time for that, I believe."  
  
The sun had dropped behind the rooftops, leave long, cool shadows in its wake.    
Remus smiled up at Severus, enjoying the fact that Severus was willing to prolong   
their excursion.  It might almost be a date, in a way, and Remus used the   
excuse of the increasingly crowded sidewalk to keep close enough to Severus   
that their arms brushed.  
  
"Do you like ice cream?" he asked, pointing to a shop up ahead of them.    
"You know, it's usually considered gentle for an upset stomach, and it's good   
for you, too.  My treat, if you think you'd like some."  
  
The growing shadows were making Severus eager to be indoors, and being exposed   
in a crowd like this was making him downright twitchy; it was taking all his   
will power to keep his wand hidden rather than readied in his hand. "Not today,"   
he said, glancing around furtively. They might be among Muggles, but there was   
no guarantee a wizard or witch with a grudge against him might be walking the   
streets of Muggle London as well. "I am ready to be inside safe walls again."  
  
"All right."  Remus sighed a bit, but made a mental note to bring Severus   
out again.  Ice cream could practically work miracles, he was convinced,   
and it certainly wouldn't hurt Severus.  
  
He fell quiet as they walked, glancing around to make certain they weren't being   
followed, aware of Severus' paranoia even if he didn't share it.  He had   
promised to protect Severus, and he meant it.  Nothing was going to hurt   
Severus, even if he had to throw himself in the way to prevent it.  
  
The walk was a lengthy one, and by the time they reached Grimmauld Place, Severus   
could feel the exertion of the day taking its toll; his strength and energy   
weren't what they had been, and he felt as if he might actually be able to sleep   
after pushing himself beyond his usual limits. When they reached the front door,   
he stopped and turned to Lupin.  
  
"I want to rest for a while," he said. "You may assure Weasley that a constant   
guard isn't necessary, and I am indeed merely resting, not plotting to blow   
up the house."  
  
"I will." Remus looked at Severus with concern, noting the lines of fatigue   
on his face.  "If necessary, I'll spend tonight on the floor. It won't   
bother me, and I'd rather not disturb you if you can sleep."   
  
They stepped into the house, and Remus closed the door behind them.  He   
hesitated, then swiftly pressed his lips to Severus' cheek before pulling back,   
unable to resist ending the outing as though it had been a date - a platonic   
date, and not entirely free of tension, but a sign that they had been together   
because they had wished to be.  "Sweet dreams, Severus; I'll be very quiet   
when I come up."  
  
"Very well." Severus squelched the urge to reach up and touch the place on his   
cheek where the kiss still burned his skin. Instead, he turned as if heading   
for the stairs, but he paused and glanced back over his shoulder. "You have   
been quite helpful," he said, and before he could witness any soppy looks or   
hear any foolish responses, he hurried up the stairs and disappeared from view.  



	14. Chapter 14

Severus hadn't looked at his reflection in a mirror in a long time, not since he had hacked off his hair and smashed every single mirror he could find in his house. His house that no longer belonged to him thanks to Harry damned Potter's mysterious manifestations, he thought sourly, and he caught sight of his fierce scowl in the mirror. He still didn't like looking at himself. He had never been much to look at anyway, but now he was scarred, inside and out, on top of it all. His hair didn't look so bad now; he had evened it out, and it had grown some over the past few weeks. He ran his fingers through it and debated about whether he wanted to let it get long again. It was probably obvious even to a casual observer that he'd cut it himself, and he thought he ought at least ought to consider going to a Muggle barber at some point.  
  
Not that his appearance mattered, he told himself sternly. He didn't care what he looked like any more than anyone else did. Except Remus, came a traitorous little whisper in the back of his mind. A little flush rose in his cheeks as he looked at himself and wondered what Remus saw in him - pale, gaunt, ragged hair, scars on his face, scars on his soul. Not a worthy catch by anyone's standards.  
  
But he hadn't subjected himself to the sight of his own face over matters of vanity. Remus had mentioned trying to collect memories from people who had been near Potter and the Dark Lord at the end and viewing them in a Pensieve, but it occurred to Severus that his own memories were still intact. Blocked from conscious recall, yes, but still there. He'd caught enough flashes to know the memories existed somewhere in the depths of his mind. He had been there and witnessed everything first hand, and there was a chance he might be able to call up what he had seen through Legilimency.  
  
Ideally, he would have had someone else perform Legilimency on him, but the only Legilimens he had ever known were dead. He supposed he could have trained someone, but the only one he trusted remotely enough to let rummage around in his mind was Remus... Lupin... oh, hell. Remus. Even if Remus' mind and abilities were suited for learning Legilimency, it would take time to train him - time they couldn't afford if the manifestations continued to appear and if Granger's speculation that Potter might somehow bring back the Dark Lord was correct.  
  
That left only himself. He wasn't certain this would even work, but the only way to find out was to try. They needed this information; otherwise, they would be stumbling around in the dark, trying to find out what Potter had been hit with before they could even begin to figure out how to wake him up.  
  
Drawing in a deep breath, he raised his wand and pointed it at his reflection in the mirror. "Legilimens!"  
  
It takes a minute for the word to sink in. Pardoned. The uproar in the room washes over him, but he scarcely hears it, lost in shock. He knows he ought to be relieved, but he isn't. He almost cries out, almost asks them to take it back. 'Give me death!' - the words are on his lips, but he does not speak them.   
  
A familiar figure appears before him, and he recoils, thinking the dead have come back to haunt him, but it is Aberforth, not Albus, who grasps his arm and steers him to the door. "Come, lad. I'll take you home."   
  
  
A dark, dank cell. The sound of waves crashing upon the jagged rocks, muffled by the thick stone walls. The grungy man who brings his food throws the tray at him, laughing when he has to scrape up what he can from the filthy floor. The man spits at him and mutters vile things. Traitor, murderer, scum. A different insult every day. He huddles in the shadowy corner, shivering, and hopes his sanity dissolves again so he doesn't have to remember.   
  
  
Padded walls. Restraints biting into his bony wrists, chafing the skin until blood runs down his thin fingers. He sees the Dark Lord's face everywhere and lashes out, screaming defiance.   
  
"Stop! Mr. Snape, you must stop this! You're going to hurt someone!"  
  
A spell hits him, and he freezes and topples over, immobilized.   
  
  
The mist is everywhere, and all he can see are shadowy figures in the distance. But the screams are clear. The death rattles. He can hear everything, oh yes, and the sounds of those he cannot save reverberate in his skull until he wants to sink to his knees and clap his hands over his ears to shut them out, but he has one last task to complete. One final thing he must do, and then he can rest.   
  
He searches for them, stunning every masked figure to cross his path along the way, heedless of the shock in their eyes when his spells strike home. When he finds them at last, they are locked in combat, circling warily, and he circles too, prowling the area that no one may come to the Dark Lord's rescue. It is not his place to kill the Dark Lord, only to stand guard and see that it is done.   
  
He does not watch, intent on scanning for any sign of the Dark Lord's followers approaching. They come, ready to attack Potter and defend their master, and he rounds on them with a furious cry, firing spell after spell, his entire being focused on bringing them all down before they can get anywhere near the two combatants. He hears everything going on behind him. He hears the Dark Lord's roar of rage and despair, hears a single word echoing, and then his own screams drown out all else as pain sears his arm, bringing him to his knees...  
  
  
Severus wrenched himself free with a hoarse gasp, and he whirled and fell to his knees in front of the toilet barely in time to bring up the meager contents of his stomach. He clutched the cool porcelain as his body was wracked with involuntary heaves. Even when there was nothing left but thin bile, he couldn't seem to stop retching and shuddering. When it passed at last, he sat back on his heels and breathed deeply for a few moments before attempting to get to his feet. His hands shook as he grabbed a washcloth and ran it under the tap, wringing it out and pressing the cold cloth to his face.  
  
Seeing the images from St. Mungo's and the last battle did not bring the memories flooding back, and for that, he was grateful. Just seeing what little he had was unnerving enough; he didn't remember, and at the moment, he didn't want to remember anything of that time of his life. It was difficult enough living with what he did remember without adding that to the mix. At least he had confirmation of what Remus claimed he had done, knowing it to be true now, but it was cold comfort at best.  
  
He stood there for a minute or two, composing himself, and then he draped the washcloth neatly over the shower bar to dry, flushed the toilet, and left the bathroom, heading downstairs to find Remus. Duty called once more.  
  
Remus was sitting on the floor in the parlor, papers spread around him.  On each were names and small arrows, indicating the positions of people at the final battle as best as he and Hermione had been able to remember.  Hopefully, they could find someone still alive who had been close enough and paying attention \- and, ideally, not currently inhabiting Azkaban - to remember what Voldemort had done to Harry.  It wasn't looking good at the moment, given that he had been among the closest and almost everyone around him had been killed, but he wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.  If only he had been more focused on the events rather than on Severus, he might have remembered himself, but if he hadn't, Severus might not be alive today.  It was definitely not a trade off Remus was going to feel guilty about at all.  
  
He straightened up with a sigh, cracking his spine as he frowned down at the papers.  It was a sad irony that after the defeat of Voldemort, they might now be forced to save their world from the very person who had saved them in the first place.  A sound in the doorway caught his attention, and he looked up, smiling as he saw Severus, but then his smile faded when he noticed how pale Severus looked.  
  
Springing to his feet, Remus walked toward Severus, his expression full of concern.  "Severus! Are you all right?  You look positively ill!  Come and sit down. Can I get you anything?  Maybe you should be in bed..."  Remus knew he was fussing, but he couldn't help it.  Severus seemed to bring out every protective instinct he had.  
  
Severus let Remus lead him over to the sofa, and he sank down without hesitation, still feeling unsteady and wanting to be off his feet. "I'll be all right," he said, waving irritably, but there was little force behind it, merely a token protest for show. In truth, it was taking all the will power he had not to fall into Remus' arms and sag against him, drawing on his strength. "I performed Legilimency on myself using a mirror. I knew the memories of what I saw and heard were still there, only blocked, and I thought I could access them in that way." He drew in a deep, shuddery breath, trying to push aside what he had seen and concentrate on the spell that had incapacitated Potter. "And I did. I know what the Dark Lord cast on Potter: Actum Malsomnium. It is a spell I have never heard of before, but no doubt it is Dark magic. We will need to find out what it does before we can figure out how to end it, but at least now, we know exactly what we are looking for."  
  
"You did what?" Remus stared at Severus in horror.  "I've never heard of anyone doing that before!  It could have been dangerous!  What if you'd gotten trapped in your memories.  What if you'd made yourself worse?"  He had a vision of Severus standing in front of the mirror, driven into madness again by reliving what he'd gone through that night.  He might have lost Severus again, this time forever.  
  
Reaching out, Remus put his hands on Severus' shoulders.  He didn't care about the no touching rule; the thought of what Severus had risked scared him, and he needed to touch Severus and to know that Severus was well.  He looked exactly like he felt - almost frantic with worry. "Are you all right?  How do you feel?  Do you need anything?  Should I take you to a Healer?"  
  
After the memory he had just witnessed, returning to St. Mungo's was the last thing Severus wanted to do, and he shook his head vehemently. "No!" He took another breath, trying to calm himself. "No, I do not want to see a Healer. I am all right, merely... unsettled by what I saw." He gave Remus an aggrieved look. "I am an Occlumens, you know. I was not in as much danger as you seem to think."  
  
Although he had to admit, the thought that he might get caught up in an internal loop had occurred to him, but the risk was acceptable if what he'd done worked. And it had. That was all that mattered.  
  
The snark reassured Remus more than anything else, but he still felt a lingering fear that some damage might have been done. His fingers tightened on Severus' shoulders.  "Still, it was too much of a risk.  I don't care that it worked. What if it hadn't, and I'd lost you again?  Nothing is worth that, not Harry, not anyone, do you understand?  You have to be safe, Severus.  That's what matters!"  
  
Torn between shaking Severus and snogging him, Remus gave in to the stronger of the two impulses and pulled Severus to him, claiming his lips in a hard kiss.  
  
Shocked by the unexpected move, Severus froze, scarcely able to process what was happening. One minute, they were discussing Legilimency, and the next, Remus had hauled him into a searing kiss. Remus' words echoed in his mind, twining with the painful memories he had unearthed, and he began to shake again, his hands flying up to clutch Remus' arms, not to push him away but to keep him close. Severus had been shaken to the core by the memories, and to hear that he mattered to someone - that he was not just a useful tool - was a balm he desperately needed.  
  
Severus was trembling against him, and Remus groaned, wanting to offer comfort.  Severus wasn't resisting, and so Remus moved to wrap his arms around Severus' shoulders, stroking his back soothingly.  He didn't pull back from the kiss, but it changed, becoming tender as he sought to show Severus just how much Remus needed him.   
  
The wolf within was urging him on, but Remus sensed that this was not what Severus needed right now.  He needed comfort rather than domination, tenderness and reassurance rather than lust.  Pulling back from the kiss with reluctance, Remus pressed his lips to Severus' forehead.  "Please don't risk yourself like that again," he murmured against Severus' skin.  "I can't lose you, Severus.  Not after all of this. You deserve happiness, and you've already sacrificed too much."  
  
Severus told himself he was only being pragmatic when he relaxed in Remus' arms and accepted the offered solace; he'd had a trying ordeal, and it was only natural that he would feel a little raw in the aftermath. He was using Remus, not coming to rely on him and certainly not developing any feelings for him that didn't involve disdain or dislike. Certainly not.  
  
And since he certainly was not doing any such thing, there was no harm in leaning his head on Remus' shoulder, and so he did, breathing out a quiet sigh. He didn't believe Remus' nonsense about him deserving happiness, but the part about not wanting to lose him... that gave him a little warm feeling in the pit of his stomach that was quite new and unfamiliar, but he liked it.  
  
"Very well," he said in a long-suffering tone that implied he was bestowing a great favor. "I promise I will not perform Legilimency on myself again." In truth, it wasn't a difficult promise to make, since he had no desire ever to go through that again. If his memories remained blocked off, so be it. He would rather have gaps in his memory than face them in such a way.  
  
Remus gave a sigh of relief.  He believed Severus meant it, and that was reassuring, but so was the way that Severus was relaxing in his arms as though he belonged there.  Perhaps Severus was coming to accept him at last, and that made Remus want to shout with joy.  
  
Of course, he did no such thing, because there was no way Severus would understand it.  Instead he nodded and continued to stroke Severus' back, wanting to keep the contact for as long as Severus would permit it.  "All right, then, I'll trust you on that.  It may have worked this time, but as I said, there is nothing worth risking your mind for - nothing and no one in the world."  He gave a quiet chuckle.  "That being said, and now that my heart has receded from my throat, how do you suggest beginning our research on this spell?  I suppose we can start scouring the Restricted Section to find it."  
  
"I've read all the books in the Restricted Section at Hogwarts," Severus replied, feeling the remaining disquiet from his experience melting away with each stroke of Remus' hand along his back. "I don't remember reading anything about that particular spell, and it is not one I have ever heard used before. I suggest we look in the darkest texts the Black family library has to offer. I don't doubt we will find something about it. Even a reference is something to go on. No doubt this is why no progress has been made before now," he said, derision lacing his voice. "Those fools at St. Mungo's fear to dirty their hands with Dark magic." He thought of all the times at Hogwarts when he had been the one to treat injuries, especially during his final years there, because Poppy Pomfrey had no idea how to counter Dark magic effectively and was happy to leave the task to him.  
  
"All right, then that's what we do," Remus replied.  He was surprised Severus was still content to remain against him, but he wasn't complaining one bit.  He continued to touch and caress even as he mulled over the plan.  "We'll have to be careful, since some of the nastiest of the books here are protected with traps, and with the Black family's bias against anyone not of pure blood, we probably ought to see about getting someone to help.  Do you think Draco would be willing?  He's not only pure blooded, but of the Black family, and that could only be to the good."  
  
"You really are determined to test Weasley the Younger's limits, aren't you." Severus lifted his head and fixed Remus with a sardonically amused look. "I may be able to persuade Draco to assist, but he bears no love for Potter either, and we have not spoken in months. I cannot guarantee he will be willing to speak with me, much less agree to help."  
  
He supposed he ought to move away from Remus now that the worst had passed and he was no longer feeling shaky, and he pushed himself upright, extricating himself from the embrace, although with reluctance this time. He had lowered his guard with Remus to a dangerous extent, but he didn't think there was any going back at this point; he was in it now, and if he ended up played the fool, he would suffer the consequences in silence for having brought it on himself.  
  
Remus reluctantly let Severus go, mourning the loss of contact between them.  Yet he took heart that Severus only moved away rather than pulling back with disgust or snapping out harsh imprecations.  "If Ron truly has Harry's welfare at heart, then he will be willing to do anything and everything to make certain that Harry can come back," Remus said, shrugging lightly.  "I am beyond caring about offending people's sensibilities at this point.  We're all in danger here, and if Ron objects to what needs to be done, he can leave."  
  
He knew it sounded harsh, but Remus meant every word.  There was more at stake here than they could afford to risk just to cater to the biases of children.  
  
Severus shrugged and spread his hands, secretly pleased to see Remus exhibiting signs of having a backbone. "Then I will contact Draco and see what I can arrange. In the meantime, we can begin looking through other books ourselves."  
  
"Not until you've recovered a bit. You're as white as a sheet, you know, and you'll need all your strength and wits to deal with potential hazards."  Remus' tone brooked no argument, and he rose to his feet.  "I'm going to go get you some tea and toast. I'll just be a moment, so don't go anywhere."  
  
Remus gave Severus a mock-stern look before heading out to the kitchen, where magic enabled him to put together a tray in very short order.  In addition to the toast and tea, he added a pot of jam and several biscuits, just in case he could tempt Severus' ever-meager appetite.  Having been on the verge of starvation more than once himself, he definitely recognized the signs in Severus, although this time it was due to lack of desire rather than any shortage of food.  
  
Returning to the parlor with tray in hand, Remus sat it on the low table in front of them and poured out two cups of tea.  He prepared Severus' the way he preferred it and passed the cup over with a smile.  "You know, Voldemort missed a sure bet to take over the world. All he would have had to do was muck about with the tea supply.  The entire Wizarding World would have lain dead at his feet then."  
  
Severus rolled his eyes at that nonsense even as he accepted the cup of tea and took a sip. He didn't want to test his stomach with anything substantial when he still felt queasy, but he thought perhaps he could keep down tea, if nothing else. "You are an idiot," he said, although there was no venom in the words. "And I have no idea why I tolerate you."  
  
The words were almost teasing, and Remus' smile widened.  "Because I'm cute?" he asked, widening his eyes appealingly.  Not that he expected Severus to do anything but snort in derision, but he simply couldn't resist.  
  
"Hardly!" Severus drew himself upright and gave Remus a withering look. He would rather have his tongue ripped out than admit he found anything about Remus appealing, although he couldn't deny, even to himself, that Remus had grown on him. What had once been the face of a hated enemy had become the face of... what? A friend? Certainly nothing more.  
  
"Well, that puts me in my place," Remus replied quietly, his eyes sparkling with humor.  "But at least I know you must be feeling better, since you're up to your old snark."  He paused to take a sip of his tea, his thoughts turning to what Severus had discovered during his ill-considered Legilimency.  "One thing about whatever is happening with Harry, I don't want you to be the one to break the curse if we find a way to do it.  I don't want you to risk yourself any more than you have, and since these things have a way of sometimes backfiring, I want to know you're safe."  
  
"I have not been safe in over twenty years," Severus replied, raising one eyebrow. "I fail to see why this situation should be any different. At any rate, it is hardly practical to start making proclamations when we have no idea how the curse can be broken at this point - or even if it can be."  
  
"I know that, but..." Remus looked at Severus, not trying to hide anything of his feelings.  "Just because you've not been safe before doesn't mean it's too late for now.  You said that I could protect you, Severus, and I mean to do it.  I just wanted to state up front so that in the event, we don't have to argue about it."  The fright he'd received earlier had been quite enough; there were risks he simply wasn't not willing to let Severus take, even with Harry's fate - indeed, perhaps all their fates - hanging in the balance.  
  
"Has it occurred to you that I might end up being the best qualified to break it for some reason?" Severus fixed Remus with an annoyed glare. "If that is the case, then I will be the one who attempts to break the curse, your foolish notions about protecting me not withstanding." His jaw tightened, and his features grew harder. "You may have appointed yourself my personal protector, but you do not control me. I am free to do what I damned well please."  
  
"I know," Remus replied, although he wasn't going to point out that some of the things Severus had freely done were reckless and self-destructive.  He'd just have to be watchful to make sure that Severus didn't true to do something foolish like sacrifice himself to save Harry as he hadn't been able to save Albus.  Severus had already been a hero in Remus' eyes; he didn't need to prove it again, especially if the cost was too high.  "So, do you think you could eat something before we go into the library?  We might get involved and forget to do so later."  
  
"I don't know." The tea had gone down well enough, but Severus wasn't certain how his stomach would fare with more substantial food yet, and he eyed the toast dubiously. He supposed he ought to try, at least, if he wanted to avoid getting weak and hindering his ability to concentrate on the task ahead of them. He picked up a piece of dry toast and nibbled it gingerly, not feeling reckless enough to risk jam yet.  
  
Remus gave a nod of approval as Severus tried the toast.  It wasn't much, but it was a step in the right direction.  That wa just how it had to go, both with curing Harry and Remus' own attempts to get closer to Severus.  One step at a time.  
  


* * *

  
Granger had volunteered to let Severus use her owl for the purpose of  
communicating with Draco, although she had voiced much the same sentiment as  
Severus had when he and Remus had informed her of their plan: Ron would not be  
happy about it. The sour look on her face when she spoke of Draco made it clear  
she wasn't best pleased either, but she  
agreed with the idea in principle, pragmatic enough to recognize they ought not  
ignore any resources or turn away any help out of personal dislike.  
  
Thus Severus made use of the writing desk in the library while Granger's owl  
perched on a bust of Pallas Athena and waited to be given its assignment. He  
thought carefully about how to approach Draco, and in the end, he decided  
emphasizing how Draco would benefit from helping would be the best tactic.  
  
Draco,  
  
I realize it has been quite some time since we  
have spoken, and I am not contacting you for social purposes now. As you are  
likely aware, the Wizarding world has been plagued by strange manifestations,  
most of which are dangerous if not deadly. The source of these manifestations is  
Harry Potter, due to a curse cast upon him by the Dark Lord. It is a rare form  
of Dark magic: Actum Malsomnium. Simply put, we are all in danger until Potter  
is awakened, and if he is not, we all stand to suffer for it, particularly those  
of us whom he dislikes.  
  
Perhaps you have already seen some ill effects at Malfoy Manor; if not, I doubt  
it will be long until you do. Lest you think you will be immune from any  
repercussions, think on this.  
  
Hermione Granger informs me that nearly all the manifestations have stemmed from  
events and experiences in Potter's life. He has successfully manifested a  
dragon, and he has caused an entire forest to move closer to Hogwarts. If he is  
capable of that and if the manifestations continue to appear, how long will it  
be before he dreams the Dark Lord back into being? Do you dare take the risk  
that whatever version of the Dark Lord Potter conjures up will not remember how  
the Malfoys failed to serve him and come looking to you for recompense?  
  
I am not asking you to help Potter; I am asking you to help me and yourself as  
we are among the most vulnerable should Potter bring back the Dark Lord. What I  
need only you can provide. You are of pure blood, and you are part of the Black  
family, which means you may be able to touch books in the Black family library  
that I cannot. You may also have books in the manor library that may provide  
information about Actum Malsomnium.  
  
If you are willing to consider assisting me in my search for information about  
the curse, send a reply with this owl.  
  
  
S. Snape  
  
  
Severus re-read the letter, and then he rolled it up, sealed it, and attached it  
to the waiting owl's leg, satisfied that it was as persuasive as he could make  
it. He intended his evocation of the Dark Lord to unnerve Draco enough to  
consider his proposal, and when a response was forthcoming less than an hour  
later, he couldn't quite keep from smirking.  
  
He untied the note and read it swiftly.  
  
  
It would seem we do have a potential problem on  
our hands, and I am willing to help. I would be happy to discuss the matter with  
you further tomorrow over tea here at the  
manor.  
  
  
Draco  
  
  
Severus nodded, unsurprised by the reply. Draco would want to quiz him for  
details and probably make certain the threat of the Dark Lord's return wasn't  
imminent, and there would likely be some complaining about coming to Potter's  
rescue, but Severus knew Draco would do whatever was asked of him in order to  
keep himself and his mother safe from the Dark Lord's potential return.  
  
Now they had both the Black library and the Malfoy library at their disposal,  
and Severus was far more optimistic that information about the mysterious curse  
would be uncovered. The sooner, the better as far as he was concerned, and he  
was more than ready to forge ahead.  


* * *

  
Severus took pains with his dress in preparation for his meeting with Draco. He didn't care about impressing his former student, but he thought it would put him at less of a disadvantage if he showed up looking relatively normal rather than like something the cat dragged in. For all that Draco's status had shifted in the post-war climate, he still retained the sensibilities instilled in him from birth, and Severus wanted to meet on as equal a footing as possible.  
  
Dressed in the Muggle clothes he had bought, all in austere black, he thought he would be presentable enough - as presentable as he could be, at any rate. He supposed it might have been a better choice to borrow robes considering whom he was visiting, but he was feeling contrary as well, wanting to make a subtle statement about his disconnect from the Wizarding world. Draco would comprehend the message, he was sure.  
  
When he had steamed out the wrinkles and fussed over specks of lint so that he was neat and tidy if not a terribly pleasing sight, he steeled himself to leave the house for the first time since the shopping excursion. He wasn't keen on going alone, but he had little choice; none of his current house-mates would be welcome, and he didn't want to risk alienating Draco before he even got in the door simply because he was apprehensive about going into public alone.  
  
He didn't announce his intention to depart, simply went downstairs and headed for the front door, pausing to take a deep breath before he opened it and stepped outside. He only had to walk to the safe Apparition point, and then he could Apparate just outside Malfoy Manor, which he thought ought to be safe enough. Holding his head high, he strode down the walk to the street, moving as quickly as he could without giving away any appearance of unsettled nerves.  
  
It was no surprise to Remus that Severus wanted to meet with Draco on his own, even though Remus had more than a few misgivings about it.  Not that he distrusted Draco, not exactly, but when it came to Severus' health and safety, he didn't trust anyone other than himself.  Even though Severus didn't mention his plans, Remus couldn't help but notice that Severus was making preparations, but he held his tongue, making no mention of Severus' actions, letting Severus go about his business as though paying no attention.  
  
Nothing, however, could be further than from the truth.  Remus was watchful from a distance, and when Severus left the house, Remus had already made plans of his own.  He knew where Harry kept his invisibility cloak, and he hoped Harry wouldn't mind him borrowing it for the afternoon.  It was all for Harry's own benefit, after all; ironic as it might seem, Severus was the one person who had any hope of helping Harry recover.  
  
The front door shut behind Severus, but Remus was already leaving the house by the back door, sneaking around to the front unseen under the cloak.  He knew where Malfoy Manor was, but he needed to Apparate at the same time as Severus to hide the sound of his own transit.  He kept Severus in sight, his own wand in his hand so that he could go as soon as Severus did.  He only hoped that the plan would work; otherwise, Severus was probably going to be very put out indeed.  
  
Although it wasn't that far to the Apparition point, it felt like a lengthy trek to Severus, who was having a difficult time not clutching his wand and starting at every little noise along the way. Surely the Furies wouldn't attack in broad daylight. He was in public as well, and they did seem to prefer the cover of darkness and solitude. Then again, if they did show up, why should he bother fighting? Wasn't their justice exactly what he deserved? He shivered, feeling the familiar black pull of despair. It would be so easy to give in...  
  
He snapped his head up, abruptly realizing he shouldn't be feeling this old soul-sucking bleakness, not when he had just taken a dose of the Calming Concoction thanks to Granger letting him borrow her equipment. No, this wasn't coming from within, not this time. He drew his wand, turning this way and that as he tried to locate what he knew had to be lurking somewhere.  
  
There - in the mouth of the alley where the Apparition point was located. Dementors.  
  
Severus clutched his wand, frozen in place. Instinct was urging him to turn and flee for the safety of the house, but pride refused to let him be cowed by creatures he had fought off before. They didn't belong here, and they were a danger to everyone in the area, not just him but the Muggles who couldn't even see them, much less fight them off. At least he had a weapon at his disposal.  
  
Rallying his spirit, he stepped forward and lifted his wand. "Expecto Patronum!"  
  
A thin wisp trickled out of his wand, nothing more. The Dementors - two of them, no more, but that was more than enough - drifted toward him, as if sensing easy prey, and Severus tried again, desperate now, but with no more success than the first time. With no happy memory or any tiny kernel of joy in his soul to call on, he couldn't cast the spell. He was helpless, caught in a winding web of growing despair as they closed in.  
  
"Expecto Patronum!"  
  
Remus shouted the spell even as he flung off the invisibility cloak, letting it fall unheeded to the ground as he ran forward.  A flare of brilliant light burst from the tip of his wand, resolving into the form of a large, feral eyed cat that leapt toward the Dementors with a fierce snarl.  
  
He'd seen Severus draw his wand a few moments before feeling the familiar icy pull of the Dementors.  Severus' attempt to cast a Patronus had made his heart ache, but he knew what he had to do.  No matter where the cursed creatures had come from, they had to be kept away from Severus, and if his Patronus couldn't do it, Remus would jump in with his bare hands.  
  
The form of his Patronus was different, which surprised him, but Remus didn't dwell on it.  He urged the cat forward, and the Dementors hesitated for only a moment before fleeing off into the shadows from which they had come.  When he was satisfied they were gone, Remus went immediately to Severus, enfolding him in his arms in a fierce embrace.  
  
"Are you all right?" he asked hoarsely.  "Severus, please tell me you're all right!"  
  
Shuddering with the pervasive cold that seemed to freeze him to his very soul, Severus sank to the ground and covered his face with both hands. His mind was roiling with memories, the sound of his own voice shouting the Killing Curse ringing in his ears; it seemed as if every memory of every mistake he had ever made, every bad thing he had ever done had risen at once, tormenting him with the weight of his own guilt. He was bad... evil... worthless. He had done nothing worthy his entire life, had mired himself in filth, and now he was worthless and unclean. Moaning, he rocked back and forth, wishing the Furies would come for him at that very moment.  
  
"Severus, it's all right. They're gone now," Remus said, rocking with Severus and trying to comfort him as best he could.  Severus seemed cold, and Remus held him close to his body, trying to impart part of his body heat as well as the safety of his presence.  "I won't let them hurt you.  I won't let anyone hurt you!"  
  
Lost in despair, Severus couldn't speak; it was taking every bit of will power he possessed to keep himself - especially his tormented mind - together rather than falling back into the madness that had gripped him during the last battle. He huddled in Remus' arms, scarcely aware of Remus' presence; he was trapped in the memories rising up and smothering him, Dumbledore's voice pleading and his own voice uttering the foul curse playing over and over on a seemingly endless loop.  
  
It was obvious that Severus was locked away in his own world, traumatized by the encounter, and so Remus gave up trying to reach him out here in public.  He picked Severus up bodily, pausing just long enough to collect the invisibility cloak before setting off back to Grimmauld Place.  He probably ought to be taking Severus to St. Mungo's, but given Severus' negative reactions to the Healers there, Remus was afraid it would end up doing more harm than good.  He just hoped that his own efforts could bring Severus out of it.  
  
He mounted the stairs to their room, shutting the door with his foot before carrying Severus to the bed.  He didn't pause to think about what he was doing, letting instinct guide him as he lowered Severus to the mattress and crawled in beside him.  He cradled Severus close, stroking his hair and talking to him in a low voice full of tenderness. He didn't even know what he was saying beyond trying to be supportive and loving, urging Severus to come back, to fight his way up from whatever was pulling him away, begging and pleading with him to stay and not become lost in his own darkness.  
  
Then the obvious answer occurred to him, and Remus literally smacked himself on the head before reaching toward his nightstand, drawing out a bar of chocolate.  He peeled back the wrapper, breaking off a chunk and holding it to Severus' lips.  "Come on, Severus.  This will help.  Just a little bit, please, and it will make you feel much better."  
  
Instinct prompted Severus to part his lips and accept what Remus offering, and he felt warm tendrils unfurling in the pit of his stomach once the chocolate melted on his tongue and he swallowed it. He chewed and swallowed the rest of the chunk in one gulp, sagging in relief as it helped to dispel the overwhelming despair that had shrouded him.  
  
"Better, yes, that's much better," Remus said, almost sagging himself as he felt Severus finally relax.  He broke off another bite of the chocolate, pressing it to Severus' lips.  "Try a bit more, it will help.  You can have all that you want, anything to make you feel better."  
  
Severus accepted the second piece of chocolate and ate it quickly, relieved when he felt the warmth grow and spread; he still felt cold, but he wasn't sure that was an entirely physical sensation, and he felt utterly drained, unable to muster any pretense of independence. Instead, he gave in to his need and nestled closer to Remus, seeking the warmth he offered in ways beyond the physical.  
  
Remus felt rather guilty for enjoying the closeness, given what Severus had suffered, but it warmed him that Severus was clinging to him, letting Remus hold and comfort him.  He debated more chocolate, but then he decided to put the bar aside for the moment.  It was always there if Severus wanted more later, and right now, Remus wanted both arms free to hold Severus tight.  
  
"You can go on to sleep if you'd like," Remus said softly.  "Relax, and I'll keep you safe.  Nothing can harm you here, love.  I won't allow it."  
  
"No." Severus shook his head, shivering at the thought of closing his eyes; he didn't want to be alone with his own thoughts right now, and he didn't think he could possibly sleep. "I don't want to sleep." He gazed at Remus somberly, hesitating, uncertain if he ought to take such a risk, but he couldn't bear the thought of being alone, and that thought galvanized him into action. He lifted one arm and draped it across Remus, returning an embrace for the first time.  
  
Remus went still, his eyes widening as Severus willingly put an arm around him.  Something within him melted into goo at the gesture, and he sighed with pleasure as he pulled Severus tighter against him.  "You don't have to sleep, then. We can talk, or just lie here and be silent, whatever suits you best.  You've had a rough experience, and I want to take care of you in any way that you need."  
  
Severus curled closer, tightening his fingers in the fabric of Remus' jumper; he was afraid of making a fool of himself, but he was afraid of what was crawling in the back of his mind thanks to the Dementors even more. He felt so cold and empty, and he ached to feel warm again. To feel alive and if not whole, then at least less empty inside.  
  
"I don't want to talk," he murmured, unable to hide the naked vulnerability in his eyes even if he had the strength to try. "I need..." He shook his head, unable to articulate what he felt. "I need."  
  
Remus could not have resisted that plea if his life had depended on it.  He thought he might even know what it was that Severus needed - a connection, a feeling of life and hope and belonging to stave off the despair.  "I know you do," he murmured, stroking a hand through Severus' hair.  "I'll give you everything I can."   
  
Sliding his hand behind Severus' neck, Remus smiled, urging him closer before leaning in to kiss Severus.  It was soft at first, but the touch and taste of Severus' lips was more than he could resist, and Remus moaned softly as he deepened the kiss, silently urging Severus to yield.  
  
Severus' heart was pounding wildly, partly from apprehension, partly from some strange pull deep inside him that urged him to relax and yield, and he did, closing his eyes and parting his lips, unsure of himself and the wisdom of giving in, but craving this contact - this connection - too desperately to listen to his fear at the moment.  
  
The feeling of Severus submitting, parting his lips and welcoming Remus was a heady sensation, and Remus moaned again as he took the invitation.  He explored gently at first, his tongue tasting, coaxing Severus' to join in the languorous dance.  His hands moved, sliding down to push under Severus' shirt, wanting to feel the warm, bare skin of Severus' back.  It was more than just a desire for sex; this was a comfort of the oldest and most powerful type, and Remus was willing to give Severus anything and everything he wanted.  
  
A shiver wracked Severus' body at the feel of Remus' hands on his bare back, feeling as if his skin was coming alive after a lifetime of dormancy at the touch; he didn't trust his his ability to return the kiss with any skill, but he followed Remus' lead, accepting the exploration even though he didn't feel confident enough to return it himself, and he dared to risk sliding both arms around Remus, his movements hesitant, almost shy.  
  
The sweet hesitancy of Severus' movements made Remus feel protective.  Severus deserved to be cherished and adored, treated like the special man he was.  Yes, he could be a snarky bastard, but there was a core of strength and beauty in him, one that just needed to be coaxed and encouraged.  Severus was full of passion, Remus knew it, and he wanted to pull that from Severus, to remind him of his own power even as he showed Severus the delights his body could give him.  
  
Kiss flowed into slow kiss as Remus memorized Severus' mouth, learning how Severus liked to be kissed and teaching Severus what he himself liked in return, encouraging Severus to respond, rewarding him with a soft growl of pleasure.  His hands were gentle yet thorough on Severus' back, mapping out each angle and plane, scratching lightly with nails, then soothing with broad strokes of his palms.  He knew that Severus might come to his senses at any moment and pull away, but Remus didn't want to rush this; Severus deserved the care and attention, deserved to be made love to with sweet, slow thoroughness, and it was worth the risk of Severus stopping to take it slow and easy, taking the time to teach Severus just how good it could be.  
  
The shiver escalated into a shudder at the feel of Remus' nails raking his skin; Severus liked that, liked it enough that he couldn't hold back a soft moan, and he found himself arching against Remus' hands as if in a silent plea for more. The kisses went on and on until Severus felt as if he were drowning in them, as if Remus was never going to stop kissing him, and he couldn't remain passive forever. He mirrored Remus awkwardly, trying to learn, but it was difficult to concentrate when his mind and his body were threatening to overwhelm him.  
  
A little voice in his head screamed at him that he was making a mistake and he ought to push Remus away and flee while he still had some dignity to salvage \- before he gave up everything and left himself exposed and unclean - but his need was too great, and his skin was awake and aching, and he could no more stop himself now than he could deny his need to breathe.  
  
Severus' response was shy and awkward, but Remus didn't mind it at all; the inexperience just brought home the fact that Severus deserved careful consideration and tenderness, both of which Remus was willing to give in full measure.  Severus' response to the scrape of his nails was quite enthusiastic, so Remus repeated it, down Severus' back and then sliding his hands forward to scratch along Severus' side.  
  
More kisses, deep and drugging and heated, and Remus had to hold himself in check, sensing the wolf's eagerness to take and claim.  He  pulled back from Severus' lips at last, but only so that he could trail nips and licks along Severus' jaw line, moving down to his throat so that he could nuzzle at the sensitive skin behind Severus' ear.  He half feared that words might break the moment, but he showed his approval by humming against Severus' skin, echoing the vibration of his low growl.  
  
Remus' lips and the vibration of the growling and the humming on that spot - The Spot - on his neck made Severus feel as if his bones had turned to molten liquid, and he tipped his chin up without thought or hesitation, soft whimpers rising in his throat. He clenched his fingers in the back of Remus' jumper, as if holding on for dear life, and the little voice fell silent; there was a part of him that was no less terrified by what was happening, but fear had lost the battle, and desire and need held sway.  
  
Severus was clinging to him as though he were the only solid thing in the universe, and it made Remus feel both exalted and humble.  They had come so far, but Remus suddenly worried that it was too much, too fast.  As much as he wanted Severus, he didn't think that taking him now, in the aftermath of the Dementor attack, was the right thing to do.  It would be joyous for the moment, and it wouldn't change Remus' feelings one bit, but Severus' were another matter.  He didn't want to risk losing Severus completely for the joy of having him now.  He knew that once they made love, he couldn't bear to let Severus go.  
  
But he couldn't walk away from Severus at this point, and he didn't want to.  Severus needed him, but there were things that could satisfy Severus and give him what he needed without pushing too far.  Remus smiled against Severus' skin, then nipped down lightly on the spot he had been nuzzling.  Oh, yes, he could give just want Severus wanted, and perhaps someday soon, Severus would come to him willingly and offer himself to Remus freely rather than in reaction to a trauma.  
  
"Mmmm..." Remus began to kiss a trail down Severus' neck, lifting his heads to the neckline of Severus' shirt and dealing with the buttons with quick efficiency.  As he bared each bit of warm, pale skin, he kissed it, mapping the flesh with reverence as he sought to drive Severus to a place beyond himself.  When he reached one of Severus' nipples, he laved it with a broad swipe of his tongue, then blew on it, the cold air causing it to pebble into a nub, tempting Remus to pull it between his lips and suck.  Which he happily did.  
  
Severus gasped, a sharp intake of breath that did little to reflect the unexpected pleasure he felt, strong enough to set his blood on fire. He had never imagined anything like that, had never guessed his nipples were good for anything but useless ornamentation, but what Remus was doing now wrung more whimpers from him and made him arch his back, wanting more.  
  
The way Severus writhed was a delight, and Remus gave a growl of pleasure at the enthusiasm of his response.  As a reward, he gifted the other nipple with the same attention, even as he parted the shirt completely and pushed it back out of the way.  
  
After a few more long moments of attention, Remus began to move downward once more, lips and tongue and teeth tracing over Severus' skin, committing it to memory.  Every gasp and moan that signaled pleasure, Remus drank in with satisfaction, doubling and redoubling his efforts to drive Severus wild, to take him beyond his body, beyond the Dementors, beyond every bad thing that had occurred to him.  This was a gift he could give Severus, and he wanted it to be a masterpiece.   
  
Dipping his tongue into the hollow of Severus' navel, Remus pulled his wand, murmuring a spell against Severus' skin which made trousers, underpants, shoes, and socks disappear and left Severus beautifully bare.  Lifting his eyes to Severus' face, Remus smiled, an expression full of desire but also the tenderness of his love for Severus.  "For you, love... just for you," he murmured, then lowered his head and took Severus into his mouth.  
  
The sudden and unexpected removal of his clothes made Severus let out a little squawk of dismay, and he had the urge to grab whatever he could reach to cover himself; he had not been naked in front of another person since he was fourteen, when he started using the communal bathrooms of Slytherin House at odd times when he could be assured of privacy in order to avoid being made fun of. Then, he had been skinny, gawky, and knobby-kneed. Nothing much had changed over the years, and a rush of heat flooded his face as he thought about how he must look now, gaunt rather than skinny and still gawky and knobby-kneed.  
  
But before he could move or protest, he found himself sheathed in the wet heat of Remus' mouth, and all coherent thought fled in the onslaught of sensation. He had never felt anything like that before, had never imagined such exquisite pleasure was even possible, and he fell back against the pillow, his eyes wide, unable to articulate anything other than a soft "...oh..."  
  
The single sound Severus made was music to Remus' ears.  Moving his hands, he slid them beneath Severus' hips, lifting them as he continued to move, giving Severus pleasure in every way he knew how, wanting to wring every last bit of ecstasy possible from Severus' body and leave him wanting more.  He began to growl again, moving faster, urging Severus on with his eyes, begging for him to let go and allow the pleasure to overwhelm him.  
  
Severus closed his eyes and flung one arm across his face, far too self-conscious to watch Remus, but not looking meant he could feel more intensely, and his touch-starved body was eager, every little sensation making him quiver, the tension within him coiling tighter and tighter until he felt he might go mad. He wanted to fight for control, instinct urging him to cling to whatever shreds of self-control he could, but he was swept up in the long-dormant and long-ignored needs of his own flesh, and there was no hope for control now. A strangled cry escaped him, and his back bowed as ecstasy unlike anything he had ever known before overwhelmed him, and the resulting explosion left him limp and shivering in the aftermath.  
  
Remus held Severus as his release rocked him, then eased him through every tremor of it until he collapsed back to the mattress, sated and trembling.  Smiling, Remus crawled back up the bed, licking his lips before pulling Severus into his arms, cradling him gently and stroking his back.  "You're fantastic," he said, pressing kisses against Severus' face, then capturing his lips for a last slow kiss.  "Perfect."  
  
Once the euphoria of release faded, the uncertainty and embarrassment returned, and Severus squirmed restlessly, glancing sidelong at Remus with a rising flush in his cheeks. He wasn't certain what to do now or what Remus wanted or expected, and he felt horribly exposed - and not just because he was mostly naked. "Do you..." He swallowed hard and gestured at the lower half of Remus' body uncertainly. "Do you want me to do that to you?"  
  
Remus smiled reassuringly, guessing at the source of Severus' flush.  "No.  Well, yes, but not now.  Maybe someday, when you're ready and willing and not recovering from what you went through today."  He stroked Severus' hair back from his face, looking deep into Severus' eyes.  "This was about you, not about me.  You've given and given, Severus, and received so little in return.  I wanted to give you something, to show you that your body \- your life - isn't all about pain and suffering.  There is joy, and pleasure, and... more.  So much more.  You needed this, and I wanted to give it to you because you matter to me.  More than anyone else."  
  
Severus lowered his gaze, his mind racing. Remus had done this without expecting recompense, which was a novel experience for Severus; he was far more accustomed to finding strings attached and debt incurred, especially when it came to anything pleasant. And that had been very pleasant. But Remus also professed to love him, which was a bizarre notion in and of itself without sex involved.  
  
But now he wondered if compromising his virtue had left him entirely unclean, no trace of anything good, pure, or clean left to him. As much as he had enjoyed what had happened, he feared it was a mistake, destroying the one thing left to him that was remotely worthwhile. He had needed this; to his shame, he couldn't deny that he had all but begged for it, and so once more he had been his own worst enemy, making decisions that dragged him further down in the muck.  
  
"You gave me pleasure and a surcease of pain," he said at last. For once, he wasn't inclined to blame Remus; he had been in need, and Remus had tried to help, as Remus had been doing for weeks, and he was clear-headed enough not to lash out unfairly this time.  
  
"I'm glad."  Remus looked at Severus searchingly, sensing that there was something underlying those simple words.  He hadn't expected raptures of thanks, but somehow Severus seemed more withdrawn and far less peaceful than Remus could have wished for at a time like this.  He continued to stroke Severus' back gently, soothing him as he had earlier. "I know it was only a momentary respite. Severus, if you need to talk, please talk to me.  I can tell something is bothering you, and I want to help fix it if I can."  
  
Severus broke away from the embrace and rolled onto his side, curling in on himself a little, his hands curled into loose fists and tucked beneath his chin. He wasn't certain he wanted to talk. What good would it do now, after the fact? But he had enough experience with Remus' tenacity to know he needed to say something, and even if he didn't want to talk, he rather thought he needed to. If nothing else, perhaps getting his thoughts outside his own head might give him a different perspective.  
  
"I don't want to give up my virginity," he said at last.  
  
Of all the things Remus had expected Severus to say, that certainly wasn't one of them.  He blinked, and then he sighed, aching for Severus.  He always seemed to frame things in terms of losses rather than gains, and while some things did come with a price - a steep, heavy price - this certainly wasn't one of them.  
  
"Well, you haven't," he replied, his voice soft and quiet.  "And virginity doesn't mean anything, Severus.  It doesn't define who you are or determine your worth as a person.  If that was the case, there are remarkably few valuable people on this planet - and I happen to know that your intrinsic worth is far higher than some supposed state of innocence."   
  
Reaching out, he stroked his hand lightly down Severus' spine.  "If you're worried about me, about going too far, I promise you that I won't.  I'm not going to take anything from you.  I don't agree with the esteem you seem to hold your virginity in, but since you do hold it, I will respect that.  I meant it when I said I wanted to help you.  And helping doesn't mean taking something from you that you don't want to give.  But I'm only human, you know, so if you ever do offer yourself to me, I hope it will be with your eyes open and with joy.  I happen to feel that love is something that enriches both the giver and the receiver, and that's what I want it to be like for you, no matter if it's with me or..."   
  
Remus couldn't bring himself to finish that thought.  He didn't want anyone else to have Severus, but he was well aware that Severus might never come to him willingly. But now, he knew he could accept no less.  "That's what I want it to be like for you.  When you know that you aren't losing your virginity but gaining the joy which is yours by right."  
  
Shaking his head, Severus buried his face in the pillow, wishing he could believe Remus but unable to do so. "I have no intention of giving myself to anyone," he said, his voice muffled. "This is the one way in which I am still clean. This is the one thing about myself I can respect and take pride in. Losing it will leave me covered in nothing but filth of my own making."  
  
Remus was a patient man, but at last he was reaching his wits end.  No matter what he did, or said, Severus was determined to feel himself unworthy of anything.  After the adrenaline rush of the fight with the Dementors and the arousal that had had no relief, to hear Severus saying these things was more than he could bear.  While part of him wanted to stay in the bed, pull Severus into his arms, and assure him it would be all right, he knew that it wouldn't change Severus' opinions in the slightest.  Only Severus could do that, and Remus felt as though he had slammed into a brick wall now, one higher and thicker than he could breach.  He loved Severus, but even that love couldn't soothe his current frustration.  
  
Rolling out of the bed, Remus rose to his feet, straightening his clothes before running his hand through his hair.  "I love you, Severus. I truly do," he said softly, his voice betraying his sudden inner weariness.  "But if you can't see your own worth, you're never going to believe that I see it.  You've accused me in the past of seeing only what I wanted to see, of wearing a mask and blinding myself to the truth when it came to my friends, and you were right.  Well, you're doing it now to yourself, and you can't see it.  I can't strip away that mask, Severus; only you can do it, and I don't know that you are even willing to try."  
  
He moved to the door, pausing for a moment to look back over his shoulder.  "I'll be downstairs, if you need me.  You're safe here, Severus.  From the Dementors and from me."   
  
With that he left the room, closing the door softly behind him.  



	15. Chapter 15

Severus sent off a letter to Draco explaining why he hadn't shown up, and he voiced his suspicion that the Dementors that assailed him were more manifestations in order to underscore the danger they were all in just in case Draco had begun having second thoughts about agreeing to help. Then he went straight to work.  
  
He hadn't remained in the bed for more than a minute or two after Lupin left the room. The thought of burrowing under the covers and remaining there, curled up in a tight ball, had been an appealing one, but not for long; he didn't want to stay in Lupin's bed, naked, with the scent of sex still lingering in the air to remind him of what an idiot he'd been. Not for giving in to his needs, although that was foolish enough, but for letting Lupin draw him out afterward. Lupin had claimed he wanted to give without expectation of anything in return because Severus mattered to him and had encouraged Severus to talk to him afterward about whatever was troubling him. Severus had - and without screaming or lashing out, which was little short of miraculous.  
  
In hindsight, he had to admit there was a needy part of him that had wanted to talk. A dam, a barrier - something had broken that night at the Chinese restaurant, allowing Severus to let down his guard enough to trust Lupin and talk to him, confessing things he would never admit to anyone else. Once he had begun talking, it was difficult to stop, and part of him didn't want to, recognizing that to keep bottling everything up would only exacerbate his problems; talking, he had to admit, helped, easing the burden he had carried alone for so long. He had come to feel safe, knowing Lupin wouldn't think him weak or mock him. Lupin would take his fears about his own mental health seriously and try to help. Or so he had thought.  
  
When he had confessed his fears about what would happen if he was no longer a virgin, he had meant every word, but deep down, part of him longed for Lupin to say something that might help him stop feeling so unclean. Instead, Lupin had scolded him and left, and now Severus didn't know what to do or why he felt as if he had said something completely wrong, and so he fell back on old habits, pushing his tumultuous emotions aside and focusing on work.  
  
He had stormed off to the bathroom to take a scalding hot shower, scrubbing his skin until it was fiery red as if he could somehow wash away the memory of Lupin's touch; he dressed in clean clothes, banishing the rumpled garments he'd been wearing from his sight, and then he went to the library to compose his letter. Now he was tucked away in a window seat looking out over the tiny garden in back of the house; he had half-drawn the heavy velvet drapes to obscure himself from view and piled up a stack of books that had been tested and proven safe for handling by anyone. Unconsciously, he reverted to a posture from his school days when he'd immersed himself in studying: leaning against the wall with his knees bent and a book propped against his thighs.  
  
He hadn't been there long before the owl returned and tapped on the window; he opened it, and the owl perched on his stack of books, holding out its leg so Severus could remove the letter. Quickly breaking the seal, Severus unfolded and read Draco's reply, which was brief.  
  
I regret to hear you had such an unfortunate encounter, and I hope you have suffered no ill effects from it. Tomorrow, then? Perhaps it would be best if I came to you. I have gathered a few books from the manor library that might be of use, and I can bring them easily.   
  
  
Draco  
  
Severus left the window seat long enough to return to the writing desk and compose a response.  
  
Tomorrow will be fine. Come to Number 12 Grimmauld Place in London at ten o'clock in the morning. I will have someone waiting outside to grant you access to the house.   
  
With that, he sent the owl off again, ignoring its reproachful look when he informed it he didn't have an owl treats to give. He supposed he ought to let someone else know Draco would be paying a call, but he wasn't in the mood to speak to Lupin, and he didn't want to go looking for Granger and inadvertently cross paths with Weasley the Younger in the process. He could send a note, however, which would eliminate the necessity of speaking to anyone face-to-face. Taking up quill and parchment again, he wrote two identical notes, one to Granger and one to Lupin, informing them both when Draco would be arriving and that Draco needed someone to show him inside with the implied understanding that the someone would not be Severus himself. If the Dementors returned, he would be no better able to defend himself or Draco given his inability to cast a Patronus. He added that he had sent notes to both of them so they could work out between themselves who would be Draco's welcoming party.  
  
He folded the notes into two little paper airplanes, drew his wand, and cast a charm on them of the sort he had seen used at the Ministry for inter-office memos; it was a simple enough charm, and the notes quickly rose off the desk and zoomed away to find their intended recipient. Satisfied, Severus tucked away his wand and returned to his hiding place in the window seat to bury his nose in a book and shut out the rest of the world.  
  
The note found Remus in the parlor, and he read it, nodding in approval for Severus' actions.  But as he folded the piece of paper up again, he frowned, biting his lip as he thought about what had occurred between the two of them earlier.  There were reasons why he had to leave the room, but in retrospect, he realized Severus might not understand them.  He owed Severus an apology; he could only hope it would be accepted.  
  
Rising to his feet, Remus made his way upstairs, surprised to find Severus wasn't in the bedroom they shared.  He had a moment's panic that Severus might have left the house, but he quickly squelched that thought.  After the attack of the morning, he wouldn't be surprised if Severus could ever be coaxed out of the house again.  Therefore ,Severus was somewhere within Grimmauld Place, and it was up to Remus to find him.  
  
It was much easier said than done.  
  
A search of the upper floors yielded nothing, nor did Severus appear to be in the library or the kitchen.  Yet he had to be somewhere in the house, and so Remus began to search again, moving silently through the rooms, sniffing the air with lycanthrope-enhanced senses.  The trail seemed to lead back to the library, and Remus strolled through the room, pretending to look at the books even as he listened closely for any sound that would indicate Severus' presence.  
  
There were very few places where one could hide, and short of Severus wedging himself under a sofa or between bookcases, that left only the window seat as a possibility.  Remus approached the curtains, raising one hand to pull them back and then pausing, not wanting to be seen as barging in on Severus, who he could now hear breathing softly.  
  
"I owe you an apology," he said quietly.  "I'm sorry for walking out as I did, Severus.  It was wrong of me.  Very wrong.  I don't have an excuse, but I do have an explanation, if you're willing to hear it.  If not, I understand, but I would sincerely like an opportunity to tell you face to face."  
  
Engrossed in a book, Severus had been only vaguely aware of someone moving around the room, and he had paid it little mind, assuming whoever-it-was was likely not looking for him and would leave him in peace if they happened to realize he was there. But the moment he heard Lupin's voice, he froze, startled not only by being spoken to directly - damned werewolf senses must have given him away - but also by the words themselves. He swallowed hard, and he could feel his heart pounding against the walls of his chest, although he couldn't explain, even to himself, why he was suddenly nervous.  
  
Habit prompted him to snarl a demand that Lupin go away and leave him alone, but somehow, the words didn't make it to his lips, and he found himself drawing back the curtain obscuring him; he gazed at Lupin impassively, saying nothing, merely waiting for him to continue with whatever he had to say.  
  
Remus almost sagged in relief when Severus twitched the draperies back, but he kept his feet, drawing in a breath and pinning an uncertain smile on his face.  "Thank you," he said gratefully, then hesitated for a moment, looking into Severus' eyes, wondering if he'd see any softening.  But Severus' gaze was completely neutral, and Remus winced internally, wondering if he'd blotted his copybook beyond all hope of salvage.  
  
Still, he wouldn't know until he tried, and he swallowed hard before opening his mouth to speak.  "I truly am sorry for walking out as I did.  It's... well, I find it hard, especially close to the moon, to retain my inner equilibrium.  It's not usually too much of a problem, but with... um..." He paused, flushing with embarrassment.  "The frustration, you see.  Of wanting you, and not having you, and between that and the wolf, I knew my temper was short.  You were trying to explain your feelings, I know, but all I could hear was you running yourself down, believing you were of no worth, telling me that my touching you would make you unclean and take from you the only thing you thought of worth.  It was.. hard.  Hard to hear, and I knew I needed to leave before I said something that was a product of my own frustrations, and not a product of my feelings for you."  
  
He stopped there, biting his lip again, his golden eyes dark with remorse and uncertainty.   "I don't know if you can forgive me, Severus, but I am so sorry. I should have taken a moment to calm myself and then have come back, not have left you as I did."  
  
Severus turned his gaze back to the open book still propped on his bent legs, looking at it without seeing it as he mulled over what Lupin had said. After a time, he closed the book and set it aside, but he didn't look at Lupin. "I offered to reciprocate," he pointed out. "If you had accepted, it would have alleviated your frustration. As it stands, it seems to me you did say things out of frustration. You know I am damaged. I even confided in you to what extent. If you are unable to cope with me as broken as I am, perhaps it is best we learn it now rather than later, before I have invested any further trust in you."  
  
"No!"  Remus gasped in dismay, his eyes wide. "I can cope, Severus, I swear.  I just... it was not a good circumstance is all, not your fault, but mine.  The adrenaline of fighting off the Dementors, the fear of losing you, then... I certainly hadn't planned on us making love, not after _that_ , but you seemed to need the comfort, and I wanted to give it."   
  
He ran a hand through his hair, hating himself for having brought them to this.  "It wouldn't have been right to let you reciprocate.  Don't you see?   After what you had been through,  you needed the comfort, and I... I would have felt as though I were taking advantage of you."  Remus swallowed again,  feeling his throat tighten.  "And after, when you said that your virginity was all that was good left in you, it made me feel awful.  I want you, you know that.  And I don't want to destroy what you feel is all you have left.  I don't agree at all that your virginity is your only worth, and I am willing to enumerate all the things I think make you a good and worthwhile person at length, if you'd like.  But hearing that you believe it, it... it was frightening.  That you might hate me for wanting what you feel is the only thing you have left."  
  
Severus wrapped both arms around his knees and drew his legs closer to his chest. To his own surprise, he wasn't angry and didn't feel inclined to scream or lash out; mostly, he felt tired and subdued, not wanting to quarrel for once. He listened quietly, and whether it was due to the Calming Concoction or simply not being so overwhelmed with anger that he could hear and think rather than just react, he thought he grasped the essence of what had driven Lupin to get up and walk out.  
  
"I don't hate you for wanting to have sex with me," he said quietly, resting his chin on one bony knee. "I also did not mean what I said as a reflection on you or what we had done. It was a statement of fact about how I feel, nothing more. You asked," he added pointedly.  
  
Remus stepped closer, lifting a hand to touch Severus lightly on the shoulder.  "I did ask, and I do want to talk, to have you confide in me, to try to help you to feel better if I can," he said softly.  "I'm sorry for losing sight of your needs in this - I won't let it happen again, I promise.  But if I may correct you on one thing?  I don't want to have sex with you, Severus.  Sex is something that I could have with any other willing body, and I have no interest in it.  What I want to do with you is make love.  To find a meeting of minds and hearts as well as bodies.  That's another reason why I couldn't let you alleviate my frustrations.  I want you to be so much more than an outlet for physical needs.  When... if... we are ever intimate, I want it to mean as much to you as it does to me."  
  
Severus hunched his shoulders, curling in on himself. His needs... He had too many. He was damaged, so much so that he could barely handle his own emotions, much less be aware or careful of someone else's. Today had proven that. "I am beyond high maintenance," he said, scarcely aware of having voiced his thoughts aloud. He gave himself a little shake when he realized he had spoken, and he grimaced slightly. "This is far too one-sided, and I cannot say with any confidence whether it will be anything but one-sided with my mental and emotional states being what they are. I certainly cannot say there will ever be intimacy."  
  
"I know."  Remus sighed, tightening his hand on Severus' shoulder supportively.  "I'm not asking for anything you are unwilling or unable to give, and no matter what your feelings are, that won't change mine.  But because of what I feel for you, I want to take care of you, to help you get better whether you might ever want me or not.  I don't seek anything in return, except the hope that perhaps, one day, you might feel something for me in return.  And if you don't...."  he sighed.  "Well, of course I will hope that you do, but if you don't, it's not a reflection on you.  We don't choose where we love, after all, and I can't blame you if you never return my feelings."  
  
"Fine. That is your choice, and I take no responsibility for it." Severus uncurled slightly and picked up the book he had put aside, opening it to a random page. He glanced up at Lupin, his expression neutrally questioning. "Is that all?"  
  
"I..." Remus stopped, then shrugged, pushing down the pain he felt at having been dismissed.  "I suppose it is.  I do hope you can forgive me some day."  
  
It wasn't a matter of forgiving or not as far as Severus was concerned, but rather coming to terms with the realization of how ill-equipped he was to handle other people, especially someone who cared for him. There was a limit to how much he could give and his empathy was practically nil, which didn't bode well for a healthy, successful relationship of any kind. He had let down his guard and reached out, giving in to his needs - and it had backfired spectacularly. A reminder of the folly inherent in being anything less than self-sufficient.  
  
Lifting one hand, he scrubbed his face wearily. "You're forgiven," he said. "Now please leave me alone."  
  
"All right," Remus said, stepping back.  He wondered why absolution felt so hollow; it was as though by giving in to his own frustrations for one brief moment, he had pushed Severus away completely.  He didn't know what to do now, and so he merely nodded, turning to leave the room and wishing with all his heart that Severus would call him back and ask him to stay.  But that was nothing but a dream, and he knew it.  



	16. Chapter 16

  
"I don't think an infestation of dolts becomes the place anymore than an  
infestation of doxies, if anyone wants my opinion."  
  
"No one does," Hermione muttered, shooting Draco an annoyed look.  Then her  
gaze moved to Remus, and she rolled her eyes, her expression saying more clearly  
than words that she thought her one-time nemesis hadn't changed since their  
school days.  War or peace, victory or defeat, it seemed the Malfoy ego was  
made of rather resilient stuff.  
  
Remus smiled slightly, but he shook his head, not wanting to antagonize either  
Draco or Severus, who had brought him here.  He didn't know if Draco's  
presence would aid them in curing Harry or not, but it certainly couldn't  
hurt.  He looked at Draco, who was sneering at the dust on the shelves,  
then once more at Hermione, whose brow had lowered ominously.  
  
Well, he hoped it couldn't hurt.  
  
"I suggest we focus on the reason why we are here," Severus said in a tone that  
made it clear it wasn't really a suggestion. There was a slight hint of his old  
persona from his days of teaching at Hogwarts, mustered because he refused to  
show weakness in front of either Draco or  
Granger. "Draco, I assume you are clever enough to identify which books are  
problematic. If you will investigate them, the rest of us will look through the  
books you brought from the manor." He paused and raised one eyebrow as he added,  
"I assume they are all perfectly safe to handle."  
  
Part of him didn't put it past Draco to include a book that might have some kind  
of negative effect on either Granger or Lupin just for spite, and he frowned  
when Draco's expression turned disingenuous.  
  
"Well, you might want to be careful about handling that one," Draco drawled,  
pointing to a thick volume bound in poisonous green leather. "Gloves should  
suffice."  
  
"Thank you for the warning," Severus replied dryly.  
  
"Yes, thank you," Remus echoed, pulling a pair of gloves out of his trouser  
pockets and donning them.  He glanced at Severus, lifting a brow.   
"I'll take this one, since werewolves have a bit more resistance to some  
curses."  He turned to the book, opening it and beginning to read, catching  
Draco's smirk from the corner of his eye.  Even that expression couldn't  
unsettle him, however.  Since his talk with Severus the previous day, he  
seemed to have fallen into a state of disconnection, feeling as though he  
were... waiting.  He didn't know what for, but waiting nonetheless.  
  
Hermione picked up the next book in the stack, giving its blood red cover a look  
of distaste before settling cross-legged on the floor and opening it. "I hope we  
can find something soon," she said.  "Before things get any worse."  
  
Severus picked up a book bound in blue with gilt stars on the cover, which read  
A Treatise onne the Nature of Slepe aynd  
Dreams, and he retreated to the window seat. As long as Draco was  
occupied, he wouldn't cause trouble or attempt to needle anyone - or so Severus  
hoped - and Severus was not inclined to be sociable, still feeling the need to  
withdraw and be quiet. He didn't want to talk or be talked to, and focusing on  
research was the best way to avoid both.  
  
"So do I," Remus said, his eyes straying to Severus and his words meaning more  
than just a desire to avoid any more manifestations.  He forced his eyes  
back to his book, although it was hard to concentrate on the Middle English  
discussion of demonic nocturnal visitations.  He forced himself to  
concentrate, however, eventually becoming absorbed enough to not steal glances  
at Severus every time he turned a page.  
  
"Ugh, this is loathsome," Hermione said a  
few minutes later, setting the red book down on the floor and rising to her  
feet.  "I really don't know if reading about erotic sleeping charms is  
going to help much; none of Harry's manifestations are... carnal."   
  
Remus glanced up to find her face twisted up in dismay, and he looked over at  
Severus again, wondering if there might actually be a connection.  Severus  
had described his own erotic dreams, but Remus highly doubted those were  
connected to Harry, given the way all the other things which had affected  
Severus had been bad.  He was spared from saying anything, however, when  
Draco laughed.  
  
"I can understand your revulsion. The thought of Potter and sex is enough to  
make me lose my appetite, too," he said.  "Of course, Weasley's not much  
better in that regard.  Come to think of it, any dream with a Gryffindor in  
it would be a nightmare by definition."  
  
It was obvious he was trying to goad Hermione, and Remus rose to his feet when  
he saw her expression darken.  "Why don't we concentrate on the matter at  
hand?" he asked, keeping his voice calm and pleasant, but he shot Draco a look  
of mild reproof.  "What's happening with Harry affects us all, good or bad,  
and it's in our best interests to work together."  
  
Severus glanced up from his book, suppressing a sigh. He was in no mood to  
mediate, especially since he was no more fond of Potter or Granger than Draco  
was, and he wasn't certain he could say anything that would be helpful rather  
than inflammatory. "Let us avoid thinking of Potter altogether, shall we?" he  
said at last. "It will make the process easier for both of us, Draco."  
  
Draco shrugged and turned back to perusing the bookshelves, while Hermione shot  
Draco another look of annoyance and moved to pick up another book from the pile  
Draco had brought.  Remus thought his own book was of little use, and he  
set it aside, electing to retrieve another as well.  
  
Several minutes passed without any words, the only sounds that of the turning of  
pages.  Draco had no more sarcastic comments to make, at least for the  
moment, and Remus let himself become absorbed in the next book.  
  
It was the rumbling of his stomach that next caused Remus to look up, glancing  
at the clock and grimacing when he noticed that several hours had passed.   
He sighed and rose to his feet, stretching his arms above his head to work the  
kinks out of his back.  "Is anyone else hungry?" he asked, looking at the  
others with a lifted brow.  "I can go make us some sandwiches.  And I  
take it no one has found anything yet?"  
  
"Nothing," Hermione said morosely.  "This must be the first time in my life  
that I'm frustrated by reading, because it's not producing the bits I want to  
find!"  
  
"No, nothing."  Draco sounded bored, and his look at Remus was more than a  
little challenging.  "Can't you manage something better than sandwiches,  
Lupin?  And is there any decent wine in this place?  I'm parched, and  
that's no way to treat a guest!"  
  
Severus' own frustration level was rising after hours of fruitless searching.  
The books he had been poring over were fascinating in and of themselves, but  
none of them had any information on Actum  
Malsomnium, and he was beginning to wonder if the spell was so Dark that,  
like Horcruxes, even the darkest of Dark Arts texts chose to gloss over it.  
Draco's complaints drew him out of the book he was currently looking through,  
and he glanced up, his expression mirroring his irritation. Old habits died  
hard, however, and he said nothing to rebuke Draco for his rudeness. After being  
the sole Slytherin in a house full of Gryffindors and after being the champion  
of Slytherin House at Hogwarts for so many years, he was not about to leap to  
the defense of his Gryffindor house-mates. Instead, he huffed impatiently and  
turned his attention back to his book; he didn't want any damned sandwiches  
anyway.  
  
"Really, Malfoy," Hermione said, rising to her feet as well and fixing Draco  
with a look that was poisonously sweet.  "You would think that with your  
upbringing, your manners would be a bit better than they are!  I'm not  
talking about your demands, either. You should be polite to Remus!"  
  
"Why?" Draco asked, his expression mocking.  "He's just a werewolf.   
Are you brewing his potion, Granger, so that he'll be your tame dog?  If I  
were you, I'd watch out. You know he can be forgetful."  
  
Remus stepped back as though he had been slapped.  It hurt having his  
failure thrown up in his face like that. Even after so many years, it still  
stung, and he couldn't forget the fact that he  
had forgotten and had thereby risked the  
lives of his friends, his students, and of Severus as well.  "I don't  
forget anymore," he said stiffly, gesturing for Hermione to let him handle this  
himself.  "That was an accident, and I've never forgotten since."  
  
"Oh, really?" Draco asked, unfazed by Remus' words.  He crossed his arms  
over his chest, and his expression turned haughty; he was obviously enjoying  
himself.  "I've always wondered if you really did forget or if you did it  
on purpose.  You had the perfect excuse, right?  And I knew Greyback  
very well.  You're all really monsters inside, aren't you?"  
  
"Draco Malfoy!" Hermione looked livid, her face flushed and her bushy hair  
seeming to bristle out from her head in her fury.  "What a loathsome thing  
to say!  Remus is nothing like Greyback, and you well know it! 

Apologize at once!"  
  
"I don't think so," Draco replied.  "Once a monster, always a monster."  
  
Remus could see that Draco was gleeful at having roused Hermione's ire.  It  
was too much like his own school days, really, when Severus and Sirius would go  
at each other.  The thought held him paralyzed for a moment, as though the  
curtain of time had suddenly parted and a scene from the past was being replayed  
again.  It horrified him, but it was Hermione's next words that made all  
the blood drain from his face.  
  
"Well, maybe Greyback will come for you, seeing as he's been spotted again and  
you're such good friends," she spat.  Then she realized what she had said,  
and she clapped one hand over her mouth as her eyes went wide, taking in Remus'  
sick expression.  "Oh, Merlin... Remus, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean for  
you to find out like this..."  
  
For his part, Remus couldn't say anything for several moments.  Greyback...  
the bastard has disappeared after Voldemort's defeat, and Remus had dared to  
hope he had crawled off to die somewhere like the vermin he was.  But  
apparently that wasn't the case.  
  
"Where... when?" he managed to croak out.  He didn't want to know, but he

needed to.  "It's not just... one of  
Harry's dreams?"  
  
"I'm afraid not," she replied, her gaze full of worry and remorse.  "I  
found out from the Ministry today, just before I came home, actually.   
There was a confirmed sighting in a pub in Scotland, but he fled when he was  
recognized.  A few children have been reported missing over the last few  
months, and I suppose this explains why."  
  
"Daddy's home," Draco said maliciously, but Remus paid him no attention. 

He was too busy feel sick to his stomach at the news.  
  
Severus cradled the book in both hands, no longer reading but paying covert  
attention to the conversation; the news of Greyback resurfacing was chilling,  
especially in connection with missing children, and he had no doubt Greyback was  
up to his old tricks, trying to create his own werewolf army even though the  
Dark Lord he had vowed to serve was dead and turned to dust. Without the Dark  
Lord to control him, Greyback would be a formidable threat indeed.  
  
A glance showed that Lupin had turned pale as milk and looked as if he were  
about to be ill. Not that Severus could blame him, all things considered.  
  
"Greyback is no joking matter," he said, glancing at Draco. "Not for any of us.  
You are still young enough for him to find you appealing, family friend or no."  
  
"I'll get those sandwiches," Remus said hollowly, turning and fleeing the room  
as though the devil were on his heels.  He needed a few minutes alone to  
collect himself; it was too close to the moon, and the news about Greyback had  
set the wolf within to snarling with suppressed fury.  In the meantime, his  
human side felt nauseated and dizzy, the conflicting sensations more than he  
could handle in public at the moment.  
  
"You're positively foul," Hermione said, turning from watching Remus'  
departure.  Her shoulders were hunched forward, anger making her tremble as  
she marched toward Draco as though on a mission.  
  
Draco recognized the look on her face, and finally his smile slipped, and he  
stepped back involuntarily.  It was too little, too late, however, and the  
crack of Hermione's palm against his face echoed in the small room. Draco didn't  
manage to block the slap, and his head rocked back as the force of it knocked  
him off balance into a tea table stacked high with books.  The table went  
tumbling over, and Draco landed on top of it in a flurry of arms and legs and  
flying books.  When everything finally settled, Hermione went stock still,  
her eyes wide.   
  
"That's it!"  
  
"What's it?  You going to Azkaban for assault?" Draco's voice was petulant,  
and the print of Hermione's hand stood out stark red on his pale cheek.   
"You'll pay for that, Granger, I swear it!"  
  
"Oh, shut up," Hermione said, reaching past him to snatch a book up from the  
ground.  She spun on her heel and crossed to Severus, a wide, hopeful smile  
on her face as she handed it to him, open to a page.  "Is that it,  
Professor?  Is it?"  
  
Severus put aside the book he'd been studying and took the one Granger offered,  
a frown creasing his brow as he studied the page. He skimmed it first and then  
read it again more slowly, and at last, he nodded. "Yes. Yes, this is the curse  
that the Dark Lord cast on Potter."  
  
It was indeed Dark, not quite as horrific as creating a Horcrux, but why it  
didn't qualify as an Unforgivable, he wasn't certain. According to the book, the  
spell plunged its victim into his or her worst nightmares, trapping them in an  
endless loop from which they could not escape by themselves. There was nothing  
in the book about the spell causing dream imagery to become real, and Severus  
assumed that must be Potter's doing. From the reports given to the rest of the  
staff by the faux Moody, Potter had been able to resist the Imperius; perhaps  
that strength of will was helping him channel his magic in the only kind of plea  
for help he could make.  
  
"There is no easy counter-curse," Severus said, rubbing his chin idly as he  
re-read the information about the spell, looking for any detail, however slight,  
he might have missed that could help them. "Then again, I suppose if there were,  
even the idiots at St. Mungo's could have woken him up."  
  
"We found it!" Hermione beamed.  "That's the first step, though.  I'm  
sure we can find a counter-curse!  You and Prof... Remus are experts at  
Defense, after all.  I'm sure that between the two of you, you'll find a  
way to break it!"  
  
"Maybe Severus will," Draco said as he staggered to his feet, brushing off his  
robes and shooting Granger a murderous look. "This isn't over yet,  
Granger.  And I don't mean Potter's little nap."  
  
"Draco, do not do anything foolish," Severus said, a note of warning in his  
voice. "She is the close friend of the bloody Boy Who Lived. You are the son of  
a condemned Death Eater. Do not draw undue attention to yourself, or  
you will suffer for it, not her."  
  
Rising to his feet, he carried the book over to the nearest table and deposited  
it there, still open to the pages pertaining to the spell. It was one of Draco's  
books, and after the way things had gone today, Severus was doubtful that Draco  
would be accommodating enough to let them keep it. Summoning a roll of  
parchment, he drew his wand and tapped the book, and then he tapped the  
parchment, murmuring a copying charm. Words bloomed on the blank parchment in  
black ink as if written by an invisible hand, and he watched with satisfaction  
until all the information had been transferred.  
  
"There," he said. "That will do. Thank you for your assistance, Draco. It has  
proved to be invaluable."  
  
Drawling himself stiffly erect, Draco drew his wand and summoned the books he  
had brought with him.  "You're welcome, Severus," he said, not deigning to  
look at Hermione again.  "If you don't mind, I'll see myself out.  I  
have no desire to linger now that you have what you need."  
  
With that, he turned and stalked from the room, and the sound of the front door  
slamming hard followed a moment later.  
  
"I'd better go check on Remus," Hermione said, her joy at the discovery of the  
spell obviously mitigated by worry.  "Thanks again, Professor.  I have  
faith we'll find a way to break the curse, but we couldn't have gotten this far  
without you."  Her eyes were full of gratitude, and she dared to touch  
Severus on the arm, a fleeting gesture.  "It means a lot. Even if you don't  
like Harry, you're doing a very generous and kind thing."  
  
Severus yanked his arm away and drew himself up, peering down his nose at her.  
"I am doing what needs to be done. Kindness and generosity have nothing to do  
with it. As soon as that stupid boy is awake, I will no longer have the Furies  
hounding me. That alone is worth making the effort."  
  
Hermione only smiled. "That, too, I know. But I appreciate it nonetheless.   
Even Draco helping, although I know he did it for you, not for Harry.  But  
that doesn't change the fact that a good thing is being done, no matter what the  
reasons."  She winced.  "Although Malfoy still makes me more angry  
than almost anyone, especially insulting Remus like that.  Remus would do  
anything for anyone if they needed help, even Malfoy, because that's just how he  
is."  
  
Shaking her head, she stepped back. "I'll leave you to your research, then,  
while I tell Remus and Ron.  Then I'm going to go to St. Mungo's and tell  
Harry.  Somehow, I'm hoping he'll get the message that we know what's wrong  
and we're trying to fix it."  She offered another brief smile, and then she  
turned and left as well.  
  
Severus glared at her retreating back. Damned Gryffindors. They brought nothing  
but trouble to his life. Releasing a slow sigh, he rubbed his forehead to stave  
off a headache and turned his attention back to the stacks of books littering  
the library. Knowing the details of the spell helped, but that was only half the  
battle. Now they had to figure out how to end it. He went to browse for potions  
texts first, falling back on his primary area of expertise, and he pulled a book  
of highly advanced recipes from the shelf, retreating to the window seat with  
it.  
  


* * *

  
Darkness surrounded him, but it was a darkness  
tinted red around the edges.  Red like anger, red like blood.  The  
sound of his own breathing was harsh in his ears, and there was a thudding, fast  
and steady, that might have been his heart or could have been the pounding of  
his feet as he ran.  For he was running, fleeing, desperately searching out  
the shapes within the shadows, looking over his shoulder in terror at what he  
might see following behind.  
  
It was there in the dark, he knew it.  A  
thing of nightmare, all claws and fangs and glowing eyes.  Those eyes  
weren't red, though, even though they lived for the sight of spilling blood and  
rended flesh.  No, they were yellow, the color of jaundice, of sickness, of  
a twisted, tortured, evil soul.  It was coming, and it was coming for  
him,  
and there was nothing he could do, no where he could hide where he would be  
safe.  
  
On and on he ran for an endless time, exhaustion  
chasing him as surely as the pursuing horror.  It was a race between his  
failing body and the creature behind him, and no matter what happened, he was  
never going to escape.  
  
Then it came, as it always did - the tree root in  
the darkness, leaping up from the ground and entangling his feet.  He fell  
hard on the unyielding ground, rolling over quickly.  But not quickly  
enough.  Pain, sharp and burning as his shoulder was ripped and torn, and  
he was screaming, screaming until his throat tore and filled with bitter  
blood...  
  
Remus thrashed on the bed, piteous whimpers escaping him as he struggled against  
the nightmare, the same one that had haunted him for almost thirty-five  
years.  Drenched in sweat, he kicked off the blankets, his hands curled  
into fists on the sheets as he fought a foe only he could see.  As the  
fangs of his nightmare clamped down on his dream-self's shoulder, he sat up in  
the bed, still asleep but his eyes wide open and filled with terror.  
  
Severus hadn't taken a sleeping potion that night, and so he slept lightly,  
awakened quickly by the sound of whimpering and thrashing from the bed. He had  
chosen to sleep in the cot, unwilling to return to the bed after what had  
occurred in it; he would have preferred not to have been quartered in the same  
room at all, but he had no choice about that. Still, he had put his foot down  
about taking the cot although Lupin had offered the bed rather insistently.  
  
Throwing back the covers, Severus swung his legs over the side of the cot and  
stood, drawing his wand. "Lumos!"  
  
The charm illuminated the room enough to let him see Lupin sitting upright,  
although Severus could tell he wasn't awake; the horror and fear in his eyes  
made it clear he was still caught in whatever nightmare had gripped him, and  
Severus had ample experience with those. Striding over to the bed, he grabbed  
Lupin's shoulders and shook him roughly. "Wake up!"  
  
The sharp shaking got through, and Remus woke with a strangled cry, trembling  
from head to toe as he fought his way out of the darkness that threatened to  
consume him.  His wild eyes focused on Severus, and then he groaned,  
lifting a hand to his sweat-soaked brow.  "Sorry, Severus," he  
murmured.  "I didn't... I didn't mean to wake you up."  
  
Despite being chilled, his face flushed, and he dropped his eyes.  He  
hadn't had the nightmare in a long time, but the thought of Greyback being  
around again had unsettled him in ways he hadn't been in years.  He wanted  
nothing more than to pull Severus into his arms and hold him, to have warmth  
against him and the security of someone in his arms.  But Severus wanted  
nothing to do with him, and he drew in a shuddering breath.  "Go back to  
sleep.  I won't disturb you again."  
  
As soon as Lupin appeared to wake up, Severus released his shoulders and stepped  
back. He watched dispassionately as Lupin fought to control himself, familiar  
with the sight albeit from the other side; he'd had enough nightmares himself to  
know exactly how Lupin felt in the aftermath, and for all that he wanted to  
remain distant, he found it difficult in the face of Lupin's vulnerability. "I  
have a sleeping potion if you want it," he said at last.  
  
Remus raised his eyes at that, and then he nodded slowly.  "I'd appreciate  
it, thanks," he said.  Sleeping potions were iffy in their effectiveness  
due to his werewolf metabolism, but it would be better than nothing.  If it  
didn't work, he'd just take himself off downstairs and leave Severus in peace.  
  
With a curt nod, Severus left the bedroom and went to the workroom where he had  
been given space to brew; he stored the potions he made there, including the  
Calming Concoction and a small store of sleeping potions. He selected one of the  
stronger ones and took it back to the bedroom, unstoppering the vial and  
conjuring a spoon. "The normal dose is two spoonfuls," he said, holding out the  
bottle and spoon to Lupin. "But you should probably take three."  
  
Remus nodded and obeyed, but his hands were shaking so badly, he had to  
pause.  He swallowed hard, staring at the spoon in dismay, wanting to curl  
up and die of embarrassment that he couldn't do something so simple.   
Severus would think he was foolish and weak to be so affected by a nightmare  
that he could barely function.  
  
"Here." Severus took back the bottle and spoon, and he poured the first dose,  
holding it up to Lupin's lips with a matter-of-fact manner, no derision evident  
in his face or voice. He had been reduced to shaking and sweating too many times  
himself to censure anyone else for reacting in such a way to a nightmare.  
  
With a grateful look, Remus took the dose, swallowing it without even tasting  
it. It was cool, though, and it made him realize how parched he was. "Thank you,  
again. I'm sorry to be a burden."  
  
Severus acknowledged the thanks with a nod and poured another spoonful, holding  
it up. "Do you want some water?" he asked, remembering how night-sweats left him  
dehydrated and thirsty.  
  
The offer surprised him, but Remus nodded, feeling too drained and shaky to  
demur.  "Yes, I would, please," he said, and he accepted the second  
spoonful. This time, he actually tasted the sweetness.  "I don't know how  
well I could walk at the moment."  
  
"Then don't," Severus replied brusquely as he measured out the last dose.  
  
Once Lupin had taken the third spoonful, he dispelled the conjured spoon,  
stoppered the bottle, and set it aside in case it was needed again. Without  
another word, he swept out of the bedroom and down the corridor to the bathroom,  
where he conjured a glass and filled it with cool water. Pausing, he debated for  
a moment, and then he retrieved a washcloth, wet it thoroughly, and wrung it  
out, carrying it back along with the glass.  
  
When he returned to the bedroom, he set the glass on the bedside table and  
folded the cloth, pressing it against Lupin's forehead. "Hold that," he  
instructed. Picking up the glass again, he raised it to Lupin's lips, careful  
not to spill it down Lupin's chin as he offered the water. "Drink slowly. Not  
too much at a time."  
  
Remus was surprised when Severus brought back the cloth as well as the glass of  
water, but he held it up as instructed, giving a soft moan of pleasure at the  
feel of it against his flushed skin.  He sipped carefully from the glass,  
the cool water like heaven to his aching throat.  Slowly he drank the  
entire glass, then moved his head with a sigh of relief.  "Thank you,  
Severus.  I needed that."  He managed a ghost of a smile, although his  
eyes were still haunted, the skin beneath looking bruised.  "I've not had a  
nightmare like that in years."  
  
Putting the empty glass aside, Severus took the washcloth and pressed it against  
Lupin's flushed cheeks before returning it to his forehead. "Oh?" It was a  
noncommittal response, leaving it up to Lupin to elaborate or not, but either  
way, Severus remained by the bed, holding the washcloth in place.  
  
Severus wasn't moving away from him, which was yet another surprise for Remus to  
assimilate.  But he wasn't going to question it.  "Yes.  I...  
well, it was the same dream I've had ever since Greyback bit me when I was a  
child.  Running in the night, being chased, then tripping and..."  He  
stopped, a massive shudder wracking his body, and he raised his right hand to  
his left shoulder, rubbing at the scar he could feel through his  
nightshirt.  "It hurts, even in my dream.  And I scream and scream,  
and no one hears."  
  
Severus listened quietly, feeling a twinge of sympathy even though he didn't  
want to; he had been trying to distance himself emotionally from Lupin since  
their interlude, and he had done a good job of it. Until now. But it was  
impossible for him to stay neutral when he knew all too well what it was like to  
wake up with a throat raw from screaming.  
  
"It was just a dream," he said, his voice soft and deep, not a deliberately  
soothing tone but coming out as one nonetheless, and he ran the cool, damp  
washcloth along the side of Lupin's face. "You survived the reality. The dream  
is but a pale reflection. If you meet Greyback again, you will not be helpless,  
and I dare say you will not be alone."  
  
Remus shivered again, torn between the pleasure of Severus' ministrations and  
the remembered horror of what he had been through at the hands of the werewolf  
who had turned him.  But the potion seemed to be taking effect, because  
things felt a bit more muted and distant than they had before.  "I hope  
so," he murmured, blinking slowly up at Severus, the light in his eyes fading as  
though a gossamer curtain was slowly being drawn across them.  "There is  
nothing worse than facing your worst nightmares all alone, knowing that help  
will never come.  I know you know that, too.  And all about facing the  
monsters, the ones inside as well as those without."   
  
"Yes, I know all about that, too." Putting the washcloth aside for a moment,  
Severus drew his wand and cast a cleaning charm to cleanse the residue of sweat  
from Lupin's skin, nightshirt, and sheets. Then he picked up the cloth and  
bathed Lupin's face one last time before folding the cloth neatly and placing it  
on the bedside table. "Close your eyes and let the potion work," he said. "You  
have nothing to fear. It will keep you from dreaming again tonight."  
  
Consciousness began to fade, and with it, his cares.  Remus even smiled as  
he seemed to fall in slow motion back against the pillows, feeling cool and  
comfortable once more due to Severus' efforts.  "Thank you so much for  
taking care of me," he said, his voice slow and thick as lassitude seemed to  
steal over his body.  "You've made me feel much better." A drowsy chuckle  
escaped him.  "Now if I only had something to cuddle, everything would be  
perfect."  
  
With that, his eyes closed and he relaxed completely, not yet fully asleep but  
floating in the peaceful state just before it.  He wanted to tell Severus  
something else, something important, but the words were barely a whisper from  
his lips.  "-you...."  
  
Severus stood beside the bed and gazed down at Lupin, the blank expression on  
his face belying the turmoil of emotion he felt, most of it confusion that  
centered around Lupin. He didn't want to let down his guard again; it wasn't  
safe for either of them. He most certainly did not want to  
care, but something had changed tonight as  
it had at the restaurant, a subtle but undeniable shift that he couldn't ignore  
unless he fled, taking himself far away from this room, this house, and Lupin.  
  
For months, he had been weak, in denial at first and then angry at himself for  
not being strong enough to overcome the mental and emotional toll as he had  
every other obstacle in his life. He had finally encountered something he  
couldn't control or overcome, and it made him feel weak and helpless, especially  
since the betrayal came from within his own mind. But tonight, he had not been  
the only one haunted by nightmares from the past, and he had not been weak.  
  
He knew most people would not recognize that he had spent most of his life as a  
guardian in big and small ways. He had protected Hogwarts and its denizens, he  
had protected Potter, he had served as Dumbledore's weapon. It was he whom Poppy  
Pomfrey had called on when there was an injury beyond her ability to mend,  
usually those stemming from the darker side of magic. It was he who had tried to  
protect those under his care in Slytherin House from the disdain of the other  
three Houses, even though it contributed to division rather than unification.  
  
Taking care of Lupin had felt like stepping into his old role, more so than his  
work in helping find a way to awaken Potter. That was blind groping in the dark,  
stumbling across answers in the literal sense, and he knew what to do no more  
than any of the rest of them. But tonight, he had known and could take charge  
with the surety of his actions, and it helped in an odd way, offering  
reassurance that part of him was not lost forever.  
  
But it still left him in an uncomfortable position where Lupin was concerned. He  
didn't want protective instincts to shift into anything more intimate, but he  
suspected it was too late for that.  
  
He reached out hesitantly, stopping the movement of his hand more than once  
along the way, and he brushed the backs of his fingers along Lupin's cheek and  
then smoothed Lupin's hair back from his face, an unusual gentleness in his  
touch.  
  
Drifting in twilight, Remus sensed the touch, somehow feeling the caring in it,  
and with a small sigh of contentment, he turned into it, seeking firmer  
contact.  A small smile curved his lips, and his eyelids fluttered briefly  
before his face smoothed out once more into the relaxation of sleep.  
  
It seemed as if Lupin was asleep again, and Severus drew back his hand and  
stepped away, debating whether to return to the cot and try to get a little more  
sleep himself or go back to the library or the workroom to make a start on  
brewing the Wolfsbane Potion. He wasn't concerned about leaving Lupin alone; the  
potion would keep all dreams, including nightmares, at bay, and Lupin would be  
able to rest well until morning.  
  
The loss of contact made Remus frown, and he moved, throwing at an arm in  
Severus' direction as though seeking him.  A whimper escaped his throat as  
his head moved on the pillow, a frown line forming between his eyes.  Even  
in sleep, he seemed to desire Severus' touch, and his lips parted as he sighed  
softly for the loss.  
  
Severus frowned as well, puzzled by Lupin's restlessness. The potion blocked  
dreams, so Lupin ought not be suffering any ill-effects from nightmares again,  
and Severus was at a loss to know what was wrong. He moved back to the bed and  
touched Lupin's forehead, checking for fever.  
  
The  pressure of Severus' hand made the frown smooth out, and Remus sighed  
again, this time in contentment.  He relaxed bonelessly under Severus'  
touch, seeming soothed by his presence into peaceful slumber once more.  
  
Oh, bugger. Severus' frown deepened as the pieces clicked into place, and he  
realized Lupin was reacting not to a dream or illness but to him. That was  
damned inconvenient and annoying to boot, adding one more complication to a  
situation in which he already felt more uncertain than he ever had about  
anything before in his life. Perhaps, he thought, it would suffice if he  
remained close until Lupin sank into deeper sleep; then he could leave and get  
some work done because he doubted his own insomnia would allow him to return to  
sleep after all the excitement.  
  
He sat down on the side of the bed, still frowning as if he would have launched  
into a litany of grievances if Lupin were awake to hear it, and he clasped  
Lupin's hand, holding it between both his own in his lap. With any luck, the  
contact would be enough to keep Lupin still enough to sink deeper into sleep;  
Severus didn't want to think about what would happen if it wasn't, particularly  
after Lupin's remark about having something to cuddle.  
  
When the mattress sank down under Severus' weight, Remus rolled in that  
direction, his body curling toward Severus by instinct.  His fingers curled  
around Severus' hand, holding it with a firm grasp.  Then he settled again,  
seeming to fall into a deeper sleep.  
  
Severus tried to tug his hand free, but Lupin held it tightly enough that he  
couldn't without yanking so hard he risked waking Lupin up. For a moment,  
Severus considered doing just that, but he felt enough twinge of conscience not  
to, especially since he knew first-hand what a difficult experience Lupin had  
had in dealing with the nightmare. With a resigned sigh, he leaned back against  
the headboard, accepting the fact that he was going to be there until Lupin  
either let go or woke up.  
  
Damn it.  
  


* * *

  
Remus woke slowly, his body warm and relaxed.  He had slept amazingly well after the nightmare thanks to Severus' potion and his gentle care-taking.  He smiled, not opening his eyes, slowly becoming aware that the pillow he thought he was cuddled up against was actually warm. And firm. And breathing.  
  
Cracking one eye to a barest slit, he was both surprised and overjoyed to catch a glimpse of pale skin and disheveled black hair.  Severus was in his arms; he must have stayed after Remus had fallen asleep and somehow ended up falling asleep as well.  Whether it was deliberate or not he didn't yet know, but he was warm and content enough not to want to find out, not just yet.  It would be better to let Severus wake up on his own and think that Remus didn't know he had even been there.  If by some miracle Severus wanted to stay or to wake Remus up for any reason, that was fine, but after the discord of the previous day, Remus thought letting Severus take the lead and enjoy the illusion of control would be for the best.  
  
His eye closed again, and he feigned sleep while enjoying the closeness and comfort of holding Severus and wishing desperately for the day when he might be allowed to do it without resorting to pretense.  
  
Severus awoke with a start, momentarily disoriented when he opened his eyes and didn't recognize his surroundings. Memory came flooding back swiftly, and he remembered he was in Lupin's room at Grimmauld Place. In Lupin's bed. Wasn't he meant to be on a cot? He frowned, and the frown deepened when he remembered Lupin's nightmare and how Lupin had clung to him in sleep.  
  
He must have dozed off while sitting there, waiting for Lupin to loosen his grasp, and somehow, he had shifted his position in the night; he was lying on his side with a weight across him, a weight he realized must be Lupin's arm, just as the solid warmth pressed against his back must be Lupin's body. In his dreams, Severus had rested in his lover's arms countless times, taking refuge and comfort in the embrace. In the waking world, Severus had never shared a bed with anyone, much less slept in their arms. This was a first for him, and he released a shuddery sigh at the thought that the waking reality far outstripped anything he had ever felt in his dreams, vivid though they were.  
  
Annoyed with himself for giving in to such foolish sentiment, he wriggled free and rolled out of bed, too eager to escape to care if he woke up Lupin or not; he smoothed his palms down the front of his nightshirt, much good that it did in getting out the wrinkles, but at least he could give the appearance of being together even if he didn't feel that way. The confusion of the night before had returned in spades, and he was growing less certain he could hold out against Lupin if they didn't find a way to wake up Potter very soon.  
  
Remus wasn't terribly surprised when Severus pulled away, although he mourned the loss of closeness.  Given Severus' abrupt departure, he felt it not unreasonable to have been "woken" by the movement, and so he opened his eyes slowly, stifling a yawn with one hand.  He glanced around, his gaze finally coming to rest on Severus, and he offered a sleepy smile.  "Oh... good morning, Severus.  I have to thank you again for the potion.  I sleep extremely well.  Possibly the best I've slept in many years."  
  
Severus waved away the thanks and began quietly gathering up what he needed for his morning ablutions, including a bath; he felt uncomfortable in Lupin's presence after waking in his arms, and he wanted to get dressed and don his literal armor along with the figurative armor.  
  
Sitting up, Remus threw back the covers, slipping his legs over the side of the bed and standing up slowly.  Lifting his arms above his head, he stretched, giving a gusty sigh of relief as his muscles popped.  He didn't lose his smile as he crossed to Severus, laying a hand lightly but briefly on his arm.  "I owe you for this, for helping me.  Thank you."  His expression turned bleak for a moment.  "I've still got to face up to Greyback's return, but you gave me one night of peace, and for the first time in years, I think I just might be able to deal with it."  
  
"You don't owe me anything, Lupin," Severus replied sharply. "If you must think of it in terms of debt, then consider us even. As for dealing with Greyback, I imagine your Gryffindor friends will be happy to help you face him and bring him down once and for all."  
  
The tone of Severus' voice made Remus step back, but he smiled sadly, understanding that Severus might feel a bit defensive after having spent the night in Remus' arms.  "I'd not allow it, you know.  It's too dangerous for them.  He's already done his worst to me, and I'm going to find a way to keep him from doing it to anyone else, no matter what it costs."  
  
Severus clutched the bundle of clothes to his chest, scowling, an unexpected surge of anger rising within him at the thought of such idiocy. Didn't Lupin realize how foolish it was to face Greyback alone when he didn't need to?  "Fine - go by yourself and risk your neck. It's no less than I would expect from a pig-headed Gryffindor with delusion of honor. Never mind that having back up will make certain he is captured or killed and will never be able to hurt anyone else. Oh, no, we must do the noble thing and not risk anyone else because we are Gryffindors and fool-hardy charges on white steeds is what we do."  
  
Remus frowned slightly, not in anger but in puzzlement.  "I'm not going to go charging in without a plan, you know.  I've survived this long, and I'd like to survive a bit longer."  He gave a lopsided smile.  "Perhaps if for no other reason than to tell you that I told you so.  But I'm not being noble, I'm being practical.  It takes one to know one, as the saying goes.  And no matter what, I'll make sure that he goes down.  I'm just not going to risk anyone I care about doing it."  
  
"But you'll risk yourself alone in spite of those who care about you!" The words were out before Severus could censor them, and he scowled again, angry with himself for revealing so much that he would prefer to keep to himself. He didn't want Lupin to realize that he was afraid Lupin might die; he didn't want Lupin to realize he was terrified of being left behind. Alone.  
  
Remus dared to hope that Severus counted himself among that number, but he knew better than to press.  "I'll be as careful as I can," he said softly.  "I'll make sure that Hermione knows, so that she can tell the Ministry.  And it's possible that the Aurors will find him before I do, of course, but..."   
  
His voice drifted off, his eyes taking on a far away look.  "Have you ever had a feeling of destiny, Severus?  Like there was something that you knew you had to do?  That your life had been building toward?"  He sighed, shaking his head.  "No, that's a stupid question.  I know you must have, given what happened.  I often wonder why I survived the war when I went into it certain that I would die.  I think, though, I must have had some things still to do, perhaps to make up for the things I hadn't done in the past.  One thing was to make certain that you were safe; the other, I think, might be to kill Fenrir Greyback."  
  
Severus turned his gaze to the floor, still afraid of Lupin going off to face Greyback alone, but he could hardly argue with the reasons why. He of all people knew what it was like to feel compelled to fulfill a duty, but the thought of what might happen made his blood run cold. He swallowed hard, holding on tightly to the bundle of clothes like it was a lifeline, and when he spoke, his voice was low and tight.  
  
"You said you didn't want to leave me. You promised you wouldn't leave me alone, that you would be there for me. It isn't right - it isn't fair - that you force yourself on me, force me to regain a will to live, force me to care and then run off to get yourself killed."  
  
Remus' heart leaped, and he stepped forward, closing the distance between them.  "Oh, Severus..." he murmured, lifting a hand to caress Severus' cheek, pausing just a hairsbreadth from Severus' skin as though he were frightened to touch.  "I don't want to die, and I don't intend to.  I have a reason to want to live, and I don't want to leave you alone.  I made you a promise, and I want to keep it.  But I have to try, don't you see?  I don't want you to live in fear, and I can't live that way, either.  Greyback has to die; I think that it's the only way I will ever feel completely free."  
  
"I understand all that." Severus waved irritably. "Of course I do! I felt the same way about the Dark Lord. I am not condemning what you feel you must do, only the methods you intend to use. I see no reason why you should not have reinforcements. If they willingly choose to accompany you, who are you to refuse their aid?"  
  
"Hermione and Ron are needed here to help Harry," Remus said quietly.  "And so are you. There isn't anyone else capable, no one who understand werewolves enough.  That's why Greyback has been able to elude capture all these years, I think."  He sighed, letting his hand touch Severus' cheek at last, a brief, fleeting caress.  "I know you understand better than anyone else.  I think, in some ways, we understand each other in ways that no one else ever could.  It might be presumptuous of me, but... I think we're alike, you and I.  Deep down inside, where it matters, we know things that no one else can really comprehend.  We know how Darkness feels, and despair, and bitter, aching loneliness.  We both know how it feels to fail, to watch things we've tried to save fall to pieces in our hands.  And we both know what it's like to feel like we can't go on, that there is nothing left in the world worth fighting for."   
  
Remus' eyes were dark with pain, but he didn't feel hopeless, not now.  Severus cared, and that was a miracle worth fight for.  "You see, Severus?  You think there is nothing worthwhile about you beyond your virginity, but you are wrong.  You are stronger than you know and better, too.  What difficulty is it for a good person to be good?  It's so much harder for those of us who have truly felt the call of the Dark and have stepped back from it.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, because you have done what so many people did not. You turned away from that path, and that, more than anything else, makes you one of the best and strongest people I have ever known."  
  
Severus listened quietly, still hugging his clothes as if pressing the bundle against his chest could somehow quell the rising ache in his heart. He would consider what Lupin had to say about him later; for now, he focused on the matter at hand. "I have done what I was meant to do for Potter, and it cost me my sanity. What I do now is not my duty. I have done enough. Granger is clever enough to figure out the rest. My assistance may be useful, but it is no longer required. You have a choice: take me with you or leave me alone until you return from your show-down with Greyback. I have already sacrificed my mind. I will not lose anything else. I cannot, or I will be nothing more than an empty husk. You made promises to me, and I believed you. I trusted you. If you don't release me now and you die..." He trailed off and shook his head. "Then again, it may already be too late."  
  
The words rocked Remus, and his eyes widened as he stared at Severus.  Surely Severus couldn't mean what Remus hoped he meant.  If he did, that changed things, but it didn't change what Remus had to do.  "Oh, Severus," he murmured.  "All right, you can come with me. I did make you a promise, and it's one that I desperately want to keep.  You matter to me more than anyone. If it weren't for the fact that I would hate myself for the rest of my life, I'd walk away from Greyback and all of this for you.  But I can't. I've run too much in my life from the things I should have done, and I just can't do it again."  
  
"I have no intention of trying to talk you out of it," Severus replied. Oddly enough, he felt less tense rather than more at the thought of going off to face Greyback; it was better than the alternative - remaining cooped up in the house and waiting anxiously for news, good or bad. "I understand, and I will not try to stop you. I only want to serve as your reinforcement, nothing more. If I cannot be of help, then I will get out of the way, but I want to be there."  
  
Remus was touched, and he was also frightened that he was reading more into Severus' reaction than was really there.  He so desperately wanted Severus to care, to feel the way that Remus himself felt that he was afraid he was projecting his own feelings onto Severus.  It was a risk, but it was one he was going to have to take.  
  
Raising his hand again, Remus cupped Severus' jaw, his eyes soft and warm.  He caressed his thumb over the sharp angle of Severus' cheekbone, enjoying the faint rasp of stubble beneath the pad.  "I'm glad you want to be there," he said, his voice deep and husky.  "For better or worse, I want you near me, always."  
  
A flush rose in Severus' cheeks, and he lowered his gaze, feeling a little shy now that the heat of emotion had passed and he had a chance to think about what he had revealed. But it was done, and he had got what he wanted. Drawing in a deep breath, he decided if he was in for a knut, he might as well be in for a galleon, and he leaned against Remus' palm slightly, warmed and oddly comforted by what he saw in Remus' eyes.  
  
Severus was accepting the caress, and Remus thought that perhaps it was time to take even more of a risk.  He desperately wanted to kiss Severus, to feel the connection between them, to let them both be comforted by the contact.  Sliding his hand behind Severus' neck, Remus rose up on tiptoe as he urged Severus down, their lips meeting in a kiss that was as much about promise and healing as passion.  
  
Warmth exploded in the pit of Severus' stomach as Remus' lips touched his, and he didn't fight the kiss, letting Remus draw him closer; he let the bundle of clothes drop, lifted his hands, and rested them lightly at Remus' waist, letting the healing encompass and comfort him as well. For the first time, he didn't feel apprehensive, relaxing enough to enjoy the light, nonthreatening embrace.  
  
Part of Remus wanted to deepen the kiss, but the way Severus was responding with sweet acceptance held him back.  There would be time - he hoped! - later, for passion and heat and damp, sliding skin.  This was different, special, a first kiss of sorts in that at last he felt that they were meeting as equals, both sharing emotion rather than only physical desire.  
  
Drawing back, Remus gave a soft sigh, his lips curving upward.  "It seems we are in accord, then. I promise to let you know when it's time, and I won't go without you.  Whatever is to come, for good or ill, we'll face it together."  
  
Severus nodded, satisfied that Remus would keep his word. "Yes, we are in accord," he said, his voice quiet and a little husky, and he made no move to step away quite yet.  
  
Remus' hand was still on Severus' neck, and he caressed lightly with his fingers, also unwilling to break the contact.  "We take care of each other.  You were wonderful last night, you know.  It meant a lot to me to know that someone understood.  That you understood.  Whatever you want or need from me, I will happily give it.  All that I am and what little I have, it is yours."  
  
Severus tightened his grip on Remus' waist and bowed his head, unable to meet Remus' gaze when he spoke this time, his voice barely audible. "Just live."  
  
"I will if you will," Remus replied, and he pressed his lips to Severus' forehead.  "Together."  
  
Drawing in a deep breath, Severus released it slowly, feeling as if he were hovering on the brink of a precipice, about to take a plunge that was even more frightening than the thought of facing the Dark Lord, but it was time, and he was finally ready. "Yes," he said softly. "Together."  
  
Remus wanted to melt at those two simple words; either that or shout his joy to the rooftops.  The thoughts of Greyback and vengeance and duty were driven out completely for the moment, as he looked deep into Severus' eyes, feeling as though Severus had just handed him the entire world in the palm of his hand. Which he had, in a sense, and Remus understood what it must have cost Severus to make that simple admission.  The one that meant Remus actually had touched his heart.  
  
"Good," he said, and he pressed his lips to Severus' again, a slow, gentle kiss full of love and tenderness.  It was too soon to push for more, and he suspected after that admission, Severus needed some time to think rather than being pushed into more, no matter how much the wolf inside Remus wished to haul Severus over to the bed and make love to him until he screamed in pleasure.  Knowing that he mattered to Severus on such a level meant there was no rush, and Remus would rather take it slowly, savoring their discovery of each other for the precious thing that it was.  
  
He didn't release Severus, but he settled back down on his feet and gave Severus a bit of space.  "Thank you again, Severus.  This means a great deal to me, and I promise I won't let you down."  He grinned. "But for now, I suspect we both need a shower and something to eat, right?  Go on, you can go first, and I'll wait.  How does that sound?"  
  
"Fine," Severus replied, stooping to retrieve his clothes. "That sounds fine."  
  
He paused, watching Remus for a moment, his eyes hooded; he had taken a huge step, and he needed the time and space to catch his breath, figuratively speaking, and make certain he hadn't done something colossally stupid. But he felt an unfamiliar sense of peace, unlike anything he had felt in years, and he knew he would not retreat again. He had take this step, and he would continue forging ahead, no matter how frightening it was to think he had voiced his feelings as best he could and made a commitment to Remus Lupin. Perhaps it was madness, but it was his madness, and he would embrace it.  
  
"I will see you in the kitchen," he added at last, offering an indirect invitation.  
  
"In the kitchen," Remus acknowledged, then stepped back with reluctance.  He would have joked about Severus leaving him some hot water, except that he knew he would want to make his shower a cold one.  



	17. Chapter 17

"Where do you think we should start?"  
  
Hermione looked at Remus expectantly, and he regarded the towering stacks of books around them, feeling a little overwhelmed.  Bill Weasley had sent a few of his own personal tomes at Remus' behest, and Luna, bless her, had given Remus some odd books of her father's, as well as paid leave time to work on finding a way to bring Harry back.  Of course, she still thought Harry was possessed by insane, soul-sucking Snargles, but Remus wasn't going to argue the point.  
  
"Let's start with counter-nightmare magic," he said, pointing to one of Bill's books.  "When Severus comes down, maybe he can tell us exactly how Dreamless Sleep potion works.  If we can't find a way to break the curse, we might have to see about doing something else."  
  
Hermione looked solemn at that, but she nodded and set about reading the book he had suggested, while Remus picked up another book, this one on countering Dark magic in general.  Since there was no actual counter-curse to the magic affecting Harry, they would have to design one from scratch, which was not a easy thing to do. Some spells might be simple to invoke but wildly complex to remove, and considering that Harry's life and sanity could hang in the balance, they would have to proceed very carefully indeed.  
  
Severus entered the library, taking in the piles of books with something like grim determination. The sooner they found a way to wake up Potter, the sooner the world would be free of the manifestations Potter was plaguing them all with. The drawback, however, was that once Potter was awake, Remus would be ready to track down Greyback. It was a rock and a hard place situation as far as Severus was concerned, but he was determined to proceed as planned and hope for the best. Despite the fact that things rarely ever worked out for the best as far as he was concerned.  
  
"I don't suppose I have missed any brilliant insights or break-throughs," he said as he approached their table and picked up the top book on the nearest pile.  
  
"Unfortunately, no," Remus said, and Hermione looked up and shook her head regretfully.  "I did have a thought, though. What about using Dreamless Sleep on him to try to counteract the manifestations for now?  Or do you think that would be too risky?"  
  
Settling into a nearby chair, Severus crossed his legs at the knee and rested the book on his lap, rubbing his chin as he considered the idea. "The curse is, at its base, magically induced slumber, which means in theory, it could be affected by the Dreamless Sleep potion. I don't suppose the idiots at St. Mungo's have thought to try it?" He paused and shook his head. "No, I don't suppose they would have if they are still unaware of the connection between Potter and the manifestations." He gave an elegant shrug. "I can have a batch of Dreamless Sleep ready by tonight if we wish to use it as a stop-gap."  
  
Remus watched the movement of Severus' shoulders and had to pull himself out of thoughts of wanting to place his hands there and knead the flesh beneath Severus' clothes.  He was still feeling a bit of the unrelieved tension from their encounter in the bedroom, the wolf remembering all too well how Severus had smelled and tasted and felt.  He told himself firmly that he had to focus on the matter at hand, no matter how much he wanted to crawl over to Severus' chair and lay his head in Severus' lap.   
  
"I think it's worth a try," Hermione said, apparently unaware of Remus' sudden inattention.  "We have to try something, and that seems like it might be safe enough.  I can take it to him and stay all night to watch."  
  
"Sounds like a plan."  Remus moved up to his knees, scooting over to where Severus sat and offering up the book he had been reading.  He didn't really need to be that close to Severus, but he wanted to be there.  "If the Dreamless Sleep works, I suppose the next step is to see if we can break part that is keeping him asleep."  
  
Severus accepted the book from Remus, his mind already turning over the possibilities. "Yes..." he murmured, still rubbing his chin absently. "I am concerned that waking him too abruptly will damage him, not necessarily physically - although there is a chance of that too - but mentally. Ideally, I would like to construct a means of waking him gradually in a way that will not cause him mental or physical shock. I think focusing our attention on dream magic might give us a place to start."  
  
Remus focused on Severus' stroking hand, wishing he could rub his cheek against Severus'.  He ground his teeth in frustration; the wolf was definitely too close to the surface for comfort, and he probably needed a long, cold shower.  They had come a long way, and Severus was more comfortable with him, but Remus didn't want to risk giving the progress they'd made a set-back over an uncontrolled libido.   
  
"That's a good idea," he said, nodding thoughtfully.  "Of course, one of the difficulties is getting close enough to him to try much of anything."  He shook his head.  "Hermione, you're the only hope we have at the moment.  The one time I visited Harry, they had me practically under guard as if they thought I would hurt him, which I suppose just goes to show that werewolves aren't regarded with any more tolerance now than they were before the war.  And Severus... well, you know they aren't going to let him in, no matter what.  So whatever we come up with, it might be up to you to carry it out, unless you can figure a way to get us in to him without arousing suspicion."  
  
"I'll work on it," Hermione replied, grimacing slightly.  "I know they mean well, and Harry is important, but they are taking it too far keeping you out, Remus.  I know you only want to help him, Professor Snape, but trying to get you inside is going to be even more difficult without a disguise. Polyjuice Potion takes far too long to brew, and we don't have that kind of time."  
  
"I have no real desire to administer the cure, whatever it may be," Severus said dryly. He glanced down, finding the sight of Remus' thick, silver-shot hair an unexpected temptation, and he hesitated before reaching out, second-guessing himself every step of the way, and resting his hand lightly on Remus' head. His hair, Severus found, felt as soft as it looked. "Doubtless if my face is the first Potter sees upon awakening, he will fall straight back into a coma."  
  
Remus went completely still, almost not daring to breathe when he felt Severus' hand caress over his hair.  His eyes widened in stunned surprise, and he noticed Hermione look quickly back down at her book, pretending not to notice the gesture.  After a moment of hesitation, he leaned into the touch, letting himself revel in the fact that Severus had reached out to him, had initiated contact when they weren't under stress or duress.  And in front of someone else, which was even more remarkable.  
  
"Well, the first step is to find the cure," he said, shifting subtly closer so that his back pressed against Severus' leg.  "Who administers it is a bridge we can cross when we come to it."  
  
When no one drew undue attention to what he was doing, Severus relaxed somewhat and allowed himself the luxury of stroking Remus' hair, not blatantly, but enough to let him enjoy the sensation of it. It seemed that now his skin had been given attention after decades of touch-famine, it wanted more - more contact, more sensation, more everything.  
  
"Isn't there..." Hermione broke off, a furrow of concentration on her brow as she began flipping through one book after another in quick succession. "I thought I saw something somewhere about entering someone else's dreams. Didn't I?" She looked flustered, and Severus recognized the look as signaling her delve into research mode, where she was aware of little outside of her books.  
  
"Magic associated with dreams is almost as woolly as Divination," Severus said, not meaning to be discouraging, merely realistic. "We will have to tread carefully. You obviously have an idea. What is it?"  
  
"You said it yourself." Hermione glanced up, an edge of impatience in her voice as if she were annoyed by the interruption. "Harry needs to be awakened gradually. What if we can find a way to infiltrate his dreams and bring him back?"  
  
Remus' eyes widened again, but this time in excitement.  "That's brilliant!" he exclaimed.  "If someone could reach him, they might be able to reassure him that we're trying to help, too, and maybe that would relieve the manifestations in the meantime.  It would have to be someone he trusted, though. Someone who could convince him they aren't just another dream."  
  
"It would need to be me or Ron, then," Hermione said matter-of-factly. "He trusts you, Remus, but if the Healers won't let you near him, you aren't a good candidate."  
  
"You needn't point out he does not trust me," Severus interjected, although there was no bitterness in his voice for once. "I am aware that Potter would not appreciate having me wander around his personal dreamscape."  
  
"I've no doubt you have no interest in being there, either," Remus said, turning to look at Severus with a playfully teasing expression.  He felt happier and more hopeful than he had in a long time.  There seemed to be hope for Harry, and Severus was reaching out to him, seeming to have stopped denying his feelings.  He reached out, capturing Severus' hand and pulling it to his lips for a swift kiss.  "I have a good feeling about this.  We'll get Harry back, and then life can go on, wherever it happens to go."  
  
He glanced over at Hermione.  "And I suspect you might be able to better lead Harry out than Ron.  I know Ron would do his very best, but I think you're better at dealing with the unexpected, Hermione.  Your resourcefulness and intelligence definitely helped in the war."  
  
Hermione blushed and beamed, obviously pleased by the compliment. "I'll do my best!" She sorted through the books on the table in front of her, dividing them up and setting the ones that had nothing to do with dreams and dream magic aside. "Right. We should look through these and the ones Bill sent. It wouldn't hurt to expand our research to other, non-British branches of magic."  
  
"Agreed," Severus said. "Given we are building a counter-curse from scratch, I am in favor of using all available resources."  
  
Remus nodded his agreement as well, and they set to finding out everything they could to enact their plan.  After such a long period of fruitless searching, the hope of finally discovering a way to help Harry and put an end to the trials and tribulations seemed to give them all a renewed sense of purpose.  
  


* * *

  
The stone of the cellar floor was cold on his bare bum, but Remus barely felt  
it, so distracted was he by thoughts of Severus, the cure for Harry, and the  
plans for dealing with Greyback.  He'd been so busy the last few days that  
he hadn't had time to think about the approach of the moon, but with Severus  
brewing the potion for him, Remus didn't have to worry about posing a danger to  
anyone in the house.  
  
Still, he wasn't going to trouble Severus or anyone else by being upstairs; the  
basement was good enough for the wolf, and once he sprouted fur, he wouldn't  
feel the cold.  He had already shed his clothes and left them folded neatly  
on a shelf, ready for tomorrow, and he leaned back against the wall and drew his  
knees up so he could wrap his arms around them for warmth.  
  
Outside, the moon began to rise, the wolf within heeding its call even if the  
silver light couldn't reach the dark cellar.  Remus moaned as his body  
twisted and reshaped itself, but he focused on thoughts of Severus, distracting  
himself from the physical agony by recalling Severus returning his kiss, sweet  
and warm and willing in his arms.  Someday, hopefully soon, they would do  
more than kiss, and that thought helped him to get through the transformation  
more easily than he could remember doing before.  
  
Standing up on four legs, Remus shook out his fur and turned in a circle before  
settling down on the floor once more.  He gave a lupine sigh, resting his  
head on his paws and settling in to wait out the long night.  
  
Severus stood outside the cellar door, one hand splayed on the smooth wood as he  
listened to the agonizing sounds of the transformation fade, replaced by  
silence. He had watched the moon rise, knowing the transformation was nigh, and  
he had arrived in time to hear the end of it, squeezing his eyes shut and trying  
to think of anything that would block out  
the dreadful images that rose up in his mind to accompany the sounds of a human  
body being contorted out of its natural shape, muffled yet still horrifying.  
  
When all was quiet, he opened his eyes, his breath growing shallow and his  
heartbeat quickening. The wolf waited on the other side of this door, and while  
he knew Remus was safe, still in full possession of his human mind, there was a  
tiny part of him that wanted to flee screaming, still terrified by the brief  
glimpse of the wolf he'd got decades ago in the Shrieking Shack.  
  
It was that particular ghost he wanted to lay to rest tonight, and he  
straightened his spine as he grasped the doorknob, determined to face - and  
conquer - his fears. Opening the door, he drew his wand. "Lumos!" he exclaimed,  
holding it up to light his path as he made his way down the stairs. He could see  
a pair of yellow eyes gleaming in the darkness, and he halted, but only for a  
moment, and then he forced himself to keep moving until he reached the bottom of  
the stairs. There he stopped and regarded the large wolf lying a short distance  
away, a slight tremor in his fingers as the world tilted, memories overwhelming  
and disorienting him. He didn't know how long he stood there motionless until  
the spell passed, leaving him lucid once more, but since the wolf hadn't moved,  
he assumed it had been only a matter of seconds.  
  
"Given I've been standing here for several moments and you haven't lunged for my  
throat yet, I assume that's you in there, Lupin," he said, forcing a note of  
haughty insouciance in his voice.  
  
Remus was surprised to hear the cellar door open, and he lifted his head,  
watching in disbelief as Severus made his way down the stairs.  He kept  
still, not wanting to startle Severus by jumping to his feet to greet him. 

He wasn't certain why Severus had decided to come down here, but he was glad to  
see him and didn't want to risk having him flee in horror. Severus' voice  
revealed that he was nervous but not terrified, and Remus huffed and rose to his  
feet, moving slowly and deliberately.  He wagged his tail and bobbed his  
head as best as he could to answer Severus' question.  
  
Relieved by the confirmation, Severus regarded Remus steadily; it was difficult  
to discern details in the dim light of the cellar, but he could see more clearly  
than he had that night in the Shrieking Shack. Then, all he had seen was a  
gaping mouth filled with sharp teeth and flinging spittle everywhere as the wolf  
snapped at him. He didn't remember much else about the wolf, but that was  
enough. Now he could see that Remus really did look like a large wolf, only  
there was human intelligence in those yellow eyes. Hesitantly, he lifted his  
free hand and held it out, palm up.  
  
Slowly Remus crept forward, curious to see what Severus would do.  He  
sniffed lightly at Severus' fingers, and then he pressed his head under Severus'  
hand.  Severus smelled wonderful to his lupine senses, and Remus had to  
hold himself back from pushing against Severus and wallowing on him, covering  
himself in Severus' scent.  
  
Severus turned his hand over and stroked his fingers lightly over Remus' fur; it  
felt coarse, but not unpleasantly so, and Remus' black nose was wet when it  
brushed against his skin. He smoothed his hand along Remus' skull and let his  
fingers come to rest behind Remus' left ear, scratching firmly.  
  
Oh, bliss.  
  
Remus couldn't remember the last time someone had touched him in wolf form, much  
less scratched him.  He'd forgotten how incredibly good it felt, nails and  
fingers digging in to his ruff and reaching his skin.  His eyes rolled back  
in his head and one back leg began to twitch uncontrollably.  He couldn't  
help it; he was in raptures over the fact that Severus, his Severus, was  
comfortable enough with his lupine form to scratch him.  
  
At the sight of Remus' twitching hind leg, Severus let out a derisive snort and  
withdrew his hand. "Right. Stop moping about down here like an idiot and come up  
to the bedroom where you belong." He pivoted on his heel and began marching back  
up the stairs, although he paused and shot Remus a dire warning glare. "With the  
understanding that you will be held fully responsible for cleaning up any fur  
shed in the room."  
  
Remus whimpered a bit when Severus stopped scratching him, but then he blinked  
in shock when Severus made the invitation for Remus to come back upstairs.   
Not that Remus was going to argue that he ought to remain in the basement, even  
if he could.  If Severus wanted him  
upstairs, he was more than happy to go, and he'd deal with the shedding  
tomorrow.  
  
Following Severus up the stairs, Remus entered the bedroom behind him, and then  
he stood by the door, hesitant once again.  He wouldn't mind curling up on  
his bed, but he wasn't certain if Severus would like that.  The floor was  
good enough, anyway, and perhaps if Severus didn't mind, he could sleep by  
Severus' bed.  
  
Once Remus was inside, Severus closed the door and turned back the covers with a  
flick of his wand before tucking it away, regarding Remus uncertainly. He wasn't  
sure why Remus was hanging back unless Remus was perhaps waiting for him to  
indicate what would be acceptable; sharing quarters with a werewolf was rather  
different from their usual circumstances, he supposed.  
  
"Take the bed," he said gruffly. "If you're going to sleep on the floor, you  
might as well have stayed in the cellar."  
  
Remus wagged his tail and gave a pleased "wuff", and then he padded over to his  
bed.  Bunching his legs, he hopped up and spun in a circle once before  
settling down.  He faced Severus, his tail thumping against the mattress  
with muffled thuds, pleased beyond all measure that Severus wanted him here. A  
thought occurred to him, and he decided to take a chance.  He hopped down  
from the bed again, crossing to Severus slowly to show he didn't mean any  
harm.  Then he moved behind Severus, bumping Severus' bum with his head and  
nudging him in the direction of the bed.  
  
Startled to find himself being herded, Severus took a couple of stumbling steps,  
casting a look of pure surprise down at Remus, but even when the shock had worn  
off, something else had already kicked in, prompting him to obey. He paused for  
a moment, debating the wisdom of returning to the bed where  
things had happened, possibly with a  
werewolf should Remus decide to share rather than take the cot, but he found  
himself letting Remus urge him on until he reached the edge of the bed.  
  
"Well, now what?" he demanded, masking his uncertainty with an impatient scowl.  
  
Remus was pleased that Severus was moving toward the bed, but not as pleased  
when Severus stopped.  Giving a soft, deep growl, he lifted his paw and  
placed it on the bed, and then he looked at Severus, his expression as stern as  
he could make it with a wolf's features to work with.  
  
The growl sent a shiver racing down Severus' spine, partly born of the primal  
fear of any sharp-toothed predator, but mostly... mostly, it was a dark thrill,  
speaking to parts of him he hadn't been aware even existed. Without a second  
thought, he sat down on the edge of the bed and removed his shoes and socks, and  
then he tipped his chin up, looking at Remus with a hauteur that was nothing  
more than bravado as he waited to see what Remus would do next.  
  
Severus was complying, but he was still not doing what Remus wanted.  Yet  
Remus had sensed Severus' shiver, and he caught a scent from Severus that  
definitely wasn't fear.  It seemed Severus rather liked this, and so Remus  
growled again, turning his head to nudge Severus' hip.  If Severus had been  
in robes, he would have worried the hem, but as it was, he didn't dare to get  
his teeth too close to Severus' skin.  So he settled for using his paw  
again, placing it on Severus' thigh and pawing at his trousers.   
  
"Do you really expect me to strip down in front of you?" Severus eyed him,  
trying not to show the shiver that had gripped him - deeper this time, in  
response to the proximity of the growl - but suspecting he had failed. He  
paused, waiting the space of a few heartbeats, his breath quickening again,  
although not due to fear this time, and then he began unfastening his trousers,  
wriggling out of them and tossing them aside. "What are you, some kind of furry  
voyeur?" he grumbled, folding his arms across his chest. If Remus expected him  
to strip down further, he would have to make it clear.  
  
Remus did indeed watch as Severus stripped, cocking his head to one side and  
viewing the scene with interest.  Severus wasn't fighting him, but he  
wasn't being overly cooperative, and Remus fancied Severus was enjoying the  
game.  Severus' shirt tail was loose enough, and so he reached out, taking  
it carefully between his teeth and tugging.  He could, of course, shred it  
without a thought, but he didn't want to turn the edge of excitement into  
genuine fear. Holding Severus' gaze with his, he growled again, louder this  
time, and he pressed his chest against Severus' legs so Severus could feel as  
well as hear it.  
  
The vibration of the growl against his bare skin made Severus gasp, and his eyes  
flew open wide. The dark thrill thrummed within him, making him yearn for things  
he couldn't even identify, much less articulate; he only knew that he wasn't  
afraid. Oh, no. The tremble in his fingers as he unbuttoned his shirt had  
nothing to do with fear. A blush rose in his cheeks as he shrugged out of his  
shirt and tossed it onto the floor atop his discarded trousers, and he folded  
his arms across his chest again, half defensive, half hiding his scrawny torso  
even though Remus had seen it before.  
  
Deciding that the underpants could stay - after all, there wasn't much they  
could do while he was in this form - Remus put a gentle paw on Severus' chest,  
pushing him back so that he would get the message to lie down.  Then he  
crossed to the other side of the bed and hopped back up on the mattress, lying  
down and watching Severus with anticipation.  He didn't know if Severus  
would accept cuddles from a wolf, but he was hopeful.  
  
Heaving a silent sigh of relief that he would be allowed to keep his underpants,  
Severus wriggled under the covers swiftly and rolled onto his side, facing  
Remus; he wanted to keep an eye on Remus, and he also wanted to see if Remus  
intended to make anymore demands of him after successfully getting him mostly  
naked and in bed.  
  
Pleased, Remus moved closer to Severus, lying next to him and giving a sigh of  
contentment. He turned his head so that he could look at Severus, baring his  
teeth in a brief, wolfish grin, then giving a rumbling growl of pleasure as he  
settled down.  It was too difficult to try to articulate that he wanted  
Severus to stay with him all night, in the bed, but he hoped that Severus would  
get the message.  
  
And if not, Remus could always growl to get his attention.  
  
Nestling deeper into his pillow, Severus mustered a scowl. "I repeat:  
you are going to be solely responsible for  
cleaning up the fur, especially in this bed," he said testily, wondering anew  
how his life had gone so far down the rabbit hole that he had ended up in bed  
with a werewolf. He sighed quietly and closed his eyes, wondering if he would  
get any sleep; he hadn't taken a sleeping potion, only the Calming Concoction,  
but he felt tired, so perhaps it would suffice. He felt drowsy at any rate, and  
that was a decent start.  
  
Remus wasn't aware of having fallen asleep, much less so deeply, but he must  
have, for the next thing he was aware of was the wracking pain of transformation  
as he became human once again.  He bit his lip hard, holding in the moans  
of pain that wanted to escape his throat, and tried to keep himself as still as  
he could so as not to disturb Severus.  
  
Severus came awake with a start and jerked upright, staring around the room and  
trying to figure out what had awakened him; when his gaze fell on Remus, he  
knew, and he flung back the covers, one part of his mind marveling that  
apparently he had slept, getting one of the  
few full nights of sleep without the help of a potion that he could remember in  
almost two years, one that was also blissfully free of erotic dreams. The rest  
of him, however, was focused on Remus, who was writhing and biting his lip hard  
enough to draw blood in the throes of the transformation, and Severus held back  
until the sharp teeth of the werewolf receded and it was safe to reach out.  
  
Summoning his wand, he cast a sound-proofing charm on the room, and then he  
reached out to touch Remus lightly, feeling the muscles flexing and straining  
beneath the hot, sweaty skin. "You needn't be brave. No one can hear you," he  
murmured.  
  
Severus' hand was blessedly cool on his skin, and the gentle words were a balm  
to his soul.  He gasped, then groaned as the last, wrenching changes  
twisted his body, leaving him soaked and panting on the covers.  "Sorry..."  
he muttered, offering Severus a ghost of a smile.  "Didn't... mean... to  
wake... you up."  
  
"Oh, shut up." Severus shot him an annoyed glare. "This is nothing like waking  
me with snoring or a little tossing and turning."  
  
Although his tone was abrupt, he was already lifting his wand again, drying the  
sheets and Remus' skin with a charm, and he conjured a cool, wet cloth to bathe  
Remus' face with. He smoothed it across Remus' forehead and along his cheeks and  
throat, too intent on his task to feel self-conscious about kneeling half-naked  
beside Remus; it wasn't as if Remus was in any condition to do anything about  
it.  
  
But as he ran the cloth down to Remus' chest, his gaze strayed lower, and he  
abruptly realized that while he was not  
quite naked, Remus was entirely naked, and  
he flicked his gaze back up swiftly, a bright pink flush suffusing his face as  
he kept his gaze fixed on Remus' face.  
  
Remus moaned again, this time in pleasure as Severus first dried him and then  
bathed him with the cool cloth.  Then he sighed, a smile curving his lips  
as he opened his eyes and looked up into Severus' face.  "I can't tell you  
how much it means to have you here, for you to be taking care of me."  He  
reached up to stroke Severus' cheek gently with a finger.  "Thanks,  
love.  You've helped to make it better."  
  
"You were the one who herded me into bed," Severus replied acerbically as he  
conjured a basin of cold water and dunked the cloth in it. He massaged Remus'  
temples with it, and then he slid his free hand beneath Remus' neck to lift his  
head so he could trickle water over his hair to cool his scalp and help him feel  
a little cleaner. He combed his fingers gently through Remus' hair, smoothing it  
back from his face before lowering Remus' head back onto the pillow and  
retrieving the cloth. He dared to swipe at Remus' shoulders, but he wasn't about  
to go lower; instead, he groped blindly for the sheet and yanked it up to Remus'  
waist.  
  
The attention was heavenly, and Remus wallowed in it.  He was a little  
startled when Severus pulled up the sheet, but until that moment, he hadn't even  
thought about his own lack of clothing and how Severus might feel about him  
lying naked in the bed. "Oh... sorry," he said, but he didn't blush. Severus had  
no idea how adorable he was when he was being shy.  Reaching out, Remus  
captured Severus' hand, pulling to his lips so that he could kiss Severus'  
palm.  "Thank you, Severus.  I may have herded you into bed, and I'm  
certainly glad you stayed, but I hope you know that I'd never force you to do  
anything you didn't wish to do.  Not in that way, at least."  Forcing  
Severus to live against his will was quite a different matter in Remus' opinion.  
  
The press of Remus' lips against his palm made Severus shiver, but it wasn't  
with the same dark intensity of the night before; he remembered his instinctive  
reaction when Remus had lifted him and pushed him against the wall in his house  
at Spinner's End. That day seemed so long ago now, but the memory of it made him  
think perhaps he could feel that way when Remus wasn't in wolf form too,  
although he didn't know what it meant. He only knew there was something within  
him that liked it.  
  
"You are forceful," he said, ducking his head and averting his gaze. "But I am  
aware there are limits."  
  
"Good, I'm glad that you do," Remus replied.  He squeezed Severus'  
hand.  "You mean too much to me to risk making you frightened of me.   
But you didn't seem to mind the wolf.  I have to admit I was very  
surprised.  Pleased, too, of course."  
  
"I thought it was time to conquer that old memory," Severus replied, still  
keeping his attention fixed on their joined hands resting on the mattress. "I  
needed to see for myself that you were safe. I was aware of it intellectually,  
but I needed to know. Afterward..." He  
shrugged negligently. "It seemed foolish for you to remain in the cellar when  
sharing the bedroom was perfectly safe. I hadn't reckoned on sharing the bed,  
however."  
  
"I hope you didn't mind it."  Remus' smile became a little teasing.   
"You didn't seem to resist, so I thought that if you didn't mind a cuddle, why  
not? I'm only human, even in wolf form, and I like having you near me."  He  
gave a small yawn.  "Thank you for facing your fears.  That was the  
best night I've spent as a wolf in twenty years, and it's all thanks to  
you.  I can't express how much it means to me that you... accept it. 

Me.  And the wolf."  
  
Severus tugged his hand free of Remus' grasp and rose to his feet, dispelling  
the bowl and cloth he had conjured, and he went hunting for his clothes, trying  
\- and failing - not to feel self-conscious about hurrying around the room in his  
underpants. He'd had enough intimacy for the time being, however, and he needed  
to back away and try to regain his equilibrium after the night and all the odd  
changes it had wrought.  
  
"I faced my fears for myself, not for you," he said, bending to snatch up his  
discarded shirt and trousers. He held them up as if to cover himself. "As for  
acceptance..." He fell silent, his jaw working, and when he spoke again, his  
voice was low. "You have accepted my darkness. I could do no less."  
  
If Remus hadn't been uncertain of his ability to walk - and if Severus hadn't  
looked so much like he needed some space - Remus would have sprung from the bed  
and embraced Severus for his comment.  As it was, all he could do was  
smile.  "Thank you for that.  And no matter who you faced your fears  
for, I'm glad that you did it.  For both our sakes."  
  
Exhaustion was overwhelming him, and he sighed, slumping back against the  
pillows, more comfortable than he could ever remember being after a  
transformation.  "Love you," he murmured as his eyes drifted closed and  
sleep overtook him, swiftly and deeply.  
  


* * *

  
After days of being buried in stacks of books on dream magic from morning until night, Severus was cautiously optimistic. Spell-crafting wasn't his best skill; brewing potions was the branch of magic that was both his forte and his greatest interest. But he was better at crafting spells than most people, and while it often took a fair bit of work to figure out the linguistic key he needed to perform whatever feat he wanted to achieve, he managed it in the end. That was why he was optimistic.  
  
The cautiously part came into play because he had never attempted to craft a spell so powerful and complex before. But if the combined research efforts of both Remus, Granger, and himself had proved nothing else, it had shown there was no existing counter-curse or spell that would be effective on Actum Malsomnium. They had resigned themselves to creating their own, and he was the most experienced among them in crafting spells.  
  
Thus while Remus and Granger continued poring over texts and debating whether they could modify an existing spell to work, Severus had begun his own work in secrecy and silence, focusing on obscure branches of dream magic that dealt with invading another's dreams. It had taken quite a bit of work, and he wasn't at all certain it would even work since it was hardly the sort of spell he could test while he was formulating it, but he thought perhaps it might - and there was a way to test it.  
  
He continued fussing over his notes until late in the evening, and then he closed and stacked all the books he'd buried his nose in, making a show of yawning. "I believe I am ready to go to bed," he said with a pointed look at Remus.  
  
Granger glanced between them with a knowing sort of smile; she probably assumed they were already lovers, he thought with annoyance, but he said nothing to disabuse her of the notion.  
  
Remus looked up from his own notes in surprise, catching Severus' glance and wondering what it meant.  He also saw Hermione's smile, and he answered it with a rueful smile of his own.  While things between he and Severus were definitely better, there still seemed to be a gulf they couldn't cross, no matter what Remus did. Severus still seemed to have a layer of armor around him despite having indirectly admitted he felt something for Remus other than loathing and annoyance, and Remus couldn't seem to wear it down, no matter what he said or did.  It was going to take time and patience, it seemed, and so Remus kept trying, hoping that he would eventually find a way to bring them fully together.  
  
Added to that was the stress of the increasing manifestations.  They had slackened after Hermione began to talk to Harry, but the Dreamless Sleep potion had proved useless. Moreover, there had been a recent resurgence of a rather ominous sort.  Grims by the dozens had been spotted all over England, leading Remus to wonder if Harry might actually be able to bring Sirius back somehow. In addition, flights of Thestrals had been seen far away from their normal habitat in the Forbidden Forest; with all these harbingers of death on Harry's mind, Remus had no doubt that things were headed in a bad direction, and their time was running out.  
  
Nodding, Remus rose to his feet.  Whatever Severus wanted to discuss, he apparently wanted privacy to do it, and it was also a hopeful sign that Severus didn't seem to mind Hermione's obvious assumption.  "I'm tired, too.  Have a good night, Hermione. We can continue in the morning."  
  
"Good night," Hermione replied, and then she turned her attention back to her book.   
  
Inclining his head, Remus gestured toward the doorway.  "After you, Severus," he said.  
  
Rising to his feet with all the dignity of a lord of the manor, Severus swept out of the room without bestowing another glance on Granger; he wasn't entirely happy that she - a former student - was thinking about him and sex and Remus in conjunction with one another, but it wasn't as if she was wrong. Not really. And if the spell he had created worked as he intended, Remus would be getting a headfull of Severus and sex before the night was over if the pattern of Severus' dreams held true.  
  
Once they were upstairs, he stood aside until Remus entered the bedroom and shut the door behind them both. "I need you to test a spell," he said without preamble.  
  
"A spell?" Remus asked, the tiny, brief hope he had held that Severus might want to discuss them fading.  Then he gave himself a stern mental shake; this wasn't all about them, no matter what the wolf and his libido might want to believe.  "You've come up with something, then?  For Harry?"  
  
"Perhaps," Severus replied, inclining his head slightly. "I have been working on something I think might allow someone to enter Potter's dreams, find him, and lead him out into the waking world. However, I cannot test it by myself, and I did not care to mention it in front of the other inhabitants of this house lest they get their hopes up prematurely."  
  
Intrigued, Remus nodded at the wisdom of that.  "What do you suggest we do, then?  Did you want to try to enter my dreams?  I'm game for that, if you think it would help."   
  
"No." Severus shook his head and paused, grimacing. He didn't want to admit he was still having the erotic dreams about Remus on a nightly basis, but there was no avoiding it. "You need to enter mine. I have reason to believe they were magically induced by the ghost I encountered at the Tower of London, not on the same level as Potter's, but similar enough that it will help us discern whether the spell I have created is capable of functioning under those circumstances."  
  
"Yours?" Remus blinked in shock, both at Severus' admission that he was still having the dreams he had mentioned before and that Severus was willing for Remus to enter them.  This showed a level of trust that rocked Remus, and all he could do was nod, his expression somber.  
  
After a few moments, he recovered enough to speak.  "All right, if you're certain, really certain.  As much as I want Harry to come out of this for all our sakes, I'll admit to being a bit selfish.  I don't want to jeopardize what is here between us, Severus.  If you have any serious doubts about this, we can try something else.  I'm even willing to let you put me under some kind of spell to test it rather than risk the relationship between us."  
  
"We don't have the luxury of being missish, Lupin," Severus retorted, bracing his fists on his hips. "None of us do when Potter is unleashing the force of his dreams on the rest of the world. I would rather let you see one of my dreams than endure the Furies and Dementors hounding me or house-elves continuing to use my house as their headquarters. On the whole, it seems a small price to pay, especially since you already... we..." He trailed off and gestured vaguely at the bed, a hint of pink staining his cheeks.  
  
The flush actually reassured Remus, and he gave a small chuckle. "Point taken," he said.  "Okay, so what is the spell?  And when do I cast it ? After you are asleep?  When you begin to dream? Should we be in the same bed together or separate?"  He wasn't certain if this would work, but if it did, that would be fantastic.  Maybe, just maybe, they could bring Harry out of this and then get on with... well, whatever followed.  
  
"If we are going to recreate Potter's circumstances, you should wait until I am asleep," Severus said. He glanced sidelong at Remus through lowered lashes. "You need to keep your distance. It seems I do not have the dreams when you are in close proximity while I sleep."  
  
"All right."  Remus was intrigued by the fact that Severus didn't experience the dreams when they slept in the same bed.  Hopefully Severus would take that as a sign that they were meant to be together!   
  
With a smile, he picked up his pajama bottoms from the end of the bed and nodded his head toward the door.  "I'll just go change in the bathroom, and you can change in here, if you'd like.  Then you can teach me the spell, and we can settle in.  How does that sound?"  
  
"Yes, all right." Severus went to collect his nightshirt, apprehensive but still hopeful that his spell would work. He was eager to test it and find out, and he hoped sleep would come quickly; he didn't dare take a potion in case it affected the results, and he would have to rely on his own dubious ability to fall asleep and stay that way.  
  
Remus ducked out of the room, moving down the hall to the loo.  It took him only a few minutes to change and attend to the necessary ablutions, and then he returned to the bedroom, slipping inside and closing the door softly.  He smiled encouragingly at Severus.  "All right, I'm all set.  Eager, even, to see if we can make this work."  
  
While Remus was out of the room, Severus had changed quickly and turned back the covers, not hesitating to take the bed this time since he was the one having his dreams invaded; he ought to get the bed under those circumstances, and he didn't feel guilty about claiming it. He plumped the pillows and leaned back, pulling the covers up to his chest and leaning back while he waited for Remus to return.  
  
"It would be a relief if it did indeed work," Severus agreed. "Right. Pay attention. I don't want to spend half the night trying to get this through your thick Gryffindor skull," he added, but there was no heat in the words.  
  
Without further ado, he explained the spell and how he thought it would work, giving Remus an idea of what he might experience, and he went over the incantation, enunciating carefully.  
  
Remus sank down onto the edge of the bed and repeated the words of the spell after Severus, not minding when Severus corrected his pronunciation.  "All right, I think I have it," he said, rising to his feet.  He moved closer, leaning over Severus and pressing a kiss to his cheek.  "For luck.  Sweet dreams, Severus - and hopefully, I'll be joining you in them soon."  
  
"Just don't be surprised by whatever you see," Severus muttered.  
  
Thumping his pillow, he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, breathing out a slow sigh as he settled in and hoped for sleep. Remus dimmed the lights, and that helped; Severus felt himself relaxing. He had expected to find it difficult to turn off his thoughts, but perhaps the intensity of the research and work he'd done in creating the spell had taken its toll, and he gradually drifted off to sleep under Remus' watchful eye. With sleep, came the dreams...  
  
Severus' back was pressed against the wall, the wood paneling cool and smooth against his bare skin, and Remus' body was pressed against his front, warming him to the core; Remus' skin was hot and sweat-damp beneath his hands as he caressed Remus' back, letting his hands roam from shoulder to hip, mapping the expanse of bare skin by touch alone although he knew it well already. He knew where to touch to tickle or arouse, but he wasn't deliberately trying to do either right now, too distracted by Remus' hot, demanding mouth on his.   
  
Remus nipped at his lips and along his throat, sharp bites that set Severus' blood on fire and made him moan and cling to Remus \- and then Remus bit down hard, his sharp teeth worrying the skin until blood flowed, and Severus cried out and dug his nails into Remus' back, arching against him.   
  
"Please please please..." The words were desperate, little more than moans, but Severus didn't care; he was too lost in delirious ecstasy, giving himself over to the entwined pain and pleasure of the bite.  
  
After Severus had settled in, Remus moved to the cot, lying down and making himself comfortable.  He lay quietly, curled on his side so that he could watch Severus, waiting until the steady rise and fall of Severus' chest indicated that Severus was asleep.  When he was certain that Severus was deep enough to begin dreaming, Remus murmured the spell Severus had taught him and closed his own eyes.  
  
Almost at once, he was pulled into another place, a Victorian bedroom that looked like something straight out of a romance novel.  The dominating feature was a huge, canopied, four-poster bed, although the other two occupants of the room had disdained it in favor of the wall.  
  
Remus watched for a moment, finding it wildly arousing to see Severus pinned against the wood, moaning and panting as he raked his nails over the back of the man holding him.  He could recognize himself, of course, despite the mask that covered his dream-self's face.  The shape of the body and the scars were familiar to him, and he marveled anew over the fact that Severus had always dreamed about those marks, even before he had seen Remus' body in reality for the first time.  
  
His dream-self bit down on the soft skin of Severus' throat, and Remus drew in a hissing breath.  He knew his body was reacting, but it was distant, not as immediate as it would be in reality.  It reminded him that he was here on a mission: to pull Severus away and see if he could lead him back to wakefulness.  
  
It was hard to interrupt the tryst; Remus wanted more than anything to stay and watch, to see how it would look when his avatar took Severus and drove him over the edge.  And yet he wanted to experience it for himself, too, not as a part of some fantasy in Severus' mind.  As attractive as this was, it wasn't real, and Remus decided that when Severus came undone, he wanted it to be in his arms, not those of some dream lover.  
  
"Severus!" he called out, his voice firm.  "You're dreaming, and I'm here to take you out."  He held out a hand, smiling beguilingly, wondering how in the world his pajama-clad self could compete with Severus' naked, aroused dream of him, yet determined to try.  "Come on, love; it's better in reality, I promise you."  
  
Severus heard Remus' voice, and he opened his heavy-lidded eyes, surprised that Remus wanted to talk now, but Remus wasn't looking up at him; Remus was looking over his shoulder at... himself! Another Remus standing there with his hand outstretched, and Severus stared back and forth between them, bewildered. He had been too befuddled by lust to process whatever the other Remus had said, and he shook his head, his expression one of incomprehension.  
  
"Who are you?" he demanded, clinging tightly to his Remus' shoulders as if seeking protection, and he felt Remus' arms tighten around him in return. "What are you doing here?" He glared briefly at his Remus. "This wasn't your doing, was it?" But Remus appeared as puzzled as Severus was, and he shook his head in a silent denial.  
  
Remus couldn't help feeling an odd stab of jealousy as Severus clung to his dream lover; even knowing that it was himself didn't seem to stop the surge of the wolf's possessiveness.  "I'm Remus. The real Remus, not your dream lover.  I'm not the one who has made love to you in your mind. I'm the man who has held you in my arms in the daylight, unashamed and unafraid.  I'm the one who pulled you back from your darkness, helping you and standing by you.  I'm the man who loves you, Severus.  And you love me, too.  Leave the fantasy, and come back to the reality.  Anything he has given you here, I can give you out there in the real world.  I want to give it to you, but you have to come with me."  
  
_Severus glanced uncertainly at the other Remus, feeling torn. His body wanted nothing more than to ignore the intruder and go back to the delicious love-play he had been enjoying before the interruption, the bite on his throat stinging enough to remind him of unsatisfied pleasure. But there was something about the other Remus that was compelling too, something in the certainty in his voice and words that made Severus want to walk away from his masked lover - something he couldn't imagine ever wanting to do before.  
  
Here, it was safe; his lover would protect him. He didn't know what awaited him with the other Remus, and part of him found the danger to be a spice all its own. If the other Remus spoke truly and this was naught but a dream, Severus didn't want it. He had never been one to choose fantasy over reality, and he could not do so now.  
  
He leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to his masked lover's lips, gazing at him with regret. Perhaps it was safer here, but it was only an illusion of safety. He untangled himself from his lover's embrace with reluctance and drew away from him, moving toward the other Remus slowly and cautiously, heedless of his undressed state.  
  
_ Remus smiled, pleased as he watched Severus pull away from his dream-self and walk toward him.  He couldn't help looking at Severus' body, never having seen Severus so unselfconscious before, so comfortable in his own skin, illusory though it might be.  Holding out his hand again, Remus nodded.  "Thank you for trusting me, Severus.  It will be worth it, I promise you.  Better than anything you could possibly dream."  
  
When Severus took his hand, Remus felt himself pulled back, and with a gasp, he sat up on the cot, his heart pounding.  He turned immediately to look at the bed, throwing back the sheet that covered him and moving quickly to Severus' side.  "Severus!  Severus, are you all right?" he asked, his tone anxious.  He reached to pluck one of Severus' hands off the duvet, raising it to his lips and kissing it lightly as he waited to see if Severus, too, had come back.  
  
Severus stirred and frowned, peeking out at the world with bleary eyes and releasing a grumpy sigh. "I'm fine," he muttered sleepily, and then he yawned. For the first time, he couldn't clearly remember his dream; it was vivid up to a certain point, and then things got fuzzy, and now he was awake and not best pleased by the fact. But he roused himself nonetheless, finally remembering they had meant to test the spell, and he sat up, tugging his hand free of Remus' grasp so he could rub his eyes. "What happened? Did it work?"  
  
"Yes!" Remus chuckled, pleased that the spell had worked and also amused by Severus acting like a grumpy toddler woken from a nap.  "I was in your dream, and I asked you to come with me, and you did... and here we are!  You're brilliant, Severus. The spell worked perfectly!"  
  
That news dispelled a great deal of Severus' displeasure over being awakened from a rare sound sleep, and he nodded with obvious satisfaction. "Good. Was it difficult to find me? Did I resist your attempt to lead me out?"  
  
"Actually, I was put right into your dream, very close indeed," Remus said, his eyes dancing with humor.  "You weren't, um, hidden at all.  Your dream-self was a little startled at my presence, but I was able to talk you into coming with me.  You came quite willingly, which I'm very happy about."  
  
Severus raised one eyebrow, giving Remus a long, measuring look. "I don't think I want to know what my dream self was doing. I remember enough to know there was nudity involved." He frowned again, although in puzzlement this time. "Oddly enough, I don't remember your arrival in the dream. Usually I remember everything, but not this time. I wonder if it is due to the intrusion of a waking person in the dream or because your presence seems to have a disruptive effect to begin with."  
  
Remus contemplated that, and then he shrugged.  "I don't know, but it did work, and that's the important thing, right?  Hermione should be able to use it on Harry now. Then this will be over, and you won't have the Furies or house-elves or anything else to worry about anymore."  
  
"I won't, will I," Severus murmured, sitting with uncharacteristically slumped posture, his hands resting limply in his lap as he stared into thin air, trying to wrap his mind around the concept of being free from danger. Even though the war had ended months ago, he hadn't been safe or free for one reason or another. Now, however, it seemed he was on the verge of being free - really free - at last. "I'll be free to do what I want... and I've no idea what that is," he added with something almost like a dry chuckle.  
  
Severus' contemplative mood was interesting, and Remus cocked his head to one side, watching him intently.  "Yes, you'll be free to do anything you want, anywhere you want, with anyone you want," he said softly, and he gave a crooked smile.  "Is it too forward if I say I'm hoping there will be a small place for me in all that?"  
  
Straightening his back, Severus glanced sidelong at Remus, and after a long moment of deliberation, he gave a terse little nod. "I suppose there will be," he said at last.  
  
Only a matter of weeks, perhaps days ago, he might have shrieked a vehement denial, but while he didn't know what Remus' place would be exactly, he could no longer deny that Remus would have one.  
  
"As if you would let it be otherwise," he added with some of his old snap and snark. "Damned pushy wolf."  
  
Remus chuckled, and then his smile became wicked.  "But I'm your pushy wolf, Severus," he said, and he leaned closer and growled softly next to Severus' ear.  "And somehow I don't think you mind a little bit of pushing."  
  
A shiver rippled down Severus' spine at the sound of the growl so close that he could feel the warmth of Remus' breath against his cheek, and a flush rose in his face. He averted his gaze, the flush deepening as memories of the night of the full moon rose up in his mind, reminding him of the strange things he had felt, things he still didn't fully understand.  
  
"I must not, as much as I have put up with from you," he replied, mustering a glare for form's sake.  
  
"A good thing for us both, then."  Remus straightened, but he didn't move away.  "In fact, I rather feel like pushing for a cuddle right now.  Given that I had to disturb your sleep, I could soothe you back into it."  Slowly, he pulled back the covers, holding Severus' gaze as he sank down onto the mattress and slid his legs down beside Severus'.  Even though he was being a little bit presumptuous, he wasn't going to do anything Severus truly objected to.  Severus was a man who needed his space, and Remus didn't want to drive him away by not respecting Severus' boundaries.  
  
The wisest thing to do would be to push Remus away and demand he return to the cot or perhaps spring out of bed and huff his way to the cot himself. It was the wisest thing to do if Severus wanted to preserve his dignity and independence, but it wasn't what he wanted to do. Perhaps, he thought, he had finally learned that fighting for the sake of fighting wasn't necessary, and neither was keeping everyone at arm's length to protect himself.  
  
Thus he found himself not pushing Remus away but rather shifting closer, giving silent consent to Remus' pushiness.  
  
Remus almost sagged in relief as Severus moved toward him instead of away.  He plumped up the pillows, lounging back against them, and then he coaxed Severus into his arms.  "I don't have to stay all night unless you wish it.  But I do want to hold you, at least for a little while.  It's not easy, being jealous of yourself in a dream.  I'm glad you chose to come with me."  
  
Making the decision to give in to the cuddling was the difficult part; once he had made it, however, Severus didn't find it nearly as difficult to nestle against Remus' side, leaning his head on Remus' shoulder. He breathed out a slow, quiet sigh, relaxing in the embrace, and he closed his eyes, ready to see if sleep would remain elusive or if he could slip back into dreamless sleep.  
  
"You may stay," he murmured drowsily.  
  
Sighing with contentment, Remus pulled Severus close into his arms, resting his cheek against Severus' temple and closing his eyes.  "Thank you. I'm quite happy to stay.  Goodnight, Severus... sweet dreams."  



	18. Chapter 18

Severus spent an entire morning teaching Granger the spell, not because she was slow in mastering the nuance of pronunciation, but because she proved insatiably curious about how he had created it in the first place. It was gratifying to speak of his accomplishment to an audience that was willing to listen and learn, a most refreshing change from the majority of his former students, who had little interest in the knowledge and experience he had to impart. But then Granger, he had to admit, had always been eager to learn, hoarding up knowledge like a dragon hoarded gold.  
  
It was gratifying, but also somewhat anticlimactic. She would go off to St. Mungo's to perform the spell, and he thought it likely she would succeed in bringing Potter out of his dreamscape. She would be lauded as the heroine of the day, earning Potter's gratitude and Weasley the Younger's fatuous adoration, and Severus would still be on the outside. He didn't doubt she would credit him as the creator of the spell, but whether people would listen to her and report the information was doubtful. He supposed it wasn't any different from the war, when he was the one who worked to save Potter's arse at Dumbledore's behest and Granger and Weasley were the ones who got the credit for being Potter's supporters and helpmates in the eyes of the public.  
  
The thought brought forth less bitterness than Severus thought it would. Perhaps he was already thinking ahead to helping Remus track down Greyback too much to care, or perhaps he just didn't care about public opinion much anymore. Remus thought well of him, and that meant more than a hundred Orders of Merlin of any class.  
  
He persuaded Remus to hold off on departing until Granger reported back with news of her success or failure, although he did go upstairs to help Remus pack for their journey while they waited. He didn't know where or how Remus intended to start the quest, but he didn't care; he would be there, and he would help Remus kill Greyback if he could.  
  
And he would use every weapon at his disposal to make damned certain Remus came out of the encounter alive.  
  
"Blankets, thick shirts... boots," Remus muttered to himself as he rummaged through the trunk Hermione brought to him.  She had levitated it down to his room before leaving for St. Mungo's, telling him that it was camping gear from her parents' house.  
  
"Since you're going to have to find Greyback, you'll need proper equipment," she had said quietly.  "The clothing you might have to transfigure, but the backpacks and the sleeping bags should be fine as they are.  Remus... are you sure you don't want to wait for Harry?  He'd help, you know he would.  Professor Snape's spell will work, I'm certain of it, and..."  
  
"I know it will," Remus said softly, giving her a smile of gratitude.  But his mind was quite made up on the subject of Greyback.  "I have to do this alone. Just as Voldemort was Harry's, Greyback is mine.  This is a battle I have to fight myself.  But don't worry, Severus will be with me - and there isn't anyone else I would prefer to watch my back."  
  
Hermione had nodded in understanding, and then she had given him a fierce hug, departing with the promise to Floo-call as soon as she had any information about Harry.  Oddly enough, Remus wasn't worried at all about the outcome of the spell.  Harry would be fine; he knew it with a certainty that was unshakable.  By the time Hermione had left the room, Remus' thoughts were already on Greyback; his duty to Harry was done, and he had to stop the monster before another child was hurt.  
  
The sound of the door made him look up, and he smiled at Severus, holding up a pair of thick-soled boots.  "Look! Hermione's parents apparently used to be the outdoorsy type.  She said if we were going to go traipsing about the countryside, we ought to be properly equipped."  
  
"A sensible notion." Severus crossed the room and peered into the trunk to see what else it contained, pleased by what he saw. He didn't have much experience with camping and hiking; those weren't the sort of activities his family engaged in, and he preferred to be indoors with a cup of tea and a good book anyway. But he wasn't going to let the prospect of sleeping outdoors and eating meals cooked over an open fire deter him from accompanying Remus. "I have a few contributions of my own," he said, holding up a small pouch. "I've been brewing things that might help when it comes time for your confrontation. Unless your Gryffindor honor recoils at the idea of dousing his skin with an oil that will make his flesh rot on the bone, that is. In which case, you may leave it with me, and I will do it myself."  
  
Remus' eyes widened.  "Oh... well, no, I don't have any objection," he said, swallowing a bit at the thought.  It wasn't that he was squeamish about things, not really, but he supposed he hadn't thought about the actual confrontation much beyond the obvious _kill the bastard_.  If anything, he thought more in terms of his bare hands, but perhaps Severus was right, and he ought to think about the manner in which he intended to go about destroying the evil werewolf.  "Thank you, Severus; I appreciate anything and everything you care to contribute."  
  
Sitting back on his heels, Remus ran a hand idly over one of the sleeping bags.  "Are you still certain you want to go with me?" he asked quietly, his gaze somber as he looked at Severus.  "I'm torn, to be honest.  I want you with me, yet I don't want you to be in danger.  And yes, I know you've seen far more actual combat and pain than I ever did, but permit me my protectiveness."  He smiled at that, lopsided, but a smile nonetheless.  
  
"I will not be left behind." Severus' features were set in a stubborn glare. "It is the height of stupidity to go off and face Greyback alone without any reinforcements, and I have no intention of being left to wait and wonder. You need someone as back-up, and I am the only person I trust to do the job properly." He pursed his lips in a disapproving moue. "I suppose you _will_ insist on challenging him to one-on-one combat instead of casting the Killing Curse on him and having done with it?"  
  
Remus flushed.  "You make it sound like I'm an idiot.  But... well, it's _personal_ , you know?  If I simply wanted him dead, then yes, I suppose the Killing Curse would do it.  But I want him to _know_ it's me.  I want to see it in his eyes.  I want him to die with my name on his lips, with the realization that he is being paid back for all the pain he has inflicted on me and all those other children.  I want him to suffer."  He drew in a deep breath.  "Not very Gryffindor of me, is it?  If you want to be with me, I'm not going to stop you.  But don't put yourself at risk, all right?"  
  
"I will damned well put myself at risk if it means keeping your mangy carcass intact!" Severus strode over to the bed and set down the pouch carefully, and then he whirled to face Remus again, folding his arms across his chest and scowling fiercely. "That is the whole point of being there. However, if it makes you feel any better, I will promise not to fling myself in the path of danger unless it is necessary. As I said, I am going in a reinforcement capacity only. I will not attempt to fight your battle for you."  
  
He paused, his expression softening into something more pensive as he looked at Remus. "I do understand," he said quietly. "I do not _like_ it, but I understand. Do what you must. If it will bring you peace to kill him with your hands instead of your wand, so be it. But do not expect me to stand idly by and let you be incapacitated or killed."  
  
Setting the sleeping bag aside, Remus rose to his feet and crossed to Severus.  Raising his hand, he brushed a gentle finger over Severus' cheek, his expression becoming one of tenderness.  "Thank you.  As I said, I do want you with me," he replied.  "I'm selfish, I suppose, but after all we've been through, I am happy you want to be with me.  It means a lot to me.  _You_ mean a lot to me."  
  
Severus lowered his gaze, a faint flush rising in his cheeks, but he didn't pull away; he intended to prevent Remus' death if he could, but there were no sureties when it came to ventures like these, and as unwise as it was to let himself feel anything for Remus, he had his own selfish streak that wanted to enjoy what touches were granted him while he had the chance.  
  
"It isn't selfish. It's practical," he replied, his voice low and husky.  
  
"Well, whatever it is, I'm not going to question it."  Remus couldn't resist leaning in closer, drawing in a breath and reveling in Severus' warm scent.  He brushed a soft kiss to Severus' cheek, and then he pulled back, not wanting Severus to feel that he was pushing too fast or too hard.  "So, I hope you don't have objections to sleeping on the ground or eating cold food.  I don't know how long it will take us to find him.  It's not going to be easy or comfortable, I'm afraid."  
  
Severus lifted his chin proudly. "I will manage. I survived Azkaban. I can survive going on an extended camping trip with a vengeance-minded werewolf. Comfort will be the reward once this last task is finished."  
  
Remus laughed, giving Severus a brief but hard hug.  "Hopefully, comfort will be the least of your rewards once this is over.  You - we - will have our lives back.  I don't care about what it takes to get there, I want this over.  I want to be free.  I want you to be free.  After all these years, it's time.  I want to have nothing to think about except making you happy."  
  
"Hmph." Severus allowed the embrace, taking it as a little bit of comfort in the face of a long and dangerous quest. "Just concentrate on keeping yourself alive. We will worry about the possibility of freedom and happiness later."  
  
Once Remus released him, he stepped back and went to the trunk to find another backpack and help sort out the contents of the trunk. Although he hadn't been camping, he could guess what items they would need most, and he wanted to pack wisely rather than abundantly. As far as he was concerned, the lighter his own pack was, the better, but he would be certain not to leave anything vital behind.  
  
Remus turned his attention to packing as well.  He didn't have much, but he wanted to make sure that he had what was important to him.  Then there was the matter of transfiguring the heavy boots and jackets Hermione had provided.   There was a great variety of items, and Remus sorted through them with care, wanting to have enough to meet any contingency but not enough to weigh them down unduly.  Magic would help, of course, allowing them to carry more than they would otherwise, but they wouldn't want to spend ages packing and unpacking every morning and night.  
  
It took a while, and Remus was surprised when the Floo in his room suddenly flared green, and he saw Hermione's head emerge.   
  
"Remus, Professor Snape... it worked!  Harry's awake!" she called out, beaming at them from the flames.  
  
"And the whole bloody world rejoiced," Severus muttered, not looking up from packing his bag. Privately, he was pleased and a little smug that his spell had worked. It meant he would no longer be plagued by the Furies or Dementors, and hopefully the militant house-elves would be decamped by the time he returned home. He drew in a deep breath and released it slowly. One little piece of freedom, at least. With any luck, it would be the last time he had to save Potter's arse.  
  
"That's great!"  Remus jumped to his feet and moved to the hearth, crouching down so that Hermione could see him more easily.  "He remembers everything?  Will he be coming home?"  
  
"Not for a few days, the Healers say. They want to watch him closely," she replied, making a bit of a face.  "Of course, now that he's awake, he's clamoring to get out of there.  He seems to remember things, but it's hard to tell what was really real and what were dreams.  But that can all be sorted out."  Her gaze moved to Severus.  "Professor, I'm going to make certain he knows it was your spell.  And that everyone else knows, for that matter. You saved him. You may even have saved all of us.  Again.  Thank you.  It might not sound like much, but I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart."  
  
Severus shrugged, still not looking at her. "I didn't do it for gratitude. Tell whoever you like. Shout it from the bloody rooftops if you like, for all the good it will do. My part here is done." He rose and straightened, squaring his shoulders as he turned his full attention to her at last. "We have other business to attend to now."  
  
Hermione sighed.  "Well, I'm still grateful, Professor, no matter why you did it," she said, and then she looked at Remus again.  "So you're going already?  You won't wait for Harry?"  
  
"I can't - we can't," Remus amended.  "He's out there, and he's taking children.  Every day we wait puts more innocents at risk.  It has to end, Hermione, you know that.  And I have to be the one to end it."  He smiled.  "Please tell Harry I'm glad he's awake.  Tell him... I'll see him when it's over.  And that I'm proud of him."  
  
"I will," Hermione replied.  "Good luck, both of you.  And if you need anything - anything at all - let me know.  I'll do whatever I can to help."  
  
"Thanks," Remus said softly.  "Goodbye."  
  
"Goodbye."   
  
Hermione's face faded away, and Remus turned to look at Severus.  "Well, that's done.  There is nothing holding us here now."  He stood, looking at Severus soberly. "Are you ready, then?"  
  
Severus fetched the pouch he'd left on the bed and cast a cushioning charm on it, and then he secured it between a couple of layers of clothes before closing up his pack and hefting it onto his shoulder. He faced Remus, his own expression equally solemn. "Yes, I am ready." His features hardened into a look of determination. "Let's go hunting."  
  


* * *

  
The rainy season had come to Scotland, and Remus thought, with rather grim  
humor, it was odd that in the seven years he had attended school there, he had  
never once noticed that the entire country was made of mud.  
  
Not just any mud, either, but thick, heavy, squelchy mud, the type that seemed  
to cake onto the soles of boots or ooze into any opening.  If it weren't  
for drying and cleaning charms, their feet would have turned into rocks on the  
morning of the first day.  As it was, it made the going slower than Remus  
would have liked and also helped to cover the signs Greyback's new pack might  
have left.  Thus Severus and Remus had to stop often, asking for  
information from the various villages.  It wasn't easy to do without  
rousing suspicion until Remus hit upon the story of tracking a pack of wild dogs  
that were taking sheep from local farms and also had been known to attack small  
children.  By following stories of strange tracks and animal  
disappearances, as well as the occasional false rumor of wolves - which had been  
extinct in Scotland for over a century - they continued onward, hoping to find  
their location before Greyback decided to add another child to his pack.  
  
Fortunately, they were able to use magic to augment the Muggle camping gear, and  
so they were able to sleep in reasonable comfort despite the damp  
conditions.  But they had already been on the road for a week, and Remus  
had begun taking the Wolfsbane potion Severus had brought along.  He felt  
an increasing sense of urgency the closer they got to the full moon, the time  
when Remus knew that Greyback would be seeking out human rather than animal  
prey.  So they pressed on, keeping to the drier trails whenever possible,  
stopping often to check with both eyes and charms for any sign of their  
quarry.  Already on this, the eighth day, they had been walking for several  
hours, and Remus hefted his backpack higher on his shoulders and turned around  
to check on Severus.  
  
"How are you doing?" he asked as Severus drew abreast of him.  "Shall we  
stop for lunch now, or would you rather press on?  There is a village a few  
miles up, according to the map.  We could have a meal that wasn't cooked  
over a fire, if you'd like."  
  
"A hot meal in a real building with a roof overhead is worth the effort of  
pressing on," Severus replied, adjusting his own backpack and grimacing.  
  
He had never been overly fond of spending prolonged periods outdoors; he much  
preferred being out of the elements, especially when said elements were  
unpleasant, and they were hiking around in the midst of the rainy season, much  
to his dismay. That qualified as unpleasant in his book, and he had decided  
about three long, miserable days back that he would be hard-pressed not to cast  
a Killing Curse on Greyback on sight himself just so he could sit down for more  
than a few minutes at a time and stop feeling as if the damned backpack had  
become a large and awkward symbiotic growth on his back.  
  
He was often wet and cold, and as thin as he was, he had little natural  
insulation to keep him warm, forcing him to rely on layers of clothing; all the  
walking was burning off whatever fat he might have accumulated as well. But he  
refused to complain or falter, knowing Remus would be concerned and perhaps even  
insist he turn back, and he was not about to give up and go home to wait it out  
now. He forged on with grim determination, thoughts of ways Greyback could be  
slain keeping him going. At present, a slow and torturous death by evisceration  
was his favorite, but death by fire ants was a close second.  
  
"I admit to looking forward to it myself," Remus agreed, smiling rather ruefully  
at Severus.  He walked on slowly for a moment, close by Severus'  
side.  "Thanks again for coming with me.  This has been... well, not  
the worst thing I've gone through by any means, but definitely not fun.  I  
appreciate having you here, though, and knowing that you understand.  It  
makes it easier, to an extent.  Even if I worry about you, I'm glad to have  
you with me."  
  
"I am doing all right," Severus insisted staunchly. "There is no need to worry  
about me. You should be more concerned about yourself and what will happen when  
we finally do find Greyback." He fell silent, walking beside Remus, allowing his  
arm to brush against Remus'. "Even if I were barely dragging along behind, I  
would refuse to leave. I have begun this venture, and I will see it through." He  
set his mouth in a stubborn line. "I have little faith in omens and divination,  
but I have a feeling you will need me."  
  
"I do need you, in more ways than you know," Remus replied, his smile becoming  
tender as Severus brushed against him.  "I hope we can get this over with  
soon, though, for everyone's sake.  I suspect that when it's over, we'll  
both want to sleep for a week, and do it somewhere warm and dry!"   
  
A sound from the brush off to their right caused Remus to whip his head  
around.  He immediately placed himself between Severus and any possible  
danger, head cocked to one side and senses on alert as he peered into the  
dripping greenery that grew in dense patches between the trees.  
  
As soon as Remus moved, Severus drew his wand and went still; he'd seen Remus on  
high alert often enough during their journey to know what it meant and that the  
best thing he could do was keep silent and alert himself to avoid distracting  
Remus. Most times, he didn't hear, see, or smell whatever it was Remus did, and  
so he just listened intently, keeping watch as much as his own limited human  
senses would allow. He was poised to follow if Remus took off into the  
underbrush, and he held his breath, hoping that _this_ time, they would  
find Greyback.  
  
The rustling continued, and Remus waited, listening, until he was certain that  
it wasn't just an animal.  He was aware of Severus behind him, wand out and  
ready, and Remus spared him a grim glance and a nod before drawing his own wand  
and stepping forward.  
  
The occupant of the bushes must have decided that they weren't hidden well  
enough and suddenly burst from the shrubbery, running away from them back toward  
the woods.  Remus cursed under his breath; the intervening plants blocked a  
clear shot with a spell, and so he broke into a run, dodging the undergrowth as  
best as he could as he sought to capture the fleeing prey. Thorny brambles tore  
at his clothing, but Remus ignored them, moving with lycanthrope speed after his  
target.  As it was, he caught up with surprising swiftness, overbearing the  
shorter person and sending them both tumbling to the ground.  
  
"Get off, get off!" came a muffled cry, and Remus moved up, holding tight to the  
arm of his quarry as he rolled them over.  A young, frightened face gazed  
back at him, and Remus caught his breath at the fear he saw in the boy's wide  
blue eyes.  
  
"I won't hurt you, I promise," he said softly, although he didn't release the  
youth's arm.  No more than fourteen or fifteen he judged, wet and filthy  
and shivering with cold.  "Who are you, and why are you out here?"  
  
Severus stumbled onto the scene a moment later, snarling as he aimed at the  
figure held tight in Remus' grip, but he let out a bitter expletive when he saw  
it was a boy, not their real quarry. His features twisting in disappointment and  
disgust, he lowered his wand and stepped back. He'd heard Remus question the boy  
right as he arrived, and he folded his arms, glowering at the boy while he  
waited to hear the answers.  
  
"Let me go!" the boy struggled in Remus' grasp.  "I don't have to talk to  
you!  Leave me alone!"  
  
The sight of the youngster's struggles tore Remus' heart, and he was almost  
certain, but he had to be sure.  Leaning down, he sniffed close to the boy,  
but he caught no hint of wolf or the all-too-well remembered scent of Greyback  
himself.   
  
Releasing the boy's arm, Remus stood up. "You're right, you don't have to," he  
said, tucking his wand away and stepping back closer to Severus.  "But I  
can't think of any reason that you would be in the bushes, hiding, that doesn't  
mean trouble.  Perhaps we ought to take you back to your parents, at  
least.  You don't have to explain to us, but you do have to explain to  
them."  
  
"I won't go back there!" the boy shouted, scrambling up to his feet and standing  
before them, bedraggled and shivering.  There was mud all over his clothes,  
not all of it from Remus' tackle.  There was defiance on his face, but also  
misery.  "I won't go back. I hate it there. They don't understand me!"  
  
If the boy hadn't seemed so miserable, Remus might have chuckled.  A  
runaway with adolescent problems that were probably huge to him, but in the face  
of possible capture and infection by Greyback, they were probably minor  
indeed.   
  
"Parents can be dense, it's true," Remus agreed gravely.  "But how bad is  
it, really?  Do they beat you?  Deny you food?"  
  
"No."  There was discomfort on the boy's face.  "No, nothing like  
that.  They just... well, they want me to work on the farm, and I hate  
it!  I want to be a writer!  I don't want to slop the pigs and shear  
the stupid sheep!"  
  
Remus looked at Severus, having to hide a smile once again.  "Not fitting  
in?  I don't think either of us can relate, now can we?"  
  
Severus rolled his eyes, unimpressed by the boy's tale of misfit woe. "Oh, for  
God's sake! Either go home and stop whining or get out of this forest, you  
stupid boy," he exclaimed, scowling. "There is a werewolf roaming the area who  
will make your life far more miserable than your parents ever could - _if_  
you survive the encounter."  
  
"Werewolf?" The boy's eyes grew wide and round, but not for the right  
reason.  He suddenly burst out laughing.  "Do you think I'm some baby  
you can frighten?  There's no such thing as werewolves!"  
  
Remus almost groaned aloud; obviously this was a Muggle boy, and he probably  
thought they were mad.  Of course he wouldn't realize he was standing in  
the presence of a werewolf at this very moment, much less believe it.   
"Perhaps not, but there are a lot of dangers in the woods."  He glanced at  
Severus, then back at the boy.  "In fact, we're looking for a man, a very  
dangerous man, who has been known to harm children.  We don't know if he is  
around here, but we don't know that he isn't, either.  Believe me, you're  
safer at home.  Pigs and sheep aside, you really should be with your  
parents.  It's too dangerous to be alone."  
  
The boy looked more doubtful at that.  "Really?  I mean, you're not  
having me on?"  
  
Releasing a long-suffering sigh, Severus shook his head. "No, you young idiot,  
we are not having you on. Go away."  
  
He didn't care if the boy thought he was mad; he was wet, tired, and cold, and  
he wanted to reach the village as soon as possible, not stand around in the  
middle of the damned forest listening to some strange boy's tale of tragedy. He  
didn't have much patience at the best of times, and this was not the best of  
times. He plucked impatiently at Remus' sleeve, his scowl deepening. "May we go  
now?" he asked, trying but not quite succeeding in keeping a plaintive note out  
of his voice.  
  
"Go home, please," Remus said quietly.  "If you don't, it might be too  
late."  He couldn't force the boy to go, of course, but he could report the  
boy's presence when they reached the town.  "Really, it's not safe."  
  
He hated to just leave the boy there, but short of charming and then obliviating  
him, Remus didn't have much of a choice, and he couldn't risk having the  
Ministry come after them for gratuitously charming Muggles.  Sighing, he  
turned back to Severus.  "All right, let's go."  
  
"You... you'll just leave me here?" the boy asked as they turned away.   
  
Remus looked back.  "Well, we can't force you, can we?  You ran away  
from your parents, and you could probably do it again, so forcing you doesn't  
gain anything.  But as bad as you think your lot is, believe me, it could  
be worse, much worse."  Remus chuckled.  "Besides, we've been walking  
in this muck for a week, and it's cold and nasty.  Don't you want to go  
home where it's warm?  No one on the outside is going to care about your  
welfare as much as your parents, you know."  
  
The boy shrugged, but Remus saw the speculation in his eyes.  Remus was  
positive the boy would go home now, and so he took Severus' arm and started back  
down the path.  
  
"I think he'll go back," Remus said quietly as they walked away.   
"Sometimes it just takes someone else telling you what you know all along to  
make you realize it yourself."  
  
Severus spared a single glance over his shoulder for the boy before turning his  
attention back to their path ahead, concentrating on not tripping over anything.  
"Sometimes it does," he said, his voice soft, although not out of deference to  
the boy. Rather, he was thinking back to his earliest encounters with Remus,  
when he was furious that Remus was trying to keep him alive against his will.  
"Sometimes it takes time for the truth to sink in." He peeked sidelong at Remus  
and dared to press Remus' arm against his side briefly.  
  
The tiny movements Severus made toward intimacy always made Remus feel warm and  
tender, and he smiled at Severus again, realizing that Severus meant something  
more personal.  "As long as the realization comes at last, that's all that  
really matters, you know," he said quietly, returning the pressure.  "It's  
never too late to start over or to find happiness.  As long as you give  
yourself a chance, it'll happen."  
  
"It seems I have somehow managed to start over," Severus replied, relaxing a  
little at the comforting proximity. "It remains to be seen whether happiness is  
attainable. There are some rather significant obstacles that have yet to be  
overcome."  
  
"Yes, there are," Remus agreed, knowing that they hadn't reached the end of  
several of their journeys, and not just the current one.  "But compared to  
what we have both come through so far, I'd say there is reason to be  
hopeful."  He dared to turn his head and press his lips to Severus' cheek  
for a moment, breathing in deeply as he did so to absorb Severus' scent.   
"And it helps to have someone to fight alongside, doesn't it?  A journey  
shared is a journey halved, as they say."  
  
Severus leaned slightly into the kiss, but it didn't stop him from grumbling -  
although it _did_ seem to warm him down to his toes, sending a pleasant  
little tingle along his nerve endings. " _They_ obviously never slogged  
through the mud for days on end. Right now, my only hope is to reach that  
village you mentioned before one of us sinks in the mire, never to be heard from  
again."  
  
"A consummation devoutly to be wished."  Remus laughed and draped an arm  
around Severus' shoulders.  The rain had let up at last, and the sun even  
showed signs of peeking through the clouds, as though approving of their  
conversation.  "So, what do you think for lunch?  I'll eat anything  
but haggis - although if it's hot and I don't have to cook it, I might can even  
stand that!"  
  
"I don't care what we eat," Severus replied, allowing the embrace. It was  
comforting and even helped bolster his spirits a little, and he wasn't inclined  
to shrug Remus off; the morbid side of him wanted to enjoy the companionship  
while he could in case Greyback did indeed kill Remus, but he refused to listen  
to it, focusing on the moment. They were both alive here and now, and for the  
time being, that was enough.  



	19. Chapter 19

"There, that should do."  Remus stepped back and surveyed his handiwork  
with a critical eye.  When they'd started out on this hunt nearly two weeks  
before, he'd barely known how to pitch a tent, but he was getting quite good at  
it now.   
  
Sunset was fast approaching, so he hastened to place their sleeping bags inside,  
then turned back to pick up the rest of their gear.  They didn't dare leave  
anything out at night, even as far as they were from the last village, the one  
where they'd eaten dinner after finding the runaway boy.  That had been  
three days ago, and now they were deep into the woods, getting closer to where  
Remus felt certain that Greyback must be holed up. There had been a few signs,  
vague it was true, but the carcasses of small animals and the broken branches  
indicated that something had been hunting in this area, something with two hands  
and a knife.  
  
They had no choice but to camp when it got dark, however, and Remus moved toward  
the fire, laying a hand on Severus' shoulder.  "It's all ready.  We  
should throw some obscuring charms, I think, just in case.  I don't think  
anyone has been around here for a few days, but I'd hate for them to run across  
us while we were asleep."  
  
Severus nodded absently and drew his wand, accepting the casual touch with an  
ease he hadn't felt before this little venture. But after trudging around in mud  
and rain for two weeks with someone, it was impossible to avoid feeling some  
kind of connection to them even if there hadn't been anything between them  
before - and that was hardly the case where he and Remus were concerned. Despite  
himself, he had grown more attached and more comfortable with Remus, although he  
wasn't certain that was an entirely good thing given the outcome of Remus'  
confrontation with Greyback had yet to be determined. If it was up to Severus,  
there would be only one inevitable outcome. Especially now that he had Greyback  
to blame for experiencing the camping trip from Hell.  
  
"We need to retain the element of surprise if at all possible," he agreed as he  
stood, grimacing at his knees' protest to the movement. He had brought some deep  
heating pain relief salve for Remus to use following the transformation, but he  
had been using it a bit himself at the end of each day.  
  
Lifting his wand, he cast every protective charm he could think of; he knew  
Remus' charm work was solid, but he trusted his own abilities more, and knowing  
his own handiwork was in place helped him sleep better when the forest was  
emitting strange and unsettling noises all damned night.  
  
"Nice job," Remus said, watching Severus' wand work with admiration.  Then  
he made certain that the fire had been covered over and was undetectable.   
"There.  That should do, don't you think?"  He knew they should hurry  
up and get into the tent, and yet Remus couldn't help lingering, looking at  
Severus' face in the fading light, the crimson of the sunset making his pale  
skin seem to glow.   
  
Reaching out, Remus touched Severus' cheek in a fleeting caress.  "I think  
this will be over soon, one way or another.  He's here, somewhere not too  
far away.  I can feel it...  I don't know quite how, but it's like  
something crawling over my skin, something that has nothing to do with the  
moon."  
  
Severus' stomach clenched at that, a combination of fear and anticipation  
wracking him. He wanted this over with, but he dreaded it at the same time, and  
his expression was somber as he gazed at Remus. "Then we must be even more  
careful than we have been," he said quietly.  
  
"Yes."  Remus' tone was sober, and he sighed before turning away and  
heading toward the tent.  He knew the outcome of his confrontation with  
Greyback was far from certain, and part of him wanted to cling to Severus, to  
hold him close and never let him go.  But despite their increasing  
closeness, he sensed that Severus wasn't ready for the closest intimacy  
yet.  It was both endearing and a bit frustrating.  
  
"Ready for bed?" he asked, lifting the flap of the tent and smiling at Severus  
wryly.  "It's been a long day."  
  
"Indeed it has been." Severus approached the tent and ducked under the flap,  
hunching over as he entered it. It was a Muggle tent, which meant it was as big  
on the inside as it appeared to be from the outside; initially, that had given  
him some dismay since it meant he wouldn't be able to keep a safe distance from  
Remus at night, but now...  
  
Now he had come to enjoy the security of knowing Remus was near, letting the  
soft, rhythmic sound of Remus' breathing lull him to sleep, waking to find  
himself entangled in Remus' embrace despite the barriers provided by their  
clothes and sleeping bags. Apparently, Remus was as determined in sleep as he  
was while awake. Sometimes, Severus wanted to fling caution to the wind and give  
what he knew Remus wanted. Part of him thought he might regret it if he didn't  
and Greyback killed Remus. The rest of him reminded him that was exactly why he  
ought not do it; if the worst happened, he would be all right, not left empty  
and broken anew. Then there was the teeny tiny voice in the back of his mind  
laughing at him and claiming he had traded in one set of delusions for another  
if he thought that was true, but he squelched it viciously.  
  
He sat down on his sleeping bag and removed his boots and socks, wriggling his  
toes with relief, and he glanced up as Remus entered the tent as well. "Do you  
think we will find him before the full moon?"  
  
Remus entered the tent after Severus, closing and securing the flap before  
dropping down onto his own sleeping bag and mirroring Severus' actions in  
removing boots and socks.  "I hope so," he said pensively, looking down at  
the mud on his boots without really seeing it.  As they had gotten closer  
and closer to their goal, he'd wondered about that very thing.  Raising his  
eyes to Severus, he bit his lip.  "I think that if he's going to take  
another child, it'll be at the full moon.  That's the way he seems to  
operate.  He doesn't have to be too close to a village, either, since  
werewolves can run fast and far.  I want to make certain we prevent that  
from happening, which means we have to find him in the next two days.  I'm  
certain we're close, but he's crafty and has been hiding from people for  
decades.  I just hope that the young ones he has taken aren't so careful,  
and we'll find some clear indication of where he is before the moon rises. 

As a man, I have a chance against him... as a wolf, I'm not so certain."  
  
Severus shifted to sit cross-legged and turned his gaze downward, picking  
restlessly at the hem of his trousers. He knew they had to be realistic about  
Remus' chances, but he didn't have to _like_ it. "Then we will simply have  
to do whatever we can to make certain that doesn't happen," he said, his brow  
furrowing with determination. "It would help if we could find something like a  
bit of hair or clothing. You could catch a scent, or we could attempt a tracking  
spell with it." He thinned his lips in a hard line of disgust. "It would be more  
useful than stumbling around in the woods, blind and clueless."  
  
"That would be much easier, yes," Remus said quietly.  "We'll find  
something, we have to.  This just can't be allowed to continue; he has to  
be destroyed, for all our sakes."  
  
Pulling his wand, Remus cast a cleaning charm on his boots, then sat them  
aside.  "I do have a plan of sorts when we find him," he said, turning  
sideways on his sleeping bag and reaching out to take one of Severus' feet in  
his hands.  He pulled it into his lap and began to massage his thumbs into  
Severus' instep, enjoying the opportunity to touch Severus and to offer him some  
sort of pleasure.  Severus had beautiful feet, slender and graceful, and  
Remus was careful not to press too hard.  
  
His eyes widening with surprise, Severus stared at Remus, but he didn't yank his  
foot away as he might once have done; he'd never had anyone give him a foot rub  
before, and he'd never imagined it could feel as nice as it did. It was still a  
little awkward and embarrassing for him to accept such intimacy, not because he  
didn't want it, because he had so little experience with it. Remus knew he was a  
virgin, of course, but he didn't think Remus knew exactly how little experience  
with touch and closeness he had. He gnawed on his bottom lip, torn between  
sitting back and letting Remus continue and making a confession. In the end, he  
found the words rising to his lips, ready to be spoken aloud.  
  
"I don't know if you have realized it or not," he began slowly, glancing shyly  
at Remus. "But the only experience I have had in being intimate with in any way  
with someone has been with you."  
  
Remus glanced up in surprise, his hands stilling for a moment before continuing  
to work the tendons of Severus' foot, easing the ache of the long miles they had  
walked.  "I had the feeling you hadn't been playing the field for the last  
forty years," he said softly and with a trace of humor, touched by Severus'  
confession and his trust.  "I'm honored you've allowed me to get close to  
you, Severus.  I know I've been pushy, but what I really want is for you to  
be happy, to be safe and comfortable, and to know joy, real joy.  You  
deserve it."  
  
"No, I have not been playing the field," Severus replied dryly. He released a  
quiet sigh, relieved the confession had gone well, and he leaned back on his  
hands, letting himself enjoy Remus' ministrations. After all the hiking, he was  
tired and sore, and at the moment, he couldn't imagine real sex felt better than  
what Remus was doing to him now. "You are the first to do... everything, really.  
I hadn't even kissed anyone before. You were the only one who wanted me enough  
to bother trying, much less pushing, although I am still at a loss as to what  
you find so alluring about me. Certainly not my stunning good looks and amiable  
nature." He paused, watching Remus' hands as he worked. "I do feel safe and  
comfortable," he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. He might not be  
willing to give Remus everything, but he could offer this in case the worst did  
happen. "The rest will have to wait and see how things turn out between you and  
Greyback."  
  
Remus finished with Severus' foot, then turned his attention to the other,  
mulling over Severus' words for a moment.  "I think that what draws me to  
you is the fact that in many ways, we are the same," he said softly.  "Deep  
inside, we've both been touched by darkness, and we both carry our own  
demons.  I think that I understand you in a way that perhaps no one else  
does.  The same way I think that you understand me."   
  
He worked in silence for another minute, debating how much he should say, then  
deciding that it was stupid, really, to hold anything back at this  
juncture.  "I think our similarities are probably what came between us for  
most of our lives, as well as what has drawn us together now.  Pain  
recognizes pain, too.  I saw that pain in you, perhaps for the first time,  
there on the hill at the final battle.  You were screaming... and I

 _knew_ that sound.  It was the same one I've been bottling inside for  
years."  
  
Severus listened quietly, recognizing the truth of Remus' words - and of their  
connection. Images of the memory he had brought out through Legilimency in the  
mirror rose up, and he knew Remus was telling the truth about hearing him  
scream, and he had no doubt Remus had been bottling up screams of his own. How  
could he not? Leaning forward, Severus curled his fingers around Remus' wrist  
and gazed at him intently.  
  
"Pain and darkness draw us together," he whispered. "Yet somehow, this is good.  
I don't understand it, but I no longer doubt it is real."  
  
Lifting a hand, Remus curved it against Severus' cheek, staring into the  
darkness of Severus' eyes and knowing that Severus meant it.  "Good. 

I don't think understanding is necessary, but belief is.  I believe in you,  
Severus, and I believe in _us_.  No one else has to accept it or  
understand it either as long as we do.  And when this is over, when  
Greyback is dead, I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.   
The time for pain is over.  It's time to leave that behind and find the  
freedom we can give each other."  
  
Severus leaned against Remus' palm, and he tightened his fingers around Remus'  
wrist, clinging to him; he wanted to believe it was possible. That Remus would  
kill Greyback, that he was capable of happiness. He still didn't know for  
certain, but he wanted to find out. "Yes. But there is a rather large obstacle  
to overcome first." He released Remus' wrist and scooted closer, huddling  
against Remus' side. "You had damned well better live," he grumbled. "It's your  
fault _I'm_ still alive. You have a responsibility to uphold."  
  
Remus moved to allow Severus closer, wrapping an arm around Severus' waist and  
pulling him into a tight embrace.  "I want to live, believe me.  I've  
never had so much reason to live as I do right now. And you are a responsibility  
I look forward to upholding for a very long time to come."  
  
"Good," Severus murmured. He yawned, his eyelids drooping, and he let himself  
relax in Remus' embrace, the rigors of the day catching up with him. He was warm  
and dry now, and he and Remus were snug in the tent - the best part of the day,  
if anything could be called the best of this excursion. He was content to live  
in the moment and forget about Greyback for now.  
  
"And right now, I think my responsibility is to tuck you in," Remus said,  
chuckling as he pressed a gentle kiss to Severus' forehead.  His  
lycanthropy gave him a large amount of strength, which he put to good use in  
lifting Severus easily and settling him down on his sleeping bag.  He  
debated for the barest moment before settling down beside Severus, holding him  
close and using his wand to settle his own sleeping bag over them for a  
cover.  "Comfortable?"  
  
"Mm-hm." Severus released a sleepy sigh and let his eyes drift closed, fatigue  
letting him lower his inhibitions enough to nestle against Remus, feeling safe  
and warm.  
  
Relaxing against Severus, Remus closed his own eyes, enjoying the trusting  
closeness of their positions.  He sensed that another barrier had been  
lowered, and it made him feel a rush of tender affection for Severus.  They  
might still have a way to go before their relationship was one that most people  
would consider 'normal', but Remus didn't care.  All he wanted now was to  
enjoy the feeling of Severus in his arms; all too soon it would be morning, and  
their quest would begin once more, but Remus was more determined than ever that  
Greyback would perish, so that both he and Severus could move on with their  
lives and finally find what the future held in store for them both.  
  


* * *

  
The weather finally cleared the day before the one which would bring the full  
moon.  
  
While the Wolfsbane potion helped to subdue the rising agitation of the wolf, it  
couldn't completely mask Remus' increasing concern that they were running out of  
time.  He guided them deeper into the woods, moving as fast as they could  
while at the same time looking for signs of their quarry.  They needed to  
cover as much ground as possible, hoping to locate something which would point  
to Greyback's location.  
  
Even though the ground was now drier, they still hadn't located more than vague  
indications of human presence in the area.  Yet something, some instinct he  
couldn't quite name, caused him to turn their path toward the low hills to the  
west.  There might be caves there, something to offer some bit of shelter  
and security for the pack.  
  
He was setting a hard pace, and he glanced back often at Severus, concerned that  
he didn't drive Severus faster than he could keep up.  Finally at midday,  
they reached a clearing, and he stopped, sighing and shrugging off his pack.  
  
"We might as well stop for a bit, catch our breath," he said, glancing around  
and sniffing the air, his keen senses searching for the presence of any danger  
nearby.  Satisfied that they were safe, he pulled his wand, transfiguring a  
chair out of a stump.  "Here, have a seat and rest.  I'll put us  
together something to eat and drink."  
  
Lowering his backpack to the ground, Severus sank into the transfigured chair  
gratefully, glad to have a break. Remus had been pushing them both harder, but  
Severus hadn't complained, knowing Remus was feeling increased pressure to find  
Greyback with every hour that passed. In truth, Severus didn't want to wait  
until after the full moon to find Greyback either, not if catching up with him  
before meant preventing him from killing or turning another child, and so he had  
forged ahead, drawing on the strength of will that had got him through two wars  
alive and relatively intact.  
  
"We don't have to stay long," he said, rolling his shoulders to ease the ache.  
"Not on my account. I am aware we don't need to waste daylight."  
  
"True, but we can't kill ourselves in the process," Remus replied, smiling  
crookedly.  He knelt on the ground, opening his pack and rummaging through  
it for a moment. He pulled out a flask of water, as well as a bottle of  
Pepper-Up potion and a packet of the Muggle camp rations. Standing, he crossed  
to Severus, offering him the potion first.  "You've been a trooper, moving  
at this pace.  I don't want you collapse!"  
  
Severus accepted the potion, not inclined to argue; even when he was in better  
health than he had been since the end of the war, he would have found their  
recent pace grueling, and he wasn't above accepting help. "I will be all right,"  
he said after he downed the potion. "Either we push ourselves and find Greyback  
before the full moon, or we push ourselves and we do not find him. Either way,  
we will be able to slow down after the full moon. I can keep up and make it  
until then."  
  
Remus nodded, passing over the flask of water.  "You're right.  Either  
way, tomorrow will be a turning point.  But we're close... I can feel  
it."  He rubbed the back of his neck.  "I think there is a chance he  
could have found a cave in those hills we're heading toward.  It would be  
easier for him to keep the kids in line, too, if he only had to watch one  
entrance rather than a whole camp.  He may be tough, but he has to sleep  
sometime."  
  
"Yes." Severus drank deeply and handed back the flask, feeling better already  
thanks to the water, the potion, and the short break. "It would be more easily  
defensible as well. Do you think he is nocturnal? Would we stand a better chance  
of taking him by surprise if we moved on him during the day?"  
  
"I definitely would prefer to take him in the daytime," Remus said.  He  
opened the food pack, taking out one of the high-calorie bars and offering  
Severus the other.  "Not just because he probably prefers the darkness  
himself, but because there might be other things in these woods that we don't  
want to run afoul of at night."   
  
Taking a bite of the bar, he chewed for a moment, lost in thought.   
"Whatever happens, it will probably happen fast.  I think the most  
important thing will be for you to get yourself secure first before trying to do  
anything to help me.  I don't know what orders  he's given his pack;  
he will probably ignore you in favor of me, but those children are another  
matter."  
  
Severus listened as he began to eat the offered bar. Once the trip was over, he  
would be happy if he never had to see one of those things again, but even as  
little appetite as he had, he welcomed the bars, eating them as if they were the  
main course of a sumptuous feast. "Then I will seek out the children first and  
leave you to deal with Greyback. Presuming he does not ambush us, he ought not  
kill you _that_ quickly," he said dryly, a faint trace of ironic humor in  
his voice. "I will do what I can for whatever captives he may have and stay out  
of your way."  
  
"That's a good plan."  Remus finished off his bar, then took the water  
flask and drank long and deep from it.  "I hope to get the drop on him,  
rather than the other way 'round."  He grinned.  "Besides, if you  
still have your old talents, you'll have the kids snapping to attention with  
just a look." He offered Severus the flask again.  "More?  And do you  
feel rested enough to go on?"  
  
Severus finished off his bar and took the flask again, taking another drink to  
wash down the bar. Closing the flask, he stood and stretched, working out a few  
kinks in his aching muscles. He would rather rest a while longer, but daylight  
was burning, and he knew they couldn't afford to waste a minute of it.  
  
"Yes, I'm ready," he said, handing back the flask and stooping to retrieve his  
pack. Shouldering it, he steeled himself and gave Remus a steady look. "Shall we  
go?"  
  
"In just one more moment," Remus said quietly.  He took Severus' pack,  
dropping it on the ground again, then stepped behind him and put his hands on  
Severus' shoulders.  He began to massage into the tight muscles gently but  
firmly.  "Relax, at least a little bit.  I promise you when this is  
over, I'm going to massage every part of you I can get access to and anything  
else that will make you feel good."  
  
The impromptu massage was a surprise, but Severus didn't protest, not when the  
massage felt so good; Remus' fingers worked out the knots in his sore muscles,  
and he felt himself relaxing in spite of the tension of the situation. "When  
this is over," he said, his voice soft as he peeked shyly over his shoulder, "I  
may let you."  
  
"Then I have even more reason to kill Greyback, and quickly," Remus  
replied.  He leaned forward, nuzzling Severus' cheek.  "He's less of a  
goal than an impediment at the moment.  One I want to get past as soon as I  
can." He pulled back so that he could continue to work on Severus' shoulders,  
then finally dropped his hands with a sigh of regret.  "I suppose we really  
do need to get on.  Cross your fingers that maybe we'll find something  
soon."  
  
"I do," Severus replied quietly. "For more reason than one."  
  
He hesitated, uncertain of himself, but time was running out, and this might be  
his last opportunity. Reaching out, he clasped Remus' hand, squeezing it  
tightly, and he leaned over to press a light but shyly tender kiss to Remus'  
lips. "For luck," he murmured.  
  
Remus' eyes widened as Severus kissed him, and for a moment, he was too thrilled  
to react.  Inside, he felt himself turning to soppy mush, just the kind of  
thing Severus would probably roll his eyes about.  But even as his throat  
closed up with emotion, he curved a hand behind Severus' neck and captured his  
lips again in a longer kiss, although it was just as gentle as Severus'.   
"For luck," he replied, laying his forehead against Severus' and smiling.   
  
Closing his eyes, Severus accepted the kiss, leaning closer, and his instincts  
urged him to part his lips and let Remus deepen the kiss, but that could be a  
distraction as well as time-consuming, and so he resisted the temptation,  
letting Remus end the kiss and resting his forehead against Remus' in return. If  
the kiss offered real luck or at least motivation for Remus to fight harder and  
defeat Greyback, then it would be worth having taken the risk and initiating it  
himself for the first time.  
  
He opened his eyes and pulled back at last. "I believe we are ready to press  
onward now."  
  
"Ready," Remus agreed.  He wanted to say more; he wanted to do more.   
He wanted to pull Severus into his arms and kiss him breathless or to grab him  
and Apparate far away to a place where they could be alone forever, safe from  
the world.  But no matter how desperately he wanted it, he knew that it  
wasn't the right thing, not yet.  He could never feel completely free until  
Greyback was destroyed at last.  
  
He gave Severus an intense look, full of all his conflicting emotions, then bent  
and picked up Severus' pack.  He settled it gently on Severus'  
shoulders.  "Let's go, then.  Let's get this over once and for all."  
  
Adjusting his pack, Severus nodded resolutely. "Yes, let's." He felt better for  
the rest, the massage, and the moment of quiet connection, and he was ready to  
resume the hunt in hopes of it ending successfully - and soon.  
  
Remus drew his wand again, banishing the chair he'd made for Severus before  
picking up his own pack. He shrugged into it, then nodded.  "It's  
time."  With that, he set off again, forcing himself to go forward toward  
whatever awaited.  
  


* * *

  
"Stop!"  
  
Remus hissed the warning to Severus, while at the same time reaching out to push Severus back and away from the path they had been following.  It was only an hour until sunset, and now, finally, Remus was certain that the eyes he felt upon them at this moment were those of another werewolf.  
  
Without thinking, he sprinted off into the underbrush, chasing after a quarry only he could not see, but only sense.  Dodging this way and that beneath overhanging branches, leaping over thrusting roots, Remus drew closer and closer until at last he pounced, falling on top of a struggling body and pulling it into his arms.  
  
Rolling over, Remus managed to overpower his prey, wrapping an arm around a narrow waist even as he clapped a hand over a mouth poised to scream.  It struck him, then, that this was a child that he held, but he didn't dare relax his grip.  He gasped in pain as small, sharp teeth sank into his palm, but he didn't let go; instead he stood up, pinning the writhing body against his, and moved back toward where he had left Severus.  
  
Emerging back onto the path, he gritted his teeth as the child continued to kick and bite.  "Immobilize him, please!" he hissed.  "Before he manages to gnaw my hand off!"  
  
Drawing his wand, Severus aimed at the child and fired off a stunning spell; fortunately, his aim was true, and the child went rigid in Remus' arms. He moved forward quickly, frowning with concern. "Did he draw blood? Do you need the wounds treated before we continue?"  
  
He would see to the child in a moment, but he knew Remus hadn't hurt the boy, and he didn't want Greyback alerted to their presence by the scent of fresh blood.  
  
Remus relaxed his arms as the child succumbed to Severus' spell, letting out a sigh of relief as the pain eased.  He sank to the ground, lying the small body down gently, before holding up his torn hand for Severus to inspect.  "Looks like he did draw blood, but I don't blame him, the poor wee lad.  I'm sure things haven't been easy for him, and I probably scared him witless too."  He glanced down at the boy with concern, surprised to note that he was even younger than Remus had first assumed.  His heart twisted in sympathy.  "Oh, he's so small."  His mouth set in a grim line, then, and his eyes flashed.  "But we'll get him out of this.  Even if I have to kill Greyback with my bare hands."  
  
Severus knelt and clasped Remus' hand and drew the tip of his wand along the wounds, murmuring a healing spell to mend the torn flesh. Once the wounds had knit together, he followed up with a simple cleaning charm to dispel the blood, leaving nothing for any sensitive werewolf noses to scent.  
  
"I thought killing Greyback with your bare hands was the general idea," he said once he had finished his work, glancing at Remus with a wry look. Tucking his wand away, he ran his fingertips along Remus' palm before releasing his hand. To him, Remus' hands were sources of gentleness and affection, but he knew they were powerful as well. With luck, they would be more powerful than Greyback's.  
  
He turned his attention to the child, his expression turning troubled. So young! He didn't even want to think about what the child must have seen and suffered under Greyback's care. "Is he a werewolf? Can you tell?"  
  
"Thank you."  Remus resisted the urge to close his fingers around Severus'; there was no time right now, even if every part of him wanted to draw Severus into his arms and wish away what was about to happen.  "Yes, he's a werewolf," Remus said softly.  "And around the same age I was when Greyback bit me.  No doubt he was on watch, set to alert the pack to the presence of strangers."  
  
Standing once more, Remus looked back over his shoulder in the direction the boy had been running.  "We need to go, and quickly.  Someone might come to replace him, or he might be supposed to report back in to the pack.  If we can get there soon enough, we'll take them by surprise.  And that might be enough to make a difference."  He looked back at Severus.  "Can you carry him or levitate him as we move?  I don't want to leave him here unprotected, since he could fall prey to other things in the forest, but I need my hands free, just in case."  
  
"I will carry him," Severus replied. He scooped up the boy's stiff form, cradling it against his chest as he stood; the boy's body was awkward to carry, but light, and Severus nodded tersely when he had adjusted his small burden to fit comfortably in his arms. "Ready," he said.  
  
Remus couldn't resist reaching out to touch Severus' cheek lightly and briefly, smiling to show his appreciation.  "All right, then, on we go."  He hesitated for a moment, then leaned forward over the boy, kissing Severus hard and fast.  "For luck," he said.  "For both of us."  
  
Turning, then, Remus started off through the underbrush, retracing the path he'd taken after the boy.  He paused when he reached the place where he'd knocked the boy down, glancing around at the leaves and branches.  No doubt the child had been making a straight line back to camp, not having the age or experience to do anything else, and the pattern of bent and broken foliage supported that assumption.   
  
Lifting his face into the breeze, Remus closed his eyes and sniffed. There were wild scents all around, but he had the boy's to go on as well, and Remus thought that they weren't too far from wherever the pack was hiding out.  "This way," he said, his voice low, and he started forward again, moving slowly and carefully, pausing every few feet to listen and to scent the air.  
  
Severus held the boy close, careful to shield him from the whip and sting of branches as he followed Remus; he was alert, his senses wide open, and while he knew they were no match for Remus', he wouldn't allow himself to be taken unaware. He moved as stealthily as he could, not wanting to ruin their chances of taking Greyback by surprise; he had promised not to get in the way, and he intended to keep his promise.  
  
The further they went, the more on edge Remus felt, the wolf within him rising up in spite of the effects of the Wolfsbane Potion.  He let it, but he didn't want to give it control, even if he could have.  This was one battle where he needed his wits more than strength or the fearlessness of the wolf.  
  
They continued forward, toward the north, as the sun sank lower in the west, bringing out long shadows from the trees.  Yet Remus didn't hurry, fearing discovery more that the dark.  Fortunately, however, they reached the edge of the clearing while there was still light enough to see.  
  
Crouching down, grateful that the wind was with them, Remus scanned the small area that opened up before them.  As he had suspected, the pack was using a cave in a low hill for shelter.  There were a few children sitting before a fire, and no doubt more were in the cave.  As Remus watched, Greyback emerged from the dark opening that led into the earth, and Remus stiffened, stifling the growl of rage which rose to his lips.  
  
Turning to peer over his shoulder, he nodded to Severus, not daring to speak.  He held up four fingers and pointed to the boy, indicating that he could see four other children.  Then he drew in a deep breath, rising to his feet and stepping into the clearing, wand drawn.  
  
"Fenrir Greyback!" he called out.  "I have come to kill you."  
  
Greyback turned, a snarl rising on his lips.  "Lupin!" he shouted, his bared teeth glinting in something that was definitely not a smile.  "You finally sought me out, did you?  And here I underestimated you, thinking you were holed up with your surviving friends, celebrating your little victory against the Dark Lord.  Only it wasn't quite a victory, was it?  Even I heard that Potter was all but dead himself."  
  
"Harry is fine, not that he has anything to do with this," Remus replied, stepping forward toward Greyback.  "And yes, I'm here to stop you.  No more children, Greyback.  I'm not going to let you harm any more the way you did these.  And me."  
  
The children had risen and were standing behind Greyback, but Remus could see the fear and hesitation in their eyes.  The oldest was perhaps twelve, the youngest no more than five, and as he had suspected, Remus saw two others emerging from the cave.  Greyback had been busy in the months since the war, and Remus felt a sick twisting in his gut at the thought of all these young lives, forever cursed by Greyback's evil.  
  
"Big words, wizard," Greyback scoffed, not seeming intimidated by Remus' wand.  Yet Remus knew it was an act; Greyback knew enough to be wary of magic.  "So why don't you kill me?  Strike me down with your wand?"  
  
For a moment, Remus considered doing exactly that, but he knew that couldn't be the end of it.  This was too personal.   
  
"Because that would be too quick and clean."  Remus smiled, a smile as cold as death, and calmly tossed his wand away back toward Severus, who was still hidden in the foliage.  "You deserve the same pain you've dished out for so many years.  And I intend to see that you receive it."  
  
Greyback licked his lips, obviously pleased and now certain of himself.  "Wolf to wolf then," he said.  "You're still a cub, Lupin. You should have used that wand while you had a chance."  
  
With that, Greyback rushed him.  
  
Remus had been expecting this, and he was certain that Greyback would know he had.  Instead of sidestepping the swift attack, however, Remus rushed to meet it.  Their two bodies, moving at lycanthrope speed, were a blur of motion as they impacted, Remus low to the ground as Greyback sprang, intent on overbearing him.  Remus saw the children scattering out of the way, and he spared a moment to hope that they kept far back from the battle; Greyback wouldn't hesitate to involve them, the rules of dominance battles being unwritten and owing little to honor, and Remus didn't want to have to worry about them.  
  
Clenching his teeth, Remus took the blow of Greyback's legs on his shoulder, digging his feet into the ground and using that to force Greyback to twist in mid-air.  The wily old werewolf managed to complete the flip, however, and as Remus spun in place, he saw that Greyback had tucked and rolled, coming up to his feet in a graceful, completely unnatural motion.  
  
"Maybe I've learned a little bit," Remus said, his voice low and vibrating with the growl of the wolf.  "I don't need a wand to kill you, old man.  Your time is done."  
  
As Remus had hoped, he saw the wolf rising in Greyback's eyes, angered by the taunt.  He needed Greyback angry, off balance, if he were going to win.   
  
"I'll show you whose time is done!" Greyback ran forward again.  This time, Remus did move to sidestep him, but Greyback caught at his arm, spinning Remus around and getting a hand on Remus' shoulder.  The fabric of his jacket and shirt ripped beneath the sharpness of Greyback's claws, and Remus felt them bite into the naked flesh of his shoulder.  
  
Bringing up both hands, Remus aimed the heels of his palms at Greyback's face, catching him on the edge of his jaw and forcing him back.  They were both strong, but Remus' movement had a bit more power behind it, and so Greyback was forced to release him and dance back, shaking his head from the force of the blow.   
  
Remus knew that he had to wear Greyback down before closing in, and Greyback was a bit more wary now.  They circled each other, eyes locked, each looking for an opening to spring in and get a swipe in at the other.  
  
It came, a slash from Greyback's claws that caught Remus' cheek, raking open the flesh in a stinging swatch.  Yet Remus struck out as well, his fist catching the side of Greyback's head so hard that Remus felt the jolt of it all the way up his own arm.  Greyback countered, springing forward and dealing Remus a blow to the body, knocking Remus back so that he stumbled and nearly fell.  
  
Gasping, Remus resisted the urge to bring a hand up to his side.  He'd felt the snap of ribs when Greyback struck him, but he couldn't show weakness.  He danced back from another rush, glad to see that his strike to Greyback's head had slowed the older werewolf down, but no doubt it wouldn't take long for Greyback to shake it off.  There was bloodlust in Greyback's eyes, and Remus knew that this was going to end soon, one way or another.  
  
Another exchange of blows, Remus suffering a slash to his arm, while dealing out another clout to Greyback's head, hoping to slow him again.  Unfortunately, however, Greyback seemed to be expecting it, and he grasped Remus' arm, whipping it behind him and forcing Remus down to his knees.  
  
This wasn't a good position at all, leaving the back of Remus' neck vulnerable, and he knew that Greyback wouldn't hesitate to snap it.  But instead of forcing his way upward, he fell forward on his face, pulling Greyback off balance.  They both hit the ground hard, and then they were rolling over and over in the mud, each trying to grapple their way to the top.  
  
So close together, they struck at each other, hard blows that bruised and burned.  Remus thought he felt another rib break, but he was hurting Greyback, too.  The old werewolf was growling continuously, snapping forward to bite at Remus' throat.  Remus blocked those horrible teeth with his arm, feeling them sink into his flesh, rending and tearing with unholy glee.  
  
They finally stopped rolling, Greyback on top, his hands coming to encircle Remus' neck, intent on choking the life out of him.  Remus looked up, staring into golden eyes that held no trace of humanity; there was nothing in Greyback's face except the visage of the monster, the horrible beast that had ruled Greyback's life for decades and had ruined the lives of far too many children.  
  
"Time to die," Remus gasped, feeling Greyback's finger tighten around his throat.  Greyback lifted his head, releasing Remus' arm, and smiled down at him.  
  
"Yes, time for you to die," he growled.  "Poor little cub, thinking he could take me on.  You're just teaching these children a lesson that they can't fight me, that I will always-"  
  
Greyback stopped, his eyes going wide, then he shrieked in pain as Remus stabbed him again.  Remus had hidden the silver dagger in his boot, and as Greyback spoke, he had slipped it from its hiding place, holding Greyback's gaze as he drove it into the back of his neck.  The silver burned Remus' bare palm, but he barely noticed it, the Wolfsbane seeming to give him some measure of protection from the metal that was normally poison to werewolves.  But Greyback had no protection at all, and Remus used all of his strength, concentrating on nothing but stabbing Greyback again and again, using his other arm to hold the old werewolf in place when he tried to get away.  
  
"Not me, you," he whispered, barely able to get the words out through his bruised throat.  Greyback was scrabbling, trying to get away, but Remus lifted his legs, locking himself to Greyback's body.   
  
Greyback was striking out, but Remus ignored the blows, thinking of nothing but sinking the metal into Greyback's flesh again and again.  He would have preferred to stab from the front, but as it was, he did the best he could, jabbing at Greyback's neck.  Finally he felt the dagger sink in deeper, and as he watched, he saw the point of it emerge from the open maw of Greyback's mouth.  Golden eyes widened in shock, and Greyback went rigid, thrashing as thick, red blood gouted from his mouth, coating he and Remus both.  Finally he stopped, and as Remus gasped for breath, Greyback slumped, falling over to one side.  
  
Not trusting that Greyback was dead, Remus rolled with him, coming up on top at last.  He let go of the dagger, unable to pull it from where it was embedded in Greyback's neck.  Instead he took Greyback by the hair, slamming his head into the ground, then twisting it with all his might until he heard a loud, sickening crack.   
  
Beneath him, Greyback went limp and still.  Remus stared down, breathing hard, not quite daring to believe that it was over.  He had done it. He had killed Fenrir Greyback, the monster who had created him, the demon who had ruined the lives of far too many families.  
  
Dazed, Remus staggered to his feet.  He looked around, barely seeing the wide-eyed children who stood around in shock.  He looked only for a pair of dark eyes, and he lurched forward toward Severus, holding out a bloody hand.  
  
"It's over," he gasped, swaying on his feet, but the smile he offered to Severus was one of almost delirious happiness.  "It's finally over, Severus.  And now..."  
  
With that, his eyes rolled back in his head, and Remus collapsed to the ground at Severus' feet, pulled down into warm darkness as he knew no more.  
  
During the fight, Severus had remained hidden; he had placed the boy on the ground nearby, safe and out of sight, and he had moved as close to the cave as possible, his wand drawn as he watched and waited anxiously. His blood pounded in his ears, a steady roar that seemed to block out the sounds of the forest, and his vision narrowed to just Remus and Greyback, his entire world hanging in the balance. He wanted to rush forward and tear into Greyback himself or tip the scales by casting a hex, but he held back, letting Remus fight his own battle as much as it frustrated him to do so.  
  
Severus saw the silver knife flash in the firelight, and he nodded, impressed in spite of himself; it was a dangerous gambit but a clever one, almost worthy of a Slytherin. He knew which way the tide would turn then, and he turned away long enough to revive the boy, who came to still fighting and clawing. He stopped when Severus aimed his wand at him again, going wide-eyed, and they stared at each other for a long moment.  
  
The boy's unkempt hair was honey-blond and wavy, and his eyes already had a golden cast; he looked like what Severus fancied Remus must have looked like as a boy and was, as Remus had said, likely around the same age as Remus when he'd been bitten. A sudden, unexpected surge of protectiveness welled up within Severus, and he reached out to clasp the boy's wrist.  
  
"We are here to take you away from Greyback," he whispered, trying to look less fierce, but "friendly and comforting" had never been his forte, and he doubted he was succeeding now. "Do you want to go home?"  
  
The boy nodded, still wide-eyed, and Severus nodded in return. "Good. Then come with me and be quiet."  
  
He didn't release the boy's wrist just in case the boy decided to make a run for it; he didn't want Remus distracted, and so he moved slowly and carefully, his wand still drawn. But when he stepped into view, he found it was over. Greyback was dead, and Remus staggered to him only to collapse, and Severus fought down a surge of panic, not knowing whether all that blood was Greyback's or Remus'.  
  
He froze, torn between two instincts, terrified that he might have made a mistake in looking away too soon, one that would cost Remus his life, but in the end, it was the sight of the children huddling together, wide-eyed and frightened, that galvanized him into action. He drew in a deep, steadying breath, forcing down his own fear; they needed someone calm to take charge, and he was the only one who could do it.  
  
"My name is Severus," he said, keeping his voice even. "This man and I," he gestured to Remus, "have come to take you home to your families. I promise no more harm will come to any of you." He released the boy's wrist and waited to see if the boy ran away from him, but the boy remained by his side, gazing up at him and listening somberly. That seemed like a good start, and Severus nodded slightly to himself. "Right. Are there any more of you? Is anyone hurt?"  
  
Silence and some shuffling of feet greeted the questions at first, but one of the older children stepped forward, a girl who looked around twelve or so. "There were two others back in the cave," she said flatly. "They're dead now."  
  
Severus' jaw tightened at that, but he wasn't surprised. Greyback was vicious and careless with other people's lives. "We will see that they are returned to their families for burial," he said.  
  
He felt a tug on his sleeve and glanced down to find one of the youngest children had slipped up silently beside him. She removed her thumb from her mouth and looked up at him with eyes that were far older than they should be. "Is the bogeyman dead?"  
  
"Yes," Severus replied solemnly. "He is dead, and you will never see him again."  
  
"What about the good wolf?"  
  
Severus breathed out a shaky sigh. "That is what I need to find out," he replied, his calm veneer slipping a little as he knelt beside Remus and rolled him over, hastily seeking a pulse. Terror constricted around his heart when he couldn't find it at first - and then he felt it, weak but steady, and he wanted to collapse from sheer relief. "Alive," he murmured shakily. "Unconscious, but alive." Bending low, he stroked Remus' blood-matted hair back from his face and whispered in Remus' ear. "Don't you dare die on me now, Lupin. Do you hear me? It's over, and you have promises to keep."  
  
He didn't know if Remus would hear him or not, but he thought it couldn't hurt to try; Remus had once fought to keep him alive, and now he would do the same for Remus, even if it meant tap-dancing on Remus' chest to keep his heart beating.  
  
Glancing around, he realized there was no way he could get himself, all these children, and an injured werewolf out of the woods, especially since they had three bodies to return as well. He thought about Apparating them one at a time, but that would take a while, and he didn't know where he could Apparate them to. They needed medical care; at best, they needed treatment for exposure and malnutrition, and at worst, some of them might still be wounded from Greyback's attack. Taking them to Grimmauld Place would be just a waste of time; the children and Remus needed to go directly to St. Mungo's.  
  
He needed help, and he didn't have an owl, much less quill and parchment handy, and he didn't want to leave them alone long enough to go and fetch someone. That left one option, and he could only pray he was better capable of performing the spell now than he had been the last time he'd attempted it.  
  
He drew his wand and thought about the nights spent in Remus' arms in that tatty Muggle tent. He thought about the joy he'd seen in Remus' face when he had initiated a kiss for the first time. He thought about the simple pleasure he found in Remus' company, whether they spoke or not. He thought about Remus' promise to spend the rest of his life making Severus happy. He thought about that life and what it might be like-  
  
" _Expecto Patronum_!"  
  
-and a silvery mass shot out of the tip of his wand, coalescing into a lupine form, not faint at all, but strong and solid. Breathing a sigh of relief, he composed a message and sent it off to Hermione Granger, and as his patronus sped away, he rose to his feet and set about tending to Remus and the children as best he could. With any luck, Aurors would arrive shortly, but until then, he would do what he could to make sure there were no more losses that night.  



	20. Chapter 20

_Severus wandered along stone corridors for what seemed like ages; it didn't usually take him so long to find his dream lover; usually it was his lover who found him while he waited in sumptuous, exotic surroundings. The corridors were lit by torches held in iron sconces; they looked familiar, and eventually, he realized they reminded him of Hogwarts. Compared to his usual dreamscape, this was rather prosaic, but realizing where he was helped give him a direction.  
  
This was indeed Hogwarts, although it was most definitely a dream Hogwarts as there were no students in sight - a blessed relief. Severus wondered if he ought to go down to the dungeon where his office, classroom, and quarters were located, but something was urging him up, and he turned his steps toward the Defense classroom instead.  
  
The classroom itself was empty, but he looked to the back of the room and saw the office door was ajar, and a light flickered within. He crossed the room and mounted the short set of stairs leading up to the office; the door swung open wider of its own accord as if in invitation, and Severus stepped into the office, unsurprised to see his dream lover standing by the fireplace, his back to the door.  
  
"Here we are at last," his lover said without turning around. "Back again where it all began."  
  
"A rather odd place for a tryst," Severus replied, moving closer.  
  
"Is that what you really want?"  
  
Severus stopped just behind his lover, but he didn't reach out to touch him. He assumed being here meant the same thing would happen as always, but the thought didn't make him feel a surge of anticipation as usual. Instead, he felt restless and dissatisfied, and he shook his head even though he knew his lover couldn't see him. "No," he said softly. "I don't want it anymore."  
  
His lover turned, and to Severus' surprise, he was smiling. Severus lifted one hand and stroked the smooth, cool mask with his fingertips, and he was filled with a sense of utter certainty.  
  
He reached out with both hands and removed the mask. There, at last, was Remus' face, hidden from his sight no longer, and Remus' smile grew wider, his eyes full of tender affection.  
  
"You are empty and cold no longer," Remus whispered, echoing the words of the ghost in the Tower.  
  
The mask broke in Severus' hands, crumbling into dust-_  
  
\- and Severus awoke with a gasp, sitting up and staring blindly into the darkness of the room. For the first time since the dreams had begun, he hadn't awakened sweating, shaking, and aroused; rather, he felt at peace, as if something had finally fallen into place. It wasn't difficult to figure out what that something was.  
  
"Lumos."  
  
The lamp on the bedside table flared to life, and Severus reached for his pocket watch, not surprised to learn it was after one o'clock in the afternoon. It had taken most of the night to get matters sorted. Granger - Hermione - had apologized for it taking over an hour for the Aurors to arrive, which Severus didn't think was that long under the circumstances, but it had felt far longer while he sat in the middle of a dark forest with several frightened children, an unconscious werewolf, and three dead bodies.  
  
Once the Aurors and Hermione had arrived, the questioning began. Shacklebolt was the head of the team of Aurors, which gave Severus a twinge of dismay; their last encounter had not gone well, and he expected Shacklebolt to turn the questioning into an interrogation and perhaps even accuse him of being in league with Greyback, but to his surprise, Shacklebolt treated him with grudging respect, and there was a notable lack of accusations hurled at him this time around. Hermione, he thought, must have kept her word about making certain people knew of his part in returning Potter to the land of the waking while he and Remus were gone.  
  
The Aurors had brought a field Healer with them, and she examined the children and Remus and did what she could to treat the worst of the injuries before directing the Aurors to start taking them away. Severus watched two Aurors carefully levitating Remus onto a stretcher fastened between their brooms, a worried frown creasing his forehead. He disliked the thought of Remus being taken out of his care - out of his sight - but there was nothing he could do for Remus at this point.  
  
Instead, he had helped load the children into sidecars and the bodies onto stretchers. It gave him grim satisfaction to stare down into Greyback's dead face; this might have been Remus' battle to fight, but it had given Severus a renewed sense of purpose as well. There was still evil in the world, and he could still take a stand against it as he had done for the last twenty years. He hadn't lost his ability to protect and serve yet.  
  
When all that was done, Shacklebolt had approached him once more. "Snape." Shacklebolt nodded curtly, and Severus nodded back, too exhausted to do more. He hoped Shacklebolt wasn't going to do anything tiresome like drag him to the Ministry for official questioning; he wanted to go to St. Mungo's and make certain Remus was settled and safe. "You did a good thing in helping Remus track down Greyback and finding a way to wake up Harry. It seems some of us misjudged you."  
  
"Yes, you did," Severus replied, although there was no bitterness or vitriol in his voice; he was too tired for that, and he found he no longer cared as much as he once had. If the opinion of the world turned in his favor, well and good, but he had Remus' good opinion, and that was far more important to him.  
  
But rather than take insult, Shacklebolt had laughed and offered to fly Severus back to London himself. Pale pink and gold tendrils of light were creeping along the horizon by the time Shacklebolt dropped him off at St. Mungo's, and he only stayed long enough to make certain Remus and all the children were still alive and doing well, his departure hastened when the Healer attending Remus suggested he needed to be examined himself. He had no desire to subject himself to such an ordeal after his last experience at the hospital, and he had left quickly before the Healer could do anything about turning the suggestion into an order.  
  
He didn't consciously choose to return to Grimmauld Place rather than his own home; it was closer, and he hadn't confirmed that he could get into his house yet, and in the depths of his fatigue, he sought the nearest refuge he was certain of. He encountered no one once he entered the house, and he made his way to Remus' bedroom, collapsing on the bed without even undressing first.  
  
Now it was afternoon, and he felt better for having slept a few hours; he still felt stiff, sore, and sluggish, but he supposed at his age, it was normal to need a few days to recuperate after the two week ordeal he'd just been through. He didn't have the luxury of remaining in bed, however. The full moon would rise that night, and he had just enough time to brew the Wolfsbane Potion for Remus; even if Remus was still unconscious, Severus thought he could get enough of the potion down Remus' throat to keep his human mind intact that night. The children would be feral, however, and Severus wanted to return to St. Mungo's and find out what kind of arrangements were going to be made for them, especially if any of them would be transforming for the first time.  
  
He bathed and dressed in clean clothes, and when he felt as awake and presentable as he could possibly make himself, he went downstairs - and encountered Potter at the base of the stairs, seeming to be on his way up. Potter froze with his foot on the bottom step and stared up at Severus in obvious surprise, and Severus stopped short of the bottom step, waiting and gazing down at Potter with wary neutrality until he knew how Potter was going to react to him.  
  
"Snape." Potter nodded curtly and moved backward, stepping out of the way so Severus could finish his descent, and he did so, stopping again in the entrance hall. "Hermione says you're the one who created the spell that woke me up." There was a questioning note in Potter's voice as if he didn't quite believe it.  
  
Severus lifted his chin proudly. "I did. I suppose she also told you what kind of threat you and your dream manifestations were posing?"  
  
"Yeah, she told me." A slight flush rose in Potter's cheeks. "I didn't do it - any of it - on purpose," he added, glaring at Severus defiantly as if daring him to argue.  
  
"No doubt." On the surface, it was an agreement, but Severus injected a sneering undertone into his voice that implied disbelief. He didn't really think Potter had done any of it deliberately; Potter could barely manage Occlumency, much less control his mind enough to remain lucid in a curse-induced dream-state. But old habits died hard, and he couldn't resist the opportunity to needle Potter once more. "At any rate, the matter is resolved."  
  
"Yeah. Sorry about the Furies." Potter's tone implied that his remorse was minimal at best, but it was no less than Severus expected. "She also told me about you and Remus going after Greyback. It's in the morning paper, you know. They said you saved a bunch of kids." There was curiosity in Potter's eyes and something that looked like grudging respect.  
  
"Not in time to keep them from becoming werewolves, but in time to save their lives. Most of them, at any rate. Two were already dead when we arrived," Severus replied quietly. "Remus felt it was his duty to eliminate the threat Greyback posed. He fought and killed Greyback. I looked after the children. They are all currently at St. Mungo's. Remus was still unconscious when I left him last night, but I believe the children will be all right."  
  
"Except for having a furry little problem," Potter said, a wry smile quirking one side of his mouth.  
  
"Except for that, yes," Severus said dryly. "But they will be provided with the Wolfsbane Potion each month."  
  
Potter regarded him quizzically. "By who?"  
  
"By me." Severus drew himself up proudly. "If the Ministry won't do anything to make certain the potion is available, not even to children, then I will."  
  
Potter's expression turned shrewd then, and he studied Severus for a long, silent moment. "I remember Sirius used to call you Lucius Malfoy's lap dog, but you weren't, were you. You were Dumbledore's guard dog."  
  
Severus might have bristled had the words been any less true. Instead, he inclined his head to acknowledge the point. "That is one way of putting it."  
  
"Right. Well, Hermione said the house-elves that took over your house have disappeared along with the rest of the manifestations, but you can stay here if you like, since it's closer to the hospital." Potter hesitated, looking uncertain, and then he stuck out his hand.  
  
Severus stared at him blankly for a moment, not quite processing the gesture, but then he clasped Potter's hand in return; they shook and released each other's hand swiftly, and then Potter hurried off without another word, disappearing up the stairs, and Severus continued on to the kitchen to get something to eat before he began brewing the Wolfsbane Potion.  
  
He entered the kitchen to find Hermione offering some shredded ginger root on her open palm to Fawkes, who was picking up the bits of ginger with delicate care. He stopped when Severus walked in and let out a happy-sounding trill, abandoning his perch on the back of a chair to sit on Severus' shoulder instead. He rubbed his head against Severus' cheek, and Severus reached up to stroke him gently.  
  
"Good morning, professor," Hermione said, offering a hesitant smile. "Are you feeling all right?"  
  
"Aside from never wanting to look at another tent or sleeping bag again for the rest of my life, yes," he replied. "Thank you for taking care of Fawkes in my absence."  
  
"It wasn't any trouble." She dropped the remaining ginger root onto a small plate and picked up a copy of _The Daily Prophet_ that was lying on the counter, holding it up for him to see. The headlines blared the news about Greyback's death, and someone on the staff had managed to find photographs of Remus and Severus. Remus was, of course, smiling calmly in his, but Severus had the dubious pleasure of seeing himself scowling from the front page. "It's a remarkably unbiased report," she said, sounding pleased. "Although you'll definitely be viewed as a hero now," she added. "Everyone knows you helped wake up Harry, and now you helped save the lives of kidnapped children. I think things will be different for you."  
  
Severus nodded, although he wasn't certain he wanted to be a hero. At one time, he had craved acknowledgment, but now, all he really wanted to do was settle down in a peaceful life with Remus and brew potions. Being able to leave the house without fear of being accosted would be nice, but he didn't want to be in the spotlight. "Being lifted higher in the public's regard will be a pleasant change," he said at last.  
  
"As long as they don't expect you to lead any parades?" she asked, a teasing note in her voice.  
  
"Decidedly not."  
  
On Severus' shoulder, Fawkes ruffled his feathers and let out a soft trill, and then he lifted off and fluttered over to the window, where he perched on the sill and tapped at the window. He glanced back at Severus as if trying to send a silent message, and Severus thought he knew what it was.  
  
Fawkes was leaving.  
  
It made sense. Fawkes had come at a time when Severus was at his lowest, and he had helped Severus purge the festering grief and anger Severus had carried since the night of Albus' death. He had also prevented Severus from walking out of the house when the temptation to face the Furies again and end his life had become too great. He had served as guardian and companion, but now, Severus was better. Not whole and healed, but better. Severus had shattered, and while he had managed to piece himself back together, he was covered with cracks, dings, and imperfections that would never be made smooth and whole again. But he would go on. He _wanted_ to go on, and that was a vast improvement from the suicidal state he had been in when Fawkes arrived.  
  
"You're leaving," Severus murmured. "You won't be back."  
  
On the sill, Fawkes emitted a sad little chirp and tilted his head as if in acknowledgment.  
  
"Oh..." Hermione's hands flew to her mouth, and when Severus glanced at her, he saw tears in her eyes, but he saw no reason for sadness. Fawkes had given him a gift, and while he would never know how Fawkes had known to come to him, he was grateful nonetheless. Deep down, however, he had known Fawkes would not stay. Fawkes was not his; Fawkes had belonged - as much as any phoenix could ever belong to a human - to Albus, and it would probably be another lifetime before Fawkes attached himself to a human again.  
  
Instead, he strode over to the window. "Good-bye, then," he said, reaching out to stroke Fawkes' warm plumage one last time. "And thank you." With that, he opened the window, and with a joyous trill, Fawkes spread his wings and flew away. Severus stood and watched until Fawkes disappeared from sight, and only then did he close the window and turn away.  


* * *

  
  
It was growing late in the day by the time Severus returned to the hospital, but he had enough time to administer the potion before the full moon rose. He had hoped perhaps Remus would be awake by now, but the Healer on duty in Remus' ward informed him such was not the case, and he approached Remus' room with more than a little disappointment.  
  
Remus lay in bed, pale and still, and if it wasn't for the sight of his chest moving up and down in a steady rhythm, Severus might have feared he was dead. Severus moved to stand beside his bed and gazed down at him; Greyback's claws had left marks on Remus' face, and there were others elsewhere on Remus' body that Severus couldn't see, but he remembered the map of Remus' wounds from that fight. He set the stoppered vial containing the Wolfsbane potion on the bedside table and lifted his hand to trace the still-healing scratches lightly. Dittany would help, but he knew the scars would never go away. He didn't care. His own face and body were scarred by the Furies' whips, and besides, it would take much more than a few scars to make Remus unattractive in his eyes.  
  
"Remaining in a state of unconsciousness will not get you off the hook," Severus murmured, smoothing Remus' hair back from his face. "I still intend to hold you to the promises you made, so you may as well wake up - sooner rather than later, if you please."  
  
He spent a few minutes making certain that Remus was as comfortable as he could be considering he was insensible to the world; only when he was satisfied that Remus was doing as well as could be expected after engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a feral werewolf and taking damage from a silver knife did he carefully lift Remus and cradle him close, tipping Remus' head back so he could get enough of the potion down Remus' throat to keep him safe and sane that night.  
  
He informed the staff that if Remus regained consciousness before the moon rose, he would not need to be locked away or restrained due to the potion, which seemed to give them relief. No doubt it was good to know they would not have to be responsible for containing an adult werewolf along with several little ones. The children were in a ward of their own; it was a secure ward that could - and would - be locked, thus they would be contained while they were transformed. Severus left letters with the Healer in charge of that ward, one for each child's parents or guardians that offered an explanation of what the Wolfsbane Potion was and information on how to contact him in order to have it delivered each month, free of charge.  
  
"I'll see to it they're delivered, Mr. Snape," the Healer replied, and then she shook her head and breathed a regretful sigh. "Although it may be a difficult matter for one of them. Seems the boy's parents were killed by that awful monster, and we can't find anyone in his family willing to take him." She frowned in obvious disapproval. "I understand the difficulties involved in raising a werewolf, but it isn't right that he should be sent to an orphanage because of it."  
  
"Which one is he?"  
  
"His name is Rob," she replied. "He's one of the younger ones, only six years old. It's a miracle he survived that young, really."  
  
"Is he the one with brownish-blond hair?"  
  
She beamed at him and nodded. "The very one!"  
  
Severus' heart sank. This boy - Rob - was the first they'd met, the one who bit Remus' hand and whom Severus had been forced to stun before he could escape and warn the rest of the pack. Severus had carried him and guarded him, and he remembered thinking the boy reminded him of what Remus must have looked like at that age. But melancholy was quickly replaced by indignant anger that no one in the boy's family was willing to step forward and take responsibility for him just because he was a werewolf. Perhaps they were afraid of him or perhaps they simply didn't want the responsibility of caring for a child with such needs and limitations, but whatever the reason, Severus disdained them for it.  
  
"May I see him?" he asked, scarcely aware he was going to ask the question before the words were out of his mouth.  
  
"Of course."  
  
The Healer led him to a large room with several beds, most of which were filled - or rather, which would be filled if there weren't children chasing each other or playing games in the middle of the floor. They raced to the door when Severus walked in, greeting him with smiles, and some of the younger children grabbed hold of his arms, seeming to want contact even though they had learned the night before that he was not the type of grown-up who dispensed hugs or cuddles. He greeted each of them and answered their questions about "the good wolf", and he made solemn promises to tell Remus that they wished him well.  
  
Once the furor of excitement died down and they drifted back to whatever they had been doing before he arrived, Severus made his way over to the boy the Healer had identified as Rob, who was sitting on his bed and putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Severus sat down on one end of the bed and watched him silently for a few moments.  
  
"The Healer said Greyback killed your parents," he said. It was not the most tactful of conversation openers, but Severus didn't care to mince words. Rob glanced up at him and nodded somberly. "Were either of them able to perform magic?" Again, he was answered with a somber nod. "Good." That the boy was not a Muggle made things easier. "Had you ever met a werewolf before Greyback?" This time, Rob shook his head, and Severus felt a pang of sympathy. Werewolves were stigmatized enough in their society without the problems inherent in someone's first exposure to them being a psychotic monster.  
  
He paused, considering what he wanted to say and how best to say it, and when he spoke again, his voice was quiet and solemn. "Not all werewolves are like Greyback. He was the only werewolf like that - a true monster. You are a werewolf now, but it does not mean you will become like him. Werewolves are not monsters, and they need not be beasts. It is your choice. Do you understand?"  
  
Rob watched him silently for a moment, and then he nodded. "Can I be like the good wolf instead?"  
  
"His name is Remus," Severus replied, "and if you choose to be like him, it will be a good choice indeed."  
  
Putting his puzzle aside, Rob scooted closer to Severus and pressed against his side as if seeking comfort, and after a moment's hesitation, Severus slid his arm around the boy's shoulders. It seemed he had little resistance when it came to werewolves with honey-blond hair and golden eyes if they came to him wanting cuddles.  
  
"Healer said I might have to go to an orph'nage," Rob whispered, gazing up at Severus with troubled eyes. "Ev'rybody else is going home with someone, but not me. Why doesn't anyone want to take me home with them?"  
  
"Because they're stupid," Severus said firmly. "There is nothing wrong with you."  
  
"Do you like werewolves?" Rob's expression turned inquisitive, his eyes widening.  
  
"I didn't like Greyback," Severus said. "Other werewolves, though... yes." Which was true. He didn't have to admit he had only ever known one; perhaps how much he did like Remus made up for his lack of knowing any others.  
  
"Can _you_ take me home with you?" Rob turned those wide, appealing eyes on him again. "I'd be safe with you."  
  
A hundred reasons why he couldn't rushed to Severus' lips. He had no experience with children as young as Rob, and he had certainly never seen himself in a parental role outside of his duties as Head of Slytherin, which was parental-ish now that he thought on it. But with his mental health as tenuous as it was, he was not the best person to take on the burden of child care, and he wasn't financially prepared to support a child, either. Then there was the matter of whether he would even be allowed to take Rob as a ward. Perhaps with his new status as a "hero", he might have a better chance, but there was no guarantee.  
  
In short, he knew it was madness even to consider it.  
  
"I'll do my best."  


* * *

  
  
The morning sun peeked in through the blinds covering his window, but Remus was already awake. He had been, ever since transforming back to human after a full-moon night he must have spent mostly unconscious. He had only vague memories of shifting into lupine form, but he had been fully aware of the transformation back. It had been just as painful as it always was, but Severus must have somehow given him the last dose of Wolfsbane, for he _could_ remember it.  
  
The major difference about this transformation, however, from every other in Remus' life, was that he knew with utter certainty that Greyback hadn't shared it.  
  
A smile of grim satisfaction curved Remus' lips. He was sore, and he knew he was still healing from some severe wounds, but it had been worth it to insure Greyback's destruction. After over thirty years of cursing Greyback silently after every full moon, Remus finally felt a sense of peace. There was no guilt, no second guessing, no wondering if what he had done was right. He had killed, taken another life, and he knew with no uncertainty whatsoever that he'd done the right thing, perhaps one of the best things he'd done in his life.  
  
The beam of sunlight moved further across the blanket, and Remus suddenly didn't want to remain in the bed one minute longer. He needed to find out how long he had been unconscious. He needed to know what had happened to the children Greyback had turned. He needed, most of all, to find Severus and to make certain Severus hadn't been repulsed by the fight and saw Remus as a monster once again.  
  
Throwing back the covers, Remus twisted until his feet were over the side of the bed, and then he scooted to the edge. It hurt a surprising amount, as though every muscle in his body were screaming at him, but he gritted his teeth and ignored it. He placed his feet on the floor, then levered himself upright, swaying slightly but managing to find his balance. Smiling with accomplishment, he stepped forward, looking around for where they would have put his clothing.  
  
Severus left Grimmauld Place and arrived at the hospital bright and early, heading straight for Remus' room rather than stopping to ask the Healer on duty how things had gone overnight; he wanted to check on Remus himself before getting the official report. When he walked into the room and saw Remus swaying unsteadily on his feet, his first reaction was one of relief that Remus was awake - but it was followed hard upon by annoyance that Remus was exerting himself, likely without permission.  
  
"What the devil do you think you are doing, Lupin?" he demanded, bracing his fists on his hips. "Get back in that bed _now_ , or I will put you back in it myself. If there is something you need, tell me, and I will fetch it."  
  
The sight of Severus caused Remus to pause, and then he smiled widely, taking a step toward Severus and holding out his arms. "What I need most is right here." His eyes ran over Severus' body as he assured himself of Severus' wellbeing. "You're not hurt, are you? Have you been taking care of yourself?"  
  
Severus rolled his eyes. Damned werewolves and their constant cuddling. He knew he would have to get used to it, however, and considering Remus was recuperating from grievous wounds, he supposed it wouldn't hurt to indulge Remus this time. Thus he crossed the room and moved into Remus' embrace, feeling himself release the tension of worrying whether Remus would be all right or not at last as Remus wound both arms around him and held him close. He slid his arms around Remus in return, breathing a quiet sigh of relief at the reassurance that Remus was alive and well.  
  
"I am fine," he said. "All I needed was sleep. I was unharmed in the encounter. The children did not fight me once Greyback was dead; they were happy to be rescued and returned to their families."  
  
"Good," Remus said distractedly. He was far more interested in the feeling of Severus in his arms and the way Severus was returning the embrace. It feel good - it felt _right_ \- and Remus relaxed, closing his eyes and burying his face against Severus' neck, breathing in Severus' spicy scent. "Over... it's all over, Severus. At last. Harry's better, and Greyback is dead. You're safe at last - no Furies, nothing to threaten you ever again. The shadows are gone now, aren't they? We can finally close the door on the past and let the future begin."  
  
"Yes." Severus tightened his arms around Remus, drawing strength and comfort from the feel of Remus' warm, firm body in his embrace. "It is over, and we are both safe and alive. It is time to look to the future." He drew back and fixed Remus with a stern look. "And you have promises to keep."  
  
Remus gave a lopsided smile. "I do indeed," he said, lifting one hand to lay it against Severus' cheek. "And I fully intend to keep every one of them. Thank you, Severus. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for understanding and believing in me. I'm going to do everything in my power for the rest of my life to make certain you are happy."  
  
"Fine." Severus' expression grew even more stern. "But you will have to wait until after you have been released to start. For now - back to bed!" he demanded, pulling away from the embrace and pointing inexorably to the bed.  
  
Remus tried to look sheepish, but the gleam in his eye belied the contrite expression. He couldn't resist pressing his lips to Severus', briefly but firmly, before turning back around and heading toward the bed. He sat down on the edge with a sigh, then lifted his feet onto the mattress and reclined back against the pillow. "Yes, Severus," he said meekly. "Is this what the future holds, then? Me being bossed around by you? Not that I mind, you know. I am just curious."  
  
Severus went to sit on the side of the bed and captured one of Remus' hands, holding it between both his own. He lowered his gaze to their joined hands, considering Remus' question and how to answer in light of the realizations he had come to over the past couple of days. "These are things I do not wish to discuss in a public area where Healers may walk in at any time," he said quietly. "But we will need to discuss them. For now, suffice to say I will only be bossy when the need arises - such as when you are recuperating from serious injuries," he added, glancing up and giving Remus another stern look, albeit a brief one.  
  
"All right," Remus replied, tightening his grip on Severus' hand. He longed to know what was on Severus' mind, but he understood quite well that some things needed to be discussed in private, in a place where they wouldn't be interrupted. He might have worried that Severus had decided he didn't need Remus any longer, save for the way Severus had embraced him and the way he had reminded Remus of his promises. "Where are the healers, then? I want them to let me out of here as soon as possible."  
  
At that moment the door opened, and a middle-aged man in Healer's robes stepped inside. "Good to see you're awake, Mr. Lupin," he said, crossing toward the bed. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Fine," Remus said, glancing toward Severus and smiling somewhat coyly. "A bit sore, maybe a little dizzy, but nothing too bad."  
  
"I caught him trying to walk on his own, and he could barely manage it," Severus said, giving Remus a reproachful look. As much as he wanted Remus to be released from the hospital, he did not want it to be done prematurely. If Remus needed another day of bed rest, Severus meant to make certain he got it.  
  
"Hmmm... somehow I'm not surprised," the Healer said, crossing to the foot of the bed so that he could look over Remus' chart. Then he drew his wand and made a few passes which caused various areas of Remus' body to glow briefly in shades of green or red. "Well, Mr. Lupin, I have to say that you're a very lucky man. Your internal injuries are healing nicely, and the more mundane things such as the cracked ribs are completely healed. You still need to take it easy for a few days, especially given the added strain of the transformation, but I see no reason that you couldn't go home today. Just don't go handling any more silver knives, if you can help it; we healed the injury to your palm, but you came closer than you know to losing that hand completely."  
  
"Today?" Remus smiled widely. "That's great! How soon can I leave?"  
  
"After lunch, I think," the Healer replied. "Although you might find that you prefer the quiet here. You're quite the hero, you know. Both of you are, for killing Greyback and rescuing those children. You're probably going to have reporters looking for you."  
  
"The news was on the front page of _The Daily Prophet_ ," Severus said, nodding to corroborate the Healer's words. "We might be asked for interviews. Are you certain you are up to facing that?" He gave Remus' hand a little squeeze. "I will stay here with you for as long as you remain," he added in a softer voice, pitched for Remus' ears rather than the Healer's.  
  
"I can face anything if you're with me," Remus said, his voice equally soft as he returned the pressure of Severus' hand. It didn't matter if they had to fight their way out past hordes of Rita Skeeters; there was nothing that was going to stop him from leaving. He turned back to the Healer and nodded. "I want to go. No offense, you know, but I'm not fond of hospitals. I'll be more comfortable at home."  
  
"Very well, then," the Healer replied, then moved back toward the door. "I'll have my assistant write up a set of instructions for you and draw up some potions from the apothecary for you to take home. You'll need clothing, too, unless you want to walk out of here in that gown. The clothes you were wearing had to be discarded; you managed to get them torn to shreds. But at least they saved a little wear and tear on your skin in the process."  
  
With a chuckle, the Healer departed, and Remus gave a sigh. "Excellent. Just a few more hours, and I'll be free," he said, his lips curving upward. "The question is... where do we go from here? Back to Grimmauld Place? Or have you managed to see if your place is still intact after the invasion?"  
  
"I haven't been back to my house since our return," Severus said. "But I have been assured that the manifestation of militant house-elves has disappeared along with all the rest. I don't know in what condition they left the place, but considering they were still house-elves, it couldn't be too bad." He ducked his head, suddenly shy as he spoke aloud the desire of his heart. "I would like you to return there with me. It will be quiet there, and we will have privacy. I think..." He paused and cleared his throat, unaccustomed to saying such things. "I think we could turn it into a home."  
  
Remus drew in a breath, his eyes full of tenderness as he felt his heart melting. Severus had no idea how appealing he was in his shy uncertainty, and the fact that he wanted to make a home with Remus made Remus want to shout with joy. After all they had been through, all the doubts and pain, all the fear and suffering, it appeared that things were finally working out for them at last. Severus wanted to live, and he wanted to do it with Remus. There was absolutely nothing in the universe, Remus thought, that could make him happier than he felt at this moment.  
  
"I think we could, too," Remus replied, tugging on Severus' hand and urging him down. "I want that more than anything, you know. I don't care where we are, though, so long as I am with you."  
  
Severus breathed out a small sigh of relief. Not that he expected Remus to repudiate him all of a sudden, but for someone who was unaccustomed to anything to do with relationships, it was nerve-wracking nonetheless to make such a confession. At Remus' urging, he leaned over and dared to brush a swift kiss to Remus' lips. "That means I should return to Grimmauld Place and pack our things. I will take everything home and bring you a change of clothes. But," he added, frowning slightly, "you must promise to behave and rest once we are home."  
  
Home. It was a word that had held little meaning for him before, but he found he liked saying it now that it meant sharing his house and his life with Remus.  
  
Remus was so happy, he didn't even want to argue, although he regretted that the kiss was so fleeting. Still, there would be time for more later - much more, he hoped. "I promise," he said, solemnly making a cross over his heart. "I will behave, if it means I get to go home with you."  
  
"Good." Severus nodded, satisfied, and he stood up, although he didn't release Remus' hand right away. "Then I will go and prepare for your arrival. Is there anything outside of your bedroom I should pack? Do you have any garments in particular you would like me to bring back?"  
  
"Everything I have is in my room, and if I've forgotten something, I can get it later," Remus replied. He stroked his thumb over the back of Severus' hand, his eyes glinting. "As far as garments, I don't particularly care. Anything is fine. I'm far more interested in where I will be going than what I will wear when I get there."  
  
A little shiver rippled down Severus' spine at the feel of Remus' thumb caressing his hand, but now was not the time for distractions. He squeezed Remus' hand and released it, and he moved away from Remus' side with reluctance. "Very well, then. I will return as soon as I can. In the meantime, I hope you will remain in bed and not attempt to exert yourself."  
  
"I'll behave myself, never fear. I have an enticement for being good," Remus replied. He laid back against the pillow and pulled the covers up to his chin. "See? I promise I won't move from this spot before you return unless absolutely necessary. How does that sound?"  
  
"That is acceptable," Severus replied, amused despite himself by Remus' antics. "I am certain I can arrange for a suitable reward for good behavior," he added, and with that, he turned and exited the room, a sense of excitement and anticipation unlike anything he had ever experienced before making his steps lighter as he walked away.

* * *

By the time Remus had dressed in the clothing Severus had brought, he knew for certain that he wasn't quite up to par, but he didn't care. A day or two of rest would take care of that; the important thing was that he was getting out of the hospital and going _home_. Home being, to him, any place where Severus was, whether it be a house or a shack or a tent in the woods - although he suspected from the grumbling that Severus would object vehemently to the latter option.  
  
The Healer's instructions and the bottles of potions had been packed into a box and shrunken down to fit in a pocket, and Remus smiled widely as he put an arm around Severus' waist and urged him toward the door. He didn't care who saw them or what they might have to say on the matter; he was never going to let go of Severus, no matter what happened. "Let's go home," he murmured, his lips close to Severus' ear. "I stayed in bed all that time you were gone, and I'm ready for my reward for being a good little wolf."  
  
Severus followed Remus' lead, no less eager to leave the hospital than Remus was, although he was determined to make certain Remus rested once they got home. "Your reward is ready," he replied, "although it may not be what you want most. I went to the pub not far from my - our - house. They had rabbit stew as the daily special, and I bought some for lunch. I also found a bakery and bought a small cake."  
  
His words in describing the events were matter-of-fact, but that outing had been the first time he had gone shopping on his own since the end of the war. He had even stopped at the grocer's, and as a result, there was roast beef with onions, carrots, and potatoes cooking in the oven for dinner.  
  
He had gone through the entire house to make certain everything was as he had left it, and he had found nothing missing or out of place. After assuring himself all was well, he had taken Remus' things upstairs and cleared out space in the dresser and wardrobe, and he unpacked and put away all of Remus' things; if Remus wanted to move things around later, he could, but Severus didn't want him to exert himself by unpacking, and he also wanted Remus to feel as if he were returning to an established home by having his things already in place.  
  
After that, he prepared the roast beef and put it in the oven, and he left the rabbit stew on the stove to keep warm, and then he was ready to return to the hospital and fetch Remus. He felt rather proud of himself for going out on his own; it had been odd and a little overwhelming at first, and he had found himself watchful and wary, but as he went to each destination in turn and nothing bad happened, he began to relax and enjoy the novelty of leading a normal life again.  
  
"It sounds fantastic! You didn't have to go to so much trouble, but I have to say it's definitely a very large and enticing reward," Remus said, nuzzling against Severus' cheek with gentle affection. Severus was being incredibly thoughtful, and Remus was touched that Severus would go to so much trouble for him.  
  
Pulling back slightly, Remus gave a somewhat crooked smile. "Do you feel like you could Apparate us?" he asked. "I'm not quite certain of myself with magic so soon after the moon, and with the injuries... well, I'd hate to splinch myself. It would be very embarrassing!"  
  
"Yes, I can manage it," Severus replied, warmed but a little shy over the nuzzling. Casual physical affection was still new to him, and public physical affection was something he would definitely have to get accustomed to.  
  
Once they were in the corridor, Severus flagged down a passing Healer and asked where the nearest Apparition point was. Apparating within the hospital was allowed in case of emergencies, but only in designated areas. Fortunately, the nearest area was nearby, and they didn't have far to walk to reach it. Once there, Severus slid his arm around Remus' shoulder and side-along Apparated them both back to a safe, concealed area near the house. It was only a short walk, but Severus was glad to reach the house before Remus' strength and energy wore out.  
  
"I have unpacked your things," he said as he guided Remus inside and toward the stairs, closing the door behind them, but no longer paranoid about making certain the door was closed and locked; the wards were still in place, and he trusted they would suffice now that the threat of the Furies attacking him was gone. "You may move them around, of course, but I thought it would be easier if you did not have to worry about unpacking while you recuperated."  
  
Remus went willingly toward the stairs, surprised by how tired he felt after only the short walk. He was amazed by how much Severus had gotten done in the time he'd been away that morning. "Thank you," he said as they entered the bedroom. His brush was on the dresser, and his clothes were hanging in the wardrobe, visible thanks to the door being ajar. The sight was a welcoming one indeed, and it warmed his heart to see further evidence that Severus was accepting him whole-heartedly into his life. "It feels like home already."  
  
"Good," Severus said quietly, pleased his plan had succeeded.  
  
Drawing his wand, he turned back the covers with a flick of his wrist, and then he went to the dresser to fetch a pair of Remus' pajamas. "I will bring your lunch on a tray while you change. You need to rest, so if there is anything else you want or need, tell me, and I will bring it up."  
  
"Thank you, Severus," Remus said, taking the pajamas. He stepped closer, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "Will you promise to tuck me into bed?"  
  
"Yes, but I draw the line at spoon-feeding you," Severus retorted tartly.  
  
With that, he turned and went back downstairs to prepare lunch. As he moved around the kitchen, ladling rabbit stew into two bowls and toasting a couple of pieces of bread to go with it for lack of anything else in his depleted larder, he thought about the shift in dynamic that had occurred. It wasn't so long ago that Remus was making soup and trying to coax him into eating, and now it was his turn to take care of Remus. It was, he thought, a small way to repay Remus for taking care of him and returning his will to live; once, he never would have imagined being grateful for that, but now, he had a far different outlook on life.  
  
He made a pot of tea and added a couple of mugs to the tray, deciding they would be easier to fit with everything else than cups and saucers, and then he returned to the bedroom.  
  
Remus had changed swiftly into his pajamas and crawled into the bed, pulling the covers up to his waist. It wasn't that he felt physically shy around Severus, not at all; in fact, after the weeks of camping out together, he'd not have minded forgoing clothing completely for the joy of feeling Severus next to him, skin on skin, even if they didn't make love. That, he knew, was another thing they needed to address, but Remus was willing to be patient for however long it took for Severus to feel comfortable with the thought of physical intimacy. Severus had let him into his life, after all... the rest would follow in its own time.  
  
When the door opened, Remus smiled at the sight of Severus with the tray. His stomach rumbled as he caught the scent of the stew, and he chuckled. "I was going to say that I was glad to see you, but it seems my stomach has decided to speak for me."  
  
"Little wonder. Hospital food is hardly appetizing." Severus carried the tray over to the bedside table and set it down, and then he drew his wand and conjured a bed tray on Remus' lap before transferring a bowl of stew, a small plate with the toasted bread, and a mug of hot tea along with utensils and a napkin to it. "There. If you eat your lunch, you may have cake," he said as he conjured another bed tray for himself and settled on the other side of the bed beside Remus, feeling as if his own appetite was stronger than it usually was.  
  
"That's certainly true," Remus replied, making a small frown of distaste. He waited until Severus was settled next to him, then picked up his spoon and took a bite of the stew. "Oh, this is excellent! Of course, it's the first thing I've had to eat that wasn't cooked over a fire or hospital food in far too long, but it really is very good." He ate another bite, and another, savoring the rich taste and knowing the protein would help him to heal. He glanced at Severus, flushing slightly. "Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude; it's just that tasty. You'll have to show me where you got it; if their other dishes are this good, I could see becoming a steady customer."  
  
"Certainly," Severus replied with a nod. "The pub is within walking distance. I remember eating there with my parents as a child. I liked the rabbit stew back then, too." He ate a few more bites of his own stew, and then he glanced sidelong at Remus. "Are you sleepy?" he asked. "I don't want to overtax your energy, but if you are not too tired, there are matters we should discuss."  
  
"I'm not sleepy at all," Remus said, putting down his spoon and smiling encouragingly at Severus. No doubt Severus wanted to lay ground rules, and Remus was fine with that. For all that Severus had accepted Remus into his life, Remus knew that Severus probably needed space and privacy. They hadn't had much of either while hunting Greyback, and for all that those had been special circumstances, he knew Severus might need some solitude to make up for it. "What did you want to talk about?"  
  
Severus hesitated, debating which topic to bring up first, and in the end, he decided to discuss the possibility of making Rob their ward first. "I don't know how much you learned about the children we rescued from Greyback," he began slowly, toying with the crust of his toast. "Most of them came from Wizarding families, but there were two Muggle families that were rather shell-shocked about the whole thing as well. I gave all of them information on how to contact me, and I offered to brew the Wolfsbane Potion for the children free of charge. Not a wise decision, I suppose, considering my own financial situation, but they have enough obstacles facing them, and the Ministry will be of no help."  
  
Remus' eyes widened as he listened to Severus. To his shame, he'd not thought of the children at all since waking up, and here Severus, who wasn't at all fond of children, had already been making arrangements to assist Greyback's victims. His throat felt tight, and Remus reached over to lay a hand on top of Severus'. "Oh, Severus," he said huskily. "That's the most generous thing I've ever heard of. I'll help in any way I can - and I'll see what I can do to find the money, no matter what it takes. You're incredible, you know that? You never cease to amaze me."  
  
Severus ducked his head, scowling a little with embarrassment; compliments and praise were two more things he would have to grow accustomed to, it seemed. "You may not think so when you hear what else I want to do." He looked up, meeting Remus' gaze. "There was a boy - Rob - whose parents were murdered by Greyback. So far, no one wants to take responsibility for him, and if they cannot find a relation or guardian willing to take him, he will be sent to an orphanage. I want to take care of him. I want you to help me."  
  
"You..." Remus stared at Severus, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to wrap his mind around what Severus was saying. A child - a young werewolf - and _Severus_ wanted to take care of him? It was hard to believe, but Severus was looking at him steadily, and Remus saw no doubt in Severus' dark eyes. "A child? Are you sure that's what you want to do? Not that I don't think it's an incredibly wonderful thing to want to do, but..." Remus shrugged, feeling at a bit of a loss. "You never seemed to like children or teaching, is all. You've changed your mind?"  
  
"I confess I have little experience with children as young as he is," Severus admitted, distracting himself with a sip of tea. "But it isn't that I dislike children per se, just certain frustrating children. I don't know." He shook his head and gazed into the depths of his mug. "I think perhaps it is a mad thing to do, but he has no one else, and you and I are well-equipped for raising a werewolf child." He glanced at Remus, questioning and uncertain. "And he _asked_. I found it impossible to say no outright."  
  
The sight of Severus looking uncertain tore at Remus' heart. He tightened his hand on Severus' reassuringly. "No, you're right, we are well-equipped for it, and if the poor lad has no one, it's only right that we do it. If they allow us to, that is." Remus' mouth hardened. "I'm still not sure the Ministry will do what is in any werewolf's best interest."  
  
Still, the more he thought about it, the more the idea appealed to Remus. He'd long known that he would never have any children of his own, and he truly did like them; it was one reason he enjoyed teaching so much. This child must be special if Severus had taken a liking to him, as must be the case. If Severus had taken a dislike to the boy, he never would have considered offering him a home. "Well, then, if it all works out, it looks like we'll be having a family," he said, his eyes suddenly dancing with amusement. "At least no one is holding a wand on me and marching us both down to the Ministry for a hasty wedding, as I've heard is traditional in these cases."  
  
Severus gave a derisive snort at that, but he turned over his hand beneath Remus' and laced their fingers, grateful that Remus hadn't dismissed the idea entirely. "There are a great many variables to consider, of course," he said. "You are correct in thinking the Ministry might not allow us to take him as our ward. For that matter, the two of you might not get on, but I am not terribly concerned on that point. He referred to you as 'the good wolf' and said he would feel safe with us."  
  
"The good wolf?" Remus blinked in surprise. He'd not considered how the children would regard him in light of his having killed Greyback, but if they had feared and hated Greyback as much as he had as a child, they probably would consider him "good" for what he'd done. He sighed, squeezing Severus' hand. "I'm glad he would feel safe with us, but that's definitely a big responsibility to live up to, isn't it? How old is he, do you know? He's going to have a lot of adjustments to make, poor boy. And it's going to be harder for him without his own parents to help him."  
  
"Yes, it will be difficult, but perhaps having a positive role model will help," Severus replied. "He is six years old. Do you remember the boy we encountered in the woods - the one who bit you? That is he."  
  
"It is?" Remus remembered the child well, and he unconsciously rubbed his thumb against the palm of his free hand, the location of the bite. The boy had been small, and Remus recalled feeling sick at heart for the poor wee lad. "Yes, I do remember him," he continued, raising a brow at Severus, a smile curving his lips. "Is that why he caught your attention, then? Because he bit me? He's a spirited one, I'll bet."  
  
"That he bit you did set him apart from the rest," Severus said archly. "He is a fighter, and that will serve him well. I would dislike to think of his spirit being quelled thanks to being shuffled off to an orphanage and being made to feel unwanted."  
  
"Yes, that would be horrible on top of him having been bitten and Greyback killing his parents," Remus said softly. He nodded, determined that he would do whatever he could to make this happen. "We'll do it, and if we run into any problems with the Ministry, we can ask Hermione for help. Or Harry, perhaps, if he's inclined to give it. I should go see him, anyway."  
  
"I have seen him," Severus said, turning his attention back to his stew. "He seems well." He paused and glanced sidelong at Remus. "We met with an unusual lack of hostilities."  
  
"Did you?" Remus gazed at Severus thoughtfully. "Well, I'm glad of that, for both your sakes, and I'm glad he's all right. I'll owl him in a day or two, perhaps. After we get settled in."  
  
Picking up his mug, Remus took a sip of tea. "So, was there anything else on your mind?" he asked, the corner of his lips twitching slightly. "Should I prepare myself for something completely shocking, like you deciding that you want to go back and teach at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Hardly!" Severus shook his head vehemently. With a wave of his hand, he levitated his bed tray out of the way and shifted to sit facing Remus, drawing in a deep breath as he braced himself to broach a far more personal topic, one that would be difficult for him to voice aloud. "There is one other thing," he said slowly. "I suppose it is obvious by now that I have decided I want to be with you, but I had a great deal of time to think over the past couple of days, and I have come to a realization."  
  
Something about the way Severus phrased the announcement sent a chill down Remus' spine, and he wondered suddenly if Severus was going to say that he didn't want them to be any more intimate than they had already been. That would be difficult, but if Severus felt that way, Remus would have to accept it. There was no way he would ever force himself on Severus, no matter how much he longed for them to be lovers in the fullest sense of the word.  
  
He sat down his mug, and then he moved his tray to the table beside the bed. He turned as well, his expression somewhat pensive as he faced Severus. "I want to be with you too, Severus," he said softly. "And I'm prepared to do it on any terms that you feel you need. I love you, and nothing is going to change that."  
  
"What I need..." One side of Severus' mouth quirked up slightly. "That is what I wish to discuss." He hesitated, trying to decide how best to begin. "You must understand," he said at last, "that I have enacted a certain pattern over and over in my life. It began with my father. I wanted his affection and approval, and I did whatever I thought would please him in order to earn it, but I never did. I did the same thing with the Dark Lord and with Albus. I realized that I have always craved one thing: to belong to someone. I need it, and I believe one reason why I fell so low after the war was that I was adrift with no strong anchor. Then you came along."  
  
He reached for Remus' hand again and stroked the back of it gently. "You woke up that need the day you picked me up and pushed me against the wall, but I fought it tooth and nail. Now, however, I accept it. I need to belong to you, but the thought no longer frightens me because you are the first man who has ever taken me in hand out of love."  
  
Remus' breath caught as Severus spoke, and his heart thudded painfully in his chest. Severus had been so ill-used his whole life, not just by Voldemort but by Albus as well. He'd been nothing but a pawn, a tool, and it wasn't fair. It had nearly destroyed him, but now... now he was showing so much trust in Remus that it hurt, while at the same time, it made him want to shout with joy. "Oh, Severus," he said, reaching out with a trembling hand to cradle Severus' cheek. "You can't imagine how it makes me feel to hear you say that. I know how horrible it has been for you in the past, but I swear it will never be like that with me. And not just because I love you. Don't you know that I belong to you, too? We can belong to each other, then. Always."  
  
"Always," Severus murmured, leaning against Remus' hand, the touch a soothing balm. He was relieved that Remus had understood and accepted what he said, and it allowed him to release that last little bit of apprehension that was holding him back. Greyback was dead, Remus was all right, and they were going to be together. Somehow, things had turned out well for him after all.  
  
Leaning forward, Remus pressed his lips to Severus', sealing the promise between them. He stroked Severus' cheek with his thumb, relishing the contact and the sense of completion and peace he felt. Severus wanted to belong to him, as he belonged to Severus. No doubt they would face obstacles in their future, but at least they would always face them together.  
  
He pulled back slightly, leaning his forehead against Severus' and smiling joyfully at him. "And here I was worried that you'd realized you didn't want me," he murmured, then shivered slightly. "Instead you've made me happier than I ever thought I could be."  
  
Severus gave a quiet snort, but he remained with his forehead against Remus' rather than pulling away, drawing comfort from the contact. "I would question your sanity, but I have no desire to drive you away. If you are willing to accept me as damaged as I am, I will not argue or fight it any longer."  
  
"I accept you as you are, no matter what," Remus replied. "If that makes me mad, then I revel in it." Slowly, he moved his hand down Severus' neck, and when he spoke again, his voice was a throaty growl. "You know that I've been having a hard time keeping my hands off you, don't you? Is that going to be a problem? I'll wait as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable, but I don't want you to doubt for a moment that I want you."  
  
A shiver rippled down Severus' spine at the sound of the growl, and his breathing quickened as he gazed into Remus' eyes and saw desire - for him! - in those golden depths. "I do not doubt it, and it is not a problem," he murmured, feeling heat rising in his face, but it was only in part due to embarrassment. "I realized those like Greyback are the true filth of the world, careless with life and focused only on chaos and destruction." A tiny, wry smile tugged the corners of his mouth. "Potter called me Dumbledore's guard dog. I have, like such a servant, performed violent and ruthless acts. I have made mistakes, and I have stains on my soul, but I no longer feel irredeemably soiled."  
  
"We've all made mistakes," Remus said, sliding his hand behind Severus' neck, feeling the warmth of his skin. The steady beat of Severus' pulse was there against his fingers, and Remus stroked over it lightly. "We're human, after all. Or mostly human in my case." Remus smiled crookedly. "You deserve happiness as much as anyone else. No matter what you've done, you've more than made up for it. Now is the time to go forward, right? The past is over and done. All we can do is go on from here and try to do the best we can. And accept the little joys we find along the way."  
  
Severus reached up and curled his fingers loosely around Remus' wrist, not to pull his hand away but to strengthen the contact between them. "I am prepared to move forward at last."  
  
Remus' heart leapt, and his golden eyes glowed with happiness. "I feel like you just offered me the entire world on a platter," he said softly. "Oh, Severus, I want to make you happy. I want to show you just how wonderful you can feel, to hear you crying out with joy and fulfillment. I want to give you everything of which you've ever dreamed."  
  
"Considering the kind of dreams I've had, that is a fairly tall order," Severus replied, a hint of tartness in his voice to cover up the uncertainty he always felt when it came to sex and his own sexuality. "Fortunately, those dreams have stopped. I dreamt that I removed the mask from your face at last. It crumbled, and you said the same words as the ghost in the Tower, but they were meant differently. I haven't dreamed of a lover, masked or otherwise, since. I suppose that means they are over and done with as well."  
  
"Really?" Remus pulled back so that he could look at Severus directly, although he didn't move his hand. "Maybe that's your mind telling you you're ready," he said, his voice a low purr. "Now you can have reality instead of a fantasy. And it might be a challenge to compete with your dream lover, but I certainly look forward to trying."  
  
Severus mustered a little snort at that, but he lowered his gaze as well, a rush of heat flooding his face. He wasn't concerned about Remus living up to his dream lover if for no other reason than he always woke up from the dreams and was always alone, which palled the fleeting pleasure they had offered. What Remus wanted to give was real and lasting. No, he was more concerned about his own abilities, but at least Remus knew exactly how inexperienced he was, and hopefully, he wouldn't make a complete fool of himself.  
  
"Not yet, you won't," he replied at last, glancing up again with a stern expression. "You heard the Healer, and bed rest means resting in bed, not rolling around and exerting yourself in bed."  
  
"Darn, I was hoping you'd forget about that," Remus replied, but his eyes danced with mirth. "Ah, well, it's probably for the best. I'd rather not have to worry about conking out on you when the fun is just starting." Leaning forward, Remus nuzzled Severus' flushed cheek. "I'm sure everything will happen in its right time. And when it does, it will be wonderful. For both of us."  
  
"But now is not the right time." Severus pulled back and pointed to the tray on the bedside table. "You must finish your lunch, or there will be no cake."  
  
"Yes, Severus," Remus replied meekly, but a wicked smile lurked at the corner of his lips. He reached for the tray, settling back with it on his lap, and picked up his spoon. "Cake isn't quite the same impetus that other things are, but it will do. For now."  



	21. Chapter 21

"So that's it? I'm completely better?" Remus looked at the Healer hopefully, barely restraining himself from bouncing impatiently on the exam table. It had been nearly a week since he had been discharged from the hospital, and he was feeling much better - so much better, in fact, that being cuddled up next to Severus in bed at night was a form of torture, since Severus adamantly refused to do anything more until Remus had been cleared by the Healer.  
  
"Yes, it seems so," the Healer replied. It was the same one who had examined Remus after he had woken, and he had been most thorough about this follow-up visit. The Healer looked up from the chart and smiled a bit at the eager look on Remus' face. "I take it we have plans?"  
  
"We do," Remus said, hopping down from the table with a grin. "So... can you write me a note or something? Saying that I have permission for... er... whatever?"  
  
"I can." A note was produced with a flourish of the Healer's quill, and Remus practically snatched it out of his hand.  
  
"Thanks for everything!" Remus said, moving toward the door. It wasn't that he was eager, really... oh, who was he kidding? He was definitely eager to get back to Severus. Not that they would do anything until he felt Severus really was ready, but just knowing that they could made a big difference.  
  
He didn't quite run down the hall to the Apparation point, but he was moving quickly enough to garner some surprised looks from those he passed. Remus didn't care; all he could think about was Severus and the beginning of a beautiful new phase of their relationship.  
  
Finally reaching the right place, Remus Disapparated, reappearing at the place near Spinner's End. Then he did break into a run, dashing down the street to Severus' house - their house, now! - and hurrying up the steps and through the door. It closed behind him with a loud slam, but he was already halfway down the hall. "Severus? Severus, where are you?"  
  
Severus finished basting the chicken roasting in the oven and straightened, wiping his hands on a dishtowel as he moved toward the entrance hall in answer to Remus' summons. "I have run off to Tahiti," he replied acerbically. "You can find me sipping rum from a coconut shell on the beach. Now do you mind telling me why you're rattling the door on its hinges? If you break it, you will be the one to fix it," he grumbled, although there was little heat in his words.  
  
"Sorry," Remus replied, but it was a distracted apology at best. He was too busy grinning from ear to ear, and he moved to wrap his arms around Severus' waist, lifting him up and spinning them both around as best he could in the narrow entrance. "That's it! The Healer said I'm all better! We've been blessed for... well, anything that strikes your fancy. Including beaches in Tahiti, if that suits you. Although I call dibs on getting to spread tanning oil all over your body."  
  
Clutching Remus' shoulders, Severus stared down at him, shocked first by being picked up and spun around and then by the news that Remus was fully healed from his wounds. "As if anyone else would want to do it," he replied, although it was perfunctory snark.  
  
His mind was racing, part of him anticipating the culmination of weeks of slow progress and part of him apprehensive now that the moment of truth had come. He could put it off, of course; Remus had made it clear he wouldn't push Severus into anything he wasn't ready for, but Severus knew he was as ready as he was ever going to be, and putting it off wouldn't make him more ready, only prolong his nervousness over getting past the first time.  
  
"So..." He slid his arms around Remus' shoulder. "Are you going to put me down, or is this a prelude to carrying me upstairs?"  
  
Remus' eyes widened at that. Despite the teasing and the anticipation, he'd not really expected Severus to be quite so eager. Still holding Severus, he lowered him down enough so that he could press a tender kiss to Severus' lips. "Is that what you want, love?" he asked softly, eyes searching Severus' face. "I will do anything you desire; if that means waiting, I will happily do so. I'd rather that you be certain, no matter how long that takes."  
  
"There is no point in waiting." Severus tightened his arms around Remus' shoulders as much to reassure himself as to reassure Remus. "I am certain, and while I am somewhat apprehensive, no amount of waiting will make that go away, thus I see no point in waiting if you are physically recuperated enough."  
  
Drawing in a deep breath, Remus smiled wryly and lifted his hand to caress Severus' cheek. "Actually, I can smell that you've got dinner in, don't you? Perhaps now isn't the best time. I know you're apprehensive, love, but believe it or not, I am, too. I want to make it good for you. No, I want to make it perfect, and I think I know a few things that might help."  
  
"Very well." Severus nodded and stepped back, puzzled by the sudden change. Remus had seemed so eager in both word and deed all this time, but now that Severus had acquiesced, he was delaying rather than whisking Severus off to the bedroom. He wondered if perhaps he had said something wrong - or rather, phrased what he meant wrong. As inexperienced as he was with this whole business, he had fallen back on his usual brusque manner for lack of any knowledge or understanding of what else to do, and that, he realized, probably was not very lover-like.  
  
"Dinner is almost ready," he added, deciding to accept the change of plans without comment and see what happened. "I made roast chicken and vegetables. Perhaps that will suffice for a celebration of your clean bill of health."  
  
"Sounds good, and smells even better," Remus replied. He wrapped his arm around Severus' waist, guiding him back toward the kitchen. "I'll set the table. How about a bottle of wine to go with it? Special occasion, after all."  
  
"If you like," Severus replied. "I don't really drink, however."  
  
Once they were in the kitchen, he went to remove the roasting pan from the oven and transferred the chicken and vegetables to a serving platter, and he began slicing and carving the chicken while Remus set the table. Once he had carved enough meat for dinner plus extra if they wanted more later, he levitated the platter to the table and set it down in the middle, and then he took his place, waiting for Remus to join him.  
  
It took only a few moments for Remus to put out the plates and silverware, and then he went to the cabinet where Severus had placed the few bottles of alcohol that Remus had had at Grimmauld Place. Remus wasn't a big drinker, either, but he did have a bottle of white wine he'd been given as a Christmas gift by Arthur and Molly. He fetched two glasses and carried the lot over to the table.  
  
A tap of his wand chilled the bottle, then Remus removed the cork and poured the wine into the glasses before taking his place. He smiled at Severus and lifted his glass. "A toast? To new beginnings?"  
  
"To new beginnings." Severus touched his glass to Remus' and lifted it to his nose, sniffing the wine before sipping it gingerly. He didn't remember the last time he'd had anything vaguely alcoholic, perhaps never; he had never thought it wise to muddle his senses, especially not once maintaining his skill at Occlumency became a matter of life and death in the literal sense. It wasn't bad, but it was, he thought, definitely an acquired taste.  
  
Remus sipped his wine as well, then put the glass down to pick up the serving fork, placing a few pieces of chicken and some of the vegetables on his plate. "Tastes wonderful," he said after sampling a bite. "I suppose that cooking and brewing potions are somewhat related, after all. Although I have no doubt that you could be excellent at anything you set your mind to." He smiled across the table at Severus with warm affection.  
  
"They are rather similar," Severus replied as he served himself as well. "I enjoy both, although I experiment less with food than I do with potions." He cut up a few pieces of chicken and sampled a bite to make certain it was acceptable, and he nodded slightly with satisfaction.  
  
"I think you could experiment more if you wanted to," Remus said encouragingly. "It's funny, you know, thinking that after all the things we've been through, there's now time to do something else. Harry is awake, and Greyback is dead, and... well. I guess I'm not quite sure where to go from here. Somehow I can't see myself going back to _The Quibbler_ , even as great as Luna has been."  
  
Severus glanced over at him, one eyebrow raised. "Oh? I suppose working at _he Quibbler_ is not exactly an appealing option for the long term, but it will help pay bills until you find something else. I will continue to brew the Wolfsbane potion for adult werewolves for a fee, but that will not cover our expenses, especially if we do manage to get custody of Rob."  
  
"True." Remus took another sip of his wine, frowning thoughtfully. "I should look around, see what else I could do. You're right, if the Ministry allows us to take Rob, we'll need to be able to support him properly. _The Quibbler_ paid enough for me since I was living at Grimmauld Place, but I'll see about finding something better. Perhaps in Muggle London? Or even around here. There must be factory jobs that would pay a decent wage."  
  
"Keep that as a last resort," Severus said, grimacing slightly. He didn't want to see Remus waste his intellect and skills on the same kind of labor that had driven Severus' father to drink. "Surely there will be something in London that will suit you better. Perhaps you can find a teaching job instead. There are schools around here, too."  
  
"I wish," Remus sighed. He took another bite of chicken, chewing it thoughtfully. "One problem, though, is that to work in Muggle schools, you need Muggle papers. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." He smiled again. "We'll find a way. I hope we are lucky enough to get Rob, no matter what we have to sacrifice to get him."  
  
"I hope so too." Severus pushed his food around with his fork, thinking about the obstacles they faced, and he hoped he didn't have to disappoint a little boy because the Ministry had its head up its collective arse when it came to the well-being of werewolves. "At any rate, papers can be created. You ought to know all about that," he added pointedly.  
  
"Well, yes," Remus acknowledged, his lips twitching. "Like I said, though, I'll think about it." He looked at Severus' plate. "Are you done eating? We could go into the parlor and talk. It would be more comfortable. I'll even do the dishes later."  
  
Severus hadn't eaten much, but he never did, really, and especially not when he was nervous, and so he put down his fork and nodded. "Yes, I am finished. We can go to the parlor if you like," he said, pushing back his chair and rising to his feet. He glanced around the kitchen, disliking the thought of leaving it in disarray, but there would be no harm in leaving it. He had certainly left things messy himself for a while, so he couldn't quibble about letting the dishes go for one night.  
  
Remus stood as well. He drained the rest of his wine and moved to take Severus' hand, smiling as he led Severus toward the parlor. He sat down on the sofa and urged Severus down beside him. "I think this is one of the things I like best about being with you. Just talking, feeling the connection between us. I love being with you, Severus."  
  
Severus settled down on the sofa beside Remus, pausing before making any kind of response. He knew he wasn't good at expressing emotions that weren't anger-based, and after whatever he had said wrong earlier, he didn't want to repeat the mistake. "Thank you," he said cautiously, taking refuge in simplicity. "I like it too."  
  
With a soft chuckle, Remus pulled Severus closer, nuzzling his cheek. "Oh, Severus... don't think so much," he murmured. "Sometimes you just need to feel, you know? There is no right or wrong between us, not in this. You can let yourself go. You're safe with me."  
  
Frowning, Severus pulled back and looked at him, growing confused again. "How can you say there is no right or wrong?" he asked, shaking his head. "You went from picking me up and wanting to rub me down with oil to suddenly being more interested in food. Obviously, I said something wrong, and I don't know what." He jumped to his feet, too agitated to sit still, and he paced back and forth in front of the fireplace.  
  
"I want this to be good, too. I don't want it to be a disappointment. I want to - to please you," he said, forcing the words out in spite of the flush rising in his cheeks. "But I don't know how. I have never done this - any of this - before, and I don't know the right things to say and do. I was trying to be honest and express that I was ready. Nervous, yes, but I saw no point in waiting any longer because the nervousness is not going to go away whether we wait another day or a hundred years. Perhaps I was too abrupt, but I don't know how to say it in a more acceptable way. My words may be brusque, but it doesn't change what..." The flush in his cheeks grew brighter, and he ducked his head. "What I want," he finished, his words barely above a whisper.  
  
"Oh, Severus," Remus said, his heart aching for the awkwardness he'd caused without meaning to. He rose to his feet and crossed over to Severus, placing a hand under his chin to urge it up gently. "I do want you, and you won't disappoint me. It wasn't that you said anything wrong so much as I am afraid of disappointing you, too." His golden eyes were filled with love and concern as he searched Severus' face. "I suppose I was afraid it seemed a bit too abrupt, since you spoke of being apprehensive, and I thought you might be more relaxed if we went slower rather than if I just carted you off to bed. That's why I suggested dinner first and the wine; I thought it would be more romantic to ease into it your first time, start slowly, and let you have a chance to savor it. I'm so sorry if I messed up. I want this to be perfect for you. Special. Because you are so very special to me."  
  
"You're an idiot," Severus retorted tartly, folding his arms across his chest. "Unless you plan on re-enacting the Rape of the Sabine Women, you will not disappoint me. It isn't as if I have any past lovers to whom you can suffer in comparison. You could be an awful lover, and I would not know any better." He paused, thinking about what he had said this time, and then he sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I have no idea how to express these things tactfully. Suffice to say, I am not worried about being disappointed by the experience as far as what _you_ do is concerned because our first encounter showed me you are considerate, and it gave me pleasure despite my misgivings at the time." Lowering his hand, he faced Remus and met his gaze steadily. "I appreciate your efforts to make this easier, but the truth is, my perfectionist tendencies will not allow me to relax but so much. I dislike going into situations in which I do not know what I am doing. Since this is an act that is best learned by doing, I will not be truly relaxed until I have done it and thus have a better understanding of it. In short, it is not you, it is me."  
  
Remus smiled. "Yes, I am an idiot," he said ruefully, reaching out to take one of Severus' hands in his and bring it to his lips. He kissed the back of it lightly and rested Severus' palm against his cheek. "If you feel like you're still willing after my clumsy attempts to make it easier, would you like to come up to the bedroom and allow me to teach you?"  
  
Severus' stomach lurched with apprehension, but he lifted his chin proudly, refusing to be controlled by a bout of what was, in essence, stage fright. "Yes, I would," he said, reaching out to capture Remus' free hand. "And there had better not be any detours for food _this_ time," he added. "I am ready to learn _now_."  
  
Chuckling, Remus pulled Severus into a swift, hard embrace, and then he bent his knees and swept Severus up into his arms. His strength wasn't back to its old levels yet, but it was more than enough to pick up Severus. "Then let Professor Lupin instruct you in the ways of love," he growled softly, before turning and heading to the stairs.  
  
When they reached the bedroom, Remus kicked the door shut behind them and crossed to the bed, laying Severus down upon it. He slipped off Severus' shoes and socks, then removed his own before settling down on the mattress next to Severus. "I've wanted this for so long," he said, eyes glowing golden with desire. Reaching out, he stroked Severus' hair back from his face tenderly, his hand trembling. "You're all that I could possibly desire."  
  
Severus gazed at him, astonished anew that _anyone_ could or would desire him, but he could see the truth of it in Remus' eyes; no one had ever looked at him that way, and he still wasn't entirely certain he deserved it, but he intended to accept it nonetheless. "You really are mad," he murmured. "But far be it from me to question your desires."  
  
"If I'm mad, then I revel in it," Remus said, then leaned down to capture Severus' lips, kissing him tenderly. He moved closer, pulling Severus into his arms and running his tongue over Severus' lips, seeking permission to deepen the kiss.  
  
Severus' breath hitched at the touch of Remus' lips and tongue, but he went willingly into Remus' embrace, and he wound his arms around Remus in return, parting his lips in silent consent.  
  
With a soft moan, Remus claimed Severus' mouth, twining their tongues and exploring with possessive hunger. Severus tasted warm and spicy, and Remus knew that he was already addicted, but it was an addiction that would bring them both nothing but pleasure.  
  
When the need to breathe forced him to break the kiss, Remus sighed happily, trailing his lips over Severus' cheek before nibbling lightly at the line of Severus' jaw. He moved one hand to the row of buttons at Severus' neck, toying with them for a moment before slipping the top one free. "I've always loved these buttons," he murmured, his lips close to Severus' ear. He chuckled, his breath warm against Severus' skin. "In the last few weeks, they've become almost an obsession. Even though I've seen you unclothed, there is just something about being allowed to unfasten these buttons that is absolutely erotic."  
  
The feel of Remus' breath ghosting against his skin made Severus shiver, and he instinctively tightened his arms around Remus in response, but Remus' comment about the buttons made him draw back and raise one eyebrow at Remus. "You consider unfastening buttons to be erotic?" His tone implied he was doubted Remus' sanity again, but at the same time, he shifted to give Remus easier access to the buttons in question.  
  
"Oh, yes, I do," Remus replied, leaning forward to kiss Severus on the tip of his nose. He stroked his fingers lightly over Severus' throat. "I think it's a metaphor. You've been wrapped up in a cocoon, untouched, cut off from the pleasures your body can experience. I've longed to release you, to show you how fantastic you can feel. It's a rare gift you're giving me, you know... to be the one to help you spread your wings and fly."  
  
Severus fell silent for a moment, considering Remus' words. He _had_ been in a cocoon - trapped rather than wrapped, from his perspective - in more ways than one. He supposed that was the lesson the ghost in the Tower was trying to teach him, but it wasn't just about sex and desire. He had been cut off emotionally as well, forced to erect walls and keep his distance. Normal interaction, even on a platonic level, was largely beyond him; he could go through the motions of polite discourse with his colleagues, but he had never really known them, nor had they known him. It was all shallow, surface-level interaction, and he hadn't even had the luxury of a trusted friendship to sustain him.  
  
Now, on the other side of all that, he realized how isolated and alone and _lonely_ he had been, and he wanted those times to be over for good. Shuddering, he clung to Remus desperately tight and buried his face against Remus' throat.  
  
"No," he said, his voice muffled. "The gift is mine in being released from the cocoon - in _all_ ways. I have never flown, and I don't know how, but I want to learn."  
  
Remus returned the embrace, holding Severus close and stroking his hands over Severus' back soothingly. This was obviously about more than lovemaking, and Remus felt his throat tighten with emotion. Severus had been so closed off for so long, and Remus felt a surge of protectiveness, wishing that he could take away all of Severus' pain forever. "I'll teach you, love, I promise," he said, pressing his lips to Severus' forehead. "You've been denied so much, but no longer. I am yours, and you never have to be alone or lonely again."  
  
He continued to stroke Severus, reassuring him through touch. He sprinkled soft kisses over Severus' face, mapping it with his lips as he explored the contours of Severus' back. Then he captured Severus' lips again, kissing him with tender desire, trying to communicate all his love and support through that contact, withholding nothing.  
  
The tenderness of the kiss disarmed Severus, and he found himself surrendering, the love and safety Remus offered calling to a long-dormant part of him that answered eagerly; he could feel more than mere passion underlying the embrace, and he wanted it all, feeling as if he had found his true home at long last.  
  
Severus' response was more than Remus could have dreamed, and he growled softly as he deepened the kiss, the wolf wanting to share in this moment of connection. He buried his hands in Severus' hair, pressing even closer, twining their legs so that he could feel more of Severus' body against his. This was what he wanted, what he needed; more than just a connection between their bodies, he wanted to bond their hearts and souls, to merge with Severus on a level so deep and profound that neither of them would know where one ended and the other began.  
  
Of course, there was desire there, too, the desire to possess and claim and cherish and protect Severus in every way possible. Remus trailed one hand down the side of Severus' face, returning to the buttons, unfastening another and another until he could slip his fingers beneath the collar and lay them reverently against the strong pulse beating there. "Mine," he growled against Severus' lips. "And I am yours."  
  
The sound of the growl sent pleasurable shivers down Severus' spine, and he remembered all too well how he had responded to Remus in wolf form and the dark thrill the wolf's growl had elicited. He tipped his chin up, an instinctive response to the touch on his throat; something within him wanted to offer unconditional surrender, and while he couldn't bring himself to speak the words, he answered Remus as best he could.  
  
The wolf sensed the submission at once, and Remus drew in a breath, lifting up so he could look down into Severus' face, his eyes gleaming with possessive desire. He could no more have resisted Severus' posture than he could have fought the need to breathe, and he smiled at Severus ferally before leaning down once more, pausing with his lips just above the tender flesh of Severus' neck. He growled again, letting Severus feel the deep rumbling as he pressed harder, sinking his teeth into Severus' skin and biting down, wanting to leave his mark on that pale, tempting throat so no one could ever doubt that Severus belonged to him.  
  
A cry burst from Severus' lips, and he arched beneath Remus, the low burn of arousal within him bursting into a conflagration at the feel of Remus' teeth on his throat. The growl, the bite, the sight of the wolf in Remus' eyes - it all spoke to the needy part of him that wanted to belong, and he embraced the claim of the wolf willingly, even eagerly, twining his arms around Remus' shoulders and holding him close.  
  
Remus worried at the tender flesh until he was certain he'd left a livid mark, and then he raised his head, licking his lips and looking down at Severus, the wolf somewhat smug at the way Severus had cried out and clung to him. "Mine," he said again, this time more tenderly, and he pressed his lips to Severus' in a kiss that was like a benediction.  
  
"I want you, all of you," he said, torn between the desire to take it slow and easy and the tide of swiftly rising passion that urged him to claim Severus. He settled on a compromise, quickly dealing with the rest of Severus' buttons and pushing the fabric aside to bare Severus' chest to his hungry gaze. "Beautiful. So beautiful, my Severus." With that, he lowered his lips to Severus' skin, starting at the base of Severus' throat, tracing over his collar bones with nips and kisses, mapping every inch of skin as though committing it to memory.  
  
With the pleasure-pain of the bite throbbing on his neck, Severus found himself facing the exposure of his bare skin with less self-consciousness than before. Perhaps it was because Remus had already seen him and hadn't been repulsed, or perhaps it was because he felt far less guilt and shame in the act this time. Whatever the reason, he was able to relax beneath Remus with only the slightest blush rising in his cheeks, and the brush of Remus' lips on his skin fanned the flames of his own desire, keeping it burning steady.  
  
Remus moved his hands, sliding them over Severus' chest as he continued to move lower. Finally, he reached the level of Severus' nipples, and he glanced up at Severus with a wicked smile before laving one with broad swipes of his tongue, teasing the sensitive flesh until it hardened into a pebbled nub. "So sensitive," he murmured, moving his fingers to tweak the other nipple at the same time. "Do you like that, Severus? Does it feel good?"  
  
Severus gasped, his eyes growing wide and round; it had been a revelation the last time how sensitive his nipples were, but somehow, it was no less surprising this time, and he couldn't keep from squirming a little, his breath quickening and growing shallow. "Yes," he whispered, not trusting his voice to work properly at normal levels. "It feels very good."  
  
"Excellent." The tone of Severus' voice and the way he wriggled inflamed Remus' desire as well, and he continued to tease Severus' nipples, wanting to drive Severus absolutely mad. He lifted up, moving so that he could push Severus' robes off, freeing Severus' arms and leaving his body bare save for his underpants. Then he shifted, straddling Severus' thighs with his knees, and straightened long enough so that he could strip his own shirt off.  
  
"I can't wait to feel your skin against mine," he said, lowering himself so that he could press his chest against Severus', warm skin sliding together with delicious friction.  
  
"Oh..." Severus felt as if his breath had been stolen from his lungs when he felt Remus' bare skin against his; it was the first time he had ever felt so much bare skin, and he'd had no idea how _good_ it felt. His own skin suddenly felt tight and parched, and he craved more contact, recognizing that his touch-starved body was ravenous for more. He wrapped his arms around Remus, and on impulse, he slid his palms along the length of Remus' back from shoulder to hip, and he groaned, suddenly feeling as if he couldn't possibly touch Remus enough to satisfy his starving, aching skin.  
  
Remus arched against Severus' caressing hands, moaning at the feel of Severus touching him of his own accord. It felt wonderful, glorious, appealing to Remus on so many different levels. He returned the caresses, touching Severus everywhere he could reach, pressing kisses to Severus' shoulder and throat as he practically wallowed on Severus' body. His hands wandered wantonly, seeking out the places that would make Severus writhe and gasp, scratching with nails and alternately stroking with feather light touches as he felt himself burning with a need so fierce it threatened to consume him.  
  
Slowly, he began to move down Severus' body again, lower and lower, once more using teeth and lips and tongue to wring every bit of pleasure possible from Severus' body. He scooted down on the mattress as he did so, levering himself so that he could dip his tongue teasingly into the hollow of Severus' navel, then resting his cheek against the skin just beneath, nuzzling so that Severus could feel the light rasp of beard stubble against that sensitive skin.  
  
Severus shivered at that delicious friction, not surprised to realize he liked an edge of pain with his pleasure, and he reached down to rest his hand on Remus' head; after a moment, he even felt bold enough to comb his fingers through Remus' hair, hoping the caress showed his enjoyment of all Remus was doing. He might not know what he was doing, but he was learning, and he was enjoying this first lesson with far less self-consciousness than he expected.  
  
The slide of Severus' fingers through his hair was definitely encouraging, and Remus continued to rub and caress. He could feel Severus' arousal, could smell the heady, musky scent, and it heightened his need almost unbearably. He lifted up again, this time so that he could draw his wand from his back pocket, and he smiled down at Severus as he knelt between Severus' legs. "Time for more, I think," he said, as he made a pass with his wand, banishing Severus' underpants and then the remainder of his own clothing.  
  
"Do you see what you do to me, Severus? Do you see how much I want you?" he asked, unashamed to let Severus see the evidence of his desire. "You make me ache for you, burn for you... and I want to make you burn for me."  
  
Severus _did_ see, and the sight brought a blush to his cheeks and made his mouth go dry; he could feel that simmering arousal deep within him flare again, making him want more, want... _something_ he wasn't certain how to articulate. He just knew it involved his complete surrender, and the thought didn't frighten him.  
  
"I do," he whispered, his heart pounding wildly.  
  
The flush on Severus' cheeks made Remus grin with delight, and he lowered himself again, pressing against Severus so that they had as much hot, bare skin in contact as possible. He rocked against Severus then, giving a deep growl at the inadequate friction. "Do you want more, Severus?" he asked, his voice rough with desire. "Do you want me to teach you all the pleasure your body can feel?"  
  
The rocking made Severus' eyes roll back in his head, and he felt the flare erupt into a veritable volcano of need. Groping blindly, he clutched Remus' shoulders, his fingers digging in. "Yes..." He was barely able to get the words out, his breathing erratic and shallow. "Please..."  
  
The appeal in Severus' voice was far too much for Remus to resist. He tapped Severus' hip with his wand, murmuring the spells which would prepare him before tossing the wand aside. Running his hands down Severus' sides, he smiled again, letting Severus see the love he felt, a love as strong as the desire and the need.  
  
"All mine," he murmured, lifting Severus' hips slightly. Then Remus moved forward slowly, very slowly, his eyes on Severus' face as he claimed Severus' body with infinite care, watching for any sign of discomfort or denial even as he reveled in the pleasure of Severus' body tight and hot around him.  
  
Severus sucked in a breath and held it, his eyes growing wide as he felt Remus easing deeper, going slowly to give him time to adjust; there was a stretching pain, but it was overshadowed by the exquisite sensation of Remus filling him, and he held himself still, wanting to feel everything. _This is real_ , he thought with wonderment. This was real, it was happening, he really was naked in bed with Remus, and Remus was _inside_ him, joining their bodies. But it transcended mere physical connection. How could it not when Remus was gazing down at him with such love in his eyes that it made Severus' heart lurch to see it? He didn't feel soiled or filthy even though he had given up his virginity; on the contrary, he felt lighter, his tarnished soul cleansed by the searing intensity of Remus' love.  
  
He felt the moment when Remus was buried fully within him, and he exhaled sharply and began to breathe again, still clutching Remus' shoulders. He had never imagined this act could feel so good and so fulfilling, but he knew better now. This was good and right, and he wanted more.  
  
Remus was panting with the effort of going slow, but it was worth it when he saw the pleasure and wonder in Severus' dark eyes. They were joined completely, body and soul, and Remus thought he'd never felt anything more wonderful in his life. All other experiences paled to insignificance, making it joyful, unique, special - so special that he knew that he could never desire anyone else in his life.  
  
"Love you," he said softly, trembling with emotion as he gazed at Severus, wishing this perfect moment would last forever. Yet his body was already clamoring for more, aching for the fulfillment that only Severus could give him, and Remus drew in a deep breath to help steady his racing heart.  
  
He ran his hands over Severus' chest, feeling the thud of Severus' heart beating in time with his own. Then he braced himself on one arm, moving his other hand so that he could curl it around Severus, wanting to give him as much pleasure as possible. Lowering his head, he kissed Severus gently on the lips. "Now fly with me," he murmured, before pulling back and thrusting even deeper into Severus' body.  
  
The movement made Severus gasp again, and he drew his knees up, feeling as if his mortal body was too small to contain all the myriad sensations Remus was evoking; the pleasure-tension was coiling tighter within him, and he was panting now, writhing helplessly beneath Remus in the throes of a passion unlike anything he had ever known. He wanted to ask for more, but he didn't think he could speak, and his mind was rapidly dissolving as well, leaving him in a world of pure feeling.  
  
Remus' eyes were riveted on Severus' face, drinking in the sight of Severus giving up all control, abandoning himself to pleasure. He moved faster, harder, his hand stroking in counterpoint to his hips as he sought to drive Severus over the edge. "Yes, let go, just feel," he said hoarsely, his own need threatening to overwhelm him. "Severus... so beautiful, so perfect... let go..."  
  
Remus' voice permeated Severus' haze of pleasure, and he couldn't ignore that urging; he wanted to please, wanted to obey, and his own body was straining for release, quivering with tension, ready to snap - and it did, and he shattered, crying out his pleasure hoarsely as he came utterly undone. He slumped against the pillows, sated and stunned, still scarcely able to believe his body was capable of giving him such pleasure in conjunction with Remus' body. Mustering energy from the dregs of his reserve, he wound his arms around Remus and stroked his sweat-damp back, urging Remus onward, wanting nothing more than to feel and see Remus' pleasure too.  
  
The sight of Severus giving himself over and flying apart held Remus in thrall, and he drank in every nuance of it, absorbing every second and committing them to memory like treasures. He'd never seen anything so beautiful, so perfect, and he thought that his heart might burst from the glory of it.  
  
But his own body was straining for release, and Remus thrust once more and shattered, crying out Severus' name as he flew apart in a haze of the most intense pleasure he'd ever experienced. Panting hard, he slumped down against Severus, rolling to one side and pulling Severus into his arms.  
  
"Oh, Severus," he murmured, stroking Severus' hair and pressing a kiss to his lips. He mustered up the energy for a smile. "So, how was your first lesson?"  
  
Severus let himself be pulled into the embrace, and he released a slow sigh, his entire body feeling limp and heavy in the aftermath. "It was a good lesson," he murmured, nestling close and burying his nose against Remus' throat, breathing deeply of the musky scent rising off Remus' warm, damp skin. "It seems you have not lost your knack for devising effective hands-on lessons, Professor Lupin."  
  
"I have to give credit to my exceptionally talented and eager pupil," Remus replied. He groped for his wand and cast a cleaning charm on them both. Then he summoned the duvet to cover them both before relaxing once more, warm, sated, and content.  
  
He smoothed his hands over Severus' skin, soaking up the feel of it as though he could memorize every inch by touch. Making love with Severus had been the most fulfilling thing he had ever experienced, and he felt the smug satiation of the wolf as well. "Lest you have any doubts, Severus, you were utterly fantastic," he said softly, then growled low and deep by Severus' ear. "The wolf thinks so, too. And we are both eager to continue your lessons at any time and place of your choosing."  
  
Although he was drowsy and sated, the growl still made a sensual shiver run down Severus' spine, and he pressed closer, savoring each caress. "I am willing to learn whatever you want to teach me," he replied. "When it comes to this, I am essentially a blank canvas."  
  
"And you shall be a work of art... and a labor of love," Remus said, tightening his arms around Severus. "You're safe now, Severus. We're both safe. I know that there will be challenges to come, but you'll never have to face them alone. You'll never have to face anything alone, ever again." It was a vow, and Remus meant it with every fiber of his being.  
  
Safe... That word had not been part of Severus' vocabulary in so long, he could scarcely imagine it in regards to himself. Likely he would have to remind himself repeatedly until it sank in that the war was over, the Furies were gone, and he was no longer in mortal peril every time he stepped foot out of his own house. But if this was safety, he thought as he lay drowsing in Remus' arms, he liked it already. He thought back to his life as it was only a few weeks ago and how vastly things had changed since then. Their finances were tenuous, as was his mental stability, but he no longer saw the years stretching out ahead of him as bleak and empty things to be dreaded. He saw hope, and that was far more valuable than any well-paying job.  
  
But all he said aloud was a quiet yet heartfelt, "Good."


	22. Epilogue: One Year Later

The knife in Severus' hand seemed to fly as he chopped dried aconite as fine as he could, the only remaining ingredient to add to the batch of Wolfsbane Potion simmering in his industrial sized cauldron. It was big enough for a child to bathe in, but it was necessary now that Severus was brewing monthly doses for dozens of werewolves rather than a handful. Fortunately, the Ministry had covered the cost of equipment - as well they should, Severus thought, since they were long overdue in doling out any money that would benefit werewolves, even indirectly.  
  
But things had changed. Not long after waking up, Potter had begun campaigning against Rufus Scrimgeour, giving rousing speeches about the ineffectiveness of Scrimgeour's post-war policies. Personally, Severus had thought Potter had Hermione's hand on his strings; at the very least, he knew she had to be Potter's speech-writer, but if positive changes came from it, he had no intention of speaking against a change of leadership. In the end, Scrimgeour had stepped down, and Kingsley Shacklebolt had been elected the new minister of magic with an overwhelming majority of the votes.  
  
Since then, the Ministry had seen quite a shake-up, including the creation of a new division in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Now, there was the Being Division, Beast Division, Spirit Division, and the Werewolf Division, using the justification that since werewolves were the only magical creatures that were both beings and beasts, albeit not at the same time, they deserved their own division rather than being shunted back and forth between the Beast Division and the Being Division. Shacklebolt had offered Remus a job working in the newly-founded division, and then - surprisingly - he had offered Severus a job as well, appointing him the head of the new Wolfsbane Potion distribution service.  
  
That had given them the financial freedom to do some home improvement work on Severus' house, making it far more comfortable and far less desolate in appearance, both inside and out, and for the first time in his life, Severus was inclined to view the place as a real home rather than merely someplace to stay.  
  
From the other end of his worktable came a tiny, squeaky sneeze that sounded as if it was being suppressed, and Severus glanced over, his mouth set in an "I told you so" moue. "The fumes are only going to get more potent, you know," he said.  
  
Rob lifted his head from his maths homework and offered a wide-eyed look and a winning smile that didn't fool Severus for a moment. "I don't mind."  
  
"Of course not. That's why you are over there sneezing."  
  
"It was only one!" Rob retorted indignantly. "I like watching you work."  
  
"You are meant to be doing your homework, not watching me," Severus pointed out.  
  
"I'm almost finished." Rob bent his head, turning his attention back to his homework with exaggerated diligence, and Severus gave a quiet "hmph" and went back to stirring in the aconite.  
  
Although Remus worked at the Ministry, Severus remained home and brewed the potion in his own workroom so he could be home with Rob before and after school. They had decided to let Rob attend school rather than home-school him to avoid giving him a greater sense of isolation and to help foster a sense of normalcy. Rob was not a normal child by any means, being both a wizard and a werewolf, but they intended to do what they could to make him feel less ostracized and apart than Remus had.  
  
A few more rotations of the spoon, and then Severus put a lid on the cauldron and lowered the heat beneath it to let it simmer a while. "Come on," he said, holding out his hand. "Remus will be home soon, so I need to finish up dinner. You can finish up in the kitchen."  
  
"I'm all done anyway." Rob grinned cheekily and slid off his stool, clasping Severus' hand and tucking his homework under his free arm.  
  
"Good, then you can set the table."  
  
From the look on Rob's face, it was clear he would almost rather do more homework.  
  
Once they reached the kitchen, Severus busied himself putting together a salad and buttery rolls while he waited for the roast beef and vegetables to finish cooking in the oven, and he kept one eye on Rob to make sure nothing got broken, but the dinner preparations went smoothly with nothing burnt or broken. All that remained was for Remus to arrive home.  
  
Remus locked up his desk and waved a farewell to the office assistant, who nodded pleasantly to him as he made his way down to the lobby to take the Floo network home. He enjoyed his job at the Ministry, and while it wasn't as near and dear to his heart as teaching as been, he felt fulfilled because he was finally able to make a difference in the lives of people who shared his affliction.  
  
He had Kingsley and Harry to thank for that, and also for Severus' work in brewing the Wolfsbane Potion for the many werewolves who couldn't afford to purchase it themselves. It was just one of Kingsley's reforms, and while it had been less than a year, Remus thought that between the potion and the education programs designed to help wizards understand lycanthropy and to help werewolves understand themselves, that for the first time in history there was a chance that lycanthropes might at long last be on their way to being accepted as valued and respected members of the community. Not to mention it enabled him and Severus to enjoy a livelihood and to show the stability and resources needed to take care of a child.  
  
And at the end of each day came the best part - going home to his family, to Severus and Rob and the life they had built together. It was what put a smile on his face and a spring in his step as he walked quickly toward the nearest massive hearth, snatching up a handful of Floo powder and speaking "Spinner's End!" as he stepped into the green flames without breaking stride.  
  
In a moment, he was stepping out into the parlor at home, glancing about in search of his dear ones. He heard voices from the kitchen and smelled the delectable scent of roasting meat, so he let his nose lead him in that direction. "Hi, honey, I'm home!" he called out cheerily as he stepped into the room, grinning widely as he crossed to pull Severus into his arms, planting a smacking kiss on his cheek. "Did you miss me?"  
  
Severus rolled his eyes, but he let Remus haul him into the embrace, and he kissed Remus' cheek in return with affection. "You were only gone a few hours."  
  
" _I_ missed you!" Rob piped up, darting over to fling his arms around Remus' waist.  
  
"Well, it felt like ages," Remus replied, leaning into Severus' kiss. Then he laughed, bending down to scoop Rob up, tossing him into the air before holding him close. He pressed a kiss to Rob's soft cheek. "I missed you too, pumpkin," he said, nuzzling his nose against Rob's playfully. "You must have been a reasonably good boy today, since Severus has let you into the kitchen while he cooks. How was school?"  
  
"It was okay." Rob wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, holding on tight. "I got homework," he said in an aggrieved tone that implied being assigned homework was equivalent to being forced to trek across the Sahara. "But I'm all finished. Severus let me do it in his workroom while he brewed the potion for us."  
  
"I thought it was the best way to supervise and make certain he actually finished rather than dawdled," Severus explained. He reached out and tugged lightly on a lock of Rob's hair before turning his attention to the oven and removing the pan with the roast beef and vegetables.  
  
"Homework! Well, well, that is a horror, isn't it?" Remus asked, shaking his head. "But good on you for finishing. That might call for an extra bit of dessert." His stomach rumbled loudly, and Rob giggled. "Well, assuming there is any room left after we eat Severus' lovely meal."  
  
Remus carried Rob over to his chair, plopping him down in it. Catching sight of the salad and bread, he scooped it up and laid it out on the table, then moved around to Severus' chair and held it out gallantly.  
  
Severus drew his wand and levitated the pan, letting it come to rest on a trivet on the table, and then he moved to sit down, giving Remus a little nod of appreciation. "The potion will be ready in a couple of hours," he said. "You can take it in for distribution tomorrow. Other than working on that, it has been a quiet day at home. We did receive an invitation to tea this weekend from Minerva. All three of us are included."  
  
Remus pushed in Severus' chair, then moved around to his own, sliding into it and placing his napkin on his lap. "Sounds great," he said, picking up the serving fork and knife so that he could carve the roast. "I'd love to go, since we've not seen her in a couple of weeks." He placed a slice of the tender roast on Rob's plate, thinking about how glad he was that Severus and Minerva had been able to make peace. She was one of the few people whom Severus seemed to respect, and Remus wanted Severus to be able to build other relationships to help him gain confidence and realize he could have friends who genuinely liked him.  
  
He carved a slice for Severus, then one for himself before reaching for the vegetables. "We should have her over for dinner one night, too, don't you think? As good as the house-elves are at cooking, I think she'd enjoy your cooking just as much."  
  
"Perhaps," Severus said, sending rolls bobbing over to Remus and Rob's plates with a flick of his wand and making Rob giggle at the sight. "I have no objections to inviting her over one evening." He paused, thinking about how little they had entertained even though the house was far more comfortable and welcoming to visitors now. "I can think of perhaps one or two other people who might be welcome at times as well. _I_ do not require company, but I know you are more social than I am, and it would be good for Rob."  
  
"I think that it would be nice," Remus replied, nodding. He knew that it was a big step for Severus to feel comfortable with people coming over, and he smiled encouragingly. "You're right, too, that Rob needs to be comfortable around Minerva, especially since he'll be at Hogwarts in just a few years." Reaching out, he ruffled Rob's silken hair. "You'll love Hogwarts, I know it. And you won't be the only werewolf there, so you'll have people who will understand what it's like."  
  
"I can't wait!" Rob bounced in his chair. "Severus says Hogwarts is cool."  
  
"I did not use the word 'cool'," Severus protested, but Rob grinned unrepentantly at him and shoveled up a forkful of vegetables.  
  
Releasing a grumbly sigh, Severus began cutting up his meat, but he wasn't that annoyed, not really, in spite of being associated with the word 'cool'. Having Rob as their ward had not been easy; Rob suffered from nightmares of Greyback, but he had understanding from Severus on that point because Severus still had nightmares sometimes too. Rob had Remus and Severus both to crawl into bed with and seek comfort from, and Severus had Remus to hold him when he awoke shaking and sweating. But Severus didn't regret taking in Rob; as challenging as it had been at times, it was also rewarding, and he felt certain they had done the right thing. Rob seemed to be flourishing, and Severus was convinced their home was a healthier environment than any orphanage could be.  
  
Sometimes, Severus still had moments when his lucidity faded, and he still took the Calming Concoction, although not as frequently as he had a year ago, but in spite of all that, he had become the one thing he had never thought he possibly could or would be: happy.  
  
He glanced back and forth between his two companions at the table, taking a moment to enjoy the peace and contentment their odd little family offered, and then he turned to Remus, his expression wry. "He will have it better than we had, especially you. No banishment to the Shrieking Shack for him or the others."  
  
"Hogwarts _is_ cool," Remus said, winking at Rob. He looked at Severus then, smiling rather crookedly. "I'm so glad none of them will have to go through what I did or be put in a position that risks their lives or the lives of anyone else. There are some costs that no one should be called upon to pay because of their circumstances. If nothing else, what you're doing in brewing the potion is going to make it so that no child can ever be put in that position ever again."  
  
"Especially not ours," Severus said, and then he blinked, shocked by the words even as he spoke them. _That_ , he thought, was soppiness worthy of Remus, and he scowled to counteract the unexpected sentiment as he focused on eating so nothing else so nauseating could slip out. That Rob was beaming at him helped, but not much.  
  
"Definitely not ours," Remus vowed, looking at Severus with his golden eyes warm with affection. "But we'll protect him. That's what family is for, right?"  
  
"Yes, of course." Severus lifted his gaze and met Remus' eyes, warmed by the emotion he saw in them. "Even for odd little families like this one."  
  
"It's odd, but it's ours, isn't it?" Remus asked Rob. "And I wouldn't trade either of you for anything in the world." Reaching across the table, he touched Severus' hand. "Not for having my lycanthropy cured. Not even for all the chocolate in the world." The words were said lightly, but Remus meant them with all his heart.  
  
Turning his hand over, Severus curled his fingers around Remus' hand and squeezed it lightly. "Well, you are a soppy idiot," he said, but there was no heat in his voice, only affection.  
  
Rob giggled again and then tucked into his food, swinging his feet and eating with gusto, obviously happy with his unusual new family too.  
  
Remus beamed at both of them, returning the pressure of Severus' hand and reaching over to ruffle Rob's hair again. They'd come through so much to get this far, all three of them, and Merlin knew that they still had a way to go yet, but Remus knew without any doubts at all that they would have love and hope for every step along the way.  
  
 __

_Oh! that my young life were a lasting dream!_  
My spirit not awakening, till the beam  
Of an Eternity should bring the morrow.  
Yes! tho' that long dream were of hopeless sorrow,  
'Twere better than the cold reality  
Of waking life, to him whose heart must be,  
And hath been still, upon the lovely earth,  
A chaos of deep passion, from his birth.  
But should it be - that dream eternally  
Continuing - as dreams have been to me  
In my young boyhood - should it thus be given,  
'Twere folly still to hope for higher Heaven.  
For I have revell'd, when the sun was bright  
I' the summer sky, in dreams of living light  
And loveliness, - have left my very heart  
In climes of my imagining, apart  
From mine own home, with beings that have been  
Of mine own thought - what more could I have seen?  
'Twas once - and only once - and the wild hour  
From my remembrance shall not pass - some power  
Or spell had bound me - 'twas the chilly wind  
Came o'er me in the night, and left behind  
Its image on my spirit - or the moon  
Shone on my slumbers in her lofty noon  
Too coldly - or the stars - howe'er it was  
That dream was as that night-wind - let it pass.  
  
I have been happy, tho' in a dream.  
I have been happy - and I love the theme:  
Dreams! in their vivid coloring of life,  
As in that fleeting, shadowy, misty strife  
Of semblance with reality, which brings  
To the delirious eye, more lovely things  
Of Paradise and Love - and all our own!  
Than young Hope in his sunniest hour hath known.  
  
"Dreams" - Edgar Allan Poe

  
  



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